Did I make a mistake?

[hellokitty4]

So BPD best friend is still on vacation. The other day I got a text from her with the code word "Hey" which means " call me." So I did. My call went to voicemail... . all 4 times and I let her know by text. She said she never got them, no missed calls on her phone, no voicemail notifications. She said she was getting calls from everyone except from the one she wants to hear from.  Now mind you she's in an area in Florida where the cell connection is very spotty. She raged about me not getting through and blamed my phone.  The next day she got all of my voice mail messages. She called me from an area with better cell coverage.

Tonight I thought why not try calling again. Couldn't connect again so I left a voicemail and sent her a text letting her know that I tried to reach her. She said her phone didn't even ring. When I responded I couldn't not tell her that I miss her because I truly do. I knew she might not like me saying that but I said it anyway... No response. Should I not have told her that miss her? Hadn't seen her since last Saturday and rarely contacted her and this is the first time I said anything about missing her. I think I will greet her tomorrow for Easter and leave her alone.

Thoughts? Suggestions?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Why do you thing it was a mistake to be honest. Are you concerned about being honest or by her reactions.

Your actions cannot be reactionary or you will forever doubt yourself

Can you clarify why you believe this may have been the wrong thing to do.?

[hellokitty4]

Why do you thing it was a mistake to be honest. Are you concerned about being honest or by her reactions.

Your actions cannot be reactionary or you will forever doubt yourself

Can you clarify why you believe this may have been the wrong thing to do.?

I am concerned about her reaction. The last time she went away, when I told her that I missed her, she felt engulfed and  she pulled away. It was okay for her to tell me that she misses me but not the other way around.

Did not hear back from her yet.

[Rockylove]

I am concerned about her reaction.

Walking on eggshells.   

[waverider]

Why do you thing it was a mistake to be honest. Are you concerned about being honest or by her reactions.

Your actions cannot be reactionary or you will forever doubt yourself

Can you clarify why you believe this may have been the wrong thing to do.?

I am concerned about her reaction. The last time she went away, when I told her that I missed her, she felt engulfed and  she pulled away. It was okay for her to tell me that she misses me but not the other way around.

Did not hear back from her yet.

Dont worry about what is fair or apparent one sided behavior. That is life with BPD, it is an unwinnable issue.

Your actions need to be based on what you think is right, taking other people into consideration. If you say or do something that gets a poor reaction then dont beat yourself over it. If it was important to you to do or say something then do it. If it is not important then let it slide.

As a general guide when dealing with a pwBPD you will get it wrong a lot of the time (even if it was actually right, if you know what I mean  )

When you are pulled up for  "doing the wrong thing" let it wash, dont get drawn into Justifying, defending and over explaining, otherwise it will just escalate into something else and go off topic.

Otherwise your entire behavior will be retrained to parrot the other person. The goal posts will keep moving and you will loose yourself

[hellokitty4]

Thank you, Waverider. I love everything you said and I will keep reading your post as a reminder. I know I didn't say anything wrong bec that was what I was feeling [stil do]. It's up to her how she wants to process it.She could very well take it the wrong way and think I'm coddling her. But for me, that is my truth. Take it or leave it. I never expect to hear it in return although her actions in the past couple of days speaks louder than anything she can say. She was in constant text contact with me. Until I told her I missed her.  Then it was less. I will leave her alone for a while.

Give her time to herself.

[waverider]

Give her time to herself.

This is important, often in our over compensating desire to right the wrongs and smooth things over we forget the value of this important gesture. Often this is all they need, and by intruding we can often invalidate their basic desire to be left alone.