Hey benny
I doesn't sound like you are doing ok with this arrangement. You said in your post that you feel used and in limbo, and surely you are not ok with that? It doesn't feel good to recycle under his terms; I'm guessing that your frustration and feelings of powerlessness is getting to you. It sounds like the motivation for not speaking your truth is b/c of your fear of him turning away. When you emotionally detach you will be able to speak your truth and set healthy boundaries without fear of losing him. Ironically this tends to make our partners relax so that our time with them is more reciprocal pleasurable.
But you must know this: he will turn away, but then probably come back, especially if you represent a strong, supportive person that he can count on (instead of a codependent one that lets him drive a boundaryless, chaotic relationship). You cannot prevent him from turning away by contorting and compromising your truth. He has an attachment disorder and even with treatment, he will probably never fully attach to you the way you can with him. Depending on the depth of childhood trauma and his temperment, he has had a disruption in early attachment that is rarely reversed (there are exceptions like A.J.Mahari). He will come close on his good days and this is wonderful, but there will be days when his mind will tell him not to trust you and he will turn away. Enjoy the time you ahve with him and don't take the times he pulls away from you personally. Give him space and do other things.
Take care
Oh, boy, benny, do I understand where you're coming from all too well!
This is EXCELLENT advice, rosannadanna! I should also print it out like patientandclear said.
I have a friend who is a T who works with many pwBPD, and she reminded me last night that pwBPD
need people around them to have strong boundaries. If your boundaries are "squishy," she said, then pwBPD will end up uncomfortable and not able to trust you.
I reunited with my uBPDbf a couple of months ago. How I
wish I'd have brought up all of the r/s topics we should have discussed early on before I again become more emotionally invested in this r/s. Instead, I made some assumptions that made me feel safe enough to re-engage with him. Now, I think of all the things that I left unspoken, and I have huge regrets.
I'm learning how to stop walking on eggshells. I found a good therapist who works with pwBPD, and she's been helpful. She pointed out in my first session that it sounds like I need to learn how to better stick up for myself. So, I'm working on that, and I just might be losing this r/s because of it. We will see. I just can't spend my life not speaking my truth, especially in my most intimate r/s. I know how scary it can feel to take that risk and speak your truth, benny.
