Avoidance issues and how to handle

[arabella]

So my dBPDh is starting to feel a tiny bit better (thank heavens and knock on wood). He requires medication and extra sleep in order to maintain any sort of mental stability right now (we're talking the difference between being suicidal and not). This makes sense to me and to him, we've discussed it together and he's discussed it with his doctor, so this is good.

Here's the problem... .  He avoids doing the things necessary to maintain this. He doesn't like seeing his doctor (psychiatrist) so he avoids making appointments. I've been 'tricking' him into letting me make appointments so that they happen. Now he's doing it again and he needs a new prescription. He isn't taking the recc'd dose of his medication because of side effects, so the doctor told him that he'd look into alternatives and to come back in two weeks and they'd fix it. That was two weeks ago. Guess who is avoiding going back? Right.

The doctor also wants him to switch to exclusively daytime work for at least a month in order to fix the insomnia problem and regulate the medication. So dBPDh has a doctor's note stating that he needs to be accommodated for a month and can't work any nights. This is the second time the note has been issued. The first month/note he decided to "just see how it goes working nights" - disaster. We talked about it some more, he agreed that it wasn't going well, especially with the severe insomnia and medication dosing. Fine. New note for a new month. He's had it in his pocket for almost 2 weeks now and hasn't handed it in at work. He keeps 'forgetting' or 'doesn't have time' or 'didn't see a supervisor at work'. Right.

So obviously there's avoidance issues at work here. How should I deal with this? I know I can't make him do anything but these are serious issues that need to be addressed. Yes, they benefit me (so I admit I have a decided self-interest here) but they are also very directly affecting his health and our finances. I don't want to push too hard and have it backfire, but something needs to happen here. I used DEARMAN re the note issue, but the problem is that he AGREES with me and then just doesn't DO it. I don't even know if he's doing this on purpose or if it's a completely sub-conscious self-sabotage?   

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rockylove]

I don't even know if he's doing this on purpose or if it's a completely sub-conscious self-sabotage?   

I ask myself this question all too often.  This is all part of the disorder, yet when he does things that seem so intentional at the moment, I scratch my head... .  how does one not know that they are making their own life more miserable? 

I have no good answers for you, arabella... .  just offer huge hugs and hope for a better tomorrow.   

[laelle]

I dont know Arabella... .  there is probably some shame in it for him to turn that letter in to his work.  Proof to the outside world that he isnt normal.

Maybe the way to go with him is to hit on how alot of his behavior is in synch with someone who has sleep deprivation.  I have had 3 children and two close together and I can personally say that lack of sleep makes a saint a raging basket case.  Not that im a saint mind you.  Being able to get that sleep will make him feel more like himself.

As far as the psych appointment.  Maybe make one for yourself and then tell them that they asked about him and you went ahead and made it for you.  You two can go together and then maybe share a nice lunch together.

As you know, you cant control what he does, but maybe validating how the things he is experiencing is normal outside of his illness.

[arabella]

Thanks, Rockylove, sometimes hearing that it's not just me is just as important as any advice I could receive!

laelle - I have tried all kinds of explaining, and it works - he totally agrees with me! He just doesn't DO anything that is required to implement the plans. Ugh. And I agree, there is nothing pretty about sleep deprivation. His insomnia is now giving me insomnia - double whammy. It's affecting my ability to cope (and I wasn't starting at sainthood either ) I think you are probably right re the work rationale. Bear in mind the note doesn't say WHY he can't work nights, and they can't legally ask him either. He knows this. We've discussed answers he can give them if they do ask any questions. He sounds confident about it and says he doesn't care what they think. Still nothing. ARGH!

I manipulated him into letting me make the psych appt again. I caught him as he was walking out the door to work, distracted, and said my schedule was all up in the air but, once I got it sorted today, why didn't I go ahead and make his appt so he wouldn't have to stress over all of my stuff too. Ha! So he just kind of agreed without thinking about that. Success! This is the second time I've used this 'trick'. I just hope it keeps working... .  

[laelle]

Congrats on getting the psych appointment made.  I guess he can explain to his psyche why he hasnt turned in the letter to his work.

I bet you feel like taking the darn note to his work yourself.  I understand your frustration.  Mine really liked to cut off his nose just to spite his face.

[arabella]

Oh gosh, laelle, do I ever want to take that note in myself!

Unfortunately his P won't push him on compliance. My husband is a great actor when it comes to other people and he'll just tell his P that he's fine. I may end up calling the P and ratting my husband out (this would be the second time, the first was when H was suicidal but refusing to tell anyone but me "because they might try to stop him". I have no idea if that will help or not, but he'll be back on nights before the appointment anyway.

Maybe he just finds it amusing to watch me flap at the end of my tether? Seriously, between the frustrating behaviour and my own lack of sleep... .   

[Auspicious]

It is hard when our loved ones won't do what it takes to stay well. It's so frustrating!

If you haven't read it yet, I strongly recommend that you read the book I Am Not Sick, I Don't Need Help. It has a lot of helpful information for dealing with that frustration, and about how to talk to someone who is mentally ill and to encourage them to take positive steps.

[arabella]

Auspicious - that book looks really good! Unfortunately, I'm not having any luck finding an available copy as it looks to be out of print and my library doesn't have it. Any suggestions for a source? (I see there's an e-version on Amazon, but I don't have a Kindle)

Are there any general tips/guidelines from the book you could share here?

[Auspicious]

Auspicious - that book looks really good! Unfortunately, I'm not having any luck finding an available copy as it looks to be out of print and my library doesn't have it. Any suggestions for a source? (I see there's an e-version on Amazon, but I don't have a Kindle)

Are there any general tips/guidelines from the book you could share here?

I believe there are Kindle viewers you can use on a PC ... .  and I know there is a Kindle app for Android phones. So you can read Kindle books without actual Kindles.

Also it's on B&N as a "Nook" book.

Wow, out of print?  I'm surprised. It really rocks.

www.books.google.com/books?id=_ALbAAAAMAAJ&sitesec=buy&source=gbs_atb



In general, it focuses on how mentally ill people are motivated to seek treatment by what is bothering them, not by what is bothering us.

And it teaches a lot of ways to be a better listener, to connect better, and eventually how to possibly help motivate a person to seek appropriate treatments.

[arabella]

Google Books wasn't much help. I think the problem may be that I'm not in the USA. It appears to be more widely available there. I did find the publisher's website though and it appears that the ebook is available as an EPUB without DRM (so I can read it on my own device - yay)! Here's the link for anyone else interested: www.vidapress.com

Thank you for this recommendation, Auspicious!