16weeks of NC and still ruminating

[stevenq]

I just made 16weeks of NC but im still ruminating! Im angry about that because its a waist of energy! I know shes probably not even thinking about me which makes me even more angry! I just got a really good job and a part of me wants to rub it in her face. You see we used to argue about  me getting a high paying job someday and now i finally got it. I guess im venting! Im just tired of thinking about her at least once a day! When will this end!

[Clearmind]

Steven, NC does not “cause” us to detach it is simply an act that lessens the blow when we are that stage of trauma - right after the break.

Rather than feverishly protecting NC – have you dug deep as to why you may be ruminating? What it is in you that is creating the hook?

We attach ourselves to a Borderline for a very good reason. That reason is not who your ex is but what she symbolizes.

[Dazed@Confused]

I know what you mean!  I'm going through the same.  She picked up her stuff and saw her last in Jan. Received texts off an on until the end of Feb.  Nothing since.  Meanwhile, I've focused on myself with yoga, started hiking, lost 30 lbs, in the process of purchasing a house within the next 3 months, more financially stable than I have ever been , just celebrated 11yrs at my job and yet thoughts of her are constantly in my mind.  At 37, she lives with her parents, sleeps on their couch, raising her daughter from her 2nd failed relationship.  Her son from her first marriage has moved out and on and is doing well.  She works as a temp unless  she was hired on, let go or temp job extension in Feb.  Has no savings.  Lives paycheck to paycheck.  Yet I miss her so.  Why?  Like she told me once not long ago, "She has done better, can do better, will do better.  There is nothing I can offer her that she cannot live with out."  I'm finding that no matter how hard I tried; and I tried with all my heart, It wasn't me.  Yet I feel guilty for thinking I am better off without her.  Though everything so far points to that.  And again, I miss her. 

In the same boat as you.  Stay strong and focused!

[MakeItHappen]

I hear ya. It's very hard to let it all go because it doesn't make any sense.

It also makes you think about yourself. What got you hooked?

At least, that's how it all makes me feel.

It's been about 6 weeks of NC and my exBPD (w/NPD traits) already has a new lover and has posted it all over Facebook. They're "in a relationship" together.

Unreal.   

[stevenq]

Hmmm why am i still ruminating? Good question. I guess because i didnt know anything about this disorder till after i broke it off. I want her to know i have moved on too i guess. Thats all i can come up with. I am not going to be like all her other ex bfs and try and contact her after time has gone by. I have a feeling shes expecting that. Now that i got this job it will be easier to move on! Ive had too much time on my hands.

[Clearmind]

Its natural to grieve and how long it takes is different for everyone.

At some stage we all need to go through a stage of self-inqiry. There is a reason why we attached.

Be mindful not to mask these emotions in your work Steven. Its important to heal and recognize why we ignored those red flags otherwise we can go on to dated Borderline #2.

[MakeItHappen]

Its important to heal and recognize why we ignored those red flags otherwise we can go on to dated Borderline #2.

Very important. Hopefully, we can apply what we learn to all aspects of our lives.

[laelle]

There is no logical sense to me really, so me trying to explain why will be difficult, but I guess its part of grieving.

I have been through several years of push and pull, devaluations, rages and still I sit here ruminating.

I think it wont stop until you come to terms with the nonsense of it all and let it go.  As you see there are many on this board, and is what alot of

us are trying to accomplish.  

The best way you can show her that you are moving on, is to move on and not care what she thinks.  

I admire your strength to not be one of her pawns. Are you still trying to impress her when she isnt even around?

That kind of thinking feeds into the ruminating.  I do the same thing.  "ill show him I can live without him", "im better without him," "look at me dumbass, I just bought the flat screen monitor you wanted."    It still keeps me thinking about him tho.

[Hurt llama]

Steven, NC does not “cause” us to detach it is simply an act that lessens the blow when we are that stage of trauma - right after the break.

Rather than feverishly protecting NC – have you dug deep as to why you may be ruminating? What it is in you that is creating the hook?

We attach ourselves to a Borderline for a very good reason. That reason is not who your ex is but what she symbolizes.

I see why you are called "Clearmind". 

I also am learning the answer to the OP's question is not all that simple and similar for most of us but certainly not the same. Many of us talk about the 'void' about having 'lost ourselves' and this is probably the single most valuable thing I have gained from the forum.

In 3 years since I pulled the plug on the engagement I have looked deeply into why I have this void in my life... . and in fairness it's not all about my exBPD but certainly is a large contributor towards it.

I will share this too... .   I found a letter I had written to myself... .   two months BEFORE i met my exBPD gf and the purpose of the 'letter' was to outline where i was and what i was feeling and what i wanted for my future. my kids were growing up, I had big success financially, I had an incredible life. In the letter I pondered choices I could make to change things up... .  

My point is I was a prime 'target' at that exact point in time and I wrote that letter on a small island while on vacation... . Two months later a random woman from that same island reached out to me... .   Talk about serendipity... .   oh by the way... .   (this is true) "Serendipity" was part of her online dating name.

Chills.