Should I go to the police?

[pinkpeony]

Hi All,

I got an invitation from exuBPD to go to the movies.  He said he missed me and just wanted to see my face.  I agreed.  Part of me wanted to see him too, but part of me knew that if I declined, that would piss him off as rejection/abandonment. 

He texted me a pic of himself and I made a little joke about the room he was in (bathroom).  He replied back with a nasty retort that I did not tell him he looked hot.  I sighed deeply to myself, knowing already where this was going.  I've been reading, highlighting and taking notes in my SWOO book and thought... . let me try validation.  So I write back that I was sorry and yes, he did look hot.  His reply?  How selfish, superior and self-assured I am that I could not say it in the first place, that he's NEVER had a problem getting women, that I never this, never that, blah, blah, blah.

I managed to work this back around to OK territory and thought everything was alright.  I went to the theatre later at the time we'd discussed, he never showed. I finally reached him on phone & he said he'd figured I backed out and he went to play basketball instead.  Aaaugh.  We made plans for the following night, had an ok time, but in the back of my mind I was frustrated and pretty much given up on this r/s after 2 years of this craziness.  I do love him, but it's very unfulfilling for me to never recieve what I need emotionally.

The following morning he called me and asked me about $75.00 for something we'd sold on ebay two years ago. I reminded him how we'd used that money, and he disagreed with me.  I tried again to remind him, and he went ballistic.  Screaming, yelling, cursing me, telling me he was a businessman, never forgot about money, calling me stupid, forgetful, etc., and how I was attempting to make him look weak, ignorant and insulting his intelligence.  I could barely get a word in he was so loud and incessant.  It was the worst ever. 

I emailed him afterwards and reminded him again how that money worked out.  And in my boldest moment ever, I told him I could not do this anymore, and that I'd be returning his things (small things left over at my house) and that I simply cannot continue.  I have never been brave enough to actually say it so assuredly.  I gathered everything and intended to drop them off at his work.  (he works in a tiny office by himself, ten feet from the front door to the outside).  He met me outside and took the bag, I left. 

What followed was 6 hours of texts-the most vile, ugly, accusatory, horrible, ridiculous (and untrue) things anyone has ever said about me.  But worse than that, and why I'm writing today, is because he threatened me several times.  I've saved this entire conversation because I fear he really will do something.  I've given his information (name, phone, ssn) to my close friends just in case something really does happen to me.  He told me he'd do something vindictive to humiliate me and cause me to lose my job, for me not to even try to figure out what he'll do because I'm not smart enough to conjure up what he can do in the name of retaliation and vengeance, and it'll could be years before I realize it was him because he's got the patience to wait until I least expect it. 

I am fearful we've turned a corner beyond what I anticipated.  It's been a few days and he's emailed me with more awfulness but then told me he loved me despite how I've treated him.  I think his anger was mostly because I made a more definitive move (by returning his things) than I ever have had the courage to do and his pride was injured, but I am frightened.  Some of his texts were beyond reason and logic.

This past year I have been having very serious health issues and am facing surgery in the next few weeks (he knows this).  I emailed him and literally begged him to consider my condition and what I am dealing with.  I apologized for my part in everything and I truly am sorry.  I pleaded to his sensibility (which is in there sometimes) that we love each other but cannot make this work and need to let it finally go, for both our sakes.  His response was, "Too late.  You're just scared I'm going to seek vengeance, and you should be."

Should I get a restraining order?  Should I go to the police?  I'm frightened and anxious, and this is detrimental to my health.  I'm feeling guilty because I should not have agreed to go to the movies after all our ups and downs and NC on and off.  He could be bluffing from anger but he is sneaky and vindictive, I've witnessed it.  These were just texts and maybe he'll cool down, but the possibilities are endless of what he could do.  I'm scared when I leave my house, I'm scared leaving my car at work.  I'm scared to leave my dogs in the yard. 

Could he be bluffing or should I risk taking this to the police?  If he gets served with a restraining order, that will just fuel this fire that much more.  His moods fluctuate like the wind-he might be sorry for the threats now and regretting his words, but what if he's not?

[DragoN]

I'm scared when I leave my house, I'm scared leaving my car at work.  I'm scared to leave my dogs in the yard.

You should take it to the police. Don't wait until it is too late. He is giving you a warning, and I would take it very seriously. You are not dealing with a sane person. He is emotionally labile, volatile and to make such threats? Is illegal. To live in fear? This is not ok. Your peace of mind is more important than whatever befalls him. There are consequences for those types of actions in the real world. I know from putting it into practice myself, that getting the Law involved is the very best thing to do. It's not pleasant, but necessary. Please do  not be afraid to do what is required to take the best care of yourself.

When somebody, in particular a borderline , threatens to kill you, it's only a slight snap of who knows what, that will unleash the beast. Thoughts, then actions. There is not much in the way of Executive Function working in the background.

Speaking from experience. But, I waited too long. Please, don't make the same mistake. It could cost you your life. They are not sane. It takes very little to push a BPD over the edge when they are feeling abandoned.

[krista8521]

Hello,

What you need to do is look up what time the court house hours are where you can go down and file a petition for a restraining order.

Usually you can go in and file, see a Judge/Commissioner and get a temp. order granted.

Then a court date will be set, he will be served with papers and he can argue with the Judge why he should not grant this. If he does not show up, its granted by default.

Bring the texts with you, print them out if you can and attach it to the petition.

Make sure you have a valid address for him, even his work address will do.

good luck

[GaGrl]

You do not need this fear and stress in your life if you facing surgery and a recovery period.  Your health depends on ridding your life of undue stress.

[marbleloser]

HELL YES! That is,if you truly want to be rid of him.

Going to court for a protection order = easy,he gets served,if he violates it he goes to jail.

Going to police = Guaranteed arrest for harrassing communications,threatening,etc.,,

It's up to you ultimately,but you CAN do both by going to the courthouse first,and then calling the police.

[pinkpeony]

Thanks, guys.  I appreciate your responses.  I am so fearful that involving the police will ignite him and he'll do something awful.  When I calm down and think about him and how our cycles have gone in the past, I wonder if I'm worried about something that is over and done with for him.  You just never know from one minute to the next.

[maria1]

My pwBPD acted in the same way after our relationship ended. He wasn't even as threatening but I knew what he was capable of. I posted on here (if you search my early posts you'll see I had very similar feelings to you).

I am in the UK. I contacted the police and they served him with a pre harassment warning. It stopped. Completely. I also changed my locks.

I went completely NC, changing my email address and mobile number. You should not have to hear any more.

Please don't put his welfare above your own when go is evidently unstable. Please keep posting.

Almost a year on I'm in such a different place I can't believe it. Please don't let this man destroy you.

[Vegasskydiver]

Hello,

What you need to do is look up what time the court house hours are where you can go down and file a petition for a restraining order.

Usually you can go in and file, see a Judge/Commissioner and get a temp. order granted.

Then a court date will be set, he will be served with papers and he can argue with the Judge why he should not grant this. If he does not show up, its granted by default.

Bring the texts with you, print them out if you can and attach it to the petition.

Make sure you have a valid address for him, even his work address will do.

good luck

I actually had to do this.  My exBPDbf hacked in to my computer, iphone, threatened to kill himself and any man that he saw me with.  The restraining order was granted but what happened next I did not expect.  He hired an attorney and sued me for "false accusations and attorney fees".  I in turn had to hire an attorney which ended up costing me $1500.00.  My attorney was amazing, but in the end the case was thrown out and the jusdge basically told us we were wasting her time and if we pushed she would come down with a jusdgement that neither one of us would like.  My attorney was shocked and I no longer have a restraining order.  My exBPDbf who always said that he would NEVER lie and preached that to the end, lied on official court documents.  Painted me to be the crazy one... . said that I made the whole thing up and that when we broke up I told he that I would tell the police that he beat me.  I never told them anything of the sort.  I really feel that my ex made a mockery of the situation.  It was horribly humiliating and I was the one telling the truth... . he won again :'(  

[laelle]

Hi All,

I got an invitation from exuBPD to go to the movies.  He said he missed me and just wanted to see my face.  I agreed.  Part of me wanted to see him too, but part of me knew that if I declined, that would piss him off as rejection/abandonment.  

He texted me a pic of himself and I made a little joke about the room he was in (bathroom).  He replied back with a nasty retort that I did not tell him he looked hot.  I sighed deeply to myself, knowing already where this was going.  I've been reading, highlighting and taking notes in my SWOO book and thought... . let me try validation.  So I write back that I was sorry and yes, he did look hot.  His reply?  How selfish, superior and self-assured I am that I could not say it in the first place, that he's NEVER had a problem getting women, that I never this, never that, blah, blah, blah.

I managed to work this back around to OK territory and thought everything was alright.  I went to the theatre later at the time we'd discussed, he never showed. I finally reached him on phone & he said he'd figured I backed out and he went to play basketball instead.  Aaaugh.  We made plans for the following night, had an ok time, but in the back of my mind I was frustrated and pretty much given up on this r/s after 2 years of this craziness.  I do love him, but it's very unfulfilling for me to never recieve what I need emotionally.

The following morning he called me and asked me about $75.00 for something we'd sold on ebay two years ago. I reminded him how we'd used that money, and he disagreed with me.  I tried again to remind him, and he went ballistic.  Screaming, yelling, cursing me, telling me he was a businessman, never forgot about money, calling me stupid, forgetful, etc., and how I was attempting to make him look weak, ignorant and insulting his intelligence.  I could barely get a word in he was so loud and incessant.  It was the worst ever.  

I emailed him afterwards and reminded him again how that money worked out.  And in my boldest moment ever, I told him I could not do this anymore, and that I'd be returning his things (small things left over at my house) and that I simply cannot continue.  I have never been brave enough to actually say it so assuredly.  I gathered everything and intended to drop them off at his work.  (he works in a tiny office by himself, ten feet from the front door to the outside).  He met me outside and took the bag, I left.  

What followed was 6 hours of texts-the most vile, ugly, accusatory, horrible, ridiculous (and untrue) things anyone has ever said about me.  But worse than that, and why I'm writing today, is because he threatened me several times.  I've saved this entire conversation because I fear he really will do something.  I've given his information (name, phone, ssn) to my close friends just in case something really does happen to me.  He told me he'd do something vindictive to humiliate me and cause me to lose my job, for me not to even try to figure out what he'll do because I'm not smart enough to conjure up what he can do in the name of retaliation and vengeance, and it'll could be years before I realize it was him because he's got the patience to wait until I least expect it.  

I am fearful we've turned a corner beyond what I anticipated.  It's been a few days and he's emailed me with more awfulness but then told me he loved me despite how I've treated him.  I think his anger was mostly because I made a more definitive move (by returning his things) than I ever have had the courage to do and his pride was injured, but I am frightened.  Some of his texts were beyond reason and logic.

This past year I have been having very serious health issues and am facing surgery in the next few weeks (he knows this).  I emailed him and literally begged him to consider my condition and what I am dealing with.  I apologized for my part in everything and I truly am sorry.  I pleaded to his sensibility (which is in there sometimes) that we love each other but cannot make this work and need to let it finally go, for both our sakes.  His response was, "Too late.  You're just scared I'm going to seek vengeance, and you should be."

Should I get a restraining order?  Should I go to the police?  I'm frightened and anxious, and this is detrimental to my health.  I'm feeling guilty because I should not have agreed to go to the movies after all our ups and downs and NC on and off.  He could be bluffing from anger but he is sneaky and vindictive, I've witnessed it.  These were just texts and maybe he'll cool down, but the possibilities are endless of what he could do.  I'm scared when I leave my house, I'm scared leaving my car at work.  I'm scared to leave my dogs in the yard.  

Could he be bluffing or should I risk taking this to the police?  If he gets served with a restraining order, that will just fuel this fire that much more.  His moods fluctuate like the wind-he might be sorry for the threats now and regretting his words, but what if he's not?

I soo dont miss this... .  I was never physically threatened, but most of the other stuff was close to the same.

You have to hold him accountable for what he says.  Make it a boundary.  When my bf/ex threatens to do bodily harm to me or harm to himself, I will call the police and or hospital.  It doesnt matter if he is just angry and talking crap, he has to be held accountable.  In every major city there is a shelter for abused women.  If you really fear him you can hold out there for a while.  Let your work know whats up and what you have done about it.  Better than they know in advance.

I am so sorry you are going through this.  We are all here for you.  

btw, did you not find it funny that your ex wants to meet with you and then asks you about money from a year ago?

[pinkpeony]

Hi All,

Maybe I'm being over confident, but even though I am anxious and nervous, I REALLY feel my NC and nothing else from me will be less dangerous and troublesome in the long run.  I hope I am not making a huge mistake.  I remember many times he commented on people "treating him with disrespect" and his anger towards that, but I'm going with my gut.  If me showing up at this work with a discreet paper handle bag and no co-workers present infuriated him, imagine the police pulling up and neighboring businesses looking out the window or his clients in the parking lot.  I know the real emotion behind it all was the adandonment of the break-up, and we've broken up before and he's never done anything I know of.  I've heard nothing from him at all since my last email pleading with him to let me be. 

I am generally a peace-maker, so the thought of dragging this out goes against my grain.  Again, I hope I am not making a horrible mistake.  I've seen such tenderness and self-doubt in him at times, and I know that day hurt his pride as well as activated his BPD responses, and usually when we were "not speaking" when we did communicate again, he'd apologze for certain things he'd said and done.  If I did not respond to those things, he'd let it go, however, if I did agree or comment on those behaviors, that's when he'd freak out and start blaming me for the very things he'd just apologized for.  So, I guess I'm going on that-me keeping quiet and letting him have the last word seems to have soothed him in the past.   

laelle, I thought it was bizarre that the money thing came up.  (he lived in my house for two years-never paid rent)  In one of the nasty later texts, he told me it wasn't the money that made him so angry, it was that I was "trying to make me look like a fool" by "making up a story" about repaying him.  He had lapses in memory, distorted versions of most everything, changing stories from one memory to the next;  I should have known he was dysregulating, but it takes a strong strong person to learn how to take that abuse-meaningless or not. 

And krista, I can see his reponse being much like your experience.  He is intelligent and believes he is genius when he is on a "high".  He does have the ability to make himself look pretty amazing (as I fell for and have seen others oogling him when he was feeling good.  His boss has basically left his entire business to him because he's "so trustworthy and such a professional."  I can totally see him studying law books to try to turn this around to make me the bad guy.  I don't want to give him any ammunition. 

I have told more friends about the truth of this relationship/situation and I am planning to inform my supervisor tomorrow that there is potential for trouble in some form.  I hope I don't look stupid, but I guess better safe than sorry.  Aauugh, this makes me sick.  Thanks for all your support and responses, it really helps.  And please feel free to tell me if you think my gut is steering me wrong!  I know I am seeing this from my own little viewpoint and no amount of reading will compare to all your words of wisdom and experience. 

thanks, pink

[pallavirajsinghani]

Yes.  You should go to the police immediately.  Print out all the conversations, texts etc and turn them over to them. 

It is not up to you to evaluate whether he is bluffing or not.

The fact that you feel threatened is enough.

I am a DV survivor.  Please do not take this lightly.

He may not be a bad person at all.  He does have a mental disorder though.

Be safe.