Do they live in constant torment?

[honeybadger]

It seems like they do from everything I've read and experienced. I've lived in residual torment, which I do not want to do anymore.

It just seems like an awful way to live. Why don't they reach out? I am so new that I am not understanding.

[SadWifeofBPD]

Some seem to.  And, some seem to sabotage themselves and cause more torment.  My BPDH causes more torment by drinking.  He also annoys others (and then becomes upset by their reactions), by not doing his fair share of the work, by acting silly at the wrong times, by being clueless about the mess he makes, by not letting others express their viewpoints, etc. 

When he was single and lived with 3 roomies, they would get angry at him for not doing his fair share of the housework, and when he did do a chore, he did it wrong or poorly. 

When others get mad at him, instead of considering that they may have a point, he insists that he's being treated unfairly.

The only time he'll listen to someone is if he has some stake in that person and he wants to keep them in his life (otherwise he'll paint them black and oust them).  For instance, H really wants to keep his brother in his life (they've reconnected after 30 years of rare interaction).  H treated me very unfairly during a phone call a couple of months ago, and BIL overheard H yelling at me  (H didn't realize that his brother could hear him).  Later I learned, that his brother "ripped him a new one," and my H actually broke down in tears.  The next day, H apologized to me (at his brother's insistence.)   Unfortunately, this incident wasn't a "wake up call" for my BIL, because he still thinks his little brother is a victim.  (BIL hasn't been in our life, and he hasn't even seen me for over 6 years... and that was just an incidental meeting at a funeral... .  no conversation, etc.  I've always been pleasant to this BIL, but my H has convinced BIL that I'm "mean" to him and guilty of all kinds of things... .  basically short of murder. 

[GreenMango]

I don't know honeybadger if it's constant torment, but from what I experienced it was for the most part always on the edge of going there.

[screwedovr]

They're just great at the beggining of a new relationship. my exBPDw lets me know all the time how great her life is now with her new boyfriend!  The torment won't start for about another year!

[cal644]

If they do - they wear a mask so well.  When we were in the process of splitting my stb ex sent me a text that was probably the most open and honest she had been with me in 19 years.  Here are a few of the things she said. 1. It takes all of my energy just to make it through the day, not only with the marriage but with everything - it has my whole life. 2. I have a horrible sence of self esteme because being born I was always told how dumb, stupid, and ugly I was in addition to the sexual abuse. 3. I don't know how to be a good mother or wife because I never had a good example growing up. 4. She told me this before but - she has never had a good dream in her life. 5. told before - she will always keep people at an arms distance and will not open her heart and cannot trust.  So is it a constant torment - I would say yes - but she hid it well.  She also told me I deserve so much better after putting up a nutcase with her for years.  I honestly think she sabotaged our marriage from the beginning because she didn't beleive she deserved it - she never wanted to get married to me or anyone else because of her past, she could physically see my soul mate in her head, she convinced herself after a trip to Vegas last year that we would never be back there together again, she convinced herself I had slept with all these other woman and had affairs.  She told me there is so much more she could tell me - but she just can't - So is it a constant torment - from the one time she was truly honest with me I would say YES!

[ScotisGone74]

During the relationship after about a year or year and half with mine she brought up how it took everything to just get out of bed, she was a physically healthy twenty five year old at that point.  I think for most of them the new relationship is just a way to avert the pain they feel themselves for a little while, they leach off the new person's personality, they actually become the new person in some regards... .  but then as things go along of course the new person just doesn't do all the things they like, doesn't love them enough, or the person has to leave to go to work at some point and "Leaves" them alone, or they actually see that the new person is just getting too close to them-then the claws come out at that point.  How could someone that actually lives/behaves/acts/treats others like they do actually Not live in torment? I don't honestly know, maybe someone else around here does.

[jaird]

It seems from watching my ex move on, that she hopes to escape the torment of being emotionally close to someone by keeping a man for a casual relationship. She has even told me that no one would ever get inside her head again.

This from a woman who complained her ex spouse was superficial, and "only did surface", in her words.

[patientandclear]

I would say my ex lives with constant anxiety and is constantly attempting to calm it with new strategies to change his life in a way that will finally stop the endless parade of losses and disappointments.

He seems not to have the same degree of insight about WHY he keeps being disappointed as some people's partners I've seen described here.  A couple of times in the past two years, i've gently shared a theory that he is afraid that no one who really knows him will really love him, and is afraid that anyone who claims to love him will inevitably hurt him (by abandoning him or taking him over such that he doesn't have an independent self).

I am 99.99% certain that my analysis is correct, and I've tried to offer it in a gentle, non-judgmental, non-patronizing way.

When I do, his reaction is always the same -- he has no idea what I'm talking about.  Instead his explanations for what happens with his relationships are all situational -- you know, he thought someone was the right woman, but it turned out she/I wasn't (he's never exactly said this about me, I'm extrapolating from how he described past relationships), too bad, try again down the road, he values the experiences he's had along the way, etc.

Yet this is the same man who will say to me that all of life is coming to terms with loss.

So while I think he is always in torment, his coping strategies and defenses are so strong that he is always attached to a narrative of some change that is going to be great & make it all better.

In fact, to really make it better, he'd have to stop making frantic changes, sit still and really dig in to his trust and attachment issues.  But that ... .  is not happening.

[jaird]

Good points patientandclear.

My ex seemed to think we were the only couple with issues, and that our issues were insurmountable. Then add in the trust issues and fear of abandonment, and you have a relationship that can't work.

My T told me "If she has what you say she has, and she says she has, even with the most luxurious treatment, which is quite expensive, it's going to take a long time for her to get better"

Never mind the fact that she turned down DBT treatment 18 months ago due to the cost.

[SadWifeofBPD]

They're just great at the beggining of a new relationship. my exBPDw lets me know all the time how great her life is now with her new boyfriend!  The torment won't start for about another year!

Oh yes... . but don't be surprised if she refuses to admit when things start going badly. 

When my BPDH stayed with his brother for 2 months while in daytime rehab in another state, my H often regaled in how happy he was staying there and how wonderful they were to him... . unlike being with his "mean wife."

However, when he came home, slowly the truth came out.  His brother took his Rxs w/o H's permission and "controlled" their consumption... . even refusing to give H his daily sleeping pills.  H had to "hide" his purchases of certain things (energy drinks) because his bro didn't approve.  His bro would nag him about waking up late on weekends, something H loves to do.  Bro would try to get him up at around 9am to help with weekend chores, but H would refuse and get up at 1pm or 2pm... . then go to the gym... . then watch football on TV.  His bro would get annoyed with H for having bedroom windows open when the house heat was on.  And, so on and so on.  H told me that his brother treated him like a child.  (don't disagree with the brother... . H does act like a child and needs parent-like guidance... . big time!)

So, the paradise wasn't so wonderful in truth. 

[rogerroger]

Nobody is all good or all bad. This includes pwBPD. It is a mistake to think that they behave badly because they are just evil people, but it is also a mistake to think it isn't ever deliberate because they have an illness. My stbxBPDw really struggled often with self-esteem, but other times could inflict horrific insult and injury while apparently feeling perfectly justified in doing so (no torment whatsoever). Then she would take offense that her targets got upset.