Building self-worth, self-esteem and trust

[Depression = 72% of members]

Evening everyone,

I'm working with my therapist on this but would appreciate some input.

Prior to meeting my ex I really liked myself. In fact most people did as evidenced by my social life and number of friends. Then I got hit by something personal (major illness) while with my ex (first year together, during the extended honeymoon phase) which allowed him to get a hold on me.

Since becoming single 19 months ago my biggest issue is that I don't trust people. I've come to realize that the real issue is I don't trust myself. I don't see value in myself as I once did. (It actually pains/embarrasses me to write this. Prior to this relationship and getting ill, I would never have thought I could suffer from self- esteem/worth issues. Self esteem/worth issues happened to other people - Not me. How the mighty have fallen ... .   LOL)

As I'm now being honest with myself, I can see where to focus my attention.

Any suggestions for increasing/building self esteem/worth?

[Finished]

Evening everyone,

I'm working with my therapist on this but would appreciate some input.

Prior to meeting my ex I really liked myself. In fact most people did as evidenced by my social life and number of friends. Then I got hit by something personal (major illness) while with my ex (first year together, during the extended honeymoon phase) which allowed him to get a hold on me.

Since becoming single 19 months ago my biggest issue is that I don't trust people. I've come to realize that the real issue is I don't trust myself. I don't see value in myself as I once did. (It actually pains/embarrasses me to write this. Prior to this relationship and getting ill, I would never have thought I could suffer from self- esteem/worth issues. Self esteem/worth issues happened to other people - Not me. How the mighty have fallen ... .   LOL)

As I'm now being honest with myself, I can see where to focus my attention.

Any suggestions for increasing/building self esteem/worth?

[Mara2]

This is what I am doing- I moved the furniture around, which I was never allowed to do.  I like it this way!  Then I tell myself that I am a capable person. 

Do something for yourself and when it turns out great congratulate yourself. 

[charred]

In addition to moving furniture, you might want to pick up a copy of ":)aring to Trust" by David Richo, its on opening ourselves to real love and intimacy and is a whole book on exactly what you are asking about... . and its good. Far cheaper than a T.

[Maryiscontrary]

Charred, this author you suggested is fantastic. I just looked up some of his stuff. Really, really good. Thanks much.

Finished, maybe your "previous" sense of self esteem was built on a proverbial house of cards.

I have huge issues with trust. For me, it's not really self esteem, per se, but a glaring perceptual deficit that really freaks me out. Like color blindness. I cannot easily navigate complicated second order theories of mind.

For me, it is simply looking at this perceptual black hole without freaking out, and seeing if I can find any patterns I can work with. For instance, if one is blind, discerning shadows and texture of Braille text and working with those if discerning shapes and color is not possible. Do you see what I mean?

Finished, the truth is, not a lot of people are worthy of deep trust. This is a very hard truth to swallow. People often live lives like a two dimensional reality tv show. I can't change this, and neither can you. I suppose the thing to do is to just really realize this and adjust accordingly.

[Finished]

Thanks for the responses. 

No, my previous sense of self worth/esteem was strong. There truly are some things in life that occur that can unravel even the strongest of people. Finding out I have a life changing, chronic illness changed the way I see myself and my place in the world. Realizing that people view me differently is part of that. Unfortunately, how I see myself changed also. Honestly, I was so thankful that my ex didn't leave that I put up with his actions too much. Many of my childhood issues that I had dealt with previously in therapy were re-activated during this time. Essentially, I went from strong, confident and independent to scared, needy and insecure. Something I've learned is that our issues stay with us our whole lives. We learn to make peace with them and accept them. We learn to live with our own histories. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean they can't come back provided the right set of circumstances.

Due to the last six years of my life I've simply lost faith in myself and my abilities. Add into the mix the ex-dxBPD and I found myself in a downward spiral.

Since the break-up I've been thinking that the issue is, as has been stated, that most people are not worthy of trust. Which is depressing to me. Living a life where I"m always guarded isn't living free ... .   to me it's living in fear.

Then I realized that the issue isn't external. It's internal. I need to rebuild myself as I am today. I've been wishing for the person I was years ago and that person will not come back. Unfortunately, I haven't started a new chapter in my life but a whole new book and I'm having to get used to it.

It's not that people aren't trustworthy. It's that I need to learn to trust myself again. The way to do that is to rebuild my self-esteem and self-worth. To learn to see value in the person I am today.

This is the focus of my therapy sessions now. Learning who I am today. What I want today. I may never be the person I was years ago, but I can be strong person again.

I'll check out the reading suggestions. 

Love the idea about doing something and then congratulating yourself for doing a great job - change that internal dialog

[maria1]

Finished

I am with you. I felt the same before BPDex. Or did I? I do wonder if there were issues of self loathing deep, deep down that I really haven't got to yet. I glimpse them occasionally. These feelings do not, I think, fully define me as a person but they are there. They are there because my parents never really liked me much. I grew to like myself but deep down there's a voice that is still there. For example I never wore skirts because my mother once told me not to. She said I have 'bad knees' when I was about 12/13.

From about the age of 40 I started to wear skirts and I look good in them. I know this and I have had this validated externally. It's a minor thing really but it serves as a good example I think. If somebody told me a few times I look bad in skirts I'd probably believe them over myself. That's where I need to learn to trust me.

I think the other posters here are spot on. There aren't many people out there worthy of our/ your trust. I'm going to get that book.

I'm playing about with internet dating. It is helping me find good people amongst many wrong uns. I'm not looking to marry them but it is just helping me build trust in the world that there are a few people out there. I'm not opening up to people, just very slowly getting to know w few men, little by little. Some of them are bad, some of them are good, some of them are in between. It's all human beings and it's good for me to stay open to people, and open to new friendships. But I'm keeping myself protected.

We took the red pill, Finished. Life is harder on the other side but it's real. Not many people know that truth.

[Finished]

Finished, maybe your "previous" sense of self esteem was built on a proverbial house of cards.

BTW, thanks. As I wrote the original post I knew that someone might state this. I'm glad you did as defending that I had self-esteem was good for me. Writing it out was a good exercise. I had thought that the major event in my life was the four years with my ex-dxBPD. Don't get me wrong. That event was devestating. But what changed during that time was how I saw myself due to major life circumstances changing. The sad truth is that I've been focusing on the wrong thing in the healing process.

[Finished]

This is what I am doing- I moved the furniture around, which I was never allowed to do.  I like it this way!  Then I tell myself that I am a capable person. 

Do something for yourself and when it turns out great congratulate yourself. 

What type of things do you do to congratulate yourself?

[charred]

Even better than the trust book might be a book I have been reading; "Healing Your Aloneness, Finding Love and Wholeness Through Your Inner Child"... . which has a lot of very specific suggestions on how to go from negative Ego low self esteem back to positive healthy adult with connections to your feelings (aka inner child)... . inner based high self esteem.

I was looking for something to get back in touch with my feelings... . I felt so beat down by my exBPDgf that I was suppressing my needs/bad feelings a good deal of the time. Was reading a book and realized I hadn't eaten breakfast, lunch or dinner... . was that out of touch with needs. Book is helping to make me realize how I had supressed my feelings, and it took over the top emotions to really get a rise out of me (like the pwBPD had)... . and that in dealing with people from my ego, it couldn't have went well... . and didn't.

I am not expressing the nature of the book very well, I read a lot... . its one of the best books on getting past your inner pain I have read... .   only one that made perfect sense.

[bb12]

Hi Finished

I think some of the Cognitive Behavioural Therapy stuff can be good for this

Write down how you feel about a certain situation. Find the thought or belief behind that feeling. Then negate that thought belief with three examples

e.g.

I feel like I don't fit in and I'm very self conscious = feeling

I'm too old to still be out at bars. I am taking up space that belongs to someone younger = belief / thought

1. There are plenty of other people my age in this bar

2. It's only been 18 months since my break-up and I came to this bar back then. If I wasn't too old then, how can I be now?

3. I'm not going to meet anyone in my living room!

This sort of stuff helps me a lot. There is alway a negative belief behind every feeling. We just need to challenge those and self-esteem will lift

Bb12

[Mara2]

What kinds of things do I do to congratulate myself?  The first thing was moving the furniture.  That spurred me to try more things.  I put up new pictures on the walls.  I burned some big brush piles and used the tractor to split some wood that needed stacking.  I started cleaning out the garden to get it ready for planting.  When I get the kitchen cleaned up I look at it and tell myself I did a good job. 

I am trying to let myself make mistakes and be OK with it too.  Maybe I'll try cooking a new kind of food that does not turn out well.  Hey, good for me, I tried it.  

It is exactly as you said- changing the inner dialog.  I've only been at it a week or so, but it sure helps. 

[Finished]

What kinds of things do I do to congratulate myself?  The first thing was moving the furniture.  That spurred me to try more things.  I put up new pictures on the walls.  I burned some big brush piles and used the tractor to split some wood that needed stacking.  I started cleaning out the garden to get it ready for planting.  When I get the kitchen cleaned up I look at it and tell myself I did a good job. 

I am trying to let myself make mistakes and be OK with it too.  Maybe I'll try cooking a new kind of food that does not turn out well.  Hey, good for me, I tried it.  

It is exactly as you said- changing the inner dialog.  I've only been at it a week or so, but it sure helps. 

You have been at the changing inner dialog longer than I have. I didn't realize until a few days ago just how negative mine had become. Congrats on doing it :-)

Making mistakes ... .   That a big one for me ... .   Being ok with making mistakes ... .   It's hard to do when I think about how many I've made in my lifetime ... .   But you are right ... .   Gotta be ok with making mistakes ... .   I guess that's part of forgiving ourselves for our own imperfections ... .  

[Mara2]

And to remind myself that everyone does make mistakes, so it is not just me. 

[charred]

My issue is I had been repressing feelings to the point that I really didn't know what they were... .   so I would get asked what my dreams are, who am I, what am I passionate about... .   and draw a blank. Used to be adrenalin junkie and anything for fun, but beat that down to boring stick in the mud. Having some fun helps, rode an old kids mini bike that was out at my mom's place and could feel a transformation to the old me... .   briefly.

I think the battling in an r/s with a pwBPD... .   can shut down a lot of emotions, more than just your feeling of self worth and ability to trust. The big thing I think I did wrong all my life, was to run from painful emotions, rather than working through them and setting them to rest. Lot of reasons for it, like when I was little we had a newfoundland dog that died when we went on a family vacation (leaving it with relatives)... . and we had a second dog that had to be put to sleep, so after that... . though I like dogs, I have avoided them, with the thought I didn't want to go through the pain of losing them. But that means never having the joy that goes with having them either.

Sometimes the detachment from feelings is simple and ridiculous, I was reading a book the other day and it was getting to be about 7pm in the evening and started feeling sickly... . realized I hadn't eaten... . breakfast, lunch or dinner. Made me wonder sometimes if part of the attraction for the pwBPD was the bigger than life emotions, strong enough to break through repressing emotions, and with no respect for boundaries that keep normal people away... . as there was a whole lot of emoting during the r/s, rather than typical detachment from feelings.

[Maryiscontrary]

I have constructed a pretty healthy self esteem, however, I do not read  some intentions well. I know I am worthy, but I fight with paranoia of being attacked from an emotional blind spot from crappy people who mistake an innocent face and simple demeanor for that of an idiot.

[Finished]

I may be wrong about this but it's how I'm approaching that type of issue Mary ... .

I think that my inability to read people now is due to a lack of faith in myself or a lack of belief in my abilities ... .   Basically, I don't trust myself so why trust others? ... .   What I'm doing and it seems to be working is I'm learning to trust myself (actually much further along than I was 6 months ago) ... .   The more I trust myself the easier it is to identify people who don't belong in my life ... .