His face changes... then he turns

[Mischeevious]

It has long been evident to me that I can see UBPD (w/NPD traits)h's moods in his face. He seems to become really unattractive, ugly when he is any mode except 'normal' which is not very often. It's almost like I look at him and think EEEWWW how did I ever fall for you then he changes again, I find it weird, I know our faces show our emotions but his is so extreme and I have trouble looking at him when he is like that. Of course he notices and points that out and I say " I can see from your face you are in the mood where everything is going to be wrong so it's best I stay out the way" he does seem to accept this. I don't know what else to say because I cannot lie ( even though according to him "I know when you're lying because your mouth moves" I am so honest and have trouble with tact.

I am finding it soo frustrating not having anyone to talk to about his behaviour. Last night he twisted and became narcissistic, really horrible and trying to bring the kids in ( he always gets my d12 on side because he manipulates the situation to make me look bad and she jumps on the bandwagon and takes her frustrations out on me too so I get double barrels) he said to me amongst other things " whatever you are going through at the moment you'd better sort it out cause I will not put up with it" unfortunately he caught me in a stressed moment and I said.    " you are the one with the problem so stop turning it on me" which as I said it I knew was unhelpful and foolish, so I quickly took the dog for a long walk. I really needed someone to reassure me and understand so I called 'family lives' which is a phoneline for families with issues; this kinda irritated me because all she did was the counsellor thing of uh hums, then silences, I knew she didn't understand and she didn't ask questions she just kept paraphrasing and saying 'that sounds frustrating, that must be hard for you' aaarrgh it is so hard when no one understands what we have to live with, I'm sure she just thought I was some delusional paranoid nutter.

H has started back on the puff recently, he used to do it recreationally, then sometimes for arthritis, sometimes to sleep ( which is his excuse at the moment even though he takes sleeping tablets!) I know this sounds awful because if the kids knew they'd loose all respect for him, not to mention its illegal and costs money, but it seems to be the only time he is reasonable, almost normal, relaxed, he even laughs sometimes. When I came back with the dog he'd had one so he was ok, he even said "I just saw a programme about some psycho killer and they said he was diagnosed with that thing you say I have many years ago and he never got any help so you might be right about me" I explained that its thought around 80% of inmates have some sort of personality disorder, that it is often undiagnosed and many people dont realise what their problem is so dont get help, so perhaps he may think about getting help, he then changed the subject and avoided all further discussion.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm fighting a loosing battle, sometimes I wonder how wonderful it would be to have a partner to have fun with and have an adult conversation, just to know where things will stand from one moment to the next

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[Mara2]

I know, I know.  Wouldn't it be great to have a normal family?  Well, as my wise father says, there isn't any normal.  Everyone looks good on the outside (even us for a time) but everyone is human and has issues. 

Good advice I got here- we cannot change our partner's behavior, only our own.  It is not helpful to keep bringing up their disorder to them, so read the lessons and learn how to minimize the collateral damage. 

The Feeling Good book you see on here sometimes really helped me as well as Stop Walking on Eggshells.  I'm trying to get our library to buy The Essential Family Guide.

Good for you to take a long walk when things get stressed.  Don't forget to take care of yourself, you are worth it!

[Cloudy Days]

Well, you mentioned Prison, was your husband in prison?

Also have you read the workshop on Dissasociation. I just realized this is what my husband does. His face will change like you said. And it's not him in there, I asked my husband if he ever felt outside of himself. He was almost amazed when I asked him. He didn't know what it was but he did it all the time. He sort of steps outside of himself, it's almost like a dream to him. But he usually doesn't remember much after he does it and he also has a really hard time controlling his actions when he does it. In other words, I need to save myself because he will do some emotional damage if I don't.

[maryy16]

My BPDh too has a change in facial features before he "turns".  I can tell by just looking at him what kind of mood he is in.  If I see the "ugly" face, then I know to step back, be quiet, and not to antagonize him.  He purses his lips and gets a very dark, staring look in his eyes.

I can almost tell what is going on in his head when he looks like that... .  he is cursing out everybody and everything and thinking about how everyone is horrible and out to get him and then it is just a matter of time before his thoughts turn verbal and the episode begins.

The only good thing about the facial change is that it is a warning sign for me and then I can act appropriately so as to not escalate the situation.

[briefcase]

This stuff is hard for people to understand, unless you've lived it.  That's why this place is so important!  Everyone here has lived and we get it.  

We do sort of become expert scientists who study each blip registered on our finely-tuned "BPD Richter Scale" - looking for clues to when the next "earthquake" might shake our worlds.  It's the unhealthy emotional enmeshment that causes this.  The cure is detachment and being comfortable letting them have their own emotions, even the ones that feel unpleasant.

This is what insincere emotional validation feels like (not very satsifying):

I really needed someone to reassure me and understand so I called 'family lives' which is a phoneline for families with issues; this kinda irritated me because all she did was the counsellor thing of uh hums, then silences, I knew she didn't understand and she didn't ask questions she just kept paraphrasing and saying 'that sounds frustrating, that must be hard for you' aaarrgh it is so hard when no one understands what we have to live with, I'm sure she just thought I was some delusional paranoid nutter.

It doesn't fool anyone, not us, not our partners.  You have to actually care about the other person, otherwise it sounds phoney - and it is.  She was "trained" to listen and then make hollow statements that mimic validation ("That must be very hard for you".  The people who answer any company's customer service "complaint line" do the exact same thing.      But validation is not a one size fits all script.  It takes a lot of practice, as we all know.

The long walk with the dog was a great idea to give your self some space.  

I wouldn't put much stock in his comments about the movie he was watching - while on drugs.  I think most people with BPD and probably the other personality disorders know at some level that something is off or wrong and they have these moments when they sort of acknoweldge it before burying it again.  Maybe it will motivate him to get some help, maybe not (ususally not).  

Whether this is a losing battle or not, I suppose it depends on what "battle" you are fighting.  If you are doing all this work in the hope that someday he wakes up and "gets it," admits he has big problems (mental health and substance abuse), seeks help and changes . . . well, that really isn't your battle, that's his, and you will feel like you "lost the battle" when he doesn't do those things.  

On the otherhand, if the battle you are fighting is with youself - examining your own role in the relationship and making changes over what you control (that's you) and getting stronger and more emotionally mature . . . that's a very winnable battle.  And, it sounds like you are winning that battle.  

[crazymade]

mischeevious, learning the changing face was a life saver for me. it took a little while for me to figure it out, but once i did, like you, i know to back away very slowly, it's not him. his eyes get a wild look, he's sweaty and warm, and the right side of his mouth will twitch when he talks, and other things i guess are non verbal. he looks like an animal when it's mad, showing it's teeth a lot. my husband can be physically abusive, so it helps for me to know when  he's changing. i used to walk into a conversation not knowing about all the landmines. i still get caught off guard, but now i know how to talk to him. i know when he's turned. and yes, it is very unattractive. VERY UNATTRACTIVE, and i feel the same way you do. there is NO talking to him, he will take anything you say and make an argument out of it.  i recommend ALWAYS looking at his face to check. i can tell even when he's sleeping, and if he'll wake up in a good or bad mood. you can never ever let your guard down. Good job spotting it!

[MammaMia]

Mischeevious


Don't you just HATE it when helplines are just patronizing?  I do not blame you for being irritated.  They really do not have the capability to deal with something like BPD.  It is way over their head.

Please come here instead.  We get it, and the advice comes from the heart, not a scripted conversation.  You will get advice based on experience.  It is not always

sugar-coated, but it is honest and sincere.

You are home.

Don

[briefcase]

my husband can be physically abusive, so it helps for me to know when  he's changing. i used to walk into a conversation not knowing about all the landmines. i still get caught off guard, but now i know how to talk to him. i know when he's turned.

A couple of thoughts . . .

Physical violence changes this up.  There is a very valid reason to "study" your partner for the slightest change when your physical safety may be in jeopardy. Under those circumstances, I can see why you might want to be hyper-vigilent and very "in tune" with his emotions.  That said, its probably worth exploring healthier ways of dealing with domestic violence than by becoming even more enmeshed in your partner's emotions and walking on eggshells when you see him "change."   It's a hard issue.  

Also, don't get too caught up in the notion that he "changes" and that when he dysregulates, or becomes abusive, it somehow "isn't him."  It is him.  

[Mischeevious]

Thank you guys for allowing me to feel a little less crazy, things have been real hard the past few days then again I had a good few weeks so it catches me out every time. Sometimes I feel being a positive person has negative effects because I keep moving forward when perhaps I should have long ago given up.

Cloudy days, yes he has been in prison twice once when he was in his twenties I believe for two years for ABH and on remand 9 years ago for three months for  conspiracy to rob a petrol station when he was using coke ( he had a lucky escape as there was no evidence) I never got chance to see link you put up that would have been interesting would you possibly message me with it please?

Mara2 it is so hard not to bring up his condition because he keeps blaming me for everything, I know it doesn't help anyone for me to do so but he presses my buttons so hard and becomes a real bully. I try so hard to remain calm but he is so cruel and twisted then brings my d12 into his childish games and that hurts big time because no matter what I do she takes his side and treats him like I'm the evil one even if I say or do nothing.

I am really going through it now because his n phase is continuing full throttle, this when he goes for the jugular, when he is normal or BPD he gives me a little bit of cash, when he is NPD he gives me nothing, no diesel in car, no cash, it's my granddaughters 2nd birthday tomorrow and I haven't got or can get a thing; if I mention it to him he will slag her off ( I know a baby) he'll slag off my d22. He then makes it really hard to study because the fees for my courses don't get paid it really is one hell of a nightmare.

Briefcase, you are right I need to assess my situation, to be honest I don't want to do this anymore most of the time... .  until he sucks me in again... .  I am sick of it, just want to be able to breathe, guess I am just rebuilding myself until I am strong enough ( an financially able ) to get away... .  then again that is one hell of a scary prospect because he has a scary past and those connections are what I fear the most. He has in the past threatened that something will happen to me if I tried to take the children ( I wouldn't but he would perceive it as that ) I know people say its just words that keep you trapped but he knows some seriously dangerous sick people who would think nothing of acid in my face or hit n run etc... .  Now I sound paranoid but believe me even the police wouldn't be able to protect me from these people and wether he would do it or not is another matter but it does play a part in my entrapment.

Thanks again for all your support, this place is a lifeline. Just waiting for this phase to pass...

[MammaMia]

mischeevious

Your situation sounds frightening.   Do you have any family or friends to turn to for help ... .  a safe place to go if you should need it?  I can hear the fear and desperation in your post.  You need to share your story with someone who can watch over you to be sure you are safe.  Someone like a neighbor who can keep an eye on what is happening at your home in case you need help.  Have the police been involved in any past incidents at your home?

Waiting for the storm to pass is a very highly-charged emotional event for you, since there is no guarantee when his abuse will stop and no timetable for when that might happen.  I would assume he rages during these times as well.

Does your DD live in your home with your grandchild?  I hope not.

PLEASE make someone aware of what is happening.  You deserve much better, and getting out of this relationship safely is the key.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.