Did/do they try and change your appearance?

[Dave44]

Did your ex ever try and change your appearance? A couple of months into our relationship she started making subtle jokes about my hair style. Nothing bad but she started to subtlety poke fun at it. At first I laughed it off but as time went on I started to wonder if maybe she was being serious? After a while I started to feel a bit insecure about it and questioned her asking if she was being serious? She was very passive aggressive about it, never being mean about it but it became clear that she didn't really like it. I remember one evening where she had her laptop out on the couch while we were watching TV and she had brought up photos of George Cloony's hair style and was showing me how sexy it looked and how good I would look with that style. She asked if she could try and style my hair like that one day, I said yea sure. So one evening I sat on her bed with her kids there as she tried to mold my hair into a similar style as his. She loved it! Said how sexy I looked with it like that. Even had her kids give their opinions. I wasn't big on it and never "made the change" but it sure confused me. Especially during the very early stages she said that was one of the things that attracted her to me -- my hair style. I thought it was kind of odd and like I said her snide remarks although not mean deffinetely made me self conscious.

She also later started commenting on how I dressed. Now I dress vey good. I take great pride in how I look. I always put effort into my appearance and dress very sharp. She would make subtle comments on that too. Saying things like "why do you always ware name brand stuff?", or "why does it matter what the shirt says on it?" or "it's kind off preppy dont you think?" or "I'd never be able to go clothes shopping for you cuz what you ware isn't my style". Once again this really confused me as in the early stages she always commented on how well I dressed. Again, although she was never mean about it or came out and straight up said "I don't like the way you dress" it still made me a little self conscious.

Is this a common BPD trait or just something specific to my experiance?

[mtmc01]

It's emotional abuse. I know, because I was an abuser.

[trevjim]

Mine used to moan about how I would only wear my best clothes when going out and that I would wear my 'comfy' clothes around the house. She said I didn't make an effort for her. Although I can see where she is coming from, I felt it a little demanding.

She did buy me a few items over the years and did hate some clothes I had, although I personaly couldn't tell the differance in the ones she liked and didnt to be honest!

Probably not a BPD thing, maybe a relationship thing.

[VeryFree]

No she thought I was fine the way I was.

Strange thing: at a certain point I gained to much weight and felt I had to loose 20 pounds. She had big problems with that and would not support me, but discourage me.

[goodguy]

Yup, she got in bad moods when I talked about how much weight I was losing and in how much better shape I had gotten. Also begged to try putting makeup on me, which I of course thought ridiculous and would never allow.

[Vegasskydiver]

My exBPDbf constantly praised me but at the same time he felt that every guy was looking at me when I really didn't notice it.  He would start fights with me if I was wearing something that he percieved to be too sexy if he wasn't with me.  When I first started dating him I mostly wore scrubs.  He only wanted me to wear scrubs that were two sizes too big for me... .   He once surprised me for lunch and I was wearing scrub bottoms and a long sleeved tee shirt that was fitted but certainly not too tight and he proceeded to try and break up with me because he said that to wear something like that I must be a "man collector."  It was absolutely horrible how controlling he was... .   but I still loved him

[mtmc01]

Mine actually did get angry at me sometimes seemingly for just being in shape. She'd be like you're too much better looking than me, which was ridiculous. She is beautiful. One time I sent her a goofy shirtless picture when I was away on business as a joke of people that do those silly bathroom pictures, and she got upset. When I said I wanted to get on a better workout regimen again and start running again she was like, but oh you're already better looking than me it's not fair.

[SarahinMA]

Mine actually did get angry at me sometimes seemingly for just being in shape. She'd be like you're too much better looking than me, which was ridiculous. She is beautiful. One time I sent her a goofy shirtless picture when I was away on business as a joke of people that do those silly bathroom pictures, and she got upset. When I said I wanted to get on a better workout regimen again and start running again she was like, but oh you're already better looking than me it's not fair.

After the last time my ex devalued me over text, I lost a lot of weight due to depression (a sign of a healthy relationship, I know).  I was so sad and hurt, I lost my appetite and just couldn't eat anything.  My ex knew how I had lost the weight and commented that he had gained all the weight I had lost.  I forgot all about that, but it was just another jab. 

[mango_flower]

Dave - in all likelihood, it wasn't about trying to change how you looked - but a way of belittling you and knocking you down so you'd feel more dependent on her.  A way of getting control in order that you'd feel bad about yourself and never leave.

For me, my ex thought I was perfect as I was.  She overlooked when I gained weight, still told me everyday how beautiful I was.  I don't envy any of you who have had awful BPD exes who did nasty things - but it does make me sad in some ways that I have NO bad things to fall back on when we were together (only after we ended) - I wonder if it would be easier if I felt anger... .   x

[findingmyselfagain]

Actually, yes. She "encouraged" me to change my style so my hair was a little spiked in front. For some reason she worked really hard to get me to ditch my glasses for contacts. I have very serious astigmatism so the contacts tired me out after a short time. She also researched diabetes (my condition) like there was no tomorrow and "encouraged" me to get some new devices to monitor my blood sugar. It really didn't make a huge difference. I know she would wear her contacts until her eyes were sore b/c she didn't want to wear her glasses. I don't think she liked the way she looked. But I don't doubt it was a form of control, too. We spent countless hours shopping together for clothes for her and for me. I admit I liked the attention at the time and mistook the neediness/clinginess for "love" and believed that she liked me. Now I know it was more or less b/c she just plain NEEDED someone. It's difficult at first, but I've started to see the blessing and lesson in all of it. Why did I let this person in so quickly and take care of things that were really unnecessary b/c I'm an adult!