What do you "get out of" marriage?

[shatra]

Hi

I have a blunt question. I am wondering what people who live with or are married to the pwBP "Get out of" it.  Beyond the fun of the initial honeymoon stage, and beyond "being there for" the kids, what benefits do you get out of it?

  I ask this out of curiousity. I experience ups and downs with my boyfriend. And I read about a lot of conflicts people here experience. So I would love to learn what the benefits are for people here.

Thank you

Shatra

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[Mischeevious]

Hi Shatra,

Your question has really made me think, what do I get out of it? I have been with my uBPD (w/NPD traits)h for 14 years, it was a whirlwind romance swept off my feet, married within a year expecting 14 months later then another two in two years. I lost everything job, friends, colleagues, even my sanity. I guess there have been times when I stayed through dependency, then through fear of loosing my kids ( which he has always said would happen if I left him) I do love him and occassionaly I appreciate what we have but if I am truly honest I feel if I was able to stand on my own two feet financially and had support with my kids I would give up. So Really at the moment I am getting no benefits at all, its a lonely, frustrating place. My eldest d22 moved out young to escape the conflict, my s13 stays in his room a lot and acts a lot like his dad, d12 idolises him and looks at me as the catalyst ( his manipulation and my past ignorance and inability to not allow him to upset me ) the only one is d10 who I have spoken too about his behaviour and is close and loving toward me. After the past few days I really wish Id walked away long ago and wish I could get out but I have no support, no money, my kids would hate me and he would make my life hell so here I am trying to get my strength back, study hard so I can earn money and get some self respect back.

What can I say, I don't think my answer is helpful for you although it has made me be honest with myself for once because the good certainly does not out weigh the bad and I am realising I can be happy within myself but it hurts like hell whats going on with my kids.

[cal644]

The other day I was asking myself that same question - what did I get out of it?  You know I couldn't think of anything that I took out of my 19 year marriage.  I could think of a ton of things I gave to my wife - faith, family, love, friends, new experiences, etc.  But I couldn't think of anything she provided besides giving me someone to take care of and look after.  It's kinda sad  :'(

[yeeter]

Hi shatra,

I've been pondering how to answer this.  There are things I do get out of th relationship, especially logistics and tactical. These have improved over the last 18months after having found this site (she is now doing more meal prep and other home making items)

My wife is a very dedicated and capable mother (interesting that I say this... .  And believe it... .  Even though I worry about how her personality affects them )

And it's easier to have help with the daily life grind stuff (she even does the taxes.  In part because she could never let go of the contol but I don't really care because I have no interest in picking up another item)

So all that is fine.  But.  As for emotional needs one would expect out of a relationship, it is pretty meager. In general I avoid being in situations with just me and her without a structured focal point (like kid stuff).  Too high a risk of saying something she doesn't agree with, which will then be debated into the ground.  Or I just get tired of listening to everything being funneled through her personal lens (high NPD, big ego, everything somehow relates back through her person)

I suppose it sounds bleak.  But I have accepted it for what it is.  And no longer resent it.

It wasn't obvious to me if it was better to post that there really isn't what there should be out of the relationship, or just let the silence speak for itself.  If I was advising someone considering continuing with such a relationship, I would advise 'don't'.  Or if you do, be sure to ground yourself, very clearly, on 'why' you are choosing to be in the relationship.

[Auspicious]

I usually don't think in those terms.

I love her and I married her. If I become seriously ill, I would hope she doesn't calculate what she is getting out of staying married to me.

That doesn't mean that I wouldn't separate (I have, twice) or divorce (almost did) if I had to - to protect myself or the kids. Just that I don't think about it in those terms very often.

[arabella]

The lack of positivity here sometimes frustrates me. Maybe I'm in a different situation because my dBPDh is very high functioning and self-reliant? I dunno. But here's what I get out of my marriage (when he isn't completely dysregulated): best friend; shared sense of humour; shared social interests; workout partner; financial support; encouragement; sous-chef (or maybe I'm his sous-chef?); someone to split chores with; bed buddy; intellectual stimulation; confidante; and someone who will support me in my pursuits. I'm sure I could think of more if I sat here awhile and thought about it!

Auspicious - I liked your answer/perspective too!

[yeeter]

The lack of positivity here sometimes frustrates me.

Me too arabella (and I mean my own lack of positivity about it).  Still work to do, to be sure.

[empathic]

That's a good question, worth thinking about. Especially this weekend for me, as my wife's on holiday with a friend. Eventhough it's a fair amount of work taking care of everything on my own, it is (sadly) preferrable to dealing with the daily drama. At least as things are right now.

Back to the question. What do I get out of our marriage. When she's not dysregulated, things can be very good.

She's my best friend. We're business partners. We can split up problems in a good way, and use our different strengths to solve them. Same with parenting.

But - it all depends on me walking on those eggshells. Even when things are at its best I think I could ruin it all if I told my honest opinion on something, at least if it's a loaded issue.

I agree that it is easy to be negative about these things. I think dealing with a pwBPD feels like dealing with two different people, and it's mostly the issues with the dysregulated version that make it here.

I know just writing this that I have to logically think about "what is she like when things are good" and "what is she like when she's dysregulated". I suppose that in a relationship with a non that separation would not be as clear.

[Rockylove]

The lack of positivity here sometimes frustrates me.

I haven't been the most positive person lately.  I'm exhausted and I know that I get grumpy and irritable when I'm tired.  I will say that I'm doing my best to remain as positive as I can under the circumstances and we've been getting along fine the past week (this is the longest he's been dysregulated around me and I've managed to dodge a couple of bullets recently that could have really been bad).

To answer the original question~~I'm marrying my BPDbf knowing full well what I'm getting into.  It won't be an easy road for me, but it hasn't been for him either.  I have to remind myself that he's hurting deeply and there isn't much I can do about that except show compassion.  

My fiance is intelligent, talented, funny, a wonderful companion (when he's not stressed) and so much more.  We share many interests and have some that are our own.  I'm frustrated with him at times, but he's frustrated with me too.  I don't pretend to know how he's feeling because I don't, but I certainly can validate that he feels that way.  Will he reciprocate?  On occasion.  Will he meet all of my needs and expectations?  Nope, but that's not his responsibility anyway~~it's mine.  He does fill many of my desires for a partner and that's the best that I can ask of any relationship.

[sad but wiser]

I simply meant it when I said, "I do."  I only separated when he was verbally and emotionally abusing my kids.  Turned out it had been worse and going on longer than I knew.  They had been afraid to tell me. :'(

[Rockylove]

I simply meant it when I said, "I do."  I only separated when he was verbally and emotionally abusing my kids.  Turned out it had been worse and going on longer than I knew.  They had been afraid to tell me. :'(

I'm really sorry to hear that, SBW~~but on the upside, they did tell you and you've made a break that hopefully will protect them from the constant barrage of abuse.  You all deserve better than that and I hope you find some comfort in knowing that your kiddos will not have to suffer any more.

[sad but wiser]

Thanks Rockylove.  We are doing better.  I didn't know the problem was BPD until several months after we broke up.  He looked for a lawyer, I looked for answers.  Turns out he has very classic BPD traits, though he is not diagnosed.  The kids are better, too.  It is far more peaceful around here.

[Rockylove]

Thanks Rockylove.  We are doing better.  I didn't know the problem was BPD until several months after we broke up.  He looked for a lawyer, I looked for answers.  Turns out he has very classic BPD traits, though he is not diagnosed.  The kids are better, too.  It is far more peaceful around here.

[mikewbpdwife]

Honestly that's the millon dollar question i have been asking myself until recently. I admit I was blinded by the love and all that romancing early on in the honeymoon days to overlook all her BPD traits. I have gotten into eerie moments when she could hear 'voices' and 'prophetic dream's and whatever things she came up with. I thought I am strong, I don't need a second opinon on my feelings or who should care about mine till finally, mom with cancer brought me down on earth. I'm getting sucked in by all her emotional needs till I got myself into a depressing mood. Luckily for this forum. I NOW CAN DEAL WITH IT.

[arabella]

Yeeter - you're spot on! We'll always have more work to do, that's what makes us human! It's hard, but I like to think that being with a pwBPD challenges me to not be lazy with myself. I'm trying to put a positive spin on it.

I haven't been the most positive person lately.  I'm exhausted and I know that I get grumpy and irritable when I'm tired.  I will say that I'm doing my best to remain as positive as I can under the circumstances and we've been getting along fine the past week (this is the longest he's been dysregulated around me and I've managed to dodge a couple of bullets recently that could have really been bad).

To answer the original question~~I'm marrying my BPDbf knowing full well what I'm getting into.  It won't be an easy road for me, but it hasn't been for him either.  I have to remind myself that he's hurting deeply and there isn't much I can do about that except show compassion.  

My fiance is intelligent, talented, funny, a wonderful companion (when he's not stressed) and so much more.  We share many interests and have some that are our own.  I'm frustrated with him at times, but he's frustrated with me too.  I don't pretend to know how he's feeling because I don't, but I certainly can validate that he feels that way.  Will he reciprocate?  On occasion.  Will he meet all of my needs and expectations?  Nope, but that's not his responsibility anyway~~it's mine.  He does fill many of my desires for a partner and that's the best that I can ask of any relationship.

Rockylove, I didn't mean to imply that there isn't a time to complain or to seek support or to vent our frustrations on here. I've read your posts and I don't think that you're a negative person at all! You have a good attitude - as evidenced by your post here.

The thing is that threads like this are an open invitation to see the positive in our relationships and to examine all of the good things about our pwBPD - but some of the comments seemed to be really twisting that around. I know (oh lord do I ever know) that our SOs can be, err, difficult, but that can't be the focus ALL of the time. You know? I'm struggling to keep my head above water sometimes and I just don't want to hear, especially on the 'Staying' board about how awful everyone with BPD is, or how hopeless it is, etc. I know those issues come up, but there are more and less appropriate threads for those feelings. (Obviously this is all just my personal opinion - others may disagree and that's okay too!)

[yeeter]

I'm with you Arabella,

And will take it ne step farther even, something I have been working on, is that we each have the responsibility to CREaTE some positive interactions with our partners.

I haven't been owning this as much as I should have.

[Rockylove]

Dang!  I just got all smiley and teary reading these posts.  What a wonderful place to have found for support when I'm down and a smack in the noggin when I'm being a toad   I really do love my life and although it's not perfect~~sometimes perfection is just not an option.

[Chosen]

Agree with what Auspicious and arabella said. 

I don't think it's helpful to weigh what we get out of marriage and what we give.  Although obviously when I give and give and H never seems to see (not to say appreciately) my giving sometimes it makes me all negative... .

However, between the dysregulations and things I just don't understand, he is my best friend, I know he loves me (albeit sometimes not in the way I prefer), he is a good companion and he motivates me to be a better person. 

In every relationship there's give or take... . if you're in a relationship with a pwBPD, dx or not, you have to be prepared to give more than taking... .

[crazymade]

i've thought about this a lot too. when i started realizing what was going on, and that the BPD was part of who he is, i accepted that is part of the package. my husband BPD and i  have known each other all of our lives. we have always loved each other and hated being apart. actually my MIL says that we've always argued, but God help you if you try to keep us apart.

what do i get from my marriage? someone who loves me more than anyone in the world. someone to whom i am their world. someone who will be faithful. adultery is not one of his  issues. i know there's more good i could say, it's just early on a monday morning and this topic caught my eyes.

my point is there is something that keeps us with them, and if we didn't love them we wouldn't be there. And i always tell my husband that if someone wants to be around only when the times are good, then you don't need them.

[briefcase]

I get quite a lot out of my marriage these days.  We enjoy each others company more than anytime since the "honeymoon" ended years ago.   In her own way, my wife is trying to make positive changes too - that helps a lot, to see her trying.

Part of this is accepting that we may never be fully "living the dream" in these relationships.  As long as what we are doing feels healthy for us, that's ok.

[atcrossroads]

But here's what I get out of my marriage (when he isn't completely dysregulated): best friend; shared sense of humour; shared social interests; workout partner; financial support; encouragement; sous-chef (or maybe I'm his sous-chef?); someone to split chores with; bed buddy; intellectual stimulation; confidante; and someone who will support me in my pursuits. I'm sure I could think of more if I sat here awhile and thought about it!

This thread has been very interesting.  Arabella, your description of your husband fits mine to a T, which is what made it so very, very excruciating for me to leave our marriage about 2 months ago (we were separated in the house since the fall), so we've been "apart" for about 6 months now.  We had many wonderful years together and even until last summer, things were good. 

However, my husband also brought much stress and strife to our lives -- though he responsibly held the same job for years, he's had frequent conflicts and breakdowns at work (I always worried he was on verge of being fired), he had a pot habit that ran us upwards of 60K during course of our marriage, the meanest/cruelest temper imaginable, a victim mentality, negative outlook on everything... . and finally, one of the straws that broke the camel's back ... . he had online affairs while he was out of work having a "breakdown" and blamed me for them (I wasn't supportive enough). 

From that point on, I was painted just as black as I'd seen him paint others throughout our marriage (I've seen him completely excise family/friends from his life for perceived slights).  It finally happened to me.  Everything was my fault.  After several months of being totally split, I knew there was no going back to the good (and there WAS good). 

Separating has been the most difficult decision I've ever made, and I suspect if I had kids my decision would be different.  But I know it is right for me.  Each of us has to examine our own situation, and although we all have BPD partners, our individual experiences vary widely.  I think it's important to remember that and not judge one another.  We are here for support, of course.

I wonder if I will always grieve the "good" in him and wonder too if I will ever find anyone like him (the good).  The good was amazing, but the bad was hell.  We just weren't able to keep it together, but I wish others all the best. 

[arabella]

This thread has been very interesting.  Arabella, your description of your husband fits mine to a T, which is what made it so very, very excruciating for me to leave our marriage about 2 months ago (we were separated in the house since the fall), so we've been "apart" for about 6 months now.  We had many wonderful years together and even until last summer, things were good. 

However, my husband also brought much stress and strife to our lives -- though he responsibly held the same job for years, he's had frequent conflicts and breakdowns at work (I always worried he was on verge of being fired), he had a pot habit that ran us upwards of 60K during course of our marriage, the meanest/cruelest temper imaginable, a victim mentality, negative outlook on everything... . and finally, one of the straws that broke the camel's back ... . he had online affairs while he was out of work having a "breakdown" and blamed me for them (I wasn't supportive enough). 

From that point on, I was painted just as black as I'd seen him paint others throughout our marriage (I've seen him completely excise family/friends from his life for perceived slights).  It finally happened to me.  Everything was my fault.  After several months of being totally split, I knew there was no going back to the good (and there WAS good). 

I'm so sorry to hear that, atcrossroads. I'm at my own crossroad right now. I've had the wonderful things, but the dysregulation has kicked in and I'm watching it all fall apart. So I hear where you're coming from. 

I haven't had the experiences with the extra strife and stress, until now, so it's hard to shift my perspective now that he's suddenly dissociated. It's a whole new world of awful. I keep searching for the guy I described above - sometimes I find him, most of the time he's lost to me right now.  :'(