NC backfiring?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am beginning to realize something lately?

Since I have gone NC, it seems that my ex soBPD is "upping the ante"

Its like being punished for not trying to establish contact. Like, throwing my stuff out, cryptic insults posted on social websites, etc.

I realize this may be the "painting me black" but I seem to notice it more after certain amounts of time pass.If I dont react, it gets nastier.

Anybody experience this? any thoughts?

[DeltaAlpha]

I am beginning to realize something lately?

Since I have gone NC, it seems that my ex soBPD is "upping the ante"

Its like being punished for not trying to establish contact. Like, throwing my stuff out, cryptic insults posted on social websites, etc.

I realize this may be the "painting me black" but I seem to notice it more after certain amounts of time pass.If I dont react, it gets nastier.

Anybody experience this? any thoughts?

[blecker]

Yep. Pretty standard operating procedure.

The squeekyest wheel gets the grease.

The trick is don't grease the wheel. Sooner or later it will cease up.

[laelle]

The child is pouting because the child isnt getting his/her way?

They dont like it when they see your are doing fine without them.

[DeltaAlpha]

and the "beauty" of it all is that if you react, then they accuse you of violating their "space" or something like it. A lose-lose situation.

[maria1]

It's an 'extinction burst'. Search the term in the search box on this site and you can learn about it as a BPD behaviour. As long as you don't engage it will stop eventually. If you engage at a certain point it shows them it worked. It is the same as a toddler having a temper tantrum and it helps to think of the pwBPD traits as a 3 year old but with the life skills and manipulative skills of an adult. That's partly what make this so hard to cope with.

If you really don't want to re-engage then it helps to shut down any way of the contacting you- change your number/ email/ block facebook or just de-activate. In order to heal it helps to not know what they are doing to try and contact you.

[laelle]

What Maria said... .  

[igiveup]

I logged into my email to find these this morning.  Is this typical borderline behavior post break-up?  When we have broken up in the past, this is the typical communication I receive... . the pining and destined love -- how it's our fate, there's a driving force for us to be together.  Isn't this obsessing?  Is that part of BPD?  We've been broken up for nearly 3 weeks now and I'm not communicating at all. 

1) Your new facebook picture reminds me as if you're speaking to me mind to mind.   2) Will you call me, do you miss me, just respond please... . Unless occupied with your son or work... . Just say, Yes you will call or No, you don't want to... . You look beautiful, and I know you very well.  3) If you'd like to meet tomorrow at Sweetwater for dinner. I can bring the jacket, and we can talk. Some compelling force in me tells me, we are more then this... . If our love is over, don't play with me. I became one with you when we made love and our coffees or cooking, you falling asleep beside me... . It can just be a memory, our is our destiny to travel together. I'm just too deep into you to turn around. I do have to change and so do you, but trusting in and being right, straight with each other, no games is our only hope... . have a nice day... . you know how to reach me... .  

[laelle]

1) Your new facebook picture reminds me as if you're speaking to me mind to mind.   2) Will you call me, do you miss me, just respond please... . Unless occupied with your son or work... . Just say, Yes you will call or No, you don't want to... . You look beautiful, and I know you very well.  3) If you'd like to meet tomorrow at Sweetwater for dinner. I can bring the jacket, and we can talk. Some compelling force in me tells me, we are more then this... . If our love is over, don't play with me. I became one with you when we made love and our coffees or cooking, you falling asleep beside me... . It can just be a memory, our is our destiny to travel together. I'm just too deep into you to turn around. I do have to change and so do you, but trusting in and being right, straight with each other, no games is our only hope... . have a nice day... . you know how to reach me... .




Not to be mean in anyway but it sounds alot to me like.

Do you like me?  (check one)

Yes hit  Nohit

If no, I was only joking.

[Surnia]

 

DeltaAlpha

Like others said, it is quite possible that it becomes nastier when you are more detached.

You may look at this article    

BPD BEHAVIORS: Extinction Bursts.

Can you tell us little bit more about your situation?

How long have you been together?

How was the dynamic in your relationship?

[DeltaAlpha]

Surnia,

I knew my exBPD as a friend/coworker for about a year and a half - very successful at the job (the exBPD). We had a whirlwind romance where her ex was pushed out and I was the "idol" - the other guy was "evil" - what little did I know and what I accepted as fact - sigh.

Things crumbled fairly quickly after a couple of BPD episodes. The romance lasted about 4 months. About a month now since the split. Now she's with someone else (new idol) I think.

My theory is that the "ante" goes up after milestones of no contact.

[DeltaAlpha]

  ps

Im sure there's more to add. One being that we work in the same floor every other week.

This has been the greatest romance (albeit false?) and the biggest heartbreak I've experienced in decades. Unbelievable.

[igiveup]

does it have to be "nasty" per se, to be considered an extinction burst?  my exBPD isn't being nasty.  He's trying to be as considerate and amicable as they come in order to reel me in. 

[maria1]

One of the key features of BPD is an inability to deal with perceived abandonment. At the sane time they have an ability to deal with being too close as that triggers a terror if engulfment- again search in these two terms. If a pwBPD perceives you as abandoning them they will go everything they can to stop that from happening. It doesn't tend to stay super nice for long because they tend to feel so hurt by the actions of NC that they want to hurt back. But they still want to keep you close, they just don't know how.

My ex went totally off the scale with nasty stuff when I first tried to go NC. He got nastier and nastier until I got the police involved. But i could feel his desperation. Like a child.

I really recommend you learn as much as you can about the disorder. It will help you get through.

[igiveup]

Thanks, Maria.  You and I share the same first name

I have been reading and reading and reading about this and have gained so much insight as to what has been going on these past few years, and am still learning something more every day.  Each time we've broken up, even for as long as 4 or 5 months, his persistence always paid off because I always went back to him, even so far as getting engaged.  The precedent I've set is that he will eventually win... . I've essentially trained him on what to do to get what he wants.  Hopefully I won't have to see "nasty" come out. 

[maria1]

It was my late mother's name 

It really does help to read about it doesn't it? It's so helpful and it's fascinating too. Has your ex done any nasty stuff at all? I'm interested that there has been no push and only pull?

[igiveup]

It really does help to read about it doesn't it? It's so helpful and it's fascinating too. Has your ex done any nasty stuff at all? I'm interested that there has been no push and only pull?

There have been a few times he's gotten nasty but nothing I consider completely over the top.  Maybe I've become desensitized to bad behavior and have come to expect some backlash?   There was a time he was with his therapist and got angry while in her office and began doing a "text message inventory" with me of gifts that we'd given each other in the past.  He was itemizing/demanding what he was giving back to me and what he wanted back... . it was to the point where I felt he'd have been happy if I regurgitated each meal we'd shared. Essentially he was throwing a tantrum... . in front of his therapist.  Another time he found me out with some friends about a month post break up and started shadowing me on the patio of the restaurant we were in.  He'd maneuver himself around and get close enough to repeatedly say, "I thought you loved me.  Don't you love me anymore?"  This was in public with friends/acquaintances looking on.  He has no shame.   I told him to stop, go away and please leave me alone and after that he was able to move in behind me, pressing his mouth to my ear and through gritted teeth called me a "little prick".  Then he left, as he was about to be removed from the restaurant.  Since the engagement, tho when I broke that off, I haven't had any of this.  It's only been three weeks so who knows if it's yet to come.

[afterdeath]

Surnia,

I knew my exBPD as a friend/coworker for about a year and a half - very successful at the job (the exBPD). We had a whirlwind romance where her ex was pushed out and I was the "idol" - the other guy was "evil" - what little did I know and what I accepted as fact - sigh.

Things crumbled fairly quickly after a couple of BPD episodes. The romance lasted about 4 months. About a month now since the split. Now she's with someone else (new idol) I think.

My theory is that the "ante" goes up after milestones of no contact.

So you're the one my ex replaced me with?

Lol , just kidding, but I assume my replacements story would sound exactly like this


I'm ashamed to say this thread makes me feel horrible as I was the one who was crying out the further it went on as my rage would build that she was completely fine without me

Makes me question if I'm truly the BPD and not her? Also how badly some of us may have been infected because I see the actions we accuse them of in one thread are the same actions we are performing in another.

Duality within this disease intrigues me. I question if we are healthy or are we just as bad as them? Some days I can't tell the difference.

For the nons is ok to vent and react, but if accused BPD does the same it's an extinction burst.

I may now be more confused than ever... . I think I'll just settle that it was half my fault and half hers for now.

Apologies if I steered off the path of this topic