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Author Topic: My BPD Ex-Girlfriend (A long, sad, and painful story)  (Read 29821 times)
momtara
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« Reply #30 on: March 25, 2013, 12:54:33 PM »

And yet she still gets money from the gov't.  Damn, what a country! 
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paperlung
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« Reply #31 on: March 25, 2013, 02:41:34 PM »

There's one other thing about her I'd like to mention. I don't know if this is just because of the way she was raised, but she'd rarely ever remember to thanks for the things I did for her. Whether it be doing her grocery shopping for her, taking her out in my car to the mall, buying small gifts for her, or going to the doctor together so she could get more medication.

It really bothered me that she'd never just look me in the eyes, smile, maybe give me a big ol' hug or a kiss, and just tell me how much I meant to her. I gave my entire self up for this women for a year and a half and she has left me feeling completely used.
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sad but wiser
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« Reply #32 on: March 26, 2013, 11:34:50 AM »

Yep - they feel entitled to anything you give them and more.  That is part of the disorder.  They also feel entitled to certain good will and kind treatment on your part, no matter what they may have done to you.
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paperlung
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« Reply #33 on: March 26, 2013, 03:10:36 PM »

Yep - they feel entitled to anything you give them and more.  That is part of the disorder.  They also feel entitled to certain good will and kind treatment on your part, no matter what they may have done to you.

A couple of weeks ago when I last saw her and she told me about this new guy she had been talking to on the internet, you know what she said to me as I was walking out of her? "Could you do me one last favor? Go down and check the mail for me?" I couldn't believe it. I was so close to exploding, but I kept my composure, said no, then left.

How could she have the nerve to ask that? This was all after she explained to me that she didn't want to be with me anymore/didn't want my help/been talking to somebody new/made plans to meet him later in the week. It's like she had no remorse whatsoever for how I may have felt.
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pallavirajsinghani
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« Reply #34 on: March 26, 2013, 09:30:23 PM »

Paperlung:

What exactly is maturity?  What is the definition of maturation?

A child is ego centric.  The entire universe literally revolves around him/her.  Since the child is unable to take care of his/her own needs, the child must cry loudly and persistently until someone pays attention to those needs.

As the child grows older, the child learns new coping skills to meet those needs.  For instance, "I am hungry... . I don't have to cry for my parent to fulfill my hunger... . I can open this candy bar and eat it."  With this awareness of one's own ability, arise what is called,  "ego-individuation".  Which means that the child is gradually able to separate his/her identity from others and become a fully functional adult human being.

With a person suffering from this disorder, such an individuation and separation has not been achieved.  So, the ego is stuck at the child stage.  The BPD mind is still ego-centric.  When confronted with "adult" world and "adult" expectations and "adult" consequences, this ego suffers a threat of annihilation.

Hence you see traits of extreme self-centeredness, raging, fear, anger, hostility and extreme happiness too.

So what you perceive as selfishness is her ego stuck at the infant/child stage.  You only exist in her universe as a means to her need-fulfillment.  She literally cannot see you as an individual with his own emotions and needs.  She is unable to perceive that you have any needs separate and distinct from her own.  Any demand/expectation from you as to fulfillment of any of your expecation/need will be met with surprise, shock, sense of disorientation, sense of bewilderment, as an accusation, as your inability to accept her the way she is, as a threat to her own survival.

My post is not a criticism of a BPD sufferer.  I mean to just explain to you that you are not dealing with an infantile ego. 

BPD is not mental retardation.  The intellectual capabilities are intact and mostly age appropriate.  It is not the IQ that is damaged, it is the EQ (Emotional Quotient) that is stuck at a child/infant stage.

So the dichotomy is that the BPD sufferer is not evil as such... . and yet, it has an evil effect on the persons who love them/live with them.

This is the reason why she will ask you to pick up her mail on your way out of her life.  That's is the extent of your utility value in her life.  Her existential universe is limited.  Her ego is inflexible and bound.

Yours is not.  Your ego is vast and uninhibited.  You think that she is FREE?  No darling, she is a prisoner of her own stuck ego.  YOU ARE FREE!    and strong and are able to blossom.

I will give you a specific example of what I mean.

When I do something nice for my husband... . I truly feel as if I am doing something nice for myself.  The same when I do something for my children.

My ego has expanded to include the people I love into my own sense of self.    I am not a slave.  My ego is vast, is able to expand, is above to love and receive love, is able to feel nuances of gratification that are infinitely more subtle in nuances that just the gratification if immediate and urgent needs.

You have a capacity for lasting happiness.  She has the capacity for only temporary fleeting pleasure.  There is difference between Joy and Pleasure.  You have the capability of feeling both.  She has the capability of only one.

Right now you feel sorry for yourself.  In time, your anger towards her will be replaced by sorrow... . and pity for her... . this I predict.

And this I predict... . you will someday feel the joy of a peaceful loving relationship... . ordinary on the outside and Oh... . so delicious and so nutritious on the inside... .

:-)

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pallavirajsinghani
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« Reply #35 on: March 26, 2013, 09:34:13 PM »

I mean to just explain to you that you are not dealing with an infantile ego. 

Sorry for the many typos and run on sentences... .

This sentence is supposed to read,  "I mean to just explain that you are not dealing with a mature ego.  Hers is an ego at an infantile stage and will remain so until and unless she undergoes rigorous therapy designed specifically for BPD sufferers". 
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Eightyfour

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« Reply #36 on: March 26, 2013, 11:59:22 PM »

You gained a lot man, this experience basically took you out of pvssy ville and gave you the speed course "manning up".

And you dodged not a bullet but a scudd missle. No stds, no pregnancy, no mortgage. I'd go out and celibrate man, case of beer and a cigar!

My story is quite similar I was capt save a ho while BPD webcam sexed and screwed 3 other dudes giving me genital warts. I wanted to work it out and forgave her, begged her, the whole shabang.

Well in august I met another psychopath and as soon as the honeymoon was over and the push pull started I kicked her to the curb.

Did it hurt? Sure did.

But I remained a man and it proved I dont take any crap.

And you will too in the future, you wont let yourself be manipulated and distespected from now!

Chin up and watch your life flourish while hers will come spiraling down.
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paperlung
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« Reply #37 on: March 27, 2013, 01:34:30 AM »

Paperlung:

What exactly is maturity?  What is the definition of maturation?

A child is ego centric.  The entire universe literally revolves around him/her.  Since the child is unable to take care of his/her own needs, the child must cry loudly and persistently until someone pays attention to those needs.

As the child grows older, the child learns new coping skills to meet those needs.  For instance, "I am hungry... . I don't have to cry for my parent to fulfill my hunger... . I can open this candy bar and eat it."  With this awareness of one's own ability, arise what is called,  "ego-individuation".  Which means that the child is gradually able to separate his/her identity from others and become a fully functional adult human being.

With a person suffering from this disorder, such an individuation and separation has not been achieved.  So, the ego is stuck at the child stage.  The BPD mind is still ego-centric.  When confronted with "adult" world and "adult" expectations and "adult" consequences, this ego suffers a threat of annihilation.

Hence you see traits of extreme self-centeredness, raging, fear, anger, hostility and extreme happiness too.

So what you perceive as selfishness is her ego stuck at the infant/child stage.  You only exist in her universe as a means to her need-fulfillment.  She literally cannot see you as an individual with his own emotions and needs.  She is unable to perceive that you have any needs separate and distinct from her own.  Any demand/expectation from you as to fulfillment of any of your expecation/need will be met with surprise, shock, sense of disorientation, sense of bewilderment, as an accusation, as your inability to accept her the way she is, as a threat to her own survival.

My post is not a criticism of a BPD sufferer.  I mean to just explain to you that you are not dealing with an infantile ego. 

BPD is not mental retardation.  The intellectual capabilities are intact and mostly age appropriate.  It is not the IQ that is damaged, it is the EQ (Emotional Quotient) that is stuck at a child/infant stage.

So the dichotomy is that the BPD sufferer is not evil as such... . and yet, it has an evil effect on the persons who love them/live with them.

This is the reason why she will ask you to pick up her mail on your way out of her life.  That's is the extent of your utility value in her life.  Her existential universe is limited.  Her ego is inflexible and bound.

Yours is not.  Your ego is vast and uninhibited.  You think that she is FREE?  No darling, she is a prisoner of her own stuck ego.  YOU ARE FREE!    and strong and are able to blossom.

I will give you a specific example of what I mean.

When I do something nice for my husband... . I truly feel as if I am doing something nice for myself.  The same when I do something for my children.

My ego has expanded to include the people I love into my own sense of self.    I am not a slave.  My ego is vast, is able to expand, is above to love and receive love, is able to feel nuances of gratification that are infinitely more subtle in nuances that just the gratification if immediate and urgent needs.

You have a capacity for lasting happiness.  She has the capacity for only temporary fleeting pleasure.  There is difference between Joy and Pleasure.  You have the capability of feeling both.  She has the capability of only one.

Right now you feel sorry for yourself.  In time, your anger towards her will be replaced by sorrow... . and pity for her... . this I predict.

And this I predict... . you will someday feel the joy of a peaceful loving relationship... . ordinary on the outside and Oh... . so delicious and so nutritious on the inside... .

:-)

You speak with such wisdom. Thank you.

I always felt that she was more like a child, one I had to look after, than a girlfriend during our relationship.
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paperlung
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« Reply #38 on: March 27, 2013, 01:45:48 AM »

You gained a lot man, this experience basically took you out of pvssy ville and gave you the speed course "manning up".

And you dodged not a bullet but a scudd missle. No stds, no pregnancy, no mortgage. I'd go out and celibrate man, case of beer and a cigar!

My story is quite similar I was capt save a ho while BPD webcam sexed and screwed 3 other dudes giving me genital warts. I wanted to work it out and forgave her, begged her, the whole shabang.

Well in august I met another psychopath and as soon as the honeymoon was over and the push pull started I kicked her to the curb.

Did it hurt? Sure did.

But I remained a man and it proved I dont take any crap.

And you will too in the future, you wont let yourself be manipulated and distespected from now!

Chin up and watch your life flourish while hers will come spiraling down.

Haha, I liked the part about the scud missile!

You're right, I should be out celebrating or what have you. She was toxic... . an archer... . a cancerous individual who I willingly let devour my soul for far too long.

If I took anything away from this relationship, it's that I won't be pushed around anymore.
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Lady31
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« Reply #39 on: March 27, 2013, 04:40:19 AM »

I logged in to say two things:

Paperlung - you are worth more than to be this chic's errand boy!  Keep going forward honey!

Pallavira - I always LOVE reading your posts.

Lady
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paperlung
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« Reply #40 on: March 27, 2013, 11:07:03 PM »

Was hoping I could get some more thoughts on this. I can't help but think that I played a role in her finding somebody new to cling onto because I gave her the impression I had found somebody new myself.

I think I might've been the cause for what has most recently happened; her rejecting my help after originally wanting it and then jumping straight into new relationship with someone who lives thousands of miles away. Let me explain.

So after the man from England left for a second time, the deal was that I would help her get help and we would try and repair our relationship slowly as she got better.

I mentioned to my ex last month one day at her place how there was this girl from my school who liked me and wanted to hang out and my ex didn't take it well. She immediately started asking me a bunch of questions like, "How did you meet her? What is she like? What does she look like?" -- I could sense her insecurity. I told my ex that she liked hockey and fitness; two things I am into and my ex isn't. So then my ex says, "Well! I guess you finally found your perfect girl! Get the F out my house now, you prick!" Meanwhile, I was trying to explain to her that I wasn't seeing her or was going to see her, I just wanted to mention the awkward situation I'm in. My ex told me to tell this girl that I couldn't see her because I was trying to work things out with my ex.

What I'm thinking is that she was afraid that eventually I was going to abandon her for this new girl or somebody else, so instead, she breaks it off me.

There were other times when she would say things to me like, "I bet when YOU move out/YOU have kids/YOU get married you'll... .  " -- It made me feel like she had no intention of being with ME in the future. So one night I made the effort to say something similar to her, "Maybe I'll meet my future wife while I'm studying to become a physiotherapist." Her response, "Wow... .  thanks."

It probably didn't help that I wasn't being very affectionate towards her, but then again, why should I have been? We weren't in a relationship anymore/she broke my heart/the plan was she just wanted to focus on getting better, but still... .  I know she wanted that loving attention, and I wasn't giving it to her.

There was another time when I was over she was acting all depressed and told me it was because she was on this forum exclusively for cam models like her and there was thread called "Post a picture of you and your boyfriend" -- seeing pictures of seemingly happy couples upset her. So what do I do? I tell her that she should go look for somebody on POF again if she is feeling that lonely. She then tells me to go home after that. Minutes later she hides under the covers (we were in her bed) and says, "Can we be boyfriend and girlfriend again?" I pull the blanket off her, look at her and say, "Look, I love you a lot. But right now, it simply just cannot work. You need to get help first. I'm willing to wait. Please don't think I'll leave you for somebody else." Minutes later I ask her where that came from and she told me to just forget about it.

So... .  what I'm trying to get at is she probably thought I was going to leave her so she found somebody else.


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TakeFlight

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« Reply #41 on: March 28, 2013, 02:50:01 PM »

Was hoping I could get some more thoughts on this. I can't help but think that I played a role in her finding somebody new to cling onto because I gave her the impression I had found somebody new myself.

I think I might've been the cause for what has most recently happened; her rejecting my help after originally wanting it and then jumping straight into new relationship with someone who lives thousands of miles away. Let me explain.

So after the man from England left for a second time, the deal was that I would help her get help and we would try and repair our relationship slowly as she got better.

I mentioned to my ex last month one day at her place how there was this girl from my school who liked me and wanted to hang out and my ex didn't take it well. She immediately started asking me a bunch of questions like, "How did you meet her? What is she like? What does she look like?" -- I could sense her insecurity. I told my ex that she liked hockey and fitness; two things I am into and my ex isn't. So then my ex says, "Well! I guess you finally found your perfect girl! Get the F out my house now, you prick!" Meanwhile, I was trying to explain to her that I wasn't seeing her or was going to see her, I just wanted to mention the awkward situation I'm in. My ex told me to tell this girl that I couldn't see her because I was trying to work things out with my ex.

What I'm thinking is that she was afraid that eventually I was going to abandon her for this new girl or somebody else, so instead, she breaks it off me.

There were other times when she would say things to me like, "I bet when YOU move out/YOU have kids/YOU get married you'll... .  " -- It made me feel like she had no intention of being with ME in the future. So one night I made the effort to say something similar to her, "Maybe I'll meet my future wife while I'm studying to become a physiotherapist." Her response, "Wow... .  thanks."

It probably didn't help that I wasn't being very affectionate towards her, but then again, why should I have been? We weren't in a relationship anymore/she broke my heart/the plan was she just wanted to focus on getting better, but still... .  I know she wanted that loving attention, and I wasn't giving it to her.

There was another time when I was over she was acting all depressed and told me it was because she was on this forum exclusively for cam models like her and there was thread called "Post a picture of you and your boyfriend" -- seeing pictures of seemingly happy couples upset her. So what do I do? I tell her that she should go look for somebody on POF again if she is feeling that lonely. She then tells me to go home after that. Minutes later she hides under the covers (we were in her bed) and says, "Can we be boyfriend and girlfriend again?" I pull the blanket off her, look at her and say, "Look, I love you a lot. But right now, it simply just cannot work. You need to get help first. I'm willing to wait. Please don't think I'll leave you for somebody else." Minutes later I ask her where that came from and she told me to just forget about it.

So... .  what I'm trying to get at is she probably thought I was going to leave her so she found somebody else.



I can add to this. upon graduating college last May I decided my gf wasn't good enough for me, especially since I was moving 4.5 hours away too a great new job and  life. So I broke up with her. If only I'd stuck to my guns! Not long after I let her ~ me back in with her sob story of thinking I was the one and decided it was best to "transition" the relationship for a few months. I didn't get it at the time cuz I didn't know any BPD and I was pretty much breaking up with her during idealization, but this must have been HUGELY threatening  to her abandonment concerns. And as much as I told her I wasn't moving  on to anyone else (literally I was at home with mom waiting out the transition months from college to job) she was insistent that I was breaking up because i was  interested in someone else. In her eyes it's impossible to leave a relationship to be happy being alone, which is what I was gonna do. Leaving her could ONLY be because there was someone else I was pursuing. So of of course that's when devaluation an  hunt for the replacement she eventually cheated on me with started. Nonsense. But yea. They def invent stories of projection. You bet you spooked her into finding another connection.
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paperlung
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« Reply #42 on: March 29, 2013, 12:31:12 AM »

I know I shouldn't feel guilty for "spooking" her, but I do... . somewhat. Maybe I should've kept my mouth shut. I just wanted her to know that I had options this time in case she were to screw me around again.

I know I'm better off without my pill-popping/agoraphobic/sex worker/depressed/lying/cheating/self-harming/suicidal/BPD/manipulative/needy/abusive/ungrateful ex-girlfriend, though. Boy... . that sounds bad, doesn't it?
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sad but wiser
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« Reply #43 on: March 29, 2013, 11:54:24 AM »

Yes, Paperlung, it sounds absolutely crazy!  What would a man who can put together a cohesive sentence want with that type of a woman?

Job security?
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paperlung
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« Reply #44 on: March 29, 2013, 12:24:46 PM »

There's a lot of desperate men out there, and the site she works for is full of them. They all would meet/have sex with her if given the chance. I think all of that attention she got on cam went to her head. I remember one night she tried coming on to me (after she had cheated) and I completely rejected her, and she said, ":)o have any idea how many guys would kill to be with me?" and "If I didn't have anxiety/agorphobia, guys would be all over me at school or in the club." Her ego was through the roof! I even said to her that she had changed and that she wasn't the girl I fell in love with anymore.

Letting her work that stupid webcam job is my biggest regret. Not only did her personality change, but that is how she met buddy from England and cheated on me.
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pallavirajsinghani
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« Reply #45 on: March 29, 2013, 09:55:09 PM »

Letting her work that stupid webcam job is my biggest regret.

Did I read this sentence correctly?

My Friend, she is an adult.  To try to stop her would have been abusive.  You could have disagreed with her decision by engaging in a courteous discussion.  That is all you could have done.  You could not have stopped her at all.  She already has a parent.  It is the parent's job to take care of their children.  Yet, she is not a child either.  It is her job to make adult decisions and then to face the consequences. 

Had you voiced your opposition to her decision, you would have been painted black--that's all you would have accomplished.

You thought that goodness results in goodness.  Yes it does.  In the long run it does.  The universe does balance itself.  However, not with her. 

You sowed a seed in sand and continued to water it and nurture it waiting and hoping for it to grow.  It did not.  Now you are wondering if only you had put a certain fertilizer it may have grown, if only you had watered it at 3:39PM instead of at 3:40PM, it may have grown, if only you had watered it from a crystal cup instead of from a watering jug, it may have grown, if only you had crawled on bare knees and hands and on broken pieces of glass and watered it, then it may have grown, if only you had shaved your head while watering it, it may have grown, if only you had watered it wearing a white shirt, it may have grown, if only you did not wear the maroon tie your mother bought for you, it may have grown, if only you had not sneezed that particular day, it may have grown, if only you had serenaded it every evening, it may have grown, if only you were an inch taller, it may have grown; if only you had a car with three wheels, it may have grown; if only your nose was just one millimeter to the right, it may have grown; if only you were a vegetarian, it may have grown; if only your hair was a little curlier, it may have grown; if only you liked tea instead of coffee, it may have grown; if only you did not wear that striped shirt that one day, it may have grown; if only you did not get a hangnail it may have grown, if only you were... .

I could go on.

You get the picture.

A seed sown on sand will not, cannot take root, no matter how much you water it.

Period.

End of the regret story.

You are in mourning.  This self-questioning is also part of mourning.  It is important that you understand that this type of self-questioning is a facet of mourning.  Otherwise you will end up degrading yourself in your own eyes, while you have done nothing wrong... . (well, actually you have... . assisting in illegal drug consumption... . you have facilitated her access to pills in the name of love and help for a hurting person... . ).

Bad memories can only be mitigated in time by superimposition of layers of other good memories/experiences.  So be an artist.  Create good experiences for yourself... . hiking with friends, exercise, dancing, picnic... . whatever. 

Go forth and prosper (My Vulcan blessing).  :-)
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pallavirajsinghani
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« Reply #46 on: March 29, 2013, 09:59:47 PM »

p.s.   About any man wanting her:

A 75 year old woman with her imperfect body can easily and in 15 minutes get a man by offering herself for sex free and with no strings attached.

And the same 75 year old woman with her imperfect body can get as much CAM time as your girlfriend can.

These are not achievements of continuous, diligent, deep effort... . like getting a physiotherapy degree.

Hers are achievements of shame and embarrassment.

Not something to boast about.
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DragoN
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« Reply #47 on: March 29, 2013, 10:27:51 PM »

Excerpt
You sowed a seed in sand and continued to water it and nurture it waiting and hoping for it to grow.  It did not.  Now you are wondering if only you had put a certain fertilizer it may have grown, if only you had watered it at 3:39PM instead of at 3:40PM, it may have grown, if only you had watered it from a crystal cup instead of from a watering jug, it may have grown, if only you had crawled on bare knees and hands and on broken pieces of glass and watered it, then it may have grown, if only you had shaved your head while watering it, it may have grown, if only you had watered it wearing a white shirt, it may have grown, if only you did not wear the maroon tie your mother bought for you, it may have grown, if only you had not sneezed that particular day, it may have grown, if only you had serenaded it every evening, it may have grown, if only you were an inch taller, it may have grown; if only you had a car with three wheels, it may have grown; if only your nose was just one millimeter to the right, it may have grown; if only you were a vegetarian, it may have grown; if only your hair was a little curlier, it may have grown; if only you liked tea instead of coffee, it may have grown; if only you did not wear that striped shirt that one day, it may have grown; if only you did not get a hangnail it may have grown, if only you were... .

I could go on.

You get the picture.

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)  beautifully put.

Paperlung, as painful as it is, try not to allow it to take over. There is no quick fix for the pain. It's a gift to you later down the line, but you must walk with and through it.

Excerpt
I know I'm better off without my pill-popping/agoraphobic/sex worker/depressed/lying/cheating/self-harming/suicidal/BPD/manipulative/needy/abusive/ungrateful ex-girlfriend, though. Boy... . that sounds bad, doesn't it?

Freak show territory.  But, as you know, it didn't start quite like that did it? It was insidious and relatively slow. And pretty soon... . you know where it went. You deserve far better than that. And anyone threatening to have sex with whomever for whatever reason? Please ... . just go. Don't come back.
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« Reply #48 on: March 29, 2013, 11:35:10 PM »

Freak show territory.  But, as you know, it didn't start quite like that did it? It was insidious and relatively slow. And pretty soon... . you know where it went. You deserve far better than that. And anyone threatening to have sex with whomever for whatever reason? Please ... . just go. Don't come back.

Well... . she told me about her anxiety/agoraphobia/depression/anorexia/cutting really early on, although her eating disorder and self-injury issues were never a factor in our relationship until after about a year of dating (when she moved into her condo). It was then that her eating disorder and cutting started to happen again.

She said she cheated on her first boyfriend, but she also said she was young and would never do that to anybody ever again. Well she cheated on me! And I was thrice the boyfriend he ever was. She also said all that idealization mumbo jumbo like, "We're soul mates. I want to marry you. I want to have your babies. Let's move in together soon. I wish I lost my virginity to you. You make me so happy. I don't know what I'd do if you left me. Please never leave me. I need you. I love you. I can't imagine a life without you. I don't see myself ever breaking up with you."

She'd also say things like, "Why are you with me? I don't deserve you. You could do so much better? You could have any girl." I'd always have to reassure her that I loved her to bits and would never abandon her.

Look, I can totally admit that this relationship was probably not the smartest decision I've made in my life; just look at all of her problems I've listed! But I was 21, no real social life of my own, was a virgin, never even kissed a girl before... . I got sucked in by her. I wanted a girlfriend, desperately. But I did love her. I really, really did.

She actually sliced up her wrist really bad last month and sent me a picture of the bloody mess while I was out with some friends at a bar; it was very disturbing. Apparently I triggered her to do it because I said to her something along the lines of, "I don't think we should see each other anymore. I keep arguing with you, and I know it's because I'm still not over the affair you had. This is not healthy for either of us, and it would probably be best if I stayed away from you."

This is how I originally saw her when we first started dating. Just a troubled 19-year-old girl who was depressed about her current life because of her anxiety/no social life or friends/family upbringing. I thought I could fix all that for her, at least everything but her family situation. I thought I could make her happy, and I tried SO DAMN HARD. And for every good day we had together, there were 3 or 4 bad days where she'd just want to lie in bed in the dark and be depressed and think and say disturbing things while I tried to comfort her. But still, I was determined to help her. Then... . she cheated on me... . Blamed it all on me, said I wasn't there enough emotionally for her. She just took, and took, AND TOOK from me, and she burned me out. I had to see her every day, bring her food, take her here and there, but of course she would just say, "You're my boyfriend. These are the things you're supposed to do!" But what about me? She didn't do much for me. Sure, she cooked me dinner once in a while, but she'd even complain about that! How I'd never cook dinner for her (I can't cook). So yeah, I did withdraw myself from her a bit. I'd still come over to see her after school or work, but I'd bring my laptop and just put my earphones in and just watch my shows. Since she would rarely ever allow me to be physically away from her, I'd go into my own bubble/world from time to time in her presence while I was at her place to keep myself sane...
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DragoN
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« Reply #49 on: March 30, 2013, 12:16:04 AM »

Paperlung,

You are a soft hearted young man. At your age, I would not have tolerated that. We are different.

At my old age, I would not hook up with someone like that. Not as a friend either. Too toxic. I can't save them.

BUT... . I did marry a pwBPD, high functioning, successful, charismatic and very abusive. Have lost many years and heaven's knows what else in that journey to now.

Nothing is perfect. No one is perfect. Grieve for what you thought you had, and let it go. Easier said than done, I know. But... . do it, you must. Day by day, when you start to think of her, shift your mind elsewhere. These boards are helpful, but they can also be a tad addicting. Refreshing and rehashing the pain.

Excerpt
Look, I can totally admit that this relationship was probably not the smartest decision I've made in my life; just look at all of her problems I've listed! But I was 21, no real social life of my own, was a virgin, never even kissed a girl before... . I got sucked in by her. I wanted a girlfriend, desperately. But I did love her. I really, really did.

 Nobody questions that. It's ok. It's just so sad to see that your first r/s was with such a head case. You are young, and now much wiser.


What are you doing to take care of yourself? Improve your outlook? Friends you have gotten into contact with? Studies or courses you are interested in or were interested in prior to the chaos?


The real focus, is you.

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paperlung
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« Reply #50 on: March 30, 2013, 12:36:57 AM »

I'm actually supposed to be seeing an old friend of mine tomorrow, actually. Was supposed to last Saturday, but his cat got sick (ate detergent) and had to look after it. There will be beer, and there will definitely be some major catching up to do.

My best friend lives in another province, so I don't get to see him very often, but he's been there for me to talk to about this. I might go visit him this summer. Would be nice to get away for a while.

There's one other old friend of mine I keep in touch with here and there. We caught up after 5 years a couple of months ago. I'd like to try and see him more as well.

That's about it for friends. My ex-girlfriend pretty much consumed my life for the past year and a half so I haven't really had the chance to make any real friends at college, just acquaintances.

I've also started going back to the gym regularly. I used to go all the time before I my met my ex, but afterwards... . hah... . stopped going.

Taking an English course in the summer, plus I've got my part-time job just down the road from where I live; I do grounds keeping at a golf course. Speaking of which, I didn't golf once last year. Again, the ex. I tried to get her to go with me so many times, but she never wanted to. Sucked.
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paperlung
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« Reply #51 on: March 30, 2013, 12:53:54 AM »

Some of things I'd have to do for her, I swear... .

There was this one time, after I had come home from snowboarding... . It was like midnight, I'm exhausted, and she tells me to come over so I can bring her a roll of toilet paper... . I did, of course, and it turns out she had some but forgot. Ugh.

Another time she made me come over just so I could turn the oven on for her. It was like 7 PM and she hadn't ate anything all day and was apparently too weak to get out of bed... . T_T

There is so much to not miss about her, it's ridiculous. I do feel very sorry for her, though. Her life sucks and she has so many issues. On top of that, she doesn't have a loving family that shows that they care about her well-being.
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DragoN
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« Reply #52 on: March 30, 2013, 01:14:50 AM »

Excerpt
I'm actually supposed to be seeing an old friend of mine tomorrow, actually. Was supposed to last Saturday, but his cat got sick (ate detergent) and had to look after it. There will be beer, and there will definitely be some major catching up to do.

My best friend lives in another province, so I don't get to see him very often, but he's been there for me to talk to about this. I might go visit him this summer. Would be nice to get away for a while.

There's one other old friend of mine I keep in touch with here and there. We caught up after 5 years a couple of months ago. I'd like to try and see him more as well.

That's about it for friends. My ex-girlfriend pretty much consumed my life for the past year and a half so I haven't really had the chance to make any real friends at college, just acquaintances.

I've also started going back to the gym regularly. I used to go all the time before I my met my ex, but afterwards... . hah... . stopped going.

Taking an English course in the summer, plus I've got my part-time job just down the road from where I live; I do grounds keeping at a golf course. Speaking of which, I didn't golf once last year. Again, the ex. I tried to get her to go with me so many times, but she never wanted to. Sucked.

Good! More opportunities for fun will slowly unfold. Keep at it.

Your second post... . yeah... . not much to "miss" is it?

Not when you think about it.

She allowed you to feel needed and sorry for her. I don't feel too sorry for her with the cam job and the money she makes. She can afford therapy and can get her own darn food.
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paperlung
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« Reply #53 on: March 30, 2013, 01:37:39 AM »

Excerpt
I'm actually supposed to be seeing an old friend of mine tomorrow, actually. Was supposed to last Saturday, but his cat got sick (ate detergent) and had to look after it. There will be beer, and there will definitely be some major catching up to do.

My best friend lives in another province, so I don't get to see him very often, but he's been there for me to talk to about this. I might go visit him this summer. Would be nice to get away for a while.

There's one other old friend of mine I keep in touch with here and there. We caught up after 5 years a couple of months ago. I'd like to try and see him more as well.

That's about it for friends. My ex-girlfriend pretty much consumed my life for the past year and a half so I haven't really had the chance to make any real friends at college, just acquaintances.

I've also started going back to the gym regularly. I used to go all the time before I my met my ex, but afterwards... . hah... . stopped going.

Taking an English course in the summer, plus I've got my part-time job just down the road from where I live; I do grounds keeping at a golf course. Speaking of which, I didn't golf once last year. Again, the ex. I tried to get her to go with me so many times, but she never wanted to. Sucked.

Good! More opportunities for fun will slowly unfold. Keep at it.

Your second post... . yeah... . not much to "miss" is it?

Not when you think about it.

She allowed you to feel needed and sorry for her. I don't feel too sorry for her with the cam job and the money she makes. She can afford therapy and can get her own darn food.

Thing is, she has always blamed her anxiety/agoraphobia for the reason why she is unable to go out on her own. She is paranoid she'll have a panic attack. I'm guessing she's had to suck it up since I went NC. Everything she needs is easily accessible via walking. But I know she wouldn't go out without taking a clonazepam, that's for sure. I'm sure she got buddy from Utah to take her wherever she needed to go, just like I used to, when he came up here to visit her two weekends ago.

Can't help but wonder what the future holds for her, though. Last I heard (from checking her cam), she is going to be staying in Utah with her new man for a while, which really shocked me because that's a pretty far drive. She would never even want to go camping with me (she's never been) just an hour away from home. So the idea of her in a different country, with this guy, no visual familiarity... . I just can't imagine it. Her anxiety is that bad. If she actually goes through with it, wow. She's never even left the area she's from before. I know I shouldn't care, but this kind of intrigues me considering how her anxiety caused our relationship so many troubles.

As for therapy, I doubt she's doing/going to do any. There's nothing in our area and she doesn't drive. After she got diagnosed she probably ended up dismissing it. All she thinks she needs is a man to love/save her all over again. Sheesh.
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sad but wiser
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« Reply #54 on: March 30, 2013, 04:48:30 PM »

Excerpt
Did I read this sentence correctly?

My Friend, she is an adult.  To try to stop her would have been abusive.  You could have disagreed with her decision by engaging in a courteous discussion.  That is all you could have done.  You could not have stopped her at all.  She already has a parent.  It is the parent's job to take care of their children.  Yet, she is not a child either.  It is her job to make adult decisions and then to face the consequences. 

Had you voiced your opposition to her decision, you would have been painted black--that's all you would have accomplished.

Hear, Hear, Palla! Well said!
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pallavirajsinghani
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« Reply #55 on: March 30, 2013, 08:40:28 PM »

There was this one time, after I had come home from snowboarding... . It was like midnight, I'm exhausted, and she tells me to come over so I can bring her a roll of toilet paper... . I did, of course, and it turns out she had some but forgot. Ugh.... . and then that one time when she said that she forgot how to use the toilet paper and I had to get up at weeeee hours of the morning and help her remember how to use it... . and then there was one time when she said that she had totally dissociated and could not get up from the bed to go to the bathroom and I had to carry her and find out that she now needed adult diapers and I had to help her clean up after herself and then had to go to the convenience store to purchase some baby diaper rash cream... .

Again, my post may appear a sarcastic anti-mental disease rant... . it is not meant to be.

I am reiterating the "infantilism" inherent in the manifestations of this disorder and how your relationship was with a legally and intellectually adult person whose emotions are stuck at the age of a child.

You are on the road to recovery.  Continue walking the path.  Pray for those who suffer from this disorder.  For you my friend, will create a great functional fulfilling life... . those who suffer from this disease will not... . not without long term therapy.


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Louise7777
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« Reply #56 on: March 30, 2013, 08:49:27 PM »

Palla, I completelly agree with you on the "I am reiterating the "infantilism" inherent in the manifestations of this disorder and how your relationship was with a legally and intellectually adult person whose emotions are stuck at the age of a child."

They pretend to be helpless, helpless kids, actually! I have seen baby talk from a BPD woman on her 70s! If you give in, it just gets worse. Im always amazed to see such freak show behaviour causes pity on people... . I really have no empathy for that! The lady Im talking about did that in order to have all boring tasks be done for her. Aint that convenient? Although pathetic and ridiculous!
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paperlung
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« Reply #57 on: March 31, 2013, 05:28:25 AM »

It's so true. She was far more like a child, one that I had to take care of, than a girlfriend. I even told her this.

Maybe NC has caused her to be more independent, I don't know. I ain't her chauffeur anymore!
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paperlung
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« Reply #58 on: March 31, 2013, 09:07:49 PM »

Lurked her Facebook and saw that she is now I guess "officially" in a relationship with this guy. She also mentioned how she hasn't been this happy in a long time. I feel down.
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Louise7777
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« Reply #59 on: March 31, 2013, 09:44:20 PM »

Paperlung, I understand you feel down. But keep in mind its the same movie again, you already watched it. She will repeat the "I was never this happy" for every new bf... .   Its not about you, its abt her disorder. And its about what you will do from now on to avoid being hurt again. Wish u luck.
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