"uBPD/exso calling & texting my friend for info and to assist in reconcile

[igiveup]

I posted about ten days ago re: recent break up with uBPDexso (engaged for about a year).  We have been NC for about a month and in that month he has managed -- we think -- to get into my facebook account, the data settings on my phone were changed by "someone" yesterday, and I've received several emails begging to get back together.  Last week he left a VM after it was discovered that a fur coat belonging to me was in his closet, so I arranged with my girlfriend of 20 years to coordinate with him to get it.  I had no part in the orchestration.  It was strictly between the two of them.  He had never met her in the 4 years we were off/on again, but knew that she was my friend.  The exchange of my coat last week took less than one minute, there was no more than a handshake and a thank-you between them, but now he has begun texting and texting and texting her asking what he can do to get me back, am I seeing someone else, will she help persuade me to return, do I still love him or am I done, etc... .   She responded to him only to say she was involved as a favor to get my coat and nothing else.  But he won't stop bugging her.  Finally, last night, he called her from an unrecognized phone # and she answered.  A 30-minute conversation ensued where he became an obsessive broken record of how can he get me back, confessing to her what mistakes he made and what he "thinks" went wrong (which he has made up his own "truth" as to what happened), and then started the "well, I know things about her that you might not know" and tried to paint me as some sort of a Jezebel.  Now, my friend has an uBPD mother and knows exactly what he's trying to do so she gets it, and told him after he went on a non-stop vent not to contact her again.  She's also been married 20 years very happily and my ex is not hitting on her, but what he's doing is INVADING every facet of my life that he can get into and it's making me furious!  I'm starting to feel that he'll stop at nothing to find out what I'm doing, what I'm thinking, where I'm going and I'm afraid he's going to start contacting anyone he can that he knows I talk to.  What can I do about this?  Am I just supposed to sit here and let him go to everybody he can and make an ass of himself and try to put me in a bad light while he's pleading with that person to help him get me back?  This is CRAZY and I feel so helpless/powerless over the unrelenting angst of this nutcase!

[Shadowlands]

Hi there,

Sorry to hear that this is causing you so much stress. Sounds like he is co-dependent but what makes you think he is BPD? I read your posts before replying to understand a bit more about the time you had together but there was only detail on the break up.

You are using words to describe him like 'nutcase' and his behaviour clearly sounds like he won't accept things but that happens in many relationship break ups... .  

Shadowlands.

[Shadowlands]

Apologies... .  

Just found and read the rest if them.

Are sure we aren't talking NPD here rather than BPD?... .  

[igiveup]

I shouldn't be using words like nutcase, etc... .   I'm letting my emotions get the best of me here.  I've been reading about various personality disorders for the last few weeks, and technically, since he is undiagnosed, I "believe" he is a blend of narcissistic/borderline/obsessive compulsive personality disorder (OCPD -- not OCD).   I am not a therapist, however he is in therapy after having acknowledged that he believes that "he has problems", in his words.  He is 54, has been engaged 4 times, never married and although I do not know what led to the failure of his other relationships, I have a fairly good idea.  There is much more I've experienced in this relationship, aside from this phone call I mentioned, that I haven't elaborated on, simply because I find it exhausting to dredge it all up again, but in summary, ALL these traits below characterize the relationship and the events that have occurred.  After having found out the "symptoms" of the various disorders, what I was experiencing all makes more sense as to what was happening.   

The real question regarding my prior post tho is, how do I deal with this kind of an issue?  There are no boundaries here.  He will call or email whoever he damn well pleases, and has done so in the past... .   emailing my friends on facebook who he never met and who live in another state.  He has shown up at my job.  Shown up at my house after FOUR MONTHS knocking on my doors, front to back to front to back.  The police had to scare him out of there.  He is extremely invasive, persistent and I've been warned by some of his former friends that the last girl had to deal with this for an entire year until he gave up -- that was when he met me, the replacement.

Resolution with interpersonal upsets is virtually

impossible. Twisting your words and distorting the facts is common, and the two

of you keep circling the drain with no end to the problem in sight.

The Borderline may seem like they're comprehending the immediate concern, and is

on-board with what you're trying to put forth -- but this same

issue resurfaces next time a similar event occurs, and you feel like you're

replaying the same old broken record.

*Stalking; following/shadowing you, incessant text or phone messages, etc. Always checking in with you (and up on

you). Suffocating/smothering.

*Abandonment issues; intense, irrational

fears/concerns that you'll leave, or someone will steal you away from them.

*Anxiety issues, Panic Disorder or Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD).

*Cognitive distortion or thought disordered. Strangely incongruent responses to

your attempts to communicate openly, or problem solve.

*Extreme jealousy; tries to separate you from all other attachments.

*Makes you doubt your perceptions, or think you're going crazy.

*Highly manipulative and controlling. Your sense of

identity and autonomy is severely compromised in a relationship with a

Borderline.

*Subtle or obvious attempts to re-engage you, suck you back into

their life, seduce and manipulate you, etc. BPD's use pitiful outcries for help,

or sneaky efforts to reach You through your kids, your friends or relatives.

*Needy, clingy or overly dependent.

*Physical ailments/sickly, aches and painsn

[Shadowlands]

Mmmmmm.

Sounds like it's time for a harassment charge. You mention the Police scaring him away so I am assuming you have made formal complaints. Have you built up the evidence?