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Author Topic: Has anyone tried desperately to get their BPD ex back?  (Read 3899 times)
expos
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« Reply #30 on: April 01, 2013, 09:46:11 PM »

I never officially tried to get my exBPD wife back... .   although I have thought about it often.  I wrote a letter to her that was extremely revealing, honest, and told her how much I really did love her despite all that happened.  I wrote it with intention of moving her to tears.  In fact, my parents actually teared up after they asked to read it.  It was therapeutic and felt good to do so. But there was no begging. 

It's been a full week and I have not received a response back.  I don't think I'll ever receive one.

I made a point to never come off as desperate to her.  I came off desperate to once to a non-BPD gf many years ago and felt so embarrassed by it that I promised I'd never humiliate myself like that again.

I realize that I've been painted black by my ex-wife and she'll never come back... .   which is hard to accept.  I choose to divorce her... .   and even though she filed she'll always know I'm the one decided to end it. 

She is so cold, she won't even tell me what town she lives in and will not tell me a thing about her life.  She will not let me see our dog.  It's very bad.  Talking to her is like talking to a complete stranger now and it is hurtful.  This was someone I was married to, we shared a bed, a home, and 80% of our waking moments were spent together.   I've never experienced such a cut off like this in my entire life, and I've had a lot of girlfriends, most of which I'm still on speaking terms with!

That being said, I'm literally chomping at the bit to meet someone hotter, mentally stable, and a all-around better person begin a new life with.  I know this is the wrong way to go about things, but I'll be patient and wait for the right one to spend my time with.  At this time, I feel this is the only way I'll personally be able to rid my thoughts of her.   

Meanwhile, she'll continue to idealize, de-value, hate, and be lonely again.  And one day, she'll see a photo of me and cry at the wonderful life she squandered. 

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bb12
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« Reply #31 on: April 01, 2013, 09:48:45 PM »

great thread shadowlands - and a big yes from me

my neediness and clingyness was ridiculous and like nothing I had ever witnessed in myself

like you, I could see things from my ex's perspective and 14 months later can even wonder if my codependency issues were greater than his BPD / NPD problems

some of the wiser members on here reminded me that it was a dance... .   with two players. We only respond with desperate neediness because of the devaluing they did to us and our need to right the ship. My ex deflected, blamed, shamed and then discarded all with incomprehensible speed, so I am convinced that even the healthiest person would have pursued for answers.

I eventually stopped trying to win them back when I realised none of this was really about him. They trick us into making the whole r/s about them... .   passively and overtly... .   so half of the problem is the gap they leave. There is no-one left to focus on but ourselves and our own issues... .   and this can be very hard to bear. We try to reduce the anxiety that this causes by pretending to ourselves that we were in love. We were not.

I can still feel the pull of that r/ship at times... .   and would love to find closure. But they won't give that to us. And I will not cave and give him more supply all this time later. He would shake his head with pride if he knew I still had so many questions after all this time.

I would try to flip my desperate need to with my ex back by reminding myself that it was my inner child that was actually screaming out for understanding ... .   and not, in fact, my ex. So I channelled that energy into understand my FOO and the erroneous beliefs instilled in me at a young age. Trying to understand that person is far healthier - and far morely likely to succeed than pursuing a disordered ex

bb12
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trampledfoot
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« Reply #32 on: April 01, 2013, 11:55:39 PM »

Everything I did was met with blame, projection, coldness, and dismissal.  It was a complete dead end that only allowed her six more weeks to tear my confidence and self-esteem to shreds.  I was extremely co-dependent with her, but she was also with me... .   until one day she simply said, "I don't want to do this anymore".  That was it... .   gone... .   she flipped a switch and became a different person.  Nothing logical happened to cause it.  It brought me to my knees.  Their behavior makes you clingy, they want to see you beg, they want to see you suffer, so they have the oppurtunity to project their shame and justify their actions.   I have never felt so much pain.

This has been a fantastic thread I can relate so much to this my gf of 2.5 years after probably a dozen recycles dropped the same exact bomb on me about 30 days ago.  After only days earlier pressuring me to move in together. I received a late night text "I cannot do this any more I dont feel the same" I let her cool off for about two days and went to talk to her.  All I got was more more of the same "I am sorry i dont feel the same you are the most intelligent beautiful motivated man i have ever met but i dont feel anything for you any more." "Thank you for trying to help me" This was literally the only time she has ever apologized in our 2.5 years.  I asked her yet again can we please see a T together. She said she has no desire to work on anything that she doesnt care about. She told me that she met someone who she has a little crush on but doesnt want to pursue him.  I dont want to find out if that is true or not i just need to detach for good. I was extremely emotional the entire time and her level of coldness was unparalleled. She couldn't even give me a hug goodbye.

I have been NC ever since and do largely in part to the help of this board.  I really appreciate the strength this board has given me. I told her when she said this to me that I cannot go on or ever let her back in my life after this unless she agrees to see someone.  My only regret is not finding out about her BPD sooner.
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trampledfoot
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« Reply #33 on: April 01, 2013, 11:59:16 PM »

So I channelled that energy into understand my FOO and the erroneous beliefs instilled in me at a young age. Trying to understand that person is far healthier - and far morely likely to succeed than pursuing a disordered ex

bb12

Great quote this resonates with me.  It is so much easier to work on us and try and find someone new then trying to fix something that isnt fixable
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Ritchie53
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« Reply #34 on: March 07, 2014, 04:47:47 AM »



I'm starting to post on these forums now as it is helping me in the latter stages of healing - a few weeks shy of 6 months no contact.

When mine 'flipped the switch' and no longer wanted anything to do with me, was already wrapped up in her once painted blacker than black ex I went to the new found lows of hundreds of messages, asking to meet, looking for answers etc, she met with me and I dont need to tell the story about how that went - projection, insults, heart break etc. It was then that I, luckily, found out about seeing her ex again - digusted I went no contact immediately - left many unanswered questions and had to work through the emotional turmoil of it all from scratch. 

Personally, no contact is the only way forward but in the early stages of break up it comes at a high price namely almost losing your sanity. I also feel that strict no contact eliminates the chances of them ever reconnecting, I was called stalker, bunny boiler, a monster to women everything - no contact was my tool to start breaking down that image in her head and her troupe of enablers. Strict no contact does slowly repair your self respect, but also I feel it makes you 'unapproachable' to the BPDex.

6 months down the line? Healed - partially. Willing to partake in a new relationship? - maybe, with the correct person. Got my life back - getting there and speeding up now. Yearning for a reconnect - yes, and that is I think my final stage of healing - however I think my strict no contact has aided all of the above but ruined the reconnect. Any thoughts?

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dansure
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« Reply #35 on: March 07, 2014, 05:52:36 AM »

Yeah I tried.

Usually when we broke up, we kept fighting for a while a got back together.

The last time she was different. She started blocking me on messenger such as whatsapp and viber and didn't pick up my calls. She then told me that she doesn't want to see my number on her phone and that I should stop calling or texting her. If I had anything to say I should email her.

The following 2 weeks I tried to call her and talk with her. No chance. She either didn't pick up or when she did she told me how great her life is now, how glad she is that the relationship is over, how she can do things now that she couldn't do because of me and that the relationship was the worst year of her life. I tried again on our anniversary, which was 2 weeks after we broke up. She forgot about the anniversary already, for her the 2 weeks seemed to be like 2 years. At some point she said that she doesn't want to meet me because she is scared of me and thinks I want to beat her up. After telling her that she ever says I want to kill her again or tell other people that I want to do that I would sue her for defamation, I stopped contacting her because I realized that it was simply impossible to talk to her. I called her a couple of weeks later on her birthday and that was when she told me she is already seeing someone else. After that I stopped contacting her ever again and ever since then I don't want her back.

Looking back I assume that she met that other guy shortly before our final break up, because she acted very different from the either times when we broke up. Or maybe it was because for the first time, I said no when she asked me to help her with something.

Anyway, I tried. But once your are painted black and your replacement is in the line it's impossible to have a normal conversation with them.

Apparently some of them try to contact you again later, but mine is the cut off kind of type. I don't think I will ever hear anything from her again. Considering her behavior at the end, I also actually don't want to.

Excerpt
6 months down the line? Healed - partially. Willing to partake in a new relationship? - maybe, with the correct person. Got my life back - getting there and speeding up now. Yearning for a reconnect - yes, and that is I think my final stage of healing - however I think my strict no contact has aided all of the above but ruined the reconnect. Any thoughts?

Which is absolutely for the best, because she is simply insane. The longer you have NC the more you will forget about her. Time can heal any wounds after all.

Looking back I am glad that I tried. Seeing what a cold b!tch she can be helped me to get closure. I don't want to be with a woman who can treat a loved one like that within such a short time after the break up. It's simply insane, BPD or not.
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Ritchie53
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« Reply #36 on: March 07, 2014, 06:08:54 AM »

Excerpt
Anyway, I tried. But once your are painted black and your replacement is in the line it's impossible to have a normal conversation with them.

Apparently some of them try to contact you again later, but mine is the cut off kind of type. I don't think I will ever hear anything from her again. Considering her behavior at the end, I also actually don't want to.

Quote

6 months down the line? Healed - partially. Willing to partake in a new relationship? - maybe, with the correct person. Got my life back - getting there and speeding up now. Yearning for a reconnect - yes, and that is I think my final stage of healing - however I think my strict no contact has aided all of the above but ruined the reconnect. Any thoughts?

Which is absolutely for the best, because she is simply insane. The longer you have NC the more you will forget about her. Time can heal any wounds after all.

Many thanks for the validation of her insanity. The minute my heart was shattered I knew that No Contact and time were my only weapons against the disorder. No Contact has been a process, long and arduous, but it was the only road to take. My goals have fluctuated during that period as well, wanting revenge, wanting an apology, wanting validation that I meant something. Just shy of 6 months I can now safely say that my one want is to have total indifference, and as you said, only time will give me that.
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Allmessedup
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« Reply #37 on: March 07, 2014, 07:58:24 AM »

I am not nearly as far out as you (2 months nc) but I too feel nc has been the only option for me.

I did not feel tempted to beg her back this time... . well I was tempted but I am stubborn and made a promise to myself that I wouldn't.  I had begged her back so many times in the past and this time if she wanted me to stay she was going to have to take some actual accountability for what happened.  Right after the fight I apologized for what I had done wrong... . and I realized it was always me who was saying I am sorry. 

It takes two people to have a fight.  One is not all wrong and one is not all right.  I let her be all right for far too long.

So my stubbornness got me thru at first.  The nc has been what has gotten me thru the worst... . well that and putting the focus back on myself!

Time does heal!  I look back at my journals from even 4 weeks ago and see I am in a much better place than I was then. 

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Ritchie53
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« Reply #38 on: March 07, 2014, 08:30:52 AM »



Really good stuff and very happy that you are on the upwards. I kept a daily journal as well, it helped in the beginning.

Around the 4 to 4.5 month mark I had a bit of a relapse of feelings. From experience, if you get something like this, apparently it is quite normal. I suddenly felt anger, some rage, some depression almost fluctuating throughout the day, little comments or even banter could set me off a little to someone. I can attribute it to the toxicity receding, the spell being broken and also my personal boundaries returning or being formed. I felt ready to start 'mingling' with women again but it felt forced as if a piece or two was missing - overall effect - frustration. The BPDex was long gone, already in new relationship and happier than ever, where I had been licking wounds for months.

It was as though I was feeling all the things I was not allowed to feel during the relationship. I suppose it was my closure to the relationship, one that I manufactured from within. Since that relapse, and because I focussed on bettering myself even though that was extraordinarily difficult at times, things have started getting better, and truly better. If you do get that little relapse mid healing, stay strong and weather the storm, you'll see that its only a passing cloud rather than a torrendous downpour.

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Kallor74
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« Reply #39 on: March 07, 2014, 03:53:12 PM »

Their behavior makes you clingy, they want to see you beg, they want to see you suffer, so they have the oppurtunity to project their shame and justify their actions. 

wow this.  I remember my exBPDgf said that our relationship was "all about contro" and who has the power.  It's like they project this weak unassuming persona but underneath is an alpha predator.
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Ritchie53
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« Reply #40 on: March 10, 2014, 04:53:57 AM »

Excerpt
Their behavior makes you clingy, they want to see you beg, they want to see you suffer, so they have the oppurtunity to project their shame and justify their actions.

wow this.  I remember my exBPDgf said that our relationship was "all about contro" and who has the power.  It's like they project this weak unassuming persona but underneath is an alpha predator.

Snap, its crazy, another example - I am a relatively laid back individual - not a lot flusters me type of person. During idealisation I was her calming influence, her rock, someone she could lean on, during the devaluation, with the same calming influence I was lazy, demotivated, walked around like a 'stoner' and when discard came around I had no go, would never amount to anything, no woman would ever want me and I was no man at all. Its like a ying and yang effect, any quality you have that was idealised at the start is used against you in the most vidictive way by the time the discard comes around. Painful beyind belief and makes you question your own core. Your an instant soulmate and then they start building a picture as to why you are not their soulmate.

'In the beginning they mirrored us and it was wonderful, in the end we mirror them and its horrendous.'

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HealingForMe
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« Reply #41 on: March 10, 2014, 07:06:08 AM »

During idealisation I was her calming influence, her rock, someone she could lean on, during the devaluation, with the same calming influence I was lazy, demotivated, walked around like a 'stoner' and when discard came around I had no go, would never amount to anything, no woman would ever want me and I was no man at all

I had this exact same thing too. Just remember its projection. Its they who feel like they will never amount to anything & no-one will ever want them, so thats what they accuse us of.

Try to ignore it & stay strong  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Lasis
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« Reply #42 on: July 18, 2016, 08:21:10 PM »

Hey Everyone.

I am a not so innocent "victim" of BPD. I met Him nearly 18 months ago. I was married and not in a very good place.
My marriage had been tenuous at best for the last year and my ex and I had been swinging for a few years when HE came over. I felt an immediate connection. We had never met but our worlds had been dancing around eachother for most of our lives. I told my ex how I felt and that I wanted to pursue a relationship with Him. I said I felt a deep connection to Him and I would only accept such in our next sexual partner.
For obvious reasons, that didnt go over well... .But it didnt stop me. In what I can only describe as a selfish rage, I decided to pursue Him. And I did, and it worked.
For the next year He and I were on again off again friends and lovers. All the while my marriage crumbled around my feet. My ex and I attempted marriage counselling, but neither of us was entirely honest about what we going on. Finally almost 4 months ago I left. A year after I should have, and I wish I had then. But I was weak and scared and confused about my situation. But I summoned my courage, and packed my ___.
Within a few weeks... HE and I were back together. He had been open about his mental illness with me for a while. He had disclosed his diagnosis before my ex and I had called it quits. So I went into this knowing he was not well, but he was medicated and seeing a psych nurse weekly. Things were amazing. For 3 months we spoke everyday and saw eachother 3 to 5 times a week. He helped me put in my garden and I helped weed his.
He was still struggling with depression, sometimes my visit was his reason for getting up. I often woke him in the morning, stopping in on my way to work.
After about a month He started calling me his girlfriend and introducing me to his friends and family.I began to do the same. He seemed to feeling more stable and dare I say happy. Around the 3 month mark he met my kids. My son was head over heals for him. They spoke the same language. It was lovely.
To give you a little background at this point I think is necessary. He has a child too. The childs mother is very manipulative amd uses their child as a pawn. She is very hurtful and uses his triggers against him often ( there were times when he would see her then sleep for 3 days).
Anyways, 3 weeks ago he broke my heart. We were at the point where we were seeing eachother almost everyday. He had met my kids. We spent a weekend together, went to the Bay. Played in the water with the kids. Had dinner and a sleep over. He left Sunday morning. He was going to see his daughter so I didnt bother trying to call until the evening. He didnt answer but that is typical of him after spending time with his childs mother.
So I tried him in the morning and got a cryptic text. "Too much bad news. Call you later". When we finally connected after work he dropped me like a sack of hammers. Said it was over. He had spoken with the childs mother and she put things into perspective and he called me a fantasy. Too good to be true, he got carried away. He didnt want a relationship.
I have tried to contact him since with little success. Save for returning items... .All of which at first he instsited I throw away because it "hurts to much to see me".
I am devastated. I honestly felt like this man was connected to me the way i felt connected to him. Like he was my companion. I felt I could be myself around him and accepted him as he was without wanting anything more than his company. Reciprocity was, I thought, the basis of our relationship.
I guess I was wrong.
I am on here looking for closure I doubt I will get from him. I have read about a lot of people who were ditched over night when they thought their partner was in love too. Bpd is a hard road I have come to understand.
I am still in that holding on for dear life stage. I have this hope that is so deep within me, that perhaps he will see what he has tossed aside and let me back in. Like before when I was still married and we were on again off again.
I text him good morning daily still.
Outwardly I am trying to move on, but in my heart of hearts I know I would drop everything for him.
Thats sad. Pathetic really.
How do you cope with this feeling of utter rejection? I am at a loss.
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StayStrongNow
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« Reply #43 on: July 18, 2016, 09:32:23 PM »

Yes 4 times in fact, after these futile attempts (I did not know she was s BPD at the time) the same thing occurred, she punched and kicked me repetivetively. Once she almost killed my children and me while I was driving on the expressway going 65mph by beating on me, throwing the GPS at my head and throwing everything in the glove compartment at me. It still took me sometime after that to break away from this possessed demon.

Now I know better, I know about this nightmare brain disease that has no cure. I cut my loses and have slammed the door shut for good.

Knowledge of BPD is now my strength to move on with my life.
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