Email to tell me he's seeing someone else.

[lostkitten]

Seriously. We had some really good communication, in fact, TOO much communication, about our feelings and apolgies. It was a long time coming. Then, I got an email, with far too much detail, to let me know he is seeing someone. It was a slap in the face, even though I had my reasons to believe he was already. Some things are better left unmentioned.

I nicely wrote back, and told him he's caused enough hurt and good luck.

Since then, he's emailed me 3 times over the past few days, each one apologizing profusely, saying how stupid he is, how it kills him to know he hurt me... . then, this morning, there was an email telling me he thinks of me constantly, and finds himself getting choked up, and he misses me. He said he worries about me more than he should, and wants me to be happy again. Never any mention of trying to get back together, or the other girl.

I know what he's doing - trying to keep me in his back pocket. However, if hes so upset, and maybe starting to realize what he's done, he should be willing to finally get the help he needs. It KILLS me to know hes doing this, for someone else and new, and wouldnt do it for himself when we were engaged.

[Somewhere]

Kitten, we both know we have no idea what he is really doing.

They are only words.

Your pain begins to end whenever you stop trading the words with him.

Had enough pain, yet?

[sad but wiser]

Lostkitten, maybe the new girl had the sense not to get too involved, so now he wants you back.  It is all speculation anyway, isn't it?  I never could get a straight answer from my BPDex.  Perhaps you should consider going "no contact" for awhile.

[expos]

LostKitten, I AM so sorry.  These things are heartwrenching.  My ex-wife said the same thing to me - only directly to my face.  It was the most heartbreaking, insulting thing she has ever done.  She was literally "seeing someone" 2 months after our divorce was finalized.  There are somethings that should have been left unsaid... . and I couldn't have brought myself to say those things even if I was seeing someone regardless of how much time we would have been a part.   It is out of respect for one another.

The terrible thing is that one of the factors that ruined our marriage was that we jumped into it so quick without spending much time dating.  She is repeating the cycle again buy jumping into a relationship that fast.

It sounds like your ex is terribly confused.  Does he have a history of doing lousy things and then apologizing for them?  My ex would do lousy things and rarely apologize... .

[lostkitten]

LostKitten, I AM so sorry.  These things are heartwrenching.  My ex-wife said the same thing to me - only directly to my face.  It was the most heartbreaking, insulting thing she has ever done.  She was literally "seeing someone" 2 months after our divorce was finalized.  There are somethings that should have been left unsaid... . and I couldn't have brought myself to say those things even if I was seeing someone regardless of how much time we would have been a part.   It is out of respect for one another.

The terrible thing is that one of the factors that ruined our marriage was that we jumped into it so quick without spending much time dating.  She is repeating the cycle again buy jumping into a relationship that fast.

It sounds like your ex is terribly confused.  Does he have a history of doing lousy things and then apologizing for them?  My ex would do lousy things and rarely apologize... .

He always kept quiet about his feelings, or emotions, unless they were positive. Anything negative? He never would discuss.

He has kept saying he wasnt ready for what we had, it was too fast, it all happened really quickly for him (We dated for a year, moved in together, and were engaged for 6 months when he split). I told him that had he felt that, he could have said something and we could have slowed things down. I want going anywhere. He said he needed to be alone, and grow and figure out himself - yet, 2 months after I move out, he's "seeing" someone? And someone hes known since he was a teenager? Who I had met? I don't know who is worse off - him or her. Doesnt this woman see red flags with him? He's 30 years old, just out of an ENGAGEMENT, and lives with his mother.

[seeking balance]

Doesnt this woman see red flags with him? He's 30 years old, just out of an ENGAGEMENT, and lives with his mother.

As much as this might not be easy to hear, You have no idea what he tells her to justify this - better time would be spent to focus on you right now.

What red flags did you see in him that you overlooked and why?

[lostkitten]

Doesnt this woman see red flags with him? He's 30 years old, just out of an ENGAGEMENT, and lives with his mother.

As much as this might not be easy to hear, You have no idea what he tells her to justify this - better time would be spent to focus on you right now.

What red flags did you see in him that you overlooked and why?

I only saw what were red flags recently ... .

-He was immature: His friends, for the most part, were all the same people he was friends with in high school, and was still doing the same things as he was when he was 15. He was living with his parents at the time we met, as well, which should have been a HUGE warning. He got arrested twice in a week - for silly things, one of which was temper/drinking related. Additionally, he sometimes was very selfish, especially when drinking and rude. After a serious discussion, he stopped being a terrible person when drinking, but still would be very selfish. He was the KING of the backhanded compliment, as well, which I would call him out on, but he needed to do some growing up to realize how hurtful he was.

-He was very needy: He needed constant "catering to" - couldn't cook, do his laundry, or even really take care of himself. Very whiny often, as well. While being so needy, he was entitled as well. I thought it was his life - the oldest son of a Brooklyn Italian family - so I let most of it slide.

-He had zero accountability: He never had anything nice to say about ANY ex of his, they were all "crazy" and "btches". He also bragged about never being single for long, and never having been broken up with. There was an odd sense of entitlement he had as well. He claimed his "depression issues" only were caused by ex girlfriends.

-Medical issues: This is very TMI, but he was on Cialis when we first started dating. He said it was due to the fact he'd get so nervous around me (We knew each other for years before we dated, and he was always into me) and he got over his nerves. I was proud of him for admitting it - thats big - and getting the help he needed. I found out recently, he was on the pills throughout the course of our relationship. I cant judge him for this, but he should have been honest. I believe, strongly, the need for the pills had stemmed from his emotional/mental state. He was in therapy, and stopped going after we got engaged. I never pushed the issue - and its never anything he ever could discuss with me. He also was paranoid - he'd go to the doctor for an average cold, and always think something was terribly wrong with him. Yet, he stopped his therapy, even when I begged him to go back - or go with me.

So, overall, yes, there were quite a few red flags that I accepted. I never overlooked them, but couldnt put it all together until now. It all seems to make sense.

[seeking balance]

So, overall, yes, there were quite a few red flags that I accepted. I never overlooked them, but couldnt put it all together until now. It all seems to make sense.

well, none of us really wanted to see the flags and accept them at first (or we wouldn't be here) 

The key is figuring out why we overlooked this stuff - so we don't do it again. If you can use your time to grieve the relationship and focus on why and how you ended up here - it really will benefit you in the bigger picture.

[lostkitten]

I am upset with him, for feeling it was alright to contact me to tell me hes seeing someone else, but didnt contact me to let me know his sister in law (supposed future SIL of mine)'s mother passed away. By the time I found out, from distant mutual friends, it was too late to send flowers or attend the wake. Instead, I texted his brother (for the first time since the split) to send my best. I immediately heard back about how "incredibly sweet" it was of me, and how much it meant and they miss me. I ignored it. Then, last night, after midnight, I was the recipient of a nonsense text from my ex. He and I hadnt texted in weeks - and he has an iPhone, so it is too strange to be "random". I responded with a single question mark, and was met with "Nevermind, sorry to have bothered, take care of yourself, have a good night".

Ive got to break ties. I have to ignore him. No contact. I know this, but I worry and care about him so much - it makes it so difficult! Also, in full disclosure, and I know its terrible of me - if hes so happy with this new girl, why's he texting/emailing me?

[hithere]

I know what he's doing - trying to keep me in his back pocket. However, if hes so upset, and maybe starting to realize what he's done, he should be willing to finally get the help he needs. It KILLS me to know hes doing this, for someone else and new, and wouldnt do it for himself when we were engaged.

You say you know what he is doing, keep you warm on the side.  But the apologies and all else are for the same reason, they are not real.

I am upset with him, for feeling it was alright to contact me to tell me hes seeing someone else, but didnt contact me to let me know his sister in law (supposed future SIL of mine)'s mother passed away.

People with BPD do what is in their best interest, not ours.

[sad but wiser]

lostkitten - I got those weird texts and things too, at first.  Then, when he really understood that I wouldn't even attempt to meet his emotional needs anymore, he stopped doing it.  I wrote him a very nice, non-blaming letter after he started thinking we were getting back together.  I explained that while I cared for him, I was not available for a romantic relationship at this time.  He has basically ignored me ever since. Only one nasty letter about the divorce settlement since then.  I didn't react... .

[lostkitten]

lostkitten - I got those weird texts and things too, at first.  Then, when he really understood that I wouldn't even attempt to meet his emotional needs anymore, he stopped doing it.  I wrote him a very nice, non-blaming letter after he started thinking we were getting back together.  I explained that while I cared for him, I was not available for a romantic relationship at this time.  He has basically ignored me ever since. Only one nasty letter about the divorce settlement since then.  I didn't react... .

See, the thing is, is that I want us to get back together. I've made it clear that I truly believe we can continue to grow as individuals and be together. He's constantly leaving these "crumbs" and if he doesn't want to get back together, and if he's so happy with this new girl and without me, it's plain torture. We've been NC since Tuesday ... . lets hope this lasts. In the 5 months it's been, we've still been in touch nearly every week.

[jj2121]

I understand exactly how you feel, 2 months after my ex left me,she would get in touch playing the victim and I finally thought I was getting somewhere,when she told me she was weird and she get's angry when she can't cope and does not like people to see she can't cope. Then contact everyday started again and she was like I can't be in a relationship with anybody at the moment I just realised this yesterday. I never got a proper apology just single meaningless sorry's which she used all the time,but then 2 days later it changed again, she has a kid with her ex before me and she was suddenly telling me, "oh when we will he realise I want somebody else" and I said you claimed to love me a couple days ago and that you could not be with someone just now. She then tell's me oh sorry I spent the weekend with guy but nothing happened, we both have issues. More like he could not be manipulated in my opinion. I also know she was on a dating site everyday which she swore on her family's life she was not. That is when I cut her out of my life, I was only getting hurt more staying in contact, I was probably a bit harsh in the end,but what can you say to an emotional bully who lies and manipulates you?

[Hurt llama]

Seriously. We had some really good communication, in fact, TOO much communication, about our feelings and apolgies. It was a long time coming. Then, I got an email, with far too much detail, to let me know he is seeing someone. It was a slap in the face, even though I had my reasons to believe he was already. Some things are better left unmentioned.

I nicely wrote back, and told him he's caused enough hurt and good luck.

Since then, he's emailed me 3 times over the past few days, each one apologizing profusely, saying how stupid he is, how it kills him to know he hurt me... . then, this morning, there was an email telling me he thinks of me constantly, and finds himself getting choked up, and he misses me. He said he worries about me more than he should, and wants me to be happy again. Never any mention of trying to get back together, or the other girl.

I know what he's doing - trying to keep me in his back pocket. However, if hes so upset, and maybe starting to realize what he's done, he should be willing to finally get the help he needs. It KILLS me to know hes doing this, for someone else and new, and wouldnt do it for himself when we were engaged.

Sorry you are in pain. It sucks. But to me, it's super weak and very obvious what he is doing to you... I know as I have done the same sorta stuff to my exgfBPD to get her 'back'... oddly it never worked!

One question... you say it kills you to know he is doing what exactly for someone new and wouldn't do it for himself when you were engaged... . What is he doing that he wasn't doing? I'm confused.

He sounds like a mess to me, I know it's really upsetting but if he were all just happy and confident that might hurt more? who knows.

How long were you together and how long broken up.

[sad but wiser]

lostkitten - You are hoping to get back together - to work through the problems together and heal the relationship?  It seems to me that he may not be ready for that kind of responsibility and work.  Are you willing to wait for him?  It could take awhile.  I thought you told him he had caused enough hurt and goodbye?  Remember that he needs clarity from you, and consistency - even if you are not getting back together.  Perhaps you need some time to decide what you really want and what you realistically can do. 

[lostkitten]

Seriously. We had some really good communication, in fact, TOO much communication, about our feelings and apolgies. It was a long time coming. Then, I got an email, with far too much detail, to let me know he is seeing someone. It was a slap in the face, even though I had my reasons to believe he was already. Some things are better left unmentioned.

I nicely wrote back, and told him he's caused enough hurt and good luck.

Since then, he's emailed me 3 times over the past few days, each one apologizing profusely, saying how stupid he is, how it kills him to know he hurt me... .   then, this morning, there was an email telling me he thinks of me constantly, and finds himself getting choked up, and he misses me. He said he worries about me more than he should, and wants me to be happy again. Never any mention of trying to get back together, or the other girl.

I know what he's doing - trying to keep me in his back pocket. However, if hes so upset, and maybe starting to realize what he's done, he should be willing to finally get the help he needs. It KILLS me to know hes doing this, for someone else and new, and wouldnt do it for himself when we were engaged.

Sorry you are in pain. It sucks. But to me, it's super weak and very obvious what he is doing to you... . I know as I have done the same sorta stuff to my exgfBPD to get her 'back'... . oddly it never worked!

One question... . you say it kills you to know he is doing what exactly for someone new and wouldn't do it for himself when you were engaged... .   What is he doing that he wasn't doing? I'm confused.

He sounds like a mess to me, I know it's really upsetting but if he were all just happy and confident that might hurt more? who knows.

How long were you together and how long broken up.

We were together two years, split for 5 months, and friends for 3 years before we started dating.

Im upset that now, that he is seeing someone else, he's finally been able to be honest to me with his feelings and take responsibility for his hurtful actions during our split. He coldly dumped me on the front porch in early November, and couldnt have a conversation with me until late December.

[sad but wiser]

 Ouch!  That hurts, lostkitten.  Is it possible that you two are better off as friends?  Better for you not to expect what he cannot give.  The friendship will never be the same, though. 

  Why can't they just leave us alone in the first place?  A little jealousy that you liked him as more than a friend and it wasn't returned would have been better than, now we are boyfriend/girlfriend, oops, no we aren't.

   Let me answer my own question.  They aren't able to return love in a healthy way because of the disorder.  They can't see the disorder because of the disorder.  They are self-absorbed because of the disorder.  Strangely enough, it isn't personal.