confused... maybe grieving?

[byasliver]

I feel like I'm hogging the boards because I keep posting... .   but I can't get in to see my T until Tuesday and this is the only place where I get good support and answers.

For the last day or so I've been struggling with all the thoughts of how wonderful he used to be. How kind and generous and fun and loving. Even last summer right after this downward spiral began. I'm wondering if I'm wrong about him having BPD... .   but I've looked at everything else and nothing makes as much sense as BPD. None of the suggested advice worked until I tried SET. Nothing else explains EVERYthing as clearly as BPD... .   but what if I'm wrong? What if I am firm with my boundaries and I lose him and it was a mistake? I want more than anything to tell him how much I love him, how much I want us to stay together, how important he has been in my life. But I know I'm "painted black" right now. I go back and look at his behavior and words over the last few weeks (especially last week before he left to visit family with our son) and the is no love, only blame and anger. But what if he is just depressed? We often take our worst emotions out on those we feel safest with and I know, once, he felt "safe" with me. We had a connection once that was nothing like I'd ever felt with anyone before. I often say there are are three times in my life when I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was right where God wanted me to be and doing exactly what I was meant to do: the births of my kids, the first day I was a teacher and the day I married my husband. He is the only person I've ever loved as much and been as committed to as I am to my kids. I'm not even sure I know how to let that go.  :'(

Doing some cleaning today and came across an old cd with pics from around the time we met (some just before - some after) and his face was so sweet. It was only 8 years ago but to look at him now it looks like twice that long. We have been through unbelievable hell during that time. Honestly, there was a year (soon after our son was born) that we had a MAJOR crisis every single month of that year: family illnesses, a horrible vehicle accident, cancer scares... .   and it all happened while he was deployed in a warzone! And the DAY his feet hit US soil? A death in the family and I had to be the one to tell him. Absolute worst year of our lives. But that was 5 years ago. So many great things have happened since. Why are things so hard now? Where did that sweet faced guy go who people joked for years that he spoiled me rotten - and he did! The guy who would brush my hair till I fell asleep and then he'd whisper "you are so beautiful" thinking I didn't hear? The guy I had to fuss at in the hospital because he didn't want to let our newborn son go but it was time to feed him. The guy who let my daughters paint his toenails... .   no joke!

Maybe I'm finally grieving? Realizing I'll never get back what I once had? But part of me wonders if I'm trying to make an excuse for him with the BPD - trying to give myself a reason to hang on to him by saying he's "mentally ill" rather than just accepting that he's a lying jerk and I was fooled yet again. I just don't know.

He hasn't looked at me in months with anything other than disinterest or anger on his face. I can't even remember the last time I saw him smile... .   wait, yes I do. We had gone out to eat... .   November, maybe? A great Italian place we love and have gotten to know the owner. We laughed and talked so much that night... .   then when we got to our neighborhood he was saying he could drive home blindfolded. I thought he was crazy but we have a really quiet neighborhood so I blindfolded him and was dumbfounded when he drove right to our house, making a few turns along the way, without a single mistake! What fun we had! But since... .   nothing. No smiles, no hugs, not even a hand on my shoulder. The best I got was about a month ago when I severely sprained and chipped a bone in my ankle. He had to carry me to the car and then into the hospital. I remember how much I loved being in his arms... .   more than I remember the pain. But less than a day later, you wouldn't have known I was even hurt by him. My oldest daughter had to step up and help me with getting meals done and taking care of things around the house. I was supposed to be on crutches for 3-4 weeks but I gave that up after about 2 weeks because nothing was getting done and I didn't think it was fair to make my kids do so much when he wasn't working and should have pitched in. And what has he done? If he wasn't griping about what I wasn't doing, he was griping because I was in pain from being on my feet too soon. Lying to cover up so many things he's done. Blaming me for everything.

I know. I know. He's hurting and scared and can't accept the blame because he'll take it too far so he has to project it onto someone else. I get it... .   but I HATE it. I want to scream, "I'M STILL HERE! I KNOW ABOUT THE MISTAKES AND I STILL LOVE YOU!" but what good would that do? He'd just think I was a loser for loving someone as faulted as he thinks he is. It feels like a "no win" situation. I just want to love him and be loved by him. To curl up in his arms and feel that safety that I've never felt anywhere else. I'm scared to death I may never get that back.

Sorry to ramble... .   dark night for me  :'( :'( :'(

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[connect]

Am feeling your pain byasliver - am having a dark night too.

Try to sleep and see how you feel in the daylight. Take care.

[byasliver]

Thanks, connect. Going to have a glass of chocolate wine and listen to some Journey. A toast to you and me and all the others that we find peace.

[connect]

Yes I had some wine too! Its 3.45 am here and sleep is eluding me - will try now.

Its good you wrote all this down - that will help you sort your mind.

[patientandclear]

Byasliver:

Just wanted to say your post really touched me, I know how you feel, and I am so sorry.

I know what you mean about the juxtaposition of things we really did, things that really happened, that were so sweet and good, and then the current reality, and wondering how it can possibly be.  And your point about just wanting to love him, but realizing that he has projected the blame for damage he himself has inflicted onto you, so that somehow you are responsible for this loss you are both enduring; and how he concludes there must be something wrong with you if you can love him.  Same exact pattern here (and with so many of us) but you set it out so plainly, and it's just so wrenching.

You seem to see what is happening with a lot of clarity, which is a great gift.  My struggle right now is that the sadness doesn't change that I have to accept it really is this way.  What you're describing is exactly what is happening in my r/s too, and my pattern has been that when something is sad, I work and work and work to undo it.  This time, I am accepting I cannot, and I just have to endure the sadness and come out the other side sometime and somewhere.

I'm sorry it's so hard.   

[byasliver]

I just read several good lessons from this site and it's helping. One odd thing that is resonating with me is that my uBPDh has never SAID he hated me or anything like that. His actions and other things he said may have been hateful but, if I asked and sometimes on his own, he has always been able to say he still loved me. Yes, he has said and done some incredibly horrible things and I will no longer excuse or tolerate such behavior but I just can't wrap my brain around the idea that he is incapable of having really loved me.

So, he'll be home late tomorrow and I'll sit down with him Monday to talk. I will keep SET and DEAR in mind but, mostly, I'm going to talk to him from the heart. It's a make or break moment: either he commits to making our relationship work and doing what that requires... .   or we separate (temporarily or permanently). If we were just dating with no kids, I'd say he commits or we split, period. But we are married with children. I believe that requires fighting harder to stay together.

connect, hope you were able to find some rest. I tossed and turned all night but I'm no stranger to insomnia. Chamomile tea is very helpful sometimes. 

patientandclear, thank you for your empathy and kind words. Empathy... .   isn't it amazing how soothing that feels when we've gone without it for so long? I know what you mean about trying to so hard to fix things. I did that for so long and now see that it just fed that BPD monster inside my H. I see now that what needs fixing isn't OUTSIDE ourselves but WITHIN. I can only fix myself and he can only fix his own self. And I will start by fixing what I know I deserve in my home, and that is love and peace rather than avoidance and criticism. I am sorry to hear you are struggling with many of the same issues. I really appreciate hearing that from you, though. I have a very dear and wonderful friend who I've been talking to a lot this week. Well, hearing about all the behaviors my uBPDh has been showing ended up making her paranoid about her own husband and she got into a huge fight with him over something trivial. Made me feel AWFUL! So now I'm trying to curb what I say to her. Nice to know I hear that there is someone out there in the virtual world who understands, though 

[byasliver]

He seemed receptive tonight when he texted to tell me when they would be home tomorrow. So I took a chance and, using SET, replied that "I know things have been really strained lately between us and I can understand why you might not want to talk to me but I do still love you very much."... .   nothing. No response at all and I do know he received it (my phone tells me when a msg has been sent and when it is read)

Then I got online to check some things and his mom posted some pics from their visit this week. Like before, I looked at them because it has been just pics of our son or our son with her or his aunt. Seeing our son's sweet face and him enjoying himself always cheers me up. Tonight, though, there was one pic of our son asleep on his father's lap. I can't see his face but I can see his left hand... .   no ring. He NEVER takes it off... .   NEVER.

I am heartbroken. I'm dreading our talk more than ever.  :'(

[arabella]

Oh wow. This really hits home for me. The wonderful times in the past years, the amazing connection, the obvious love... .   And now it's gone. Sometime around December it all just fell apart again (this is the second round of this for me). And now I can't sleep either. He says he still loves me too but I am getting the horrible words and deeds as well. He says it's over, he's leaving. So, you're not alone and I'm sorry that this is happening to you.

I'm not wrapping my head around him never having loved me because I think he really did. Maybe not the same way I loved him, but as much as he was capable of. And I loved being loved by him.

I don't think it really matters if your H has BPD. All of the skills here are perfectly applicable whether the other person has BPD or not. There is also nothing to say that a person with BPD can't also be depressed or have other things going on - it just means their reaction is different. And BPD is not an excuse or a get-out-of-jail-free card, it's an explanation, nothing more. Even if your H has BPD, bear in mind he also had BPD when he was the loving, wonderful husband that you remember. So this 'new' person is the same guy, he hasn't suddenly been afflicted with some mysterious illness. Even if he gets help, you are still going to have to deal with this period, with this behaviour and how it's affected you and your children.

I don't know if it offers any insight at all, your H is obviously his own person, but the last time this happened to me my H did eventually come around (many months later). He went back to being the wonderful man that I married. But in the meantime he did a lot of damage and it took a long time to heal. And it took a long time for him to forgive himself enough to re-engage in our relationship.

p.s. Chocolate wine? Gimme!