I Wanted Closure.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I was so hurt and shocked by her abrupt break up. I kept trying to contact asking for a final talk so I can have a closure. Man, this was a blunder. She raged evn worse and started threatening to come to my work and to my home and kill herself infront of me. She accused me that by texting her I am harassing her and that I will regret it. I feel so sad . How these people can do this flip from being your best friend to your worst enemy? I regret being involved with her. I dont know how will I heal myself with this injury to my self esteem. I cant trust my judgement anymore. I think BPDs are very powerful . I feel so broken and weak. Please help me get detached ... suggest ways I can forget all this ordeal.

[wanttoknowmore]

I was so hurt and shocked by her abrupt break up. I kept trying to contact asking for a final talk so I can have a closure. Man, this was a blunder. She raged evn worse and started threatening to come to my work and to my home and kill herself infront of me. She accused me that by texting her I am harassing her and that I will regret it. I feel so sad . How these people can do this flip from being your best friend to your worst enemy? I regret being involved with her. I dont know how will I heal myself with this injury to my self esteem. I cant trust my judgement anymore. I think BPDs are very powerful . I feel so broken and weak. Please help me get detached ... suggest ways I can forget all this ordeal.

[laelle]

I know exactly how you feel.  I have been where you are now. 

Radically Accept - She will not change.  She is what she is.  She is a mentally ill person.  Regardless of your best and most loving efforts, she will lose it again.  I know, I have been through about 15 recycles.  Its not your fault.

Understand that you can only control yourself and that you are not responsible for her actions.  You control how you react to her, not the other way around.  She will do what she will do and behave as she will.  Your only responsibility is to take care of you.

Respect her wishes to leave her be as you have to let her be responsible for her own actions.  She says she wants it.  Respect it.

Take a breather and step back.  Its good she wants you to let her alone.  She may change her mind, but it gives you some time to heal up, read the tools here and then decide if you can live with what she offers or let it go.

Its not easy to detach, but in the end you have to decide that you can only control you and that you want good things for you.  She is not a good thing from you.  I know you are hurting, hurting is normal and its ok.  Dont fight it... .  experience it.  Feel it.  Respect the loss.

[wanttoknowmore]

Thank you Laelle ,I appreciate your kindness.

I dont cry easily but I cant believe this experience left me crying in tears off and on. First, I was in denial... then,I wanted to help her understand this disorder... then, I just wanted a final meeting to have a heart to heart talk and to offer apolozy and thanks for two years of sweet memories.

What I got in return for these efforts are rages, insults, devaluation, guilt ,shame and threats.

I cant believe it. Is this the same woman who said"I am love of her life... her best friend ever, till last breath we will be friends and dozens of such expressions.  I believed all this as I didnot know what will be coming in the future. I still feel she  must be hurting too. Thats what increases my sadness .

its a gamut of feelings... sadness,anger,betrayal,regret,helplessness, guilt and shame. I was a confident ,self assured man... what the heck happened to me. I still feel I will recover, slowly but surely. I have survived past tragedies... I have a track record... .  but at this time its all hurt and pain.

[sad but wiser]

Wanttoknowmore, how long were the two of you together? 

Strangely enough, it seems to me that the longer you are with a BPD person, the easier the breakup really is.  I think it is because you start detaching during the relationship as a kind of self-protective necessity.  It is either keep a part of you aloof, or go crazy yourself. 

Some people never make it out.  They hang in there their whole lives, just being recycled over and over.  Others go on and find an equally bad relationship in a short time frame.

The true surviviors learn and learn about what was going on, whether or not they can deal with it, and make a decision to stay or leave.  In the end, it has to be your decision.  why do I think she'll be back?  Just read the boards... .  

  Be kind to yourself.  If you back away and give her room, then she feels abandoned.  If you hold her tightly, she feels smothered.  This is not your fault.  This is not your fault.  This is not  your fault.

   

 

[laelle]

Awwww, my heart really goes out to you.  I have been around the block and under the table with mine and it was the same for me.

I understand now that regardless of how much I love him, I am worthy of having my important needs met and he doesnt want to hear them.

I dont deserve to be talked to like a dog. They are overburdened with their own feelings.  As much as you would like, the light just wont go on.

I learned a cool little thing called mindfulness and it has really helped me in these last 4 months of my last recycle that finally ended a few days ago.  There are some really good websites out there that can teach you the basics.

I love him, I need him, he is still my world... .  but I love me, I need me, and I am not his world.  I am his mirror and he needs me to make him feel good about himself and keep him company.  I wont say he doesnt love me, but its more of the kind of love that you would give a dog, or a plant.  

Take care of you.  You will be able to handle the stress and sadness better if your keeping yourself healthy.

[wanttoknowmore]

sadbutwiser,

we have been intimate friends for last 2 years and there were minor problems but overall it was such a rewarding relationship. This is first major crisis that she got highly dysregulated after a visit to a hospice where memories of her mother's death resurfaced. Mother died 5 months ago. Her job problems,children's problems,her health issues are got worse in last 2 months and compounded the situation. The shock to me is great as I never experience before this kind of rage and silent treatment ever. I never expected it from her.I can't hate her because I still think that deeper down she is a very good human being, this makes it even hard to detach easily.

[oletimefeelin]

When someone is continually pushing you, you will never get what you want by pulling them.  A few days back she reacted viscerally to a similar request.  Sit back - way back - and let her come to you.  She will most likely come back in some form, if you still need "closure" at that time you lay back and let it happen naturally.  Do not lead with this request.

She has no idea why she acts like she does, man.  She can't explain her actions.  It's very painful stuff.  Read through here that closure will be better than she will ever be able to give you. 

If you care about this woman, you will disappear for a period of time.  She's clearly telling you in her own way that she can't handle talking to you right now.

[sad but wiser]

The childlike ability to see the spiritual is very charming and winsome.  It is what kept me together with my BPDXH.  He would treat me like I didn't matter, then have an amazing conversation with me.  What do you do with that?