Some people won't like me

[rogerroger]

I posted about this on another board, but it came as a sort of epiphany to me worth sharing here, I thought.

One of the things that made me vulnerable to continued manipulations in my relationship is that I have a hard time accepting it when people are angry or dislike me. I have a tendency to think that I need to make an effort to change their feelings. I need to engage them in dialog to get them to accept me even if only by agreeing to disagree.

But I don't need to play this game. Maybe such efforts would pay off, but they may not always be worth the energy investment. So what if someone doesn't like me? Sometimes that's their problem, not mine.

[jaird]

That sounds like me too-people pleaser, placater, try to fix and solve everything. Do anything to avoid a confrontation.

This type of personality is supposed to be attracted to BPDs. We want to fix them and help them, and we take their rage and wonder what we did to cause it and try to calm them down.

[laelle]

***raises hand.  Me too.

[maria1]

Sometimes that's their problem, not mine.

And sometimes it's not anybody's problem. What if it wasn't a problem? Everybody can't like everybody. I don't and I bet you don't. It's OK.

Nice to see you on PI Rogerroger 

[recoil]

I'm this way as well.  I also care what other people think about me.  I'm trying to unlearn this.

[sunrising]

count me in... .      

I don't do well with perceived rejection or lack of complete admiration, especially when it comes from a partner.  The second I sense it, I go into defense mode.  If they don't like me as much as I want them to, even if it's just at the moment, they must be missing something about my feelings toward them and I'd better start explaining like h*ll how their perception is off.  You can imagine how difficult this was for me in a relationship with a pwBPD traits.  My commitment and loyalty always seemed to be under scrutiny, even though I knew I was brimming with both.   I've had partners who I think really did like me for me.  But even with them, I had trouble handling any criticism or perceived criticism.

I've come to believe wanting everyone to like me is one of several symptoms of my codependency.  Of course I want my partner to love me for who I am.  But if they don't, that just makes them someone I shouldn't be with rather than someone who needs further convinced.  I can rationalize it, just have to learn to live it. 

[sheepdog]

Definitely me as well!

[Cumulus]

I'm the same, people pleaser. Want everyone to like me everyone to get along. I came across this quote, wish I had thought of it, but its not mine:

Don't try and win over the haters... .   you're not the jackass whisperer.

Love it

[AnotherPhoenix]

Hello,

I understand this. I used to feel this way, and I sometimes still have to remind myself that i don't need to.

But, you know what. People did and do like me. I bet most people like each of you as well.

But, I was scared of them not liking me. I was scared of offending them.

The funny thing was, I got along better with them when I was who I was and sometimes offended them than when I was scared of offending them!

So, that's where I'm at now, being who I am and where I'm at emotionally when I'm around people. Being quiet when I feel like it, and being more talkative when I want. Speaking up or asking if I want something without feeling like I need to apologe. Being playful when I want. It seems to be working very well for me so far.

I'm still working at it. It still feels weird, but I am able to turn off the monitor inside my head and just enjoy whatever happens. And, I'm learning to not examine or critique my behavior. Just remembering the good interactions.

AnotherPheonix  

[Clearmind]

 

Me too!

We all have our own history - I certainly know that my view of the world will naturally be different to other folks - just as theirs will naturally be different to mine.

Its respecting a difference in opinion and yes knowing that we will not click with everyone! It sometimes helps to see the broader picture.

Do you like everyone you meet? Do you click with everyone you meet? Nope! Me neither    It really helps to see it with a balanced perspective and understand that we are not the only ones with this view. Others are thinking the same about themselves.

The difference being - how comfortable are you being you? Permit yourself to shine for who you are - not what others want you to be in order to fit their ideal.

[AnotherPhoenix]

We all have our own history - I certainly know that my view of the world will naturally be different to other folks - just as theirs will naturally be different to mine.

Its respecting a difference in opinion and yes knowing that we will not click with everyone! It sometimes helps to see the broader picture.

Do you like everyone you meet? Do you click with everyone you meet? Nope! Me neither    It really helps to see it with a balanced perspective and understand that we are not the only ones with this view. Others are thinking the same about themselves.

Amen.

I'm learning how to appreciate and respect that other people have other views and ways of doing things that I don't like. It adds more spice to life.

AnotherPheonix

[Maryiscontrary]

I know that this will come out wrong. I say screw them. A person who will not negotiate, nor responds to honest attempts of communication, or who picks a snit for no reason can go screw themselves.

They are very welcomed to their opinions, but if they pick a Jerry springer snit with me, they are out.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Don't try and win over the haters... .   you're not the jackass whisperer.

Love it

Funny!

[AnotherPhoenix]

Don't try and win over the haters... .   you're not the jackass whisperer.

Love it

Funny!

My best laugh of the morning. 

Scarlet: I like the saying at the end of your post!

Still   

AnotherPheonix   

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Scarlet: I like the saying at the end of your post!

Still   

AnotherPheonix   

It always makes me smile, it's such a good motto 

You have a cool name 

PS

Sorry, don't mean to hijack the tread

[sheepdog]

Me too!

We all have our own history - I certainly know that my view of the world will naturally be different to other folks - just as theirs will naturally be different to mine.

Its respecting a difference in opinion and yes knowing that we will not click with everyone! It sometimes helps to see the broader picture.

Do you like everyone you meet? Do you click with everyone you meet? Nope! Me neither    It really helps to see it with a balanced perspective and understand that we are not the only ones with this view. Others are thinking the same about themselves.

The difference being - how comfortable are you being you? Permit yourself to shine for who you are - not what others want you to be in order to fit their ideal.

I am going to print this out and read it every day.

Maybe someday down the road it will stick.