Feeling more in control.

[mango_flower]

So as we all know (!) for the last few months I have been crying lots because she seems so happy now with her new gf, her life is brilliant, she seems to land on her feet every time!

Whilst I have been fretting about how to pay bills, working out how I can afford to get out of this lease, panicking about selling stuff like furniture... .

Today she emailed to a) ask if I had changed my phone number as she keeps getting my voicemail  (ermmmm... . ) (and I have NO idea why she is calling, surely she can send me an email if she has anything to say!)

b) Ask how my sporting match went on the weekend (she used to play in my team)

c) Moan about her new job, how stressed she is, how she feels out of her depth.

I thought I'd be happy that things aren't all blissful (even though they are seemingly hunky dorey with her new gf).  But I'm not happy at all.  I realised that I still adore her, and even though we're through and I'd never go back, even if she had a change of heart, it still hurts me when she is sad.

But it DID remind me that I am so much better off without her constant little dramas, her moaning about work, things going wrong in her day that I'd have to reassure her about... .

That's somebody else's job now.

Except she is still emailing me.

So what did I do?  Same as old times - I reassured her she was awesome at her job, yadda yadda.

And you know what... . I felt ok with that.

It gave me some semblance of control... . and it didn't hurt one bit.  It felt good to genuinely be a nice person and reassure her.  I finished the conversation feeling happy that I'd made her a bit happier.  And she finished the conversation knowing she still has a friend in me.  Even though I have firm boundaries (e.g. won't speak to her on the phone, haven't seen her in person).

I would never have thought this a month ago.

It felt good she still wants me in her life (even if just to moan to!).  I do miss her, as a person.  I really do.  It feels different now.  Ok so it's not like I'd ever go to their wedding... . but even if she gets in touch to "use" me, to seek reassurance - well, it makes me feel good. 

I'm sure that's wrong, but hey.  I'm ok with things today. 

[clairedair]

I finished the conversation feeling happy that I'd made her a bit happier. 

Does your happiness still depend on her being happy?

It felt good she still wants me in her life (even if just to moan to!). 

... . but even if she gets in touch to "use" me, to seek reassurance - well, it makes me feel good. 

Why does it make you feel good for someone to only want you to moan to, to "use" or to provide reassurance (especially when you say that it's someone else's responsibility now)?

I'm ok with things today. 

Good to hear that you feel this way.  Hopefully, you have more days when you feel OK and then even more days when you feel great.

It's so annoying that they can be so adorable to us!  My new T described my ex as a "passionate toddler" - I agreed.  It was like when my kids were wee and I had those great times when they were just so adorable and loved me so much... . followed by the tantrums.

[mango_flower]

Hi Claire!  Good food for thought

1.  My happiness doesn't depend on her happiness so much now (thank goodness!) - I had a fine day doing my own thing.  Hurrah for once!  But it still made me feel good.

2. I'm not sure of the answer to this one haha - I guess it's because it went from 100 to zero in no time, makes me feel like I have a semblance of control back. It's nice that the responsibility to make her happier wasn't mine - I could just do my bit and go on with my day.

3.  Yes, exactly like a toddler!  If I accept that I can't rely on her, and I have my other friends for that, then it seems somewhat ok as long as I have the emotional energy to give a little... . and I did today.  Which felt good.

Thank you loads - I hope I continue having more good days too! xxx