Controlled Contact - Would Love To Hear From People Who This Has Worked For

[onehoonose]

Hello,

I would really love to hear from people who are able to make controlled contact work for them. Long story short it is my belief that DH's father and sister suffer from uBPD with Narcissist leanings. My FIL is 87 years old and between him and my SIL their antics drive us crazy... . basically a lot of bad behavior and control tactics that I see in so many posts on here. My MIL is very co-dependent/self-centered (if that makes sense). She isn't exactly the game player the other two are but just floats along and lives in her own little world and treats my husband like he is still 17 (he is 47).

We've been no contact with his mother and father for 4 mos now and with his sister a lot longer. At this point we have no interest in being in contact with his sister and her family, but DH will at some point try to make contact with his parents. I was wondering if anyone had thoughts or techniques that worked well for them. I understand each situation is different but I am looking for inspiration I guess. It IS comforting to know how many others are going through this too (though I wouldn't wish it on anyone).


Thanks in advance for any thoughts anyone cares to share!

[Pilate]

 

I'm not sure what the definition is for controlled contact. However, I can share what my experience is. In my case, I have a SIL who is uBPD and an MIL who has many narcissistic qualities and is very self centered.

Over time, my dh and I have changed patterns of behavior with his family. With his sister, we have very low contact.

With his mom, one boundary we have worked to create is that when people want to visit us, they have to let us know when they would like to come for a visit, so we can check to see if the visit works with our schedules. What this has done for us is dh's mom does not like to ask if it's okay to come for a visit, so she either gets a hotel room and tells us she will be at a hotel on certain dates if we want to see her, or she finds friends/family in our area and stays with them and then tells us she is visiting with so-and-so in case we want to see her.

This is a bit weird and uncomfortable because it makes us seem like mean or unaccommodating people. But my therapist keeps reminding me, this is her choice, and all she has to do is call or send an email saying, "Would it be okay to come and stay with you on X dates?" and she is refusing to do this since we started telling her we didn't like getting a call in the morning saying she would be arriving that evening to stay with us for X-amount of days.

Another boundary we have is we want our children to see family members at their best, so we do not do holidays at dh's MIL or uBPDsil's houses because these have a long-standing pattern (decades) of triggered/disordered behavior. Other family events or family hosts we go to because they do not seem to act out in other locations.

I have to say that therapy has been necessary for working on being okay with the types of contact/boundaries we have with these family members. CC often feels just as bad as the enmeshed, narcissistic, and uBPD behaviors, but my therapist says that these feelings are normal. What we are being called on to do when dealing with people with these behaviors is not usual, but we are maintaining a relationship even though it's limited. And, we cannot give MIL or uBPDSIL the relationship that they want because it's so dysfunctional and unhealthy for us, so we accept the discomfort of doing what is healthier for our marriage and our family.

I hope this helps!

Pilate

[XL]

I call my BPD mom on Wednesday and Sunday, for 20 minutes. I try to keep things cheerful, and honestly the conversations are superficial.  I've recognized that if I do it on my schedule it keeps her off my back.

I have a mental list of topics I won't discuss with her: my health, my relationship, etc. I try to force novel topics (other friend's vacations, pets, art, etc.) I feel like a fraud, but I recognize she's never going to be the mother who can give life advice. I'm not going to have a mom who can sit over a cup of coffee and sympathize with my life struggles.

I'm having a very hard time with controlled contact at holidays. The more boundaries I set, the more the family enablers push in the opposite direction. If I try to spend 3 days at Christmas, they'll schedule 9.  

[Clearmind]

Controlled contact is contact controlled by you/at your pace with boundaries/limitations (to protect you).

onehoonose, yes I have controlled contact with my BPD father – this also came after a period of no contact. Controlled contact is contact with firm boundaries – it’s about us being consistent on how we wish to protect ourselves and knowing without doubt what we are in fact protecting.

Importantly, it’s also learning that we need not take accusations/blame personally – where we do – this says more about our coping skills than the behavior of the BPD.

You and hubby are adults – you call the shots. One issue I had with my father was his incessant calls for help. I set some firm boundaries for myself:

1.   If he calls, I ask myself, “Is this a good time for me. Do I feel equipped to maintain my boundaries (if need be)” – if the answer is no – I don’t answer. If he keeps calling – I don’t answer.

2.   I call back when it’s a good time for me

3.   I don’t respond to mean texts. He doesn’t do this any longer

I don’t visit him at his house – he drinks a lot! I don’t wish to be around it – because it’s a trigger for me.

I keep conversations with Dad light hearted, humor filled and superficial. I know my fathers limitations, I know the limitations of our relationship – however I love him dearly for who he is.

We can often feel guilt for setting boundaries - this can be worked through.

Does this make sense?

[onehoonose]

Thank you all for sharing your experiences. It does help to see that some people are able to make it work even if it isn't ideal. I have no idea what to expect from his family. Basically they know we aren't going to play along with their phony act. I don't think they have ever been confronted with that before so it's hard to say how this will all play out.

It's so strange trying to come to terms with their suspected BPD. It seems like things that are black are really white and things that were upside down are really right side up. I am no stranger to dysfunctional behavior. I came from an alcoholic family. Our problems were so obvious. With DH's family though this is all new to me (been married 4 years, dated for 2). In just the last year, the masks came off and I got to see them for who they really are. I feel foolish and embarrassed. Usually I am a halfway decent at reading people but this blindsided me. I knew his folks were quirky but I never suspected anything like this. It's been quite a learning experience. It's comforting to know I guess that they aren't uniquely flawed but that others have gone through these behaviors too.

[onehoonose]

@Pilates yes I can completely relate that no matter what you do it doesn't feel great. It is a comfort to see everyone's stories on these boards. Dealing with those affected by BPD has such a surreal feel doesn't it? I have spent a good deal of time wondering if I am the one with the issues. The validation from reading some of the posts helps me. It sounds like you are doing the best you can and what works for you. I completely respect that.

[nomom4me]

I've been in phone-only contact with my mother and sister for the past two years.  It has not been easy.

My mom has a decade+ history of sending long, crazy-making emails and letters.  During a job search I made a "no email" boundary and it has pushed and pushed, now she sends facebook requests and works facebook into every conversation.

I had a honeymoon period with my mom and the email boundary where I would change the topic when she brought up email and arrange play-dates with her as I would with a toddler. A year into the email boundary I became ill and I told her I was too sick to visit her, she has made no effort to make any plans with me by phone since.  1year+ after I made the email boundary she became obsessed with working email or facebook into every conversation.  She calls a couple times a year to dangle some carrot that I can't have if I'm not willing to act as her internet whipping post.  If she can't use me at her beck and call, or manipulate me by holding something over my head my mother cannot relate to me. 

I don't know if this is true with all BPD's, but the best way I found to get her to respect boundaries is by distracting her. The "play-dates" were the only times I didn't feel like I was under attack. If I ask her not to do something, she will go out of her way to do it.  She has no respect for my health-related boundaries and tries to make me feel bad about "missing out".  My email boundary with her has impacted my relationship with siblings and cousins, because she refuses to shut up about how I "cut her off".   She sets up online scavenger hunts where I can't be included in family events if I don't read her emails or ad her on facebook.  She demands my address in suspicious, "oh by that way, I just NEED TO MAIL YOU a card" and she has ignored my birthdays as I have not provided her with a mailing address. She pushed so hard with the email boundary that I don't feel comfortable giving her a mailing address.  Obviously I don't want to be facebook friends with her, friends don't push boundaries - she's obsessed with facebook and I see it as potentially worse than email because she will involve even more people and my entire work network is on my facebook account.

I regret not being more firm with the email boundary, I initially had her emails filtered to another account and hoped to "wean" her off but she has created "needs" and has escalated situations that could have been addressed by phone.  It got to the point where she was emailing every couple weeks, and only called to see if I "got the emails".  It was about 20 emails to 1 call, so I set her account to auto reply over a year ago, since then she hacked into a relatives email account after asking this relative to email me on her behalf and I had to block my sister on facebook because she was triangulating and behaving like my mothers puppet.  I use facebook and email for work, they both know that I need to protect my work network but they continue to concoct situations where I miss out because I made a boundary.  I'm no longer included in family events and have been badmouthed to every relative my mother speaks to.  I feel less guilt as I get distance from the situation, it is better now than it is a year ago because I just make other plans for holidays now. 

I had hoped that we could have family contact and maintain boundaries but my mother has pushed every boundary I have made with her.  She has made my boyfriend very uncomfortable and seems to do so on purpose, I asked her to avoid a certain topic with him and she went out of her way to bring it up.  I made boundaries with the hopes of having less drama around holidays, but no one can take the drama away from my mamma. Boundaries won't make them behave, but they do  protect you from getting hurt the same way over and over.

[TheRightPond]

Controlled contact is contact controlled by you/at your pace with boundaries/limitations (to protect you).

onehoonose, yes I have controlled contact with my BPD father – this also came after a period of no contact. Controlled contact is contact with firm boundaries – it’s about us being consistent on how we wish to protect ourselves and knowing without doubt what we are in fact protecting.

Why did you choose to re-establish contact?

I've read this thread in its entirety and no one sounds excited by or even interested in the described interactions. Why do y'all choose to maintain these relationships?

[onehoonose]

The Right Pond,

I am curious ;>. Do you have an NC relationship with anyone? If so, are they close relatives, an ex-spouse, an ex-best friend? NC is not for the weak LOL. In fact Murray Bowen, a well known family psychiatrist in his theory about relationships recommends that you don't go no contact because you just end up thinking about those people even more believe it or not. I can vouch for that. My husband had a really toxic friendship with a couple he went to college with. We broke ties because they were just way too disrespectful to tolerate. It may have been the right decision but it took years to get to the point where we didn't think about them much (they live a few blocks away).

Maybe had we known more about BPD we could have found a way to make LC work. The important thing, I believe, is for people to try to see what works best for them. Unless you can pick up and move across the country from BPDs no matter what you do it's a challenge. Sometimes even then... .

[Clearmind]

The Right Pond - I choose to because I choose to is the only answer I can give.

As adults were are full of choices - I came from a dysfunctional household - Yes! It has left its legacy - Yes! What I don't choose for myself is to continue to think the way I was raised. I have radically accepted who my father is and who he isn't. I accept him in his entirety. I have good boundaries to protect me.

My father is a wonderful person - who has limitations - I know where I stand.

NC does not help us heal it simply avoids.

The Right Pond,

I am curious ;>. Do you have an NC relationship with anyone? If so, are they close relatives, an ex-spouse, an ex-best friend? NC is not for the weak LOL. In fact Murray Bowen, a well known family psychiatrist in his theory about relationships recommends that you don't go no contact because you just end up thinking about those people even more believe it or not. I can vouch for that. My husband had a really toxic friendship with a couple he went to college with. We broke ties because they were just way too disrespectful to tolerate. It may have been the right decision but it took years to get to the point where we didn't think about them much (they live a few blocks away).

Maybe had we known more about BPD we could have found a way to make LC work. The important thing, I believe, is for people to try to see what works best for them. Unless you can pick up and move across the country from BPDs no matter what you do it's a challenge. Sometimes even then... .

Spot on!

[nomom4me]

Even when I did live across the country, I was not no contact.  My mom started with nasty letters when I was a teenager, it was normal to me and most of my family plays into her crazy so I was the black sheep just moving out of state.  I used to see my family once a year and that was plenty, now I live closer and because of my moms smear campaign I have not seen most of my family in 2 years.

I didn't know what a normal parent/child relationship looked like until I spent time with other families as an adult, roommates and partners over the years have seen her letters or caught my reaction to an email (crying at the computer), it took an ex-boyfriend outright telling me the emails were abusive to realize that it was not my fault.

My family is very large, my mom has managed to turn a simple and practical boundary into a smear campaign.  I can only imagine how far she would take it if I changed my phone number and cut her off from any contact, I genuinely feel lucky that she lost my mailing address.  Even though I don't see my siblings I talk to my brothers by phone, my sister is her own bag of worms and I recently blocked her on facebook for triangulating with my mother,  it's a really frustrating situation and I would like to see my nephew but he is being used as a pawn to get me to play online chess with the queen.