Id were you vulnerable when you got together?
I didn't think so at the time GreenMango, but I definitely had been in the past and had been in more than one abusive relationship, where the male became violent despite the fact that in my younger years I was very submissive and timid so don't believe the violence ever came about because I was provocative and definitely not because I was confrontational by nature. The relationship prior to my last, lasted 13 years and was with a very gentle, honest but selfish man, he was almost like one of the children to me but I felt safe with him and that was what was important to me, we also made very good living companions. When that relationship came to an end it was by my initiation and ultimately to do with issues regarding my middle son who was having difficulties and the split was not at all acrimonious and we are still good friends today, though I sacrificed that friendship during my relationship with the exBPDbf. After that long-term relationship, I was completely single for 5 years, no dating, barely any socializing, just focusing on work and doing my best for my 3 teenage children.
I grew a lot during that long-term relationship and following 5 year hiatus, I became more emotionally mature, independant and self-aware, did a lot of digging etc, recognized my issues and tried "figuring them out". I thought my self-esteem had definitely improved and was well-based. The area in which I never really could improve matters was social anxiety but I learnt coping skills and although not entirely healthy, I could live with them quite happily (sometimes not so happily but in general) And then, out of the blue, 5 years down the road my path's cross with the exBPDbf and BAM - the entire experience shook me to the core and pretty much left me homeless, isolated and more vulnerable and down than I have ever been in my life.
I'm not sure what it is that scares me when I dwell on the fact that my ex's last 3 partners share this common thread. I absolutely hate the idea that I may have been singled out by him because of anything to do with my parentage, but can't help wondering that it might be the case and if I ever found out it was, I know I'd find it personally devastating on some level.
He grew up with both parents in a financially stable environment, his parents divorced when he was a teenager, from what I gather his own mother was a devoted, smart woman but not very maternal or forgiving. His mother demanded/expected a lot from him as far as looking after his younger half and step-siblings was concerned. His father, from what I can gather was a loving but passive man who went to pieces when their marriage broke up and lost contact with his son during his later teenage years. When I met my ex's mother, I quickly became aware of some underlying subtle fear he emanated, when he was around her.
I can't help wondering what are the odds that my ex would "accidentally" meet and then get involved with 3 women of such unstable parentage? In all my adult life, I myself have only met one person who came from anything similar, he had been adopted by many different foster parents and became my partner when I was very young and he was very violent. I can understand looking back and knowing what I know now, why he and I became involved - but I cannot understand why my recent ex has become involved with what can only be described as, women with parentage issues.
Ugh, I think I've figured out my own answer. Either way - he was either playing the rescuer to "us damsels in distress" (though he was certainly not a rescuer, quite the opposite) OR, he deliberately pursued us because he assumed we were vulnerable and therefore easy targets
I hate the idea that I may have been behaving like a "waif" or a "victim", I hate the idea that my core issues may still be affecting my life on a larger scale than I was fully conscious of and I hate the idea that at this stage of my life, I am going to struggle to be able to make the changes necessary for a truly healthy relationship. I fear the most decent and sensible route would be to avoid relationships, altogether.
