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Author Topic: Did your BPD ex bring out the worst in you?  (Read 1204 times)
Sledgehammer

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« on: March 20, 2013, 08:48:49 PM »

Absolutely.  I have never been an angry or argumentative person.  But being with my (now ex) BPD wife made me the most agitated and anger prone individual.  I am disgusted by it.  I realize now it was the crazy-making I was going through.  It's not the major episodes that are the worst, it is the daily, small emotional attacks that eat you alive.  You literally don't even realize the life is being sucked out of you until it all comes crashing down.

But all that constant assault from her made me change.  She would badger me until I finally would crack and scream back.  On and on a fight would go like this for hours... .  until sun-up if she wanted it too.  Yes, I tried to stop, and just shut up and give it a rest, but she would dig deeper and deeper with her hideous insults about me or my family or friends to the point where I couldn't stay quiet any longer.

Then she would eventually tire.  I would truly feel bad for descending down such an argumentative and angry path, but she would make me feel like it was I who started it.  Hell, after a while she had me believing I really was a terrible hustand and person in general.

Wow, what these people can do to you!
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bb12
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« Reply #1 on: March 20, 2013, 09:20:32 PM »

Having no real self, they use arguments or emotional abuse for supply. Whether they get it from amazing sex or a screaming match, any sort of reaction is better than nothing.

Chaos is mistaken for passion but only in so far as it staves of feelings of emptiness

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id-crisis
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« Reply #2 on: March 20, 2013, 09:39:24 PM »

in the early stages of our marraige especially I would rise to her bait and get angry with her, so ashamed of my behaviour now. she would say awful things to me, but if did it back in kind after been so wound up she would play the victim and cry.

Did anyone else experience this?

When I started learing about BPD etc I stayed calm, at one point in our marraige this seemed to wind her up even more!

she said she did'nt feel in control when I was been calm.

Oh Yesss!

For a long time, I'd be too gobsmacked to even have a response for most of the deliberate and indeliberate tests, antagonisms and abuse. In fact, he was a "hit and run" kind of guy anyway so even if I had a decent, productive or angry retort at the ready - he was long gone & already eating dust anyway!

He'd then get home and bombard me via phonecalls, texts and emails - which used to leave me utterly floored and struggling to keep up.

When I did get to the stage where I was angry enough or felt forced into survival mode which mustered the energy to fight back, attempt to defend my boundaries or try to illustrate what he was doing to me by "giving him a taste of his own medicine" (seeing as it was obvious he couldn't be reasoned with by this point) - I was fighting a losing battle - and probably playing right into his hands.

And he sure as hell played the victim!

Until I was pushed to that point, which took a few years - I was always calm in my responses (although inside I was shocked and confused).  When I started losing my cool and biting back - is when I became a person I am ashamed of to this day. I didn't find out about BPD until it was too late to have effectively tried any of the communication exercises with him.

I did notice in particular though, that the first time I lost my cool in front of him (burst into tears of pure frustration... .  and couldn't stop sobbing) that he instantly calmed down and behaved very decently toward me. I now wonder if he was always prodding and poking for more intense emotional expression from me, as some sort of assurance/validation, but that just wasn't me on a day to day basis.

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fromheeltoheal
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
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« Reply #3 on: March 20, 2013, 09:49:19 PM »

Oh yes.  I was completely open, honest and vulnerable with her initially, because it felt great, and then she used it all against me.  I was getting defensive constantly, which I hate about myself, and walking around on eggshells, in shock a lot.

But the good news is I hadn't felt as good as I did in the beginning in a long time, and I want that, which motivates me to heal, learn and grow, so I can create that with someone without "those" traits.  I think I'm much better at identification, and am willing to see.  There are definitely good things that came out of it.
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id-crisis
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« Reply #4 on: March 20, 2013, 09:51:49 PM »

Here is the long and short,IMO.  The abuse is insidious and relentless. They take all your intimate disclosures, those made with trust, and use them to hurt you. They have no empathy.

I remember comig home from a long trip where I had gone to visit my dying father. It was a terrible thing to see. He was dying of lung cancer and emphysema. Weighed about 100 lbs. He was suffering immensely.

I told him about my intentions to divorce my wife, as I had discovered her serial infidelity. My dad encouraged me  to rid myself of her, as he was very adept at assessing character.

In any case, upon my arrival home, my wife got in my face for having forgotten to take out the garbage. I had been traveling all day and she never inquired re my dad.

I had had enough.The cheating, the lying, and now this.

So, I told her she was a selfish a-hole. That's it. But, from then on,her affairs were justified by my "verbal abuse".

The crap we put up with from these folks is unbelievable.

Yep!   
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gettingoverit
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« Reply #5 on: March 21, 2013, 02:03:50 PM »

Here is the long and short,IMO.  The abuse is insidious and relentless. They take all your intimate disclosures, those made with trust, and use them to hurt you. They have no empathy.

I remember comig home from a long trip where I had gone to visit my dying father. It was a terrible thing to see. He was dying of lung cancer and emphysema. Weighed about 100 lbs. He was suffering immensely.

I told him about my intentions to divorce my wife, as I had discovered her serial infidelity. My dad encouraged me  to rid myself of her, as he was very adept at assessing character.

In any case, upon my arrival home, my wife got in my face for having forgotten to take out the garbage. I had been traveling all day and she never inquired re my dad.

I had had enough.The cheating, the lying, and now this.

So, I told her she was a selfish a-hole. That's it. But, from then on,her affairs were justified by my "verbal abuse".

The crap we put up with from these folks is unbelievable.

Yep!   

Yes they do. I did and said things near the end of my relationship that honestly I am truly ashamed of. Although most of it was in response to her lying, rewriting history and full on sense of entitlement. I could have handled myself better nontheless. These relationships are very insidious and soul sucking/destroying. They will use you up and leave you like a piece of trash without any regret, and trash your name in the process. Everyone has their breaking point.
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laelle
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« Reply #6 on: March 21, 2013, 02:12:14 PM »

I would say the first 14 recycles he definitely did bring out the worst in me.  This last time tho, it actually brought out the best in me.  I came here, I learned the tools, I used them in my everyday life. I learned to speak his language, I radically accepted him.  I posted and I learned alot.  I was the best girlfriend ever.  Smiling (click to insert in post) 
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expos
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« Reply #7 on: March 21, 2013, 02:58:54 PM »

Mine did bring out some very bad things... .  but she did teach me to fight and prove my point in my professional career and with others.  It was a crash course in combat, after going a few rounds with her and getting stomped.

Before I met her, I was a passive-friendly-agreeable guy that tended to get walked over a bit.  Now, not so much.  I'll engage in verbal wars with others because after dealing with her, I am just about prepared for anything. 

After I dumped her, I did notice myself slipping into my passive self a bit after basically hiding in apartment on weekends, working out excessively, working 8 to 7, and never going out for a meal or even a date.  All of which lead to a full psychological implosion in late February which I feel was bound to happen anyways as an aftershock with divorce.

But our fights were very one-sided in the beginning.  She was my princess and I let her get away with it.  I would look at her, shut my mouth, and look at the ground.

Once she emotionally drained me (she ALWAYS picked the fights, I NEVER started a single fight), I lost my patience.  I fought back with an intensity that she had no idea I had.  She couldn't understand these sudden outbursts because I usually kept quiet and catered to her so much.  She just failed to realize that she was having outbursts all the time... .  and me taking it was the just the normal routine.

But boy, did I say some brutal things.  But so will her next boyfriend and husband, who will be far less patient that I was.

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hithere
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« Reply #8 on: March 21, 2013, 03:16:56 PM »

My story is mostly the same as above, she would use the excuse of passion for her fights... .  she would keep me up all night, stupid fights that I can't even remember.  Digging deep until I reacted, she kept saying that I should worry when she stops fighting with me because that will mean she does not care anymore.  Crazy stuff!
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SarahinMA
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« Reply #9 on: March 21, 2013, 03:28:11 PM »

Yes Yes Yes.  You always hear that you can judge someone by their friends?  With him, it was totally true.  When I hung around my ex and his friends, I found myself being ruder to people and saying mean things about people.  It's almost like it flowed naturally, which I can't understand.  I'm also not much of an arguer and he would definitely pick fights over stupid things and leave me crying and screaming at him (which I don't do either). 

When I start missing him, I remind myself: is this someone I really want to be with?  He's a coward, conflict avoidant.  He fled when things got tough, claimed he loved me, and dropped me from his life without batting an eye.  Then, I remember that I deserve someone who will make me want to be a better person and will love me unconditionally. 
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healingmyheart
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« Reply #10 on: March 21, 2013, 04:21:58 PM »

Actually I think I dealt with the raging pretty well.  I never reacted, in fact, I tried to ignore it which of course he didn't like.  I would just say that I refuse to belittle myself to his level and walk away.  A few times he had me on the floor crying hysterically and I'm not proud of that.  I called him out on his affair and I was the one who got yelled at. 

I was patient, giving, considerate, loving, and understanding.  He had a good thing and if things can't work out with someone as tolerate as me, he will never find anyone. 

Looking at his past track record, his wife divorced him because he had an affair.  He immediately got involved with a married women and that physical affair lasted 4 months.  Then he had an online affair with a married women which lasted 4 months.  Then he got involved with me and it lasted 2 years but I'd have to say the idolization stage lasted 4-6 months.  Four months definitely seems to be the key period of time for his honeymoon phase.  Hindsight is great, isn't it?  Oh well, live and learn... .  
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mtmc01
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« Reply #11 on: March 21, 2013, 04:30:32 PM »

I became a very angry and controlling/codependent person. I was even myself guilty of some emotional abuse in the last month or so of the relationship. I had never had these traits come out before, and of course they were all she'd talk about as to why she was leaving and refused to give me any chance to work on myself like I'd given her countless times... .  specifically with her alcoholism and the abuse and lies that went with it. But hey, she'd been "clean" for a month, so I was the problem. 
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DepressIsolatedMeg
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« Reply #12 on: March 22, 2013, 03:15:44 AM »

Definitely A YES.

He made me think how horrible a person I am. I even thought about killing myself because he made me think how HORRIBLE I AM and I believed in him. Like I was already a person with not much self-worth, and he constantly be telling him how much I don't deserve to be loved because I am a horrible person.

Now I am still paranoid if people won't talk to me because I am a "horrible" person. He definitely brought out the worst in me, and I hate him.
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