Breaking NC

[HarmKrakow]

Just broke NC

... .   aaaaaaaand within in a glimpse of a second I had to run to the bathroom.

Where is the irony in that  My body trying to tell me something?

Seriously, the shivers going through your spine, starting in your little tiny whiny toe straight to your head. It just makes me sick man. Blergh 

It's like a mass trigger fest, straight away. All the thoughts come back. Why? What for? etc... .

[wanttoknowmore]

Its OK ,Harm,

We all have our weak moments because we are human and have a heart  capable of loving... . No big deal... . if you broke NC.  I did it too a few days ago.

I keep chanting "my happiness depends on me... . not on someone else" " I am my own man... . I decide to be happy with or without her" " I am chosing to be a man who is capable of creating my own  happiness" "I am not going to give my pwBPD the power to make me miserable... . I decide to come out of my misery."

"Oh my emotions... . I order you to calm down because I am going to be the master of my emotions and not a slave to my emotions"  It helps me. i am getting stronger and stronger each passing day. We will survive and thrive, Man... . believe me.

[HarmKrakow]

Well, I didn't initiate it.

But I was surprised with the intense shock through my body, as well physically and mentally.

I'm happy for you that you actually feel getting stronger day by day. I feel still sinking day by day, i'm now on my 253th different technique in over to 'stay afloat'.

[wanttoknowmore]

why did she initiate it and what do you think was her motive?

[HarmKrakow]

why did she initiate it and what do you think was her motive?

No idea and ... . no idea.

Maybe as a, 'do I have Harm still under control check'? I don't know man. I've read and spoke a lot with my therapist about motives. But he tells me mostly, that BPDers react, especially in my case where there is also PTSD involved, where the motives are purely self-preservation. A very sturdy self-defensive mechanism. Meaning, doing whatever you can do, from a natural instinct, 'to survive' in this world.

That would be the motive.

And it wouldnt matter, if people get hurt by that.

[wanttoknowmore]

I recall mine used to spy on her Ex to find out how miserable he was... . she had no intention to get back with him but seemed to derive a strange type of satisfaction after knowing that he is drinking a lot of beer and sitting infront of TV eating lots of chips and have gained weight. How amusing !

[HarmKrakow]

I recall mine used to spy on her Ex to find out how miserable he was... . she had no intention to get back with him but seemed to derive a strange type of satisfaction after knowing that he is drinking a lot of beer and sitting infront of TV eating lots of chips and have gained weight. How amusing !

Mine does the exact same thing with her previous ex. Also still spies on him.

[Surnia]

Harm

what happend exactly? A phone call?

And yes, I truly believe that your body is telling something. You could ask him.

[HarmKrakow]

Harm

what happend exactly? A phone call?

And yes, I truly believe that your body is telling something. You could ask him.

No a message. And yet again today. Haven't read it, have exploded though.

The anger coming outside, my goodness. It's an overflow of emotions. And not good ones ... .  

[OTH]

What are these emotions? Why shouldn't you be angry?

[HarmKrakow]

What are these emotions? Why shouldn't you be angry?

I really, truly, try to decipher this. I mean that. What are these emotions.

I had an okay day, i'm packing my bags for a travel adventure which starts tomorrow.

And then *poof* ... . email. Haven't read it, haven't checked it, neither deleted cuz i'm afraid it will open if I click on it.

What do I feel ... . I feel anxiety ... .

1) is it more smear?

2) is it wanting to rekindle?

3) is it more ... .   harm bashing?

I feel and know i'm over-reacting. I acknowledge that. It's just a mail. Nothing more. Nothing more(!) But ... . I get a physical ache through my body and heart. Toe to my head. My stomach turns. Just so much negativity.

It makes me afraid that I still have to process a lot and 'detox' a lot because 'just moving' on ... . while having all these toxic emotions still within myself, will eventually or might eventually haunt me back.

I mean, I know i'm hugely over reacting, it could as simply be just an email with 1 sentence; how you doing?

But still ... . this HEAVY reaction to it. I can physically feel this reaction OTH.

Blergh. 

[seeking balance]

What are these emotions? Why shouldn't you be angry?

I really, truly, try to decipher this. I mean that. What are these emotions.

I had an okay day, i'm packing my bags for a travel adventure which starts tomorrow.

And then *poof* ... . email. Haven't read it, haven't checked it, neither deleted cuz i'm afraid it will open if I click on it.

What do I feel ... . I feel anxiety ... .

1) is it more smear?

2) is it wanting to rekindle?

3) is it more ... .   harm bashing?

I feel and know i'm over-reacting. I acknowledge that. It's just a mail. Nothing more. Nothing more(!) But ... . I get a physical ache through my body and heart. Toe to my head. My stomach turns. Just so much negativity.

It makes me afraid that I still have to process a lot and 'detox' a lot because 'just moving' on ... . while having all these toxic emotions still within myself, will eventually or might eventually haunt me back.

I mean, I know i'm hugely over reacting, it could as simply be just an email with 1 sentence; how you doing?

But still ... . this HEAVY reaction to it. I can physically feel this reaction OTH.

Blergh. 

Ok - you are reacting... .   why are you judging yourself for this?

[OTH]

^^^

As an engineer I've always tried to be in control and logical. Didn't seem very manly to wear your heart on your sleeve. I found during my time dealing with this I hadn't learned how to handle my emotions and feelings very well. You lost somebody you had an intense emotional experience with. Go ahead and feel it. One of the nice things about this breakup is you can learn some of your mistakes. Intellectualizing emotional experiences is a mistake. You are human. You have emotions. Let yourself feel them. Its OK to feel sad and angry. You'll get better at feeling sad and angry.

[HarmKrakow]

^^^

As an engineer I've always tried to be in control and logical. Didn't seem very manly to wear your heart on your sleeve. I found during my time dealing with this I hadn't learned how to handle my emotions and feelings very well. You lost somebody you had an intense emotional experience with. Go ahead and feel it. One of the nice things about this breakup is you can learn some of your mistakes. Intellectualizing emotional experiences is a mistake. You are human. You have emotions. Let yourself feel them. Its OK to feel sad and angry. You'll get better at feeling sad and angry.

As a mathematician, I want to do the same. Rational ... . sense ... . logic ... . numbers ... . variables ... . equations ... . deriving ... . maximization ... .

I'm packing my bags ... . while losing my mind.

I will cry, I will be emotional tonight and I will shed my tears for hours until it stops. And ... . I had such a good day today. The utter moment of seeing her name is already a trigger to turn my stomach 180 degrees around. I'm flying out tomorrow, couchsurfing ... . purely for the essence because i've been crying at home for way to long and I fear that I would do something stupid, therefore, I go seek contact with people in the hopeful search of validation.

What I truly want to do? ... . lay in bed and dissolve and just cry

What I truly (truly) want to do? Just get back with her ... .

What I truly (truly truly) want to do... .   just turn back time ... .

Not sure if that makes sense ... .   :'(

[VeryFree]

It doesn't make sense Harm, but I know the feeling.

I think most of us do: we are all hurt, we've all seen things we never want to see again, we've all experienced things we hope we'll never meet.

But inside most of us there still is that voice, about 'what if... .   '.

It's okay to feel that way, it doesn't make sense, but it's okay for now.

[HarmKrakow]

It doesn't make sense Harm, but I know the feeling.

I think most of us do: we are all hurt, we've all seen things we never want to see again, we've all experienced things we hope we'll never meet.

But inside most of us there still is that voice, about 'what if... .   '.

It's okay to feel that way, it doesn't make sense, but it's okay for now.

But I do try to make sense of it.

Because it doesnt(!) make sense ... . that someone who has hurt you so much ... . still causes you so much pain ... .

And yes, i've read it all about trauma bonding, core bonding, stockholm syndrom, bringing trauma to the r/s, the void which was filled, the immature emotional connections, everything. I can make sense of that, however it's like my own brain and my emotions are 'loose' from each other.

It's ridiculous. It's seriously ridiculous. I don't want to feel this crap anymore. I don't. I've completely had it. It's not just pain, grieving, etc. I've just had it. I so totally overreact, and that tells me simply that it was a sincere toxic r/s and above all, there is still so much toxic crap inside me that I need to process. Daunting man ... . pfft.

I hate overreacting, I feel it's a sense of weakness. Why not react rational? It's a sense of contact? A trigger? Well ... . think cognitive therapy ... .

All the steps that lead to the trigger in your head ... . which causes the pain.

1. something happens

2. you think

3. you put an emotion towards it ... .

I skip the second ... . something WITH her ... . is like step 1 and step 3 ... . within 2 miliseconds. And still, all I want is just a discussion, talk on a level of adults with her. Try to talk some sense into it because she just walked away as a 5 year old, letting go of the dishes and wanting to go play outside.

It's not only that im hurt, because ... . well ... . I am ... . again i'm faced with the guilt that it's just so f***** up that i've wasted such precious years of my youth with such a dysfunctional person and above all, i'm allowing that dysfunctional person to have impact on my life, still, as of this day!

Stop it Harm ... . seriously. Stop it ... .

It's ridiculous.

Have I learned ? Of course i've learned ... . but the problem is ... . it just took the energy of life away man. I'm trying hard to respark that spirit in life. To enjoy things. It literally felt like 25013x steps back. And again ... . I know it's over reacting ... . I know ... . but tomorrow i'm flying towards a country where I really want to ... . well, chill, relax a bit. I'm going on my own, meet completely random strangers and talk a bit about life and see and check that i'm not the crazy one.

When I look at my own post when I read this, I see, and sense anxiety (no kidding) and overreacting (no kidding) ... . and all, all because I let a BPD in my life and willingly let her take all my soul out of my system.

And don't even start about the feelings that I apparently didn't mean anything, I was a scumbag, never did anything good, etc. Thats just 'dessert ... . " after the main meal ... .

I'm so ... . so so sensitive. Screw this. Screw this big time. All I want is just a talk with her, a talk, on a normal level, ask some questions ... .

 

Acting 'over emotional' is for 3 year olds. I'm 25. This is bollocks.

[VeryFree]

Have you ever lost someone close without a prior warning (like in an accident?).

Kind of same feeling: it feels like you have been hit by a bus, left in despair, asking yourself why, what you could have done to prevent it, idealizing your r/s with that person and not caring about the problems you had.

This kind of grieve looks a lot of the grieve we experience after BPD-breakup, with a few differences:

- our x's are still around, so there's always room for hope (how irrealistic or unwanted it is).

- we really don't grieve about our x's, but about a part of them (the good part), that was fake.

- we are totally messed up throughout the years we spend with them, not knowing right from wrong.

- and go on... .  

Long story short: of course you feel like ___. It's naturally. And it's even more naturally that you're sick of this feeling. That's a good thing I think. 'Just' find the switch to turn your feelings the other way. Maybe your trip is going to help.

Have fun, whereever you go.

[HarmKrakow]

Have you ever lost someone close without a prior warning (like in an accident?).

Kind of same feeling: it feels like you have been hit by a bus, left in despair, asking yourself why, what you could have done to prevent it, idealizing your r/s with that person and not caring about the problems you had.

This kind of grieve looks a lot of the grieve we experience after BPD-breakup, with a few differences:

- our x's are still around, so there's always room for hope (how irrealistic or unwanted it is).

- we really don't grieve about our x's, but about a part of them (the good part), that was fake.

- we are totally messed up throughout the years we spend with them, not knowing right from wrong.

- and go on... .  

Long story short: of course you feel like ___. It's naturally. And it's even more naturally that you're sick of this feeling. That's a good thing I think. 'Just' find the switch to turn your feelings the other way. Maybe your trip is going to help.

Have fun, whereever you go.

The thing I struggle with, and sort of can't blame her due to her illness, is her immaturity to 'just walk away' ... . leaving with me no apparent sense of closure. No closure ... . after such an intense r/s is killing. I'm left with so much questions unanswered ... .

It feels unfair ... . and i know I shouldnt complain about it, heck I tell others in other detachment threads that this is what they should expect, but when you 'get relapsed/triggered back' I fall in my own trap.

And no, i've never lost someone close to me. Luckily I didnt

[OTH]

Did you listen to this? Listen again. You made yourself vulnerable and got hurt. There are two different directions you can go. You can close yourself up never to be hurt again or you can learn to handle your emotions better and be able to connect with people in an even deeper way. I like this video. She makes it pretty easy to understand where real strength lies. You had the right idea. You wanted to connect in a meaningful way with somebody you cared about. It didn't work out and you are hurt now. She wasn't a good choice and had real deep emotional problems. Some of our hurt comes from our own weaknesses. How do we see those and strengthen those? You can blame her for treating you poorly. You can be mad at her for that. You can be mad at her for not giving you closure. Go ahead and feel that. After those feelings pass think about your own role and what you can do better.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o

[seeking balance]

There is no perfect or "right" way to feel in any of this... .   once I embraced this and simply let myself go through it  - it kinda took the pressure off.

My T told me the greatest strength is in the ability to be vulnerable... .   you are not weak, but strong because you are not afraid to feel this... .  

Be kind to yourself - if you are not, who will be?