oh the joy of a holiday (<---sarcasm)

[suraleya]

Hello friends- I haven't posted in a while because thankfully my uBPDm has been rather quiet lately.  Since she's never quiet, I guess this should have me worried.

With Easter looming ahead, of course she has to make some kind of racket.  My husband and I are not traveling this Easter- we recently just found out we are pregnant (something my mom said would never happen for me- take that crazy lady!) , and have to save every penny we have for the baby.  This of course upsets my mother deeply.  So she called a few days ago to ask what we were doing for Easter.  And to be honest, we weren't planning to do a darn thing! We have no money and no other family in town, and no friends invited us to their Easter celebrations so we were planning to have a low key day of church and then just spending time with each other.  I mentioned we might go to Cracker Barrel if we could find a few bucks for that.  Oh she was not having that.  She was just beside herself that I wasn't cooking an entire Easter meal (ham, cherry sauce, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, sweet potato casserole, dinner rolls, jello salad and pie- this is her holiday menu for Christmas and Easter and it MUST be done!)  Nevermind that cooking an entire meal for two people seems so absurd to me, why does every holiday have to be the freakin same?  Is it not Easter whether I eat ham or NOT?  According to mom its not Easter.  So she blasts me on facebook to all her little minions about what a horrible daughter I am because I am not cooking Easter dinner for my family.  (at this point all anyone knows my family is my husband, we haven't announced pregnancy.)  And then the best part she starts to relive old Easter memories.  Her favorite one?  Well that was in 2003.  We had a house fire in 2002 and we lost everything.  In 2003 my parents were living in a rental house.  I was in college and my little sister was a senior in high school.  So we were 18 and 21.  I came home for Easter and we all sat down for our Easter meal (same menu as above, of course.)  My mom's sweet potato casserole was a favorite for the whole family she always puts lots of butter and marshmallows in in it.  So she sets the casserole dish on the table and my sister and I both grab the spoon.  Since we are not 5 years old, I of course release the spoon to show my sister she can have first dibs at the boiling hot, buttery gooey mess.  But my sister reacts before she realizes I am not gonna fight for the damn casserole and she scoops up a blob and flings it at me, it lands on my right wrist.  It is boiling butter at this point and it is burning so horribly at first I am just in utter shock.  Then I run to the sink in the kitchen try to wash it away but the damage is done.  My dad takes me to the ER where I'm told I have 3rd degree burns! I'm given medicine for the pain and then they have to irrigate the burn which is absolutely the worst pain I've ever felt.  They wrap me up and send me home.   Obviously Easter was ruined.  Now, here we are 11 years later, and this crazy lady still brings up this Easter and JOKES about me getting burned!  She thinks its a damn riot.  Oh you two girls fighting over my casserole!  Hahhahahhahah!  Let me just go ahead and say that the Easter where I sustained 3rd degree burns because my sister is a pscyho path is not high on my list of good memories folks.  Nope, sure not. 

Is it any wonder I want to sit at home with my husband and not celebrate? 

[GeekyGirl]

Holidays tend to bring on lots of stress for many of us--whether or not we decide to spend them with our relatives with BPD.

From what you've said, it makes sense that you'd prefer a quiet weekend at home with your husband over Easter dinner with your family. You've set a boundary with your mother by declining her invitation, which is good, and you've also explained to her that you and your husband are doing something different and why, which is also good. Now you can refer back to that boundary if/when it comes up again that you're not going to visit your parents on Easter.

It sounds like reminising with your mother about Easter 2003 was painful for you, and I certainly don't blame you for that. Do you think your mother takes a lot of pride in cooking a huge dinner for your family and expects you to carry on that tradition to make her feel better about herself? She may feel that because you're not visiting and/or cooking the same thing that she does that you're rejecting her, even if that's not your intention. If she brings it up again, you could mention what you said here:

My mom's sweet potato casserole was a favorite for the whole family she always puts lots of butter and marshmallows in in it. 

but explain to her (here comes the boundary) that although you love her sweet potato casserole and enjoy it immensely, you're doing something different this year that works better for you and your DH.

In the meantime, you have set the stage to have an Easter celebration (or non-celebration) that way that works best for you.

[chriskell]

Thanks for bringing up the holiday issue and congratulations on your pregnancy. I am not quite as far along as you as I have not even brought up Easter yet with my uBPDm (gee, is it Wednesday already?). Since she is in the middle of a smear campaign against me, I'm thinking I will also just have a quiet dinner with my immediate family. One of my brothers lives with her, so she will not be alone. I have so many holiday memories that involve my mom throwing a plate of food because of a perceived slight by one of her children. I hope you and your husband have a happy Easter.

[Sophie17]

Congratulations on your pregnancy! How wonderful and exciting. I hope you are in good health and feeling ok!

OH MY this sounds SOO much like what I've experienced in the past. It's a relief to know I'm not alone, but sorry there are others who have this same thing happen.

My husband and I refer to Thanksgiving 2012 as "Turkeygate." (It's a long, sad, hilarious story for another time, but essentially my uBPDMIL somehow turned Thanksgiving and cooking a turkey all about her, and then she didn't even GO to the Thanksgiving meal that had to be relocated because of her drama.)

And then, this past Christmas, I made the STUPID mistake of thinking that if we relocated Christmas and it wasn't at a family member's home, and instead at a very nice hotel, the drama wouldn't follow us.

WRONG. As it turns out folks, the harder we try to defuse the crazy, the harder the BPD person works to make it rear it's ugly head.  Yes, BPD even knows the address of the Ritz Carlton. My MIL ruined Christmas at the Ritz, which I think is quite a feat. Well, she TRIED to ruin it, but we just blocked her out and did our best to enjoy. Next year we are either leaving the country or staying at home and not inviting anyone. We shouldn't have to leave our home, the state, or the country just to have peace and love on a holiday, but as I learned the hard way, the madness knows no boundaries.

It's a learning process.  At least I didn't get burned. I'm SO sorry that happened. Wow.

I do admit I love hearing the stories of the antics these people create, but there is always such a sad undertone to it all.

Thanks everyone for sharing.

-Sophie

[cbhh]

I have begun to loathe holidays, although my situation isn't as dramatic suraleya's. My parents have moved into an independent living apartment at a retirement community ( they are 87 and 90). Dad can no longer climb the steps to enter my home so we no longer celebrate any holidays or birthdays at my house.

My 50 year old uBPDs is unemployed and completely financially dependent on my parents. As I (55) now am in charge of my parent's finances I am in charge of transferring weekly the funds on which my sister depends. In the year's prior to my parents move, my sister would always have an emotional upheaval prior to or during a holiday and frequently would be unable to join us. Even when she did there was much drama as she went into graphic detail with what was wrong with her physically (she suffers from gastric reflux, irritable bowel and the repercussions of a severe concussion). On several occasions she would strike an argument with me and criticize me publicly on FB. Always afterward she would apologize profusely telling me how much she loved me.

This past Thanksgiving she invited us to her house and we had a surprisingly nice time. The only downside was her chainsmoking which bothers all of us as none of us smoke. My husband said that although he'd had a pleasant time he really couldn't tolerate the smoke and would prefer not to go back. I have to admit that I agree with him. On Christmas we celebrated at my parent's apartment and the dining hall at the community.

Since Christmas there have been two times when something I've said in an attempt to be supportive was misconstrued and I was publicly berated. She again, apologized both times, the last time telling me that I should know that no matter how 'off her head' she gets that she really loves me and always will. Last week she invited me to her house for Easter. I have since declined this invitation due to the actual fact that my husband and I have plans for this sunday.

Still, I dislike the feeling of aversion I get when she extends an invitation. I do understand that she loves me and I am trying my best to be supportive and helpful, when asked. She flat out refuses to see a therapist (we haven't suggested what we think is wrong with her- just suggested that it might be helpful to talk to someone who could help her process the depression, anxiety and confusing emotions she has) and I've come to terms with that. I am here for her as a sister and will do my best to honor Mom and Dad's wishes to support her financially. Although I've gone NC in the past I realize that I can no longer do that however I limit my communication to the bear minimum and no longer make any responses, even positive ones, to her postings on FB. It's hard not to succomb to FOG, isn't it?

Anyway... . all this to say that you are not alone. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

love, Cathy

[XL]

Oh my god. The "fixer" sibling has arranged Easter. It has suddenly turned into a 9 course meal, 3 day event with house guests. Everyone knows deep down they suck and try to overcompensate with compulsive shopping and "perfect" meals at holidays. One can't be a jerk every day of the year, then smooth it over with a saccharine holiday.

I am so tired of every single holiday. I just hate them. Hate. Hate. hatehatehate.


And guys? No family on facebook. Secret account under a different name just for peers. Best decision I ever made.

[hopesprings]

I wanted to add my congratulations about your pregnancy!  That is wonderful news Do you think you might suddenly develop terrible morning sickness for the next few holidays?  No cooking or mandatory family meals.  Just kidding, but you probably could use a break from the holiday drama.

I was so glad you posted this topic.  I've been reeling this week from holiday drama.  My mother accused my husband of "borrowing" (read stealing) a non-valuable item from her home.  Completely crazy accusation, but she believed it so much that she changed the locks on her house.  Even when confronted with the truth (she lent the item to my 11 yr. old son and I forgot to return it) she wouldn't back down, say "I'm sorry", nothing.

Now she is mad that I don't want to bring my family to her house for Easter.  Lots of icy behavior.  I've been trying to practice SET, I invited her to our house, etc. but so far she hasn't replied. Truth is, I miss the holidays at her house.  She loves entertaining and is very good at it. She is at her best when it is a social occasion. We had some fun holidays at her house. Things have deteriorated over the past several years. Issues with my sibling added in, and I realized I don't want to accept the poor behavior as the price for a pretty holiday.  I feel like it is more important that my husband and I are treated kindly and that my kids aren't exposed to things I'm not comfortable with. I am doing my best to create great holidays here at my house.

Good luck with this holiday.  I think we are set for about 6 months after this one!