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laelle
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« on: April 05, 2013, 04:59:39 AM »

I have spent a long time worrying about my BPD.  Today I realized that there are people in my family who I have left by the wayside in my effort to be good enough.

Me and my family.  Today I bought myself a monitor at a great price, sent my daughter (who lives in the usa) a necklace, and my family back home some chocolate covered strawberries.  I still have to get something for my ex husband's family (not the BPD) because without them I could not have survived here in France.

I owe them big time for putting up with all the stupid things I have done the past year.  Its time I stop feeding a selfish relationship and start feeding the healthy ones.

Smiling (click to insert in post)

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Surnia
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« Reply #1 on: April 05, 2013, 05:50:02 AM »

Wow, this sounds great. 

Excerpt
Its time I stop feeding a selfish relationship and start feeding the healthy ones.

This is a really great motto.

I will copy this on my proverb list at home... .  
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“Don’t shrink. Don’t puff up. Stand on your sacred ground.”  Brené Brown
laelle
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« Reply #2 on: April 05, 2013, 06:35:39 AM »

 I have run away from looking at my issues for such a long time.  Way before my BPDex entered my life.  I ran physically and emotionally.

I hated the usa so much because of the pain it caused me (a mother who did not understand me and the memory of being tortured by my peers) I ran to France.

I always feared that if people got to know me they would reject me, just like everyone did when I was young and obese.  I pushed people away for fear that if they loved me I would only disappoint them.  I only got close to a few people. My BPDex didnt reject me when I opened up, he understood, loved and accepted me.  Idealized me.  

I tried to make my daughter as different from me as possible.

I taught her not to let people bully her, taught her birth control and emotional maturity vs abstinence through religious fear. I taught her to be strong.  What I felt I missed out on as a child.  

My mother was emotionally unpredictable.  I remember running to my room hearing her breaking glasses.  (she was never abusive physically, but I felt I could never find favor in her eyes)  I was scared of that unpredictability and I tried not to bring the monster out. Ok, I pushed the monsters buttons a couple of times.    My dad would cover for her by telling me.  "Its ok, you know your mom is crazy"

When I tried to tell my ex he would always tell me that he had it worse. He did, much worse.

I have had enough pushing people away because im imperfect.  I have had enough letting others in who lie and tease that little girl in pain.

I am 42 years old, I am young at heart, I am kind, generous and loving.  I like video games, computers,cooking, metaphysics, my children, writing, taking the train, bacon and tomato sandwiches and coffee    I am still exploring other things I like.

I am learning french to become an English teach in France, and I work part time helping a stock broker.

If you dont like me tough.  Your flawed and imperfect too.  I like me... .   no I love me and I wont change for anyone.  Im flawed and im damaged, but im a whole person who can think and feel and love.  

Ah ok, so I grew up not having my emotional needs met.  No wonder the relationship with my ex felt so normal.  Once he got up in my face and screamed at me and I kinda liked it.  I felt alive.

Personal Inventory  Smiling (click to insert in post)

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Phoenix.Rising
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« Reply #3 on: April 05, 2013, 09:57:35 AM »

Laelle, That was beautifully put.  You go, girl!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)


I always feared that if people got to know me they would reject me... .     I pushed people away for fear that if they loved me I would only disappoint them.  I only got close to a few people.

I understand these feelings.  I still have a difficult time getting close to people.  A positive though is that this can be good if it's not overdone.  In other words, it's ok to take my time getting to know someone.  There's no need to throw all my cards on the table at once.  It's good to lay down one card at a time.

But for me, it's important to work on that trust and be willing to let others know who I really am.  I've learned over the years to put on a pretty damn good front at times.  I was taught to look good while you're falling apart inside.  Looks were more important than feelings. 

There are people we can trust who will let us be who we are and love us for that.  Maybe those people are in the minority, I don't know, but I know they are out there.  Just keep going. 

We are more than ok just the way we are.
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laelle
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« Reply #4 on: April 05, 2013, 10:23:11 AM »

Thanks Phoenix

I went on a bit of a rant there and came back later and... . well there is no embarrassment emoticon, but I would have put one here.  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Sometimes I seem a bit forward with my cards, I guess im trying to say... .   hey, im harmless.  Smiling (click to insert in post)  Not many people get to see the part that hurts, so I can understand what you mean by look good while your falling apart inside.  My psych asked me what I hoped to gain and i told her that I wanted to feel good in my own skin.

For me it was the same.  My mom seemed to only be proud of me when there were people around that would expect that of her.  Who isnt proud of their child after all?

How are you doing today?

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Phoenix.Rising
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« Reply #5 on: April 05, 2013, 11:33:41 AM »

No need to be embarrassed at all!  I thought your share was great, and this forum, I believe, is a safe place to do just that, in most instances.

I'm doing pretty well.  Glad it is Friday.  I see a new therapist for the first time today.  I'll have to set her straight!   Smiling (click to insert in post)
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laelle
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« Reply #6 on: April 05, 2013, 11:56:17 AM »

 Phoenix -Nice!  Good luck with your new T.  I know its difficult having to put the skeletons in our closets under the microscope.  I really hope that she can help you find peace of mind.  I'm sure you will talk her ear off.  Smiling (click to insert in post)  Thanks for listening to me babble so often.

Surnia- Its really nice when something that I say hits home and helps someone else.  I have a list too, but I have them all on post it notes.  I can hardly see my monitor.  Its why im buying a bigger one in 3D HD  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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laelle
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« Reply #7 on: April 05, 2013, 12:24:58 PM »

I was just sitting here thinking.  I am sure it has been thought before, but the reason his rage hurt so bad is because its

Character Assassination.  Everything good about me is turned bad.  Everything right about me is wrong.  Everything wrong about me is twisted until I am made

out to be blood sucking vampire.  He wanted to destroy the light in me.

Wow, light went on... .   people cant really love you and do that, right?
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« Reply #8 on: April 05, 2013, 12:41:50 PM »

the memory of being tortured by my peers

I always feared that if people got to know me they would reject me, just like everyone did when I was young and obese.  I pushed people away for fear that if they loved me I would only disappoint them.  I only got close to a few people. My BPDex didnt reject me when I opened up, he understood, loved and accepted me.  Idealized me. 

I have had enough pushing people away because im imperfect.  I have had enough letting others in who lie and tease that little girl in pain.


I am 42 years old, I am young at heart, I am kind, generous and loving.  I like video games, computers,cooking, metaphysics, my children, writing, taking the train, bacon and tomato sandwiches and coffee    I am still exploring other things I like.

I am learning french to become an English teach in France, and I work part time helping a stock broker.

If you dont like me tough.  Your flawed and imperfect too.  I like me... .   no I love me and I wont change for anyone.  Im flawed and im damaged, but im a whole person who can think and feel and love.  

Ah ok, so I grew up not having my emotional needs met.  No wonder the relationship with my ex felt so normal.  Once he got up in my face and screamed at me and I kinda liked it.  I felt alive.

Personal Inventory  Smiling (click to insert in post)

laelle, soo much of this resonated with me.  I bolded the stuff I could have written.

The stuff I left - it's how I used to be... .   strangely when BPD was still in my life, even around the perimeter.  Now that he's not, ,that toxic shame has come on full force and I just want to be me again.

Nothing to be embarrassed about here.  I have a similar post from many months ago.

I also thought your share was great.
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laelle
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« Reply #9 on: April 05, 2013, 01:05:43 PM »

Be yourself then Sheep.  You sure seem like a great person to me.  We were vulnerable, we made a mistake. We live and we learn.

You have your husband who loves you very much. Dont waste that precious time you could be having with him on some jerk who is gone.  Forgive yourself.

Plan a trip with you and your Mr.  Renew your vows, do something to re engage your commitment to the marriage.  The guilt will eat you alive if you let it.

Dont you think we have suffered enough?  Its time to live! 

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sheepdog
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« Reply #10 on: April 05, 2013, 01:27:26 PM »

May I ask you a personal question.  Please, if it is too personal, don't answer.

Did you tell your husband WHY you were divorcing him?  Did you tell him what happened?

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laelle
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« Reply #11 on: April 05, 2013, 01:54:09 PM »

Oooh, thats complicated to explain.

I divorced my ex husband because of things in our marriage that came along waay before my exBPD and were unavoidable.  My ex husband had some issues that would make it impossible to continue the marriage.    The only part my exBPD played was to expedite the divorce.  Yes, they knew about each other.  

The past two years have been sheer madness for me.  My ex husband's issues, having a BPD boyfriend, and im certainly not without issues.

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laelle
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« Reply #12 on: April 06, 2013, 05:53:39 AM »

Getting out today going to the Carnival  Smiling (click to insert in post)  just for the kids of course.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I started not to go and then I decided why wait to give myself a little happiness.
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maria1
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« Reply #13 on: April 06, 2013, 08:33:12 AM »

You know Laelle I am so glad you are out and you are doing this stuff for you. I think you are great! No validation; I just like your cyber you- I like the way you manage to laugh at the darkest sides of your pain and I really respect your bravery and honesty.

You so deserve a rewarding relationship.

Hope you have some fun today. I put my exBPDs needs above those of my kids and every day I have them now I'm thankful I learned the lesson of enjoying them and being present for them. It's not easy but all we can do is try.
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laelle
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« Reply #14 on: April 06, 2013, 10:56:44 AM »

Aww, Maria, that has to be one of the kindest and most generous complements I have ever received.  Sorry, had a few glasses of wine and feeling sentimental.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I am just me, but thank you. I really like you too.  Your fight has always been an inspiration to me.  Its proof for me that life can get beyond the hurt. I would like some day to have your confidence and conviction.  I had so much fun today.  I hope there are more times like that coming.

There were some very rewarding things in my relationship, but when push came to shove I always found myself alone.  I would like like one day to have someone who will actually stand beside me.  Not just in theory.  Smiling (click to insert in post)  I really hope that he gets the help he needs, because although it will hurt like hell, I hope to see one day that he is happy and laughing. Please keep in mind that I may change my mind about this opinion tomorrow.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I did the exact same thing as you Maria.  I was in the same situation where my ex required alot of attention, but I already was a mother and my kids weren't appreciated enough for their many beautiful qualities. When push comes to shove, my kids are here for me... .   Uh, cause they are too young to run away yet.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

No worries Maria, we live and we learn.  It was a rude wake up call, but we woke up none the less.

I wish you the happiest of happy days today and every other day.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

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laelle
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« Reply #15 on: April 06, 2013, 12:47:52 PM »

www.youtube.com/watch?v=dx7sLNyIeQk
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LetItBe
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« Reply #16 on: April 06, 2013, 10:17:47 PM »

I'm so glad you had a good, fun day, laelle!

Thanks for posting that video.  It's perfect.
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laelle
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« Reply #17 on: April 07, 2013, 02:49:13 AM »

Thank you NonGF,  I did have a good day.  Yw for the video.  Someone else here on the board linked it in another thread.  I have listened to it so many times, I sing it in my sleep.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

  Have a great Sunday.
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laelle
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« Reply #18 on: April 07, 2013, 03:31:59 AM »

I just noticed that it has been 2 years since I registered here. 

Cant blame a girl for trying.
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maria1
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« Reply #19 on: April 07, 2013, 07:53:03 AM »

I can't imagine leaving this place for long any more- lots of growing and sharing to do! That Adele song- me and my kids sing along to the whole album. My daughter (nearly 11) said after she listened to that song for the zillionth time one day- I think she had a relationship with someone with borderline personality disorder.

(Nb. My daughter questioned and questioned and questioned and in the end I told her why i didn't think he could be in our lives any more and talked about the illness with both of them. Both my kids kept saying they thought he was ill at the end- SO hard)

Glad you're here Laelle 



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LetItBe
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« Reply #20 on: April 07, 2013, 08:40:25 AM »

I just noticed that it has been 2 years since I registered here. 

Cant blame a girl for trying.

I noticed the other day it had been exactly a year since I registered here.  I prefer, "Can't blame a girl for trying," over what I've been saying to myself. 
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laelle
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« Reply #21 on: April 07, 2013, 09:06:02 AM »

LOL, dont beat yourself up about it.  It shows your a loving caring person.  There are much worse things you could be.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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laelle
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« Reply #22 on: April 08, 2013, 12:06:34 PM »

Huge breakthrough for me today. I dont need him.

I miss his company, but everything else he brought to the table ended up somehow costing me something.

I went to french class today and met a few people who spoke english and I had such a great time socializing.  I havent done that in a long time.

I didnt think about him at all.  I had lunch with my ex husband and I didnt even ramble on about my ex boyfriend to him.  Normally he listens and then does a 

I had a bad nite last nite where I missed him and had bargaining ideas which I would never act upon but they were still there.

I woke up this morning feeling like another piece of me had come back to me.

I hope everyone is having a good day too.

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maria1
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« Reply #23 on: April 08, 2013, 12:15:04 PM »

So pleased to read this. You don't need him. You need him gone. You need to find you because you are so much more than you even know!
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Phoenix.Rising
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« Reply #24 on: April 08, 2013, 12:18:35 PM »

Hi Laelle,  I don't need her, either.  I had a struggle myself yesterday.  Overall, I think I've been doing fairly well, but I hit a low spot emotionally.  I felt very alone, and I wondered about her being with someone else.  But if she is, it's probably true that she is acting out in the same way.  I was losing myself in that relationship.  The truth is I am much more at peace overall now.  The truth is she was horribly mean and cold to me at times.  The truth is that she was not good for me when I look at the big picture.  The universe has something better for us, Laelle.  We just have to believe it and act as if.  Keep putting you first.  Have a good day.   
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« Reply #25 on: April 08, 2013, 12:28:41 PM »

Hi, laelle and PR.  I'm glad you are both progressing in your healing.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  

Laelle, I'm glad you're enjoying your new class and that you've been able to enjoy some time NOT thinking about your ex.  That sounds like it will be a very healing experience for you.

These pwBPD do NOT hold the keys to our happiness.  I, too, have finally, truly realized that I deserve so much more than the constant devaluing, broken agreements, cold-silent treatments, and disrespect.  I am joining you on the "Leaving" bench.
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maria1
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« Reply #26 on: April 08, 2013, 12:41:01 PM »

For you, in case it helps... .

I sang this over and over and over when I was at a similar stage. It pushed me forward. Desperately. Healing. Smiling and crying, over and over and over.

www.youtu.be/zNURXMzgOuw
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laelle
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« Reply #27 on: April 08, 2013, 01:02:00 PM »

So pleased to read this. You don't need him. You need him gone. You need to find you because you are so much more than you even know!

 Thank you Maria -  I love him, but he does not love me.  He may have felt things for me, but love is more than words.  His actions tell me more that he was

using me to fill his needs, and my needs werent of much concern to him.  He may have felt differently about what his actions meant, but it doesnt matter because I have to live with my truth not his. It was also nice today because I had a guy looking and smiling at me at lunch today.  Maybe I had something on my face, but ill just pretend he was looking at me.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Phoenix - Im glad to hear you are feeling better as well.  I worry that mine is with someone else too, but I know this will be the natural course for all of us at one moment or another, just maybe sooner than later for him.  I wish him well.  It bothers me, but I have to let it go.  If I want to get past this, I have to.

I have low spots too.  Its amazing how one moment we can be so strong, and the next like a wet, mushy piece of silly putty.  I am needing less Xanax to get through my day tho, and I have learned that I love Black Forest Cake and I want a man who wants me as his girlfriend on Facebook.  Smiling (click to insert in post)  I think of the mean and coldness more of an OCD.  I watched my bf struggle to say things non aggressively or meanly. It was like he couldnt help himself.  He use to tell me that I needed to learn to walk faster.  Everything in me that was not as a perfect girlfriend in his eyes should be seemed to be painful for him to deal with.

He can get over it  Smiling (click to insert in post)  but that knowledge has helped to release the pain of the mean things he said.  

NonGf - I would like to say hurray! but im so sorry that your relationship has ended.  I can say the pain SUCKS, but its better to suffer now and be done with it than to suffer for the rest of your life.   I love my ex, but he will never be what I need, as hard as that is to swallow... . its true. You are worth more than the crumbs you receive.  I bet he wouldnt like it if you offered the same amount of crumbs to him that he gives to you.   If you need me, im here. PM me and I will give you my email and you can reach me most anytime.  
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laelle
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« Reply #28 on: April 08, 2013, 01:02:42 PM »

Listening to it now Maria, thanks  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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arabella
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« Reply #29 on: April 08, 2013, 01:06:20 PM »

laelle - I just wanted to pop onto your thread to say hello and do a little dance for you and all your accomplishments! I'm so happy to hear you sound so positive and healthy! You deserve this and I know you're going to find more and more joy as the days go by because you're spreading it!
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