I was "the parent" to my uBPD father and codependent mother

[optimismandlove]

I grew up in emotional turmoil.  Both my parents were functioning alcoholics.  Schoolteachers.

I learned very early on of their shortcomings and realised I had to parent them all including my two younger siblings. 

I excelled at school, shielded my siblings from my fathers alcoholic rages, protected my mother from his raging, physically pushed him away when he was obnoxious.

And to the outside world played the part of the good happy family.

I became a magnificent actor.

I disappeared in the world of books to escape the dysfunction at home.  Fantasised about being saved from this alien family I didnt really belong to.

We moved town nearly every year. I was always the new kid, bullied, teased, tested.

I grew resilient. Survived by being very clever but very cheeky and funny.

Kept my father happy and became popular with the kids.

I am very adaptable.

I didnt become angry with  my mother until I became an adult and a parent.

I had always thought she had done her best.

But I realised I was suppressing my fury that she allowed the ranting and raving of my father and toddler tantrum antics and chose to ignore her childrens needs.

I am so ashamed to have recently found I have become like her.

I am horrified that I have put my uBPds partners needs above those of my children.

Ive been under a spell and am so shocked at what I have allowed.

Fortunately I had the sense to keep our homes separate thus reducing the negative impact of his troubled behaviour.

I have taken myself and my 9yo son to a psychologist and together we are navigating our way to a healthier family life.

I am currently on a 5 day holiday with my son and his mates and its blissful.  We played mini golf today.

My partner is raging at his home but I am not listening.  My fone is turned off.

With each passing day without his intrusive demands I am able to reflect and try to come to terms with what made me who I am

I am determined to keep my boys needs priority number one as they were before I met my partner.

I am so ashamed I have acted like my mother.

I need to forgive her and forgive myself

We are so damaged by our childhoods.

[GeekyGirl]

Oh optimismandlove, that's tough.    You were put into a position that many of us had to fill, at an age when you should have been allowed to focus on your own growth and development.

You didn't do anything wrong, though. You coped as best you could--you were a child trying to take care of your siblings and father. You probably didn't know at the time how dysfunctional things were at home.

You're processing a lot right now, which is something that many of us (me included) have gone through. That Survivor's Guide on the right of this page is a good "roadmap" to processing the abuse that you endured as a child, and the good news is that you can recover. You can change and make for a healthier life for you and your boys.

It's great that you're taking some time with your son and his friends. Not only is getting away good for giving yourself a "break" from what's going on at home, but you're also building some fond memories for yourself and your son. Now that you have had some time and a little perspective, how can you continue to make your sons' needs a top priority?

[OnlyChild]

I excelled at school, shielded my siblings from my fathers alcoholic rages, protected my mother from his raging, physically pushed him away when he was obnoxious.

And to the outside world played the part of the good happy family.

I became a magnificent actor.


I disappeared in the world of books to escape the dysfunction at home.  Fantasised about being saved from this alien family I didnt really belong to.

I can completely relate!   I did not excel at school, but I was the best employee where ever I worked.  I acted like nothing was wrong at home---playing the role of "the Emperor" I suppose... .   in retrospect I'm sure everyone knew what was actually going on. 

I would frequently fantasize about what it would be like to be the daughter of my aunt & uncle (dad's side... .   nonBPD)... .   sometimes I still do.   They were and are always good to me. 


I am very adaptable.

Me too... .   we are expert peace-keepers. 

I didnt become angry with  my mother until I became an adult and a parent.

I had always thought she had done her best.

But I realised I was suppressing my fury that she allowed the ranting and raving of my father and toddler tantrum antics and chose to ignore her childrens needs.

I didn't become angry with my uBPD mom until almost a year after she passed away (Yes, that's this month).  I chose not to have children because I just did not want to take care of one more person.   This distain also made me a terrible wife. 

I am so ashamed to have recently found I have become like her.

I am horrified that I have put my uBPds partners needs above those of my children.

Ive been under a spell and am so shocked at what I have allowed.

Fortunately I had the sense to keep our homes separate thus reducing the negative impact of his troubled behaviour.

"Spell" is probably the perfect word.   It's the only way to explain what happened to us.  I fear too that I have traits like my uBPD mom, however I think we just learned some very maladaptive ways of coping with things.  Coupled with coping with things how we had to in order to survive our childhood.    I had a big problem with lying to keep the peace/to not upset her.   Unfortunately my dad reinforced that behavior, constantly saying, "You really have no choice."   And now I wonder why my impulse is to lie when faced with confrontation.   I'm not a liar... .   I'm a responsible person. 

I have taken myself and my 9yo son to a psychologist and together we are navigating our way to a healthier family life.

It's never too late to rescue ourselves.   I'm sure you will also never regret the healthy action-step you are taking for your son. 

I am currently on a 5 day holiday with my son and his mates and its blissful.  We played mini golf today.

I agree with GeekyGirl---this is hugely important.   You know all too well what it was like to be ignored as a child.  Your son will remember this holiday forever. 

My partner is raging at his home but I am not listening.  My fone is turned off.

I'm sure that is not easy.   But I think he too, as the dad, needs to recognize what his son needs and that is some fun. 

With each passing day without his intrusive demands I am able to reflect and try to come to terms with what made me who I am

I started feeling euphoric... .   almost like I was on drugs once I started to come to terms as you are.   

I am determined to keep my boys needs priority number one as they were before I met my partner.

I am so ashamed I have acted like my mother.

I need to forgive her and forgive myself

We are so damaged by our childhoods.

We are so damaged by our childhoods.   But you are right--we have the opportunity to move on and to be better people, better parents, etc and good for us to have the ability and strength to retrieve ourselves after surviving our less-than-fair childhoods.   

I believe in you. 

[optimismandlove]

Thank you so much gg and only child

It is comforting to know others with similar childhoods and to share the maladaptive coping mechanisms we developed.

Fortunately my partner is not the bio dad to my two sons. We have only known each other 3years and keep separate homes.

Only child, I hear you what you say about feeling euphoria when you set yourself free from the spell.   It is a spell.   Incredibly powerful.   Now when I read fairy tales I see various disorders being acted out!

It is universal.   It exists everywhere.   We are fortunate to live  in countries where we can seek and find the help we need.

You must have felt a strange mix of emotions when your mum passed.  I can only imagine.

Thank you for believing in me.

I have just cooked brekky for the kids and are about to organise some go carting.

Thanks for being here lovely people

[OnlyChild]

Oh yes... .   strange feelings indeed!   I left my husband!   He has put up with more than anyone should... .   he is principled and absolutely intolerant of her behaviors.   So I left.   dumb.    But he remains supportive and hangs on through it all. 

Initially when she died I missed her terribly.   But now almost a year later I am starting to see things for what they were.   

Denial is a powerful defense mechanism.   Now it's time to move to a better way of managing.

I'm curious what country you are from?   My husband and I refer to our morning meal as "brekky" even though we are both from the US.    I think that is adorable: brekky for your boys. 

Have a super day!

[ScarletOlive]

Look at you, optimismandlove! You're processing such very difficult things. It's very hard to be a parent at such a tender age and it's also hard to undo learned behaviors. But you're doing it. You're choosing to take the cards you were dealt, eat them, and better your hand. I hope you're really proud of this step. Let us know how things are going (and if you win at go-carting  ). And like OnlyChild said so beautifully, I believe in you. 

[optimismandlove]

Thank you scarlet olive

I am continuing to have a fab holiday with my boys.  My 17yo came over lastnight and we went out for dinner then all played pooland air hockey then mini golf this morning.  Great fun.

Today my 9yo and I met up with my parents at the next town over  at a beautiful plant nursery and I bought some gorgeous standard Ficus and dwarf Buxus and 2 magnolia trees.  My 4wd is sprouting greenery out the windows and I am wondering how all our gear will fit in when we have to check out.  LOL!  A good problem to have.

I grow stronger every day with all this time and space to think.

I am re evaluating how and even possibly where I live.

I feel optimistic and excited for the future which is every day in the making.

[optimismandlove]

Oh dear.  Im not having a good day.

In my euphoria at being free on holiday I texted my mum to run the idea of sharing a weekender rental at this town.

I have just received a drunken phone call from my alcoholic father interrogating me about exactly what Im planning.

I calmly stated it was just an idea I had runpast my mother.

They have drunk themselves almost into oblivion and he is slurring and I am having terrible flashbacks.

He was insisting on engaging a conversation with me whilst drunk and ordering me not to hang up.

I calmly stated I would discuss it with him tomorrow when he was sober.

He became obnoxious so i had to hang up.

I have forgotten how obnoxious he is when drunk.

I deliberately have no contact with them after 5pm

When I suggested goung halves in a getaway the intention was not to be here in the same space with them at night time.

Bad idea.

I feel sick when I hear his drunken slurred voice.

Bad memories

[GeekyGirl]

That does sound awful, optimismandlove. It's not possible to have a meaningful conversation with someone who is intoxicated.

You did the right thing by not engaging with your father while he was drunk and I can understand why you wouldn't want to take calls from them when you feel that one (or both of them) has been drinking.

When I suggested goung halves in a getaway the intention was not to be here in the same space with them at night time.

Did you clearly state that to your mother? Typically when you invite someone to share a rental, it's implied that you'll share the same space at night. With your parents, you may have to spell out every detail.

How are you doing now? What can you do to calm yourself after this conversation and get back into "vacation mode?"

[optimismandlove]

Thank you gg

I think you are right.  Its likedealing withchikdren, having to spell out all thedetails.

What I need to say is that we can share the use of it.  50/50. Taking it in turns.

It wouldhave been my father twisting it all around.

My mother becomes almost unintelligible in his firing line.

I turned my fone off and watched the big bang theory with my son and we laughed our heads off together then had an early night.

Fortunately I had a small amount of sedative so got to sleep.

My father probably wont even remember calling me.  He sounded like he had  hours of drinking under his belt by 9pm.

He normally starts at 5pm but if he is excited or extra angry can start at midday.

Like my uBPD partner, both excitement and aggravation can trigger the addiction

I will try to talk to my mum today.

The problem is he controls her so much.

I have  given up ringing on the landline because my father insists on all calls being on speakerphone so he can listen in.

Its awful.

I will text her and ask her to tell me when my father isn't around so i can talk freely to her.

It is like dealing with two children.

Some good news.  My 17yo is catching the bus over today to spend some family fun time here so that willbe lovely.

Thanks for being here again

[optimismandlove]

I sent a text to my mum explaining what sort of shared weekender arrangement we might be able to have ie. we take it in turns

I also  said I was sorry my father got involved and rang me drunk last night and that it wasnt her fault.

She has not responded.

My father has probably forbidden her to contact me.

Control freak.  She is his slave in every way.

I get so frustrated with her even now.

But my dislike of him is stronger

She is such a different person away from him.

I took her on holiday last year with my 9yo son and she was fabulous.

Relaxed, hardly drank anything, played games and walked along the beach with us.  Came to the movies, went out to dinner.  Good company.  Lots of laughs.

All the things she doesnt do under my fathers spell.

She said it was the best holiday she had ever had.

Incidentally this was a "romantic" holiday in a tropical paradise that I had booked and paid for to take my uBPD partner to.

My mum was going to look after my sons.

One week before the holiday my partner cancelled. Said he was too busy at work.

When I rang on my last night I heard a womans stiletto heels in his kitchen.

He said he was there alone.

Long story but I figured out who she was and confronted her very discreetly ( he still doesn't know). and although she didnt know I existed she said that he was definitely laying the foundations for a back up partnership with her. 

And this  was While I was on the romantic holiday with my mum and son.

Pretty sad but I had a beautiful time

As I write this I am wondering why I stayed with him.

I did confront him with the empty pizza box and wine bottle theyd shared

Somehow he was the one that ended up the victim in it all.

I left town out of my mind, checked into a hotel.  My boys were with their dad.

He rang and texted me over and over begging me to answer promising me he had done nothing wrong.  In his mind he hadnt.

Foolishly i answered and he put on the whole screaming hysterical suicidal act and I fell for it.

I drove  back in the dark like a mad woman.

When i got back he was completely composed and said that we would never speak of it again.

I acquiesced?   What the... .   ?