Should I own up?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hey,

when my ex girlfriend left me, it felt as if she had no respect to me at all, and as if she was lying to me, and generally nothing made sense. I have broken into her messages, confirming my doubts (in fact, the situation was much worse than I thought).

She is in contact with one of my friends (another sign of disrespect, I told her not to do this). I have shared some information with this friend, and he passed it to her (fortunately he did not tell her that I suspect BPD... . but apparently he believes her manipulations). So she now suspects that I have been reading her messages (and she is very scared that in fact I might have sent spies at her), and wants me to admit this. If she was able to take responsibility, I would own up, but on the other hand, I would not do anything that disrespectful in the first place.

She says that she understands that I might have done that, and that she would accept the answer whatever it is, but I do not trust her and I think there is no point in explaining all this to her, and I don't want to give her more reasons to paint me black, so I have simply answered that I believe that revealing the source of my information won't do any good to anyone, and I can only promise that I am not going to do any spying anymore (with all the support and empathy). She answered with "if you have read my messages, you already know how awful I am, so why admitting won't do any good to me?"

Do you think this was the right choice? BTW is there any way to tell her not to contact my friends?

[AlbertS]

Hey,

when my ex girlfriend left me, it felt as if she had no respect to me at all, and as if she was lying to me, and generally nothing made sense. I have broken into her messages, confirming my doubts (in fact, the situation was much worse than I thought).

She is in contact with one of my friends (another sign of disrespect, I told her not to do this). I have shared some information with this friend, and he passed it to her (fortunately he did not tell her that I suspect BPD... . but apparently he believes her manipulations). So she now suspects that I have been reading her messages (and she is very scared that in fact I might have sent spies at her), and wants me to admit this. If she was able to take responsibility, I would own up, but on the other hand, I would not do anything that disrespectful in the first place.

She says that she understands that I might have done that, and that she would accept the answer whatever it is, but I do not trust her and I think there is no point in explaining all this to her, and I don't want to give her more reasons to paint me black, so I have simply answered that I believe that revealing the source of my information won't do any good to anyone, and I can only promise that I am not going to do any spying anymore (with all the support and empathy). She answered with "if you have read my messages, you already know how awful I am, so why admitting won't do any good to me?"

Do you think this was the right choice? BTW is there any way to tell her not to contact my friends?

[laelle]

If you decide to... Try something like.  Yes, I did get in your email, It was wrong.  I can understand how it made you feel, and it was not respectful to the relationship to invade your privacy.  It will not happen again.  Let her tell you how she feels about it,  and validate that you hear her and you agree that she is upset, angry, whatever.  However, do not JADE here, it will only escalate her anger.

Regardless of her actions, that you cant control, you can control yours.  Reading other peoples emails even if you are trying to validate a suspicion is wrong.  Im am not saying you cant do it or I think you are horrible because you did, but cause and effect rules always apply even if you feel justified in doing so.

If you dont mind, I would really like it if you did not contact my friends to try and get information from them.  I understand that you are curious about certain issues, but I ask that you come to me if you want those answers.  I am always here for you.  You cant give her too much grief about it because you just did basically the same thing.

[tuum est61]

Al,

How exactly did you "break into her messages?" 

What did you see there that confirmed "it was much worse than you thought.?"

[coasterhusband]

I hope what I'm about to say doesn't come across as uncaring... . it's really quite the opposite.

If she's your ex, you're out. Celebrate that you've escaped what can only be described as a horrible situation and enjoy that. You're clinging to something that IS over for some reasons of your own making.

Whether she's talking to your friend or not, push her (and anything/anyone that connects you to her) as far away as possible. If you lose a friend because that friend can't respect your situation and/or your requests, then you didn't really have much of a friend in the first place.

IMHO: You don't need to "own up" to anything because you shouldn't be talking to or interacting with her in the first place.

I once went through something similar, or at least I felt similar to what I think you're feeling. Cut ties. Move on. Get away. Fast. I promise you that you'll feel and BE better for it.

Go. Now.

Good luck.

[laelle]

Sorry AlbertS,

I assumed as you were in the staying or leaving board that you were still "in" the relationship and trying to make it better.

If she is an ex, what coasterhusband says   

[AlbertS]

> How exactly did you "break into her messages?" 

She gave me her password while she was still idealizing me.

> What did you see there that confirmed "it was much worse than you thought.?"

It seemed that she has been talking about me with her friend Ken (who was once our mutual online friend, and I thought that we wanted to surprise him that we are in fact more than online friends), and that she has left me for someone else. In fact, she has been telling Ken bad things, projections, and private details about me for a long time, how wonderful her new boyfriend is compared to me, and that she would like to cheat on him with my friend. I don't know why Ken still chooses to believe her... . he is studying psychology so I think he has heard about BPD, and I think his ex was a borderline too.

I am interacting with her only about this issue, and to let her know that I think she should change for her own good, and to make sure that she does not want to change.

[coasterhusband]

I am interacting with her only about this issue, and to let her know that I think she should change for her own good, and to make sure that she does not want to change.

Then stop. Just stop. Cut it off. She's (apparently) moved on. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING good will come of continuing to interact with her. You're spun up and upset about something she's already moved on from.

Trust me, many of us have been there: you get caught in a cycle of chasing something/someone/some issue and it's hard to just release. But the healthiest, most happy-making thing you can do is forget it. Drop it. Move on.

Good luck.