Update and not sure what to do

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Two cancelled vacations later, we are back together, sort of. Turns out he assumed I broke up with him (and vice-versa, so both our bads in the communication dep't). We agreed to try to talk it through. We've been emailing each other and I've been taking great care to craft validating emails acknowledging some things I did but not taking the blame for anything that was not mine.

The hardest things during this exchange were to realize:

1. He had villainized me and placed me in the category of the oppressor when I have been overly supportive of him. Any of my friends would agree that I am a loving and caring person. He made me sound evil.

2. I'm a fairly successful person and just got a great new job. He made it sound like I was too full of myself and there was "no air in the room" for him. He is also successful--but his low self esteem gets in his way. This hurt me bc all my life, my family has also tried to put my successes down--bc I think they made them feel bad about themselves--not my fault I know, but it still hurts. I do need to cut out some things--but he made it seem like there was only room for one of us to be successful.

3. It took forever for him to apologize for the things he did and he really never bothered to acknowledge any of my feelings. He never apologized for ruining my b'day (I am thinking of asking if we could do my b'day over) I had to prod to get him to address what I needed addressed. (The old me would have just given up so I'm proud of myself for standing my ground)

I am realizing if I really do decide to stay for good, it's unlikely we could ever live together, make plans, etc. To get my fulfillment, I will have to go on vacations with my girlfriends, etc. Do I really want to do this?

I just don't like the strong, silent message that it is not okay to be me: gregarious, successful, younger-than-him(by 7 yrs). According to him  and that my whole life is ahead of me and his best days are over. He almost seems jealous of me--and I just remind him of how victimized he is.

I wish he would go to therapy bc he is super smart and usually "gets" things if the right light goes off.

[honeybadger]

Two cancelled vacations later, we are back together, sort of. Turns out he assumed I broke up with him (and vice-versa, so both our bads in the communication dep't). We agreed to try to talk it through. We've been emailing each other and I've been taking great care to craft validating emails acknowledging some things I did but not taking the blame for anything that was not mine.

The hardest things during this exchange were to realize:

1. He had villainized me and placed me in the category of the oppressor when I have been overly supportive of him. Any of my friends would agree that I am a loving and caring person. He made me sound evil.

2. I'm a fairly successful person and just got a great new job. He made it sound like I was too full of myself and there was "no air in the room" for him. He is also successful--but his low self esteem gets in his way. This hurt me bc all my life, my family has also tried to put my successes down--bc I think they made them feel bad about themselves--not my fault I know, but it still hurts. I do need to cut out some things--but he made it seem like there was only room for one of us to be successful.

3. It took forever for him to apologize for the things he did and he really never bothered to acknowledge any of my feelings. He never apologized for ruining my b'day (I am thinking of asking if we could do my b'day over) I had to prod to get him to address what I needed addressed. (The old me would have just given up so I'm proud of myself for standing my ground)

I am realizing if I really do decide to stay for good, it's unlikely we could ever live together, make plans, etc. To get my fulfillment, I will have to go on vacations with my girlfriends, etc. Do I really want to do this?

I just don't like the strong, silent message that it is not okay to be me: gregarious, successful, younger-than-him(by 7 yrs). According to him  and that my whole life is ahead of me and his best days are over. He almost seems jealous of me--and I just remind him of how victimized he is.

I wish he would go to therapy bc he is super smart and usually "gets" things if the right light goes off.

[blecker]

I am realizing if I really do decide to stay for good, it's unlikely we could ever live together, make plans, etc. To get my fulfillment, I will have to go on vacations with my girlfriends, etc. Do I really want to do this?

Believe it or not there are wonderfull men out there who would appreciate a smart, sucessfull young woman. You will not have to vacation with your girlfreinds unless you choose too.

Is all this drama really what you want?

[honeybadger]

Blecker, haha, well I am not exactly young. I'm 48.

But you're right about the drama.

[blecker]

When your 60 you will see these are your young years.

Don't waste them.

[real lady]

I just don't like the strong, silent message that it is not okay to be me: gregarious, successful, younger-than-him(by 7 yrs). According to him  and that my whole life is ahead of me and his best days are over. He almost seems jealous of me--and I just remind him of how victimized he is.I wish he would go to therapy bc he is super smart and usually "gets" things if the right light goes off.

HI I hear you. I used to think that my uBPDso's "intelligence" would save him from BPD H*ll "if only" he would think about it but this WICKED MENTAL ILLNESS does not allow them to "use their intelligence FOR them and us"... .  it is like their emotions RULE their logic and there doesn't seem to be "getting it" most of the time UNTIL they are DEEP within DBT/CBT for themselves.

His quote is startling and seems to possibly be to "get you to NOT expect any more out of him that you already see"... .  I would say that when "a person tells you who they are, believe them"... .  and base your decision upon IF you CAN or are willing to ACCEPT HIM and THIS RELATIONSHIP with him AS IT IS RIGHT NOW for the rest of your life. Doesn't sound to me like he is trying to promise you anything. You are younger than him and his "best days" MAY BE OVER. I think he is "trying to let you go" for YOUR sake.

I know how it feels to "be undecided" and still have HOPE. Sometimes it is the hope that causes us to hang on LONG PAST the time that we should have "let go" and only will bring us pain by not being fulfilled.

Wishing you the best... .  just wanted to share my insight on it.