I'm so embarrassed...

[propunchingbag]

So last night everything finally came to a end. I told her how I cannot recycle over and over again and put up with her abuse.

Here is my problem: This has happened so many times in the past that I am embarrassed to ask my friends and family for support. It feels like I have been crying wolf for so long as I dealt with her that everyone who I trust has now told me its your life work it out. I know my sister is there for me but she is 1000 miles away.

I guess the right thing to do is file for divorce, then tell everyone. At least they will know it is actually happening this time.

I am so beat down by this whole process with her it is amazing that I was able to tell her last night. Of course she is telling me it is because I have not been fully committed to her and the relationship. I did try but I am so burned out emotionally that I could not show up and be committed any longer.

[Newton]

Hey propunchingbag... .  honestly I haven't had a chance to read back through your previous posts yet I think I know where you are coming from.  I burnt a few bridges with friends... .  exhausted a few family members with the constant descriptions of drama, grief and confusion I was experiencing in my relationship. 

It must be tough for you to be so isolated from your support network... .  

Remember there are people here who DO understand and have time for you... .  we have all been through this.

Of course she will blame you for the demise of the relationship... .  I fully understand the necessity she has to deflect, deny and project.  Right now I'm more concerned with your feelings... .  

How are you doing?... .  Can you let us know?... .  

[lost007]

Pro. I understand too. I have filed for divorce. My stbexw has been working on me since. Bargaining. Promising to seek therapy and do whatever it takes not to lose me. We were separated once before. I have a vested interest in making sure the divorce goes through. If I were to back out my friends, family, kids, etc would not be supportive. It's already hard to talk to them about it. I dare not even mention any doubt on my end. It's a hard reality. One caused primarily by her but nonetheless their (BPD) destruction leaves ruin in its wake. Sympathy wanes.

[propunchingbag]

More than anything I am sad. It sucks to look at this woman I once loved and realize that no matter how attracted I may be to her she is poison to my system. It just sucks.

Some back story for you. We have been separated for over a year and living in different homes. My hope was by being separated she would work harder on herself, and her finances, before we moved in together again. I really thought that the space created by living in separate homes would be enough to motivate both of us to want to be together again. But each and every time we were together, but not all the time, she would have some sort of emotional attack on me. Eventually it just became too much. As of last night I told her that it needed to be over because I couldn't take it anymore. She is a wonderful, caring, beautiful woman, but she is also ruthless, manipulative and mean emotional abuser.

I did just get off the phone with my sister. She is very concerned that I'm going to recycle back into the relationship. I can see why she would feel that way since she has watched it happen multiple times already.

Her first question was, did you file yet? I have not filed yet because I need to be off work to do it. That will be on Monday.

[lost007]

You'll be better off but you have a long row to hoe.

[Cimbaruns]

Hi Propunchinbag

I totally understand how difficult it is when it comes to "our" waning support.

So many of my friends were there for me time and time again... .  but the constant recycling made it almost impossible for them NOT to begin to distance themselves.

In no way could most of my family and friends understand the complexity of what this sort of relationship was all about... .  

They would offer support for only so long... .  then it became to difficult to trust in anything I would tell them...

I do have one very close friend that has been there through it all... .  and she has been amazing... .  

She did reach a point though where she told me... .  "sometimes we have to walk along side"... .  almost telling me in an indirect way ... .  that I had to DO THIS alone... .  and in order to make it through ... .  ultimately it was up to ME... .  

I have thought about what she said many times... .  and it now makes perfect sense!

We have to want to truly CARE about US before we can take those steps to move on to where we need to be... .  

Your true friends will always be there for you... .  and in a way ... .  they're giving you the space you need ... .  in order to see just how important you really are... .  

You just have to show them that you can do it!

No one can truly understand like those here... .  and we are all here for you... .  most assuredly !

[propunchingbag]

Thank you for your kind words. I know my friends want me to be happy and that many of them have distanced themselves until I get my life back on track. Nobody likes my soon to be Ex.

[lost007]

Pro. I doubt it is about liking or disliking her. Its about liking you and likely they have seen how the relationship has negatively affected you. I know that my stbex when dysregulated had no sense of right or wrong. She was willing to do or say whatever was required to gain my compliance. Lots of people were hurt. It's not about her but what I allowed her to do if that makes sense. I'm still working my way out of it. Hang in.

[pallavirajsinghani]

Friends and family members can love a person, but they cannot take the place of a good counselor.  Your are grieving over the death of a powerful dream.  The loved ones will look at you and want to throw a celebratory party, they would think, "Eureka!  Finally he is free of chaos!".  However, that is not how you feel.  You are mourning.

I have concluded from my personal experience that by sharing too many intense details with family members and friends, all we do is pass on our own negative emotions to them.  So my 2cent worth suggestion is two-fold:

1)  Use your loved ones to help you create good moments.  Even though they may not feel like good moments at the time... .  gradually these will help rebuild your inner psyche that is so shattered at this time.  I mean simple good moments like a walk or a hike together, biking, watching a movie, a picnic. 

Do not underestimate the healing power of ordinariness.

2)  Use us as venting place... .  and if you can afford counseling, please do so.  It's not that you need therapy.  The best thing a good counselor does is give you skills to cope and overcome so you can thrive once again.  Professional counselors have a perspective, training and skills to cut through the chase.  It took me 8 years to get over my own personal DV experience on my own.  Had I attending counseling, it would have taken me a year or year and a half.  I wasted a lot of my prime years.

Notice:  I use the term,  "Use".  Use your resources well.  To use is not synonymous with misuse.  Your friends and family and us we are your resources.  Use all of us well.

This is your time to take.  You can always give back in time.  :-)

God bless.

[Newton]

pallavirajsinghani... .  what a beautiful post... .  thankyou 

[pallavirajsinghani]

Hugs to all of you.  For all of you are my brothers and sisters and daughters and sons and mothers and fathers and friends and well wishers.  :-)

[propunchingbag]

Hugs to all of you.  For all of you are my brothers and sisters and daughters and sons and mothers and fathers and friends and well wishers.  :-)

Thank you! That really put things into perspective for me.