Were you close to your Ex Borderline's family?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I felt like my Ex Boyfriend (undiagnosed) wanted me to spend time with his family and expressed how much they liked me.  However, it did feel that during bigger events with more people, he might of used me as a buffer from his social anxiety around his family/family friends. We used to go out a lot with his Mom and her husband (not his Dad), he was close with his Mom.

[Findingmysong723]

I felt like my Ex Boyfriend (undiagnosed) wanted me to spend time with his family and expressed how much they liked me.  However, it did feel that during bigger events with more people, he might of used me as a buffer from his social anxiety around his family/family friends. We used to go out a lot with his Mom and her husband (not his Dad), he was close with his Mom.

[j4c]

My ex's family made no effort whatsoever to get to know me. Why would they? They all knew 6 months down the line I'd be replaced by someone else.

[sunrising]

Why would they? They all knew 6 months down the line I'd be replaced by someone else.

Ouch... .    Same here... .   A lifelong friend of mine was talking to my ExwBPD's father not long after we started dating (they used to work together).  My friend asked my ex's dad if he liked me.  His answer: "Yea, we really like sunrising, but we try not to get too attached to any of her boyfriends".   My friend told me about the conversation and I didn't think much of it at the time.  Looking back:  

[GustheDog]

I liked her parents a lot and they liked me very much too.  We exchanged cards/gifts on holidays, they gave me a graduation gift, her dad and I would "hang out" man-style sometimes and have a beer - he even arranged a luncheon one time to introduce me to one of his lawyer friends to help me network in my field.

They were very good to me.  I'm actually sad they're not part of my life anymore.

[sad but wiser]

Yes.  My sister-in-law is a real peach and I miss her.  At Christmas it was kind of "chilly" when I dropped the kids off at their house for the day.  They talked to me, and my brother-in-law hugged me hello, but it felt very uncomfortable.  I understand from our kids that my ex has been running a smear campaign with his family.  They are also probably worried that they will end up having to take care of him now that we have split up.  Everyone used to come to our house a few times a year - Christmas, birthdays, a summer BBQ.  I enjoy hostessing and I will miss it.

[Findingmysong723]

Yea, I got close with my Ex's niece and nephew, they used to ask after me when I didn't come over with him most times. I'll miss seeing them. I liked his family, but there was a part of me that knew I would never get too close because things were always unsteady with my ex boyfriend. His Mom was upset the first time we broke up, she kept asking about me... or at least that's what my ex told me since we kept in contact during our "breakup." However, I'm not naive in the sense to think that his Mom might of liked me but I think she felt safer with her son have a girlfriend that was nice and wasn't a bad influence on him. My Ex was a recovery alcoholic and drug addict, he had relapsed 6 months before I met him and was working on his sobriety when I met him (only talk therapy and AA). At the end of the relationship he seemed to open up about the self harm he had done in the past, I had noticed the old marks early on but I assumed he would tell me when he was ready. I actually wish I could talk to his Mom, but at the same time not sure if she would feel right talking to me about the problems in the relationship... .  I mean he is a her baby. Also, as much as I like both his parents, I know some of the abuse that went on in the past, so it's a weird feeling. His Dad was abusive to his Mom when my Ex was little. Example I like his Dad now but hate the man he was when he hurt his family and helped to make my Ex the way he is today!

[atcrossroads]

Well, I think his mom is BPD (w/NPD traits) and his dad was a distant and harsh man who was an alcoholic.  He's been sober since I've known him, but he apparently used to be pretty mean before he mellowed with age and quit the drinking.  He has a love/hate relationship with his parents and is not at all close with his only sibling - they don't talk and only see each other at holidays if then. I don't particularly care for his parents and never felt terribly close to them throughout our 10+ years together though we did all the obligatory family visits (mainly for holidays - they live several hours away), etc. 

I can't help it but blame them for being largely responsible for the way my husband is.  He wasn't abused per se, but he was raised in a dysfunctional home with a mom who was and is all about herself and a father who he wasn't close to.  It messed him up.

[expos]

I was close to her family.  I had spent countless nights at her parents house while we were married - all the major holidays.  Did the dishes after meals, did housework with her mom, and was grateful for every meal they put in front of us.  We got along great.

Due to my connections, I took her Dad to several press boxes at major sport venues.  We had played basketball together, and I gave him rare sports memorabilia that only the teams received.  I was told that I was the only guy she brought home that he actually liked. 

Her brother hugged me at our wedding and told me that he loved me and was so happy that his sister had found me.

It makes me sad to think about the failure of our relationship.  I felt like I let them down.  I have not seen them since a few months prior to our official break up.  Her brother then de-friended me on Facebook after the divorce.       

My parents and brother hated my wife after the first year of marriage, they saw through her really quick.

[GreenMango]

Very close.  It provided quite a bit of explanation why things were they were.  It made it hard to be angry at someone who never learned any better.

[mtmc01]

I was close with mine's mother and father at first, but her mother turned out to be even crazier than she was... .  very clearly the root of a lot of her issues. Her father liked me a lot until she starting painting me black at the end and planned her "escape".

[Inside]

In a way, I ultimately liked my udBPDgf’s family better than her.  At least with them, our relationship grew.  Her mother’s sweet, and I did lots of chores for her.  Her oldest son was a kick; in fact, she seemed to keep us apart because we hit it off so well.  Her youngest son’s messed up, likely due to his mother playing a far more active role in his life than his brother's.  

I got along well with her two brothers, though political opposites of me.  After one ‘breakup,’ one of them commented, “Darn, I liked that one.”  I’m surprised she told me that, as it led me to realize - this had happened before…

What remains weird were the strange reactions I got from two of her closest girl friends.  They’d be polite, but had fearful looks in their eyes, as if they felt they should warn me about something.  Wish they had!

[mtmc01]

Also, when we insanely got engaged less than a month after meeting, her sister said something to her like "does he know how ~ed up you are?" If only I'd listened... .  

[Findingmysong723]

atcrossroads,

Sounds like our Ex's had to deal with similar fathers, as in both being alcoholics. Just like you I never knew his Dad when he was drinking. It's sad though, that no matter how much someone can change, they can't get rid of the scars from the people they've hurt, mostly their family! Both my Ex and his other sibling had issues with alcohol and drugs and are haven't head the easiest lives because of it.

My Ex has no patience, angers easily, impulsive, these are the traits you could give his Dad when he was growing up. My Ex Boyfriend would say things like, "well he's a nice old guy now, but you should of seen him, he's a was a mean &*&(**. So, there is definitely animosity toward his Dad, which I understand! Sometimes, I would think my Ex might of been jealous of my relationship with my Dad, because my Dad's a really great guy who makes sure that my brother and I know he loves us. I wish that my Ex's Dad would of been like that, I wish he wouldn't of hurt his family the way he did! My Ex told me about the abuse but didn't go into detail really, I can't imagine what it was like for a little kid... .  but as much as I understand why he's the way he was it was a tough relationship... especially at the end! I think his family are really friendly and nice, I always felt like they welcomed me etc, but underneath they've had hard lives that you can see the scars if you look in the right places.

I remember one of my Ex's family members told me something like "take good care of him," or something like that. Unfortunately, didn't know exactly how hard it would be... .  because in the end nothing I could do would make him better!

[BlushAndBashful]

We were together (intermittently) for over 7 years and were married briefly. Except for at the very beginning, I wasn't allowed near his family AT ALL. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Not one single holiday meal.  I didn't realize that he had started a smear campaign a couple months into our r/s... .  I just knew that for the first couple months, his family was civil and almost pleasant. After the first breakup, they turned on me and were vicious. They were absolute b1tches to me, although he swore up and down he was trying to tell them what a wonderful woman I was. 

He did everything he could to keep me away from them. Any time I busted his boundaries (which he swore weren't there) and tried to reach out to them, he kicked me to the curb.  Most of our breakups came just a week or two before any major family event I was supposed to attend. 

[letmeout]

Did that one hit home! My ex did a massive smear campaign on me with his family. At first they were actually mad that I stopped being his care taker. Since they have had to deal with his issues more and more, they realize what I went through and don't blame me for getting away from him. The truth always comes out in the end.

I understand from our kids that my ex has been running a smear campaign with his family.  They are also probably worried that they will end up having to take care of him now that we have split up. 

[Gimme Peace]

He wasn't close to this family and he did everything he could to keep me from being close to them. I'm from a big, close family (in another state) and thought it was natural for me to get to know his family after we got married. I found that I would have to move mountains to have family gatherings at our home or to attend family gatherings at his family's houses. It was only a few times a year and he was very very anxious prior to the events. He said all he could think about what "what could go wrong", it was never something he looked forward to. After we separated, of course he ramped up the communication with them. But then when we got back together, he ceased communication again and told me that he didn't trust me to talk to them. It's a major fear of his and part of the compartmentalization of his life. He doesn't really want anyone to know him, even his family. The last thing he wants is a "close" family.

[trevjim]

Heres a big read flag i missed... .

kNew her mums side, they where all nice etc, yet they all hated her dad, she didnt speak to him and everyone only said bad things about him.

she eventually started talking to her dad again towards the end of the break up, the impression I got from them was that he and his new wife where lovely and didnt understand why My ex had said bad things about them.

and then we split and I went round one day to try and find out whats going on with me and my ex as it was all a bit of a mess and no one was being straight with me, the dad basicly told me and the time and money he had invested in my ex and that her mum and her gran where just the same as my ex in the way they treat men and lie etc.

my ex had basicly split her dad black and you could say that her and her mums side where the 'bad' ones.

Now niether side of the family speak to me, Im guessing my ex ran a smear campaign against me to make her new boyfriend seem better.

[id-crisis]

We were together (intermittently) for over 7 years and were married briefly. Except for at the very beginning, I wasn't allowed near his family AT ALL. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Not one single holiday meal.  I didn't realize that he had started a smear campaign a couple months into our r/s... .  I just knew that for the first couple months, his family was civil and almost pleasant. After the first breakup, they turned on me and were vicious. They were absolute b1tches to me, although he swore up and down he was trying to tell them what a wonderful woman I was. 

He did everything he could to keep me away from them. Any time I busted his boundaries (which he swore weren't there) and tried to reach out to them, he kicked me to the curb.  Most of our breakups came just a week or two before any major family event I was supposed to attend. 

My experience was very similar to yours, and yet it was very important to him that my grown children and family members thought the world of him. I never discussed my relationship problems & his behaviour with any of my family members as I'd have felt disloyal and also I didn't want to complicate matters. All the while he was painting me black to EVERYBODY  :'(  though as with you - he was trying to convince me how well he spoke of me ... . hmmm, "he doth (did) protest too much", springs to mind.   

[free and happy]

I got very close to my ex BPD wife's family. Love them very much. At the same time her sister and brother in law would often ask me how I do not get angry with her behavior towards me. I would just answer that I know that an angry response would only make things worse. I do miss my interactions with the interactions with them. Also I know that they are aware of issues with her and they often tell me how they and their parents are drained and depressed after every visit by her. So they have been unknowing victims of her BPD dramas all this time as well. I hope the best for them and hope to one day visit and communicate with them again, but not with the ex present.

[jdcthunder14]

My ex's family made no effort whatsoever to get to know me. Why would they? They all knew 6 months down the line I'd be replaced by someone else.

Mine was just the opposite. The family did everything they could to try and keep me around so I wouldn't run from their very sick daughter. They had been dealing with her non-sense for 34 years and were more than ready to drop her into someone elses lap.

[lostkitten]

I was extremely close with his family. To the point, his mother and I had dinner a few months after the split, and she expressed her disappointment in him. His cousins have all reached out, every single one of them, as has his Aunt - who I was always very close with, and who has had my back through this. They're all upset, and tell me so, but as far as I know, havent said anything to him.

[sad but wiser]

lostkitten - Be careful!  Your ex has access to these people you love and many with BPD will go on a smear campaign as a self-defense mechanism.

[lostkitten]

lostkitten - Be careful!  Your ex has access to these people you love and many with BPD will go on a smear campaign as a self-defense mechanism.

I know hes capable of that - however, his track record speaks for itself. He walked out of a 6 year relationship abruptly, and it was blamed on youth and immaturity. When everything went down with us, his family reached out to me (His mother and I spoke regularly before this) because he wasnt talking to anyone - and still hasnt. So, any "reasons" theyve gotten, they have gotten from me. I've made sure not to slander him and accept faults, and generally be a class act in my communication with them, so even though they're his family - I feel like they understand him enough to see that it was HIS issues that caused this.

[Findingmysong723]

I think about bumping into my Ex's Mom sometimes, hoping to talk to her and maybe get some more insight into his issues. I know she knows her son has problems, but not sure what she would say to me. We never got that close, we only hung out when my Ex (undiagnosed Borderline) was around and since things were always so up and down I never felt like I could get any closer even if I wanted to. I would also like to talk to one of his friends that I got along well with, my Ex and I hung out with her and her husband a bunch of times. She wanted to hang out with just me but I wasn't sure it would be a good idea since things were always so up and down with my Ex. She had asked me to hang out one day, but I was spending that day with my Ex so couldn't hang out with her. I kinda regret hanging out with her, I have this feeling we would of talked about my Ex's issues and I could of had another perspective. She knew a lot about his anxiety issues and his relapse etc, she was kinda like a sister to him. I wouldn't contact her, but if I would bump into her I would want to talk to her.

However, sad but wiser I agree with you that reaching out to them could make issues with my Ex, so I would only talk if they came to me. Also, I would be truthful but I wouldn't bash him either. During this whole breakup, I've vented to a lot of people, but I've never made my Ex seem like a monster.

[atcrossroads]

Am I the only one that saw the foundation for the BPD problems in the first place with their significant others' families?  

I know there is thought to be a nature and nurture component to BPD, but doesn't it often run in families?  My husband's dad was a mean alcoholic/workaholic, very distant from his kids, was suspected to have had affairs.  Husband's mom, on the other hand, was smothering to the point where I think it would be termed emotional incest (with my husband/not the other sibling).  She is an incessant talker and all conversation is about her (very narcissistic, could be BPD),  she is manipulative, and she grew up in an poor and violently alcoholic home.  I don't blame her - suppose she was doing her best - but it's hard not to see his FOO as contributing to his issues.

I have dealt with a great deal of anger towards them over the years - they were always sugary to me on the surface, but there were always motives just below the surface and a fakeness to it.  

Yes, I admit.  I'm still angry about it.  That's not too healthy, I know.  I need to let it go.  But, yes, he was molded by his parents, so no, I don't feel close to them or even like them.  

It felt good to vent that even though I need to LET GO of it.  

[sad but wiser]

Very good, lostkitten.  Classy is best. Always.

[Mightyhammers]

Im actually gutted I didn’t get to meet her family, she always talked about her 3 nieces ( she never knew she could love anyone as much as those 3 children, she always told me ), and is always showing me pictures of them and posting them on FB. Her sister is also getting married towards the end of the year and she is head bridesmaid, I would have loved to have gone but I think that’s pretty much off the radar now. I have no idea if her family have clocked whats up with her, but she is forever falling out with her mum and sister

[sad but wiser]

This sounds very familiar!  When I first met my ex, he introduced me to his mom and his brother, but we didn't seem to spend very much time together.  I met a few cousins, an aunt and an uncle at our wedding.  Then, there was no real contact with his family for a long, long time.  Only recently, one of his relatives has told me some revealing info about his childhood.  It was as if he was doing damage control by limiting the amount of contact with anyone who could send up a red flag.  After we had been married 10 years, he suddenly had a lot of contact with his brother, and that is when I got to know my sister in law.