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[Cmjo]

My dad said he wouldnt believe it was all over after I left my exuBPDh until he saw it on Facebook. I really stopped using Facebook after I moved out last October, not wanting to post anything that might hurt him, or see anything that could hurt me... . like what he posted last Easter when I was on our first separation... . he said " Happy Easter to everyone, here's to resurrection and a new life... . " Made me choke.

Then a few weeks ago I had a surge of activity, posted a really nice photo of myself looking happy, so many people made nice comments, posted a new page for my new law firm and again got lots of "likes", and oops befriended a couple of guys that I ket on a dating website, either or all of those things, which I should have known better to do really, made him unfriend me.

I am really sad about that, it marks another point of no return like finding another woman's coat in our house (she was actually in our bedroom) one day when went to the old house with my daughter before school.

I decided to send him a new friend request, I would like him to start being civil to me and work towards even being able to discuss the kids together as parents, but he replied by email, you want me to be your "friend"? What is a friend, someone who sticks by you, who shares common interests, who doesnt leave you alone, do you recognise yourself here?"So why should I be your Facebook friend?

Ok so I wont go there again... . its just that I always hold out hope he will learn to accept, learn, forgive, acknowledge, accept, deal with the real issues... . like I felt so abandoned by him emotionally I had no choice but to rescue myself and get out of the conflict... . !

[Shadowlands]

Hi there CMJO,

Sounds like you were making so much progress and then you forgot for a moment that your BPDex doesn't think or act like you do... .

You said you always hold out hope that he will learn to forgive, accept etc... . just like I do by the way with my ex so not judging... . but that will never happen. So if I were you I would leave Facebook to those that have friends and family that they don't see very often (that's what it's for) and of course those who like to show the world how happy they are(n't) by posting every five mins and showing off... . And even if your ex is BPD, seeing all those nice guys you have befriended can't have been nice to see so I probably understand why he de-friended you even though I know it must have hurt you for him to do that.

One thing I have never done since I finished my relationship last year is try to use Facebook to make her think I am now having the time of my life, which wouldn't have been true anyway as getting over a dysfunctional relationship with a possible BPD has been hell!

P.S Are you sure you are over him?... .

Shadowlands.

[Blessed0329]

Cmjo, I deleted my ex from FB 5 weeks ago. It was an incredibly difficult decision for me, because it quietly closed the door we'd both left open a crack. But we were both using FB to send each other coded messages via our postings. Now we cannot do this anymore. I made sure I waited until it didn't appear to be in response to something specific he posted, because my action was not about that. I know it upset him, for quite a while. But it was something necessary for me to be able to stop looking back at him, and begin looking forward. Be glad he didn't accept your friend request. In the long run, he has done you a favor.

[mtmc01]

Mine deleted me... . if only I didn't still have a way of viewing her page because of her weird alternate account she set up and told me about. 

[Cmjo]

Shadowlands, you are absolutely right. I need FB as I live abroad so have lots of friends and family back home. I did keep very low profile for first few months, I am a private person.

Am I over him? No, I was with him 12 years and we have two kids... . and I have many happy memories, he was good to me in many ways, he tried really hard and could be a fantastic partner,but the BPD side of him is cruel and angry and dark and abusive, and I lost trust in him because I was always anxious he was going to switch personality. But I am so relieved I got out, I dont want to be angry but forgive. I dont know how to be angry. thats why I put up with it for so long.

I want us to be friends... . parents... . respectful to each other... . civil, but you are right, he doesnot have the same vocabulary as me, or ever use words like acceptance, forgiveness, acknowledgement, balance, understanding, communication, he is most comfortable being in an angry place.

You are right he did me a favour, we need to separate our lives now. I dont regret asking him to refriend me but his reaction has helped me move ahead another step.