Emails and Update

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

As soon as I get approval for occupancy of the house, I can have them changed. I hope that is soon so I can relax knowing he won't suddenly appear.  Through the DV center, there is a resource where they will change them for me at no charge. I may have to make a consult and show them the OoP, but that would save me some money at least.   

I agree.  I am not allowing him near the children or me.  It's very easy to slip back into his world of "sweetness"  but I know his game.  I just have to remember how I've felt for years and the past few months, how scared I was for us three and that time he attacked me.  I haven't replied to his text message telling me he is taking them this weekend. I notified my L of the message and that I have not responded.  Still waiting to hear about the OoP. 

[Mind]

As soon as I get approval for occupancy of the house, I can have them changed. I hope that is soon so I can relax knowing he won't suddenly appear.  Through the DV center, there is a resource where they will change them for me at no charge. I may have to make a consult and show them the OoP, but that would save me some money at least.   

I agree.  I am not allowing him near the children or me.  It's very easy to slip back into his world of "sweetness"  but I know his game.  I just have to remember how I've felt for years and the past few months, how scared I was for us three and that time he attacked me.  I haven't replied to his text message telling me he is taking them this weekend. I notified my L of the message and that I have not responded.  Still waiting to hear about the OoP. 

[ForeverDad]

Perhaps your lawyer could approve a simple response such as this... .  

There have been increasing difficulties in our communication, actions and agreement with the separation and parenting arrangements.  It has been hard for both of us and the children.  It would best to let the court do its job and decide the parenting schedule.  As the one who has done the majority of parenting in the past and due to the difficult situation right now, I consider it best during this short period for me to continue the parenting until the court provides guidance or a decision.  You are welcome to call daily at a reasonable hour such as between hit  and hit to speak with them, but do try to avoid sensitive separation topics, as you can understand.

They are young, the calls would likely be rather brief.  Generally a period after work or dinner but not too close to bedtime works for most people.  Allowing phone contact is one way to show you're not blocking all access.  They are young enough, though, for you to monitor the calls so the conversation doesn't veer off into inappropriate topics, blaming, pressuring, etc.

Note that it is very generic, not blaming him but just acknowledging or validating that it is a difficult situation.  In other words, it's a somewhat passive message, not aggressive but also not addressing unmentioned specific concerns.

[sad but wiser]

ForeverDad has a nicely worded letter there.

   I do find that a businesslike attitude with my ex is helpful in getting him to stay calm.  He isn't used to it, so he cannot respond in patterned ways, it also puts him in the mode he has to use in public.  My ex tries to move conversations into certain areas.  You can step back and see it if you don't get actually involved in the conversation.  It is like a chess game, and he is very good at board control, but also very predicatable. My every move is to neutralize so that he cannot steer the conversation.  Hope this helps.

[Mind]

Great suggestion FD. Very helpful and that helps me to reply with a neutral business reply. Almost like bringing it down to my level-headed level. Instead of feeding into his drama and conflict.

[Forward2free]

I would respond in a professional manner, much the same as I would any client that I didn't know that well.

A few times my N/xhBPD would rage at me for talking to him as a client instead of my (then) husband. He was offended that there was no emotion and I think it was the first time he realised that I wasn't going to be the same old Ms-nice-wife and comply to his irrational demands or die trying.

To not feel pressured into a certain response to keep N/BPDxh happy was liberating for me!

just considering it means you are putting your kids and your needs first, and that's awesome! Great work!

[mamachelle]

Hi Sparkle13,

Have you seen this article yet:

"Warning signs you are dating a loser"

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

It has great advice for leaving an abusive relationship at the end.

Be careful of too neutral a tone to your voice or too defensive posture like arms crossed etc. Try for tired and depressed with neutral message as described above. Its funny, but it works to jam their radar---  they want to feed off your anger or newfound happiness. If you appear depressed then they leave you alone because you are useless to them. 

mamachelle

[livednlearned]

A few times my N/xhBPD would rage at me for talking to him as a client instead of my (then) husband. He was offended that there was no emotion and I think it was the first time he realised that I wasn't going to be the same old Ms-nice-wife and comply to his irrational demands or die trying.

Me too. I can't count the number of emails I received from my N/BPDx calling me heartless, callous, cruel, unfeeling, cold. He has even called me an icepick. 

Except for one or two emails, all of my communication to him has been businesslike and neutral.

Another possibility is that you document that he is not picking up the kids, and you email him and cc your L and his L. Then sit back and watch the fireworks. It will cost you to keep your Ls in the loop like that, but then his L will start to see the behavior. It seems like most Ls eventually realize that their clients have a problem regulating emotions and are too impulsive to really counsel.

[Mind]

To not feel pressured into a certain response to keep N/BPDxh happy was liberating for me!

just considering it means you are putting your kids and your needs first, and that's awesome! Great work!

Kormilda - Thank you!  I do feel a sense of pressure right now when I respond. He's yelled at me for not responding to his chaos. I simply don't feed into the drama anymore and I know he wants me to. Obviously more control methods.  So hopefully I can get to that place eventually where I don't feel that pressure and his communications don't affect me. Right now, it's very difficult. Let me know if you have any suggestions.  

First he said that the kids don't have to ask permission and he'd just come pick them up. Yesterday's phone conversation, which ended up being very late in the night, he told them 'Mommy has to approve me to see you this weekend."  Obviously, I am not approving it at this point.  He also said he has big plans for my daughter's new room and there's lots of room in the closet for all of her stuff.  I'm sure.  I am having a tough time with these conversations.  I'm trying to block out what he says but I can tell the method behind it all.  He even forgot already that yesterday we were out at an activity that we do every week.  His true self has to come out soon.  Not surprised at all.  

I'm confused and this seems very scary to me.    Just heard from my L.  Husband's L will be served with the Order to Show just cause in the next day or so.  The only thing the judge decided on was that the children be returned to the marital residence and an attorney was decided on for the children.  I'm not sure why the OoP wasn't approved, but my L said the other items will be determined at court or on a later date. 

[MammaMia]

Sparkle

The OOP is paramount to your safety!  Is there something in place through the DV people?

I do not understand why they are not enforcing the full OOP NOW. 

Does this mean he can still come and go as he pleases and have access to the children?

[Mind]

M - just the first OOP - the one that is the warning so he can't harass me, etc.  He's requested to take the kids overnight this weekend and I cannot let this happen.  I think this is why I feel so confused with all of this. 

As of now, he is out of our home, but technically, yes, he has access to the house if he wants and comes back.  I have no clue if he's there when I'm away and I don't like that.  Part of the order was to include occupancy of the house so I can get the locks changed. 

I'm going to ask my L about this. 

[Mind]

I heard back from my L. I have to appear at court and the attorneys will meet and talk to the judge to figure out a temporary arrangement. If he and I don't agree the judge calls the case into court and issues a decision.

His L called my L and is asking for permission to take the kids overnight this weekend or during the week. How do I reply? I really don't feel comfortable with his plan. Plus I am trying to stay consistent with the DV claim. The week doesn't work due to his work schedule. My L wants me to tell her what I'm offering as right now nothing is in the works. I feel he is dangerous.

[MammaMia]

Tell him no... .   you have plans with the kids and then do something to get them out of the house on the weekend.  Do you have relatives nearby who can help with the children during the week?

Doesn't your older child have school during the week?

[Mind]

Okay- thank you. I feel so pressured at times.  I'm thinking the suggestion about the week is coming from my  or his L. He's at work till 6 sometimes later with a second job. Both are in school settings during the week.

[livednlearned]

I wonder if sometimes Ls do this as a way to see how serious the DV is.

If you are prepared to hold your ground and feel he is truly dangerous, then tell them that. Be prepared to allow contact by Skype or phone or whatever (supervised visitation?) -- make that part of your proposal so you are seen to be supporting a relationship between the kids and their dad. Meanwhile, show that you are also concerned about their safety.

If you think that he is a danger, say that you are concerned about his temper and want there to be a custody evaluation and recommendations for anger management before determining a custody schedule.