Did your BPD talk about his/her ex's a lot?

[paperlung]

Especially during the first few months of dating, every time we got together she would mention at least one of them to me for one reason or another.

Another thing, which in hindsight was a huge that I ignored was that on the first day we met, she showed me pictures of all her ex-boyfriends, told me how she met them, what happened, ect.

[lockedout]

I got to hear about her exH a lot. She met me only six months after her divorce from him. She called him "f***face" and talk a lot about some of the things that went on. Also mentioned several others she'd dated since then. One whacko showed up while I was there to give her a note pleading for her to come back, etc, etc. Another was involved in porn. True winners.

I was "so much better" than all of them. I'd hate to think of the things she's saying about and calling me. I haven't heard from a single one of "our" friends since the separation. She's still throwing out the abuse card quite liberally.

[mtmc01]

Curiously, I did not hear much about her exes. There was a bit about her last one in some of her (depressing) poetry she'd write, and some random places would irritate her and make her upset because they'd been there or somewhere similar together (restaurants were a culprit). She was left by him, and I don't know that she'd really 100% let it go in retrospect, at least not in the beginning. I was supposed to be the one to "save her" from all of the pain he'd caused.

[copingwithhim]

Constantly... .

In the beginning, my stbex uBPDh talked about how awful his past relationships were with his first wife and a long term (long term for him, four years) girlfriend.  His wife was fat and lazy, while his gf was mean and nasty... . his scapegoats.  Gotta have scapegoats.

Now I am the latest scapegoat.  He told his former gf -- when he was trying to recycle her -- that he was sick of living a vegetarian life (I've been a vegetarian 20 years).  When he spoke to his surrogate parents -- no idea who his father is and his mother is in a institution as a diagnosed BPD who jumped the white house fence and robbed a bank-- he told them that he felt suffocated in the marriage with me.  To others, he was sick of my son.  It all depends on who he's trying to manipulate.  The stories change to suit their needs.

After the end of the relationship, I heard all the nasty truths about him.  Many affairs and bizarre things, some so sickening it's beyond comprehension.

I was always proud of the fact that I didn't go running to other folks to complain; morally, it's just not right.  They use it as a sympathy card.  Now I know that the standards we live by are also what we need to see in our partners.

CopingWith(Out)Him

[fakename]

not a single day went by when one of her exes wasn't brought up.

i now suspect it was meant to play the victim card and also to manipulate me into acting certain ways to appease her

[wanttoknowmore]

Yes. Mine did but only angry ,hatefull talk about him. She called him abusive,controlling and bad person. She had so much hatred towards him.

[crashintome]

Multiple times daily.

When things were good with us, I was told how awful her exes were and how badly they treated her.  When she and I were arguing, I was compared to them and made to feel I could never live up to how wonderfully they treated her.

[flatspin]

T'was the same for me, especially at the beginning of our relationship. She wrote reams to me about her ex-husband, about all the hatred that she had for him, about his supposed sexual depravity (how he would rape her or go to strip clubs), about his constant abuse of her and about the circumstances surrounding her being dumped for his current wife. She said countless times that he had destroyed her life. As for what she told me that she had done, she said, after having embroidered the story in her behalf, that he had made her do it all because of the abuse.

Moreover, she was always talking of her first love when she was a teen, posing him as a reference, an ideal man ; some kind of a golden age during which everything was a total bliss. When she was mad at me, she would say that her first love would never have done this or that and when she was deep in love with me, she would say that I was almost like him in certain aspects and that she liked that. As for me, I didn't like that because I wanted her to love me for who I am and not because I reminded her of him.

I met her ex-husband when I was in the USA last September (I live abroad) and he's a kind guy, having suffered a lot from her cheating on him or from her fits of insults, etc. I asked him about that first love and about how blissful it seemed to have been with that guy and he laughed, saying that on the contrary, he had been told that her relationship with that guy was an utter mess and that he had been cheating on her constantly (if that's what she told him, she may well have been the one cheating on her first love too).

[Hurt llama]

Almost never. But I did ask questions about her most recent and got some "funny' stories out of it. Surprised at her honesty, none of it was much to be proud of... . But as a rule, no she never spoke about ex's unless I asked, which I did.

[LuckyEscapee]

Often, but not constantly. Usually to tell me how they had let him down. How badly he had been treated. How crazy they were. I believed it all too 

Now I recognise the real situation and how they probably suffered and reacted to the BPD too.

[just_think]

BPDex told me all sorts of things about exes and how they were terrible, etc, etc.   I ended up talking to one of her "abusive" exes after the whole thing and it turns out she was a rager and would hit him.  All the exes that cheated, etc, etc, etc... .   I all became so transparent. 

It's funny how much NPD is the opposite.  My NPDex didn't talk about her exes at all.  I actually had to ask questions a few months in just to gauge what her history was.  BUT.  And this is a big but, she kept them around in droves on facebook and in person.  It was her fanclub she could tap at any point for narcissistic supply.  If only I could have been the president of it... .    

In the end, that was the straw that broke the camels back for me.  Once I saw that she was more concerned with her harem than with building a relationship with me, I realized that I couldn't bury my head in the sand anymore... .  

Personally I have a strict "I'm not talking to an ex while I am getting to know you" sort of rule.   How do the rest of you deal with (nonBPD) exes when you are in a relationship?   What are other healthy ways to handle that sort of thing/ what should I look for in future dating endeavors?  Like how do I balance that sort of thing with other people's relationships (realizing they may not have the same standards as me)

[VeryFree]

Mine didn't share much information about her exes, except that she was molested several times.

After she first accused me falsely of the same I asked her to tell me more about her ex beating her up.

She then told me she hair never said anything like that.

[GreenMango]

Especially during the first few months of dating, every time we got together she would mention at least one of them to me for one reason or another.

Could be a lot of reasons... .   emotional memory etc, to gauge your emotional attachment to see if you get jealous, etc.

Another thing, which in hindsight was a huge that I ignored was that on the first day we met, she showed me pictures of all her ex-boyfriends, told me how she met them, what happened, ect.

Oversharing, poor boundaries, and inappropriate behavior.  Seriously - too much too soon.  If a person is immature they are going to do really inappropriate things and not have a good gauge on things like this.

What did you do when she did this?  Looking back now do you think your choices would have different?

[paperlung]

Especially during the first few months of dating, every time we got together she would mention at least one of them to me for one reason or another.

Could be a lot of reasons... .   emotional memory etc, to gauge your emotional attachment to see if you get jealous, etc.

Another thing, which in hindsight was a huge that I ignored was that on the first day we met, she showed me pictures of all her ex-boyfriends, told me how she met them, what happened, ect.

Oversharing, poor boundaries, and inappropriate behavior.  Seriously - too much too soon.  If a person is immature they are going to do really inappropriate things and not have a good gauge on things like this.

What did you do when she did this?  Looking back now do you think your choices would have different?

Did you get a chance to read my story?

I was a shy, 21-year-old virgin when I met her. Never had a girlfriend before. Never kissed a girl either. I had read online that it's a no-no to talk about ex's on the first date, so when she brought them up to me I did kind of think to myself, "Huh, that's kind of weird, but whatever. They're just mean-nothing ex's now." I just kind of nodded my a head politely with a smile.

That wasn't the only thing she shared with me quickly. She told me she loved me not even two weeks into dating, which didn't catch me by surprise; I could tell she was pretty infatuated with me. It made me feel pretty uncomfortable though, and the first time I said, "I love you, too" felt really forced.

Looking back, with the experience I've gained, I would've recolonized the red flag and probably split.

[Wooddragon]

Yes a lot! One in particular that was the only one he didn't paint black on some level. She seemed to be above criticism - she lived in the same suburb still & they have mutual friends. Early on he showed me numerous pictures of them together, showed me the house where she lives, her business etc. I could never compete with how perfect she was (apparently). I knew more of her life history than he knew about mine! It was a real issue for me & I ended up become fixated with her, paranoid & convinced that I would never be "good enough".

It's one of the aspects of relating to him that makes me so grateful he is no longer around.

[mitchell16]

yes mine did all the time in the beginning. She was always talking about her first husbadn who she had a child with. She loved him but he was always making her do thinsg she didnt want to do, he was lazy and un motivated, she did feel safe with him. He made her feel insecure about her looks, blah blah blah. Thats why she left him. Of course as our relationship progress I learned that she ahd 4 affairs in him during eh 14 years that they were togther. 2 he knew about and 2 she claims she never told him about. So i really wonder now if he was as bad as she says he was. I doubt it he just got sick of trying to please her and gave up. Smart man. Her second ex husband I heard about all the time about how she was so in love him but he was just to messed up to make it work. The had an on/off again for 10 years. But she blamed all of her problems with relationships on these 2 men and her father. But who really knows. I think it was a way to control me because their good points she bragged about I wanted to top and their bad points I never wanted to do. So she used those two to whip me with the whole two years. another thing she would do was brag about friends husband for anything they did for their wives. even what I did cost twice the money or took twice as much time or I worked twice as hard. She would always brag about so so husband and say things like I need a man like that. It all dont right insulting and sickening that I would put up with that.

[GreenMango]

Especially during the first few months of dating, every time we got together she would mention at least one of them to me for one reason or another.

Could be a lot of reasons... .   emotional memory etc, to gauge your emotional attachment to see if you get jealous, etc.

Another thing, which in hindsight was a huge that I ignored was that on the first day we met, she showed me pictures of all her ex-boyfriends, told me how she met them, what happened, ect.

Oversharing, poor boundaries, and inappropriate behavior.  Seriously - too much too soon.  If a person is immature they are going to do really inappropriate things and not have a good gauge on things like this.

What did you do when she did this?  Looking back now do you think your choices would have different?

Did you get a chance to read my story?

I was a shy, 21-year-old virgin when I met her. Never had a girlfriend before. Never kissed a girl either. I had read online that it's a no-no to talk about ex's on the first date, so when she brought them up to me I did kind of think to myself, "Huh, that's kind of weird, but whatever. They're just mean-nothing ex's now." I just kind of nodded my a head politely with a smile.

That wasn't the only thing she shared with me quickly. She told me she loved me not even two weeks into dating, which didn't catch me by surprise; I could tell she was pretty infatuated with me. It made me feel pretty uncomfortable though, and the first time I said, "I love you, too" felt really forced.

Looking back, with the experience I've gained, I would've recolonized the red flag and probably split.

I love you to soon and where you are feeling forced is red flag.  It's probably a good thing you learn red flags young rather than old and seriously invested in the relationship.

Steep learning curve.