Social Security

[Defeated]

Hi.  I hope someone can answer a couple of questions for me.

First of all, my daughter is 24-years old, and a convicted felon.  When she was 18, her boyfriend talked her into writing $38K in bad checks.

She is a horrendous liar, extremely volatile, has absolutely no empathy for anyone, and cares about no one but herself.  She also hates me.  Seriously.

I posted more about her on another board, but I honestly don't have the energy to do it again.  So, I'm going to make this quick.  A few years ago, she sold a gun, bullets, and oxycontin to an undercover state trooper.  However, rather than arrest her then, they watched her apartment for three months before finally raiding it  She was apparently also selling drugs.  She was arrested and held without bail for a month and a half.  She was facing a potential sentence of 45 years, which is exactly what the AG wanted.

When they released her from jail, it was on $30K bond, and under certain conditions.  She had to live with us, and she would be on home confinement, which we had to pay for, indefinitely.

Her trial went on for almost a year and a half.  She was sentenced to five years (to serve), which was suspended for five years of supervised probation, which means that she is supposed to check in with her PO daily.  She was ordered to attend a substance abuse program, perform 1200 hours of community service, and attend three mental health sessions a week, also at our expense. 

All she does is smoke pot, which is actually the only time that she is normal and not ready to kill someone.  She also drinks, and from what I hear, takes pills occasionally.

Ready for the best part?  She just told us that she is pregnant.  Oh, and with all of the added expenses, we lost our home of 15 years.

The father is 37, twice married, and already has several children.    Perhaps even more importantly, he's gone... .   see ya later, bye.

I tried reasoning with her and explaining how selfish it was to even consider bringing a baby that may or may not be healthy because of his mother's addictions.  She didn't care and insisted she was having it.  So, I told her that if she is going to have it, she can't live here.  We've already raised our children, and we are not about to raise another because her mother can't take care of herself, or even her dog, let alone  a baby.  She was all set to move out when her PO told her that she can't because the judge deemed her incapable of livng alone.  She has to stay with us.

She had therapy today and I guess her therapist said that she was going to recommend to her PO that she spend some time in the hospital.  If not, she is going to blow, and something bad is going to happen.

She has conceded to having and abortion, but I am now dead to her.

So, it doesn't appear that things are going to get better any time soon, and frankly, we are broke.  I put her back on my insurance, and her copays killed us.

She applied for SSm but was denied as they were of the belief that she could work as long as it wasn't around the public.  So, what am I supposed to do?  Put her in a cage and let little children throw peanuts at her?

I'm telling you, if you get a chance, you should really read my original post because I am leaving out a lot.

Anyway, SS denied her, but I just found out that she didn't even tell them about how impulsive she is, or her legal issues.

So, my question is this... .   had she disclosed her issues, which of course, are all my fault, wouldn't her chances have been better?

I mean, we are talking about a girl who, the day she was released from home confinmement got pulled over.  She calld me at the office screaming at the top of her lungs that if I didn't go and get her, she was going to "run-punch this *** cop."  Yes, the officer was standing right there.  When I got there, she was calling him every name in the book and taking everything out of her car and smashing it on the ground.  I still cannot believe that she wasn't arrested, but this is her normal daily behavior.  In fact, the reason that she was pulled over in the first place was because she got mad about somthing and punched the windshield, shattering it.  He reaally was just doing is job.  Then he pulled me aside and asked me if he released her to me, was she going to hurt me.  Of course, I said no.

Does this sound like someone that you want to work with?

Has anyone else had experiences with SS,, good or bad?

-Defeated

[FamilyLaw]

Defeated, please know that I understand how trapped you feel.  I work as a defense attorney, and many of my client's are similar to your daughter

It sounds to me like you need to have a heart to heart talk with her probation officer.  Probation does not seem to be helping her out -- instead of giving her an opportunity to get her life straightened out, it's giving her an opportunity to victimize more people. 

Nobody, not even the Judge, can force you to house your daughter.  The Court doesn't have jurisdiction over you.  If you decide you can no longer live like this, it will be up to your daughter and her probation officer to either find her an approved place to live or revoke her probation.

[ForeverDad]

Ditto.  She's an adult, no one can force you to care for your grown daughter.  Likely the judge presumed you would keep D and continue being her buffer to the world.  Look at the impact it's had on your life thus far.  I'd call it self-preservation and survival when considering what you need to do.  At this point, having lost your home and suffering continuing financial burdens, you don't have any other options.  You can't afford to be nice, sadly.

I've heard that SS commonly rejects most applications.  The recourse is for D to get an attorney to file again.  Please, you can't afford to pay for that too on top of everything else.  Let it be her responsibility and/or consequences.

I presume you're renting now?  I hope you didn't put D on the lease.  That could be a legal complication that limits your options.

[Deb]

Ditto to what FamilyLaw said. Some friends have a dBPD son who was in trouble. They went to court with him and the judge said ge would be released to his parents. They stood up and said "Oh no you won't! He is over 18 and is not allowed to live with us." The judge was a bit shocked, but he found someone else to release the young man to that day. My friends felt a bit guilty, but then they remembered the havoc he had created before he left home at 18.

[Defeated]

No, I did not put her on the lease.  Remember, I lied and said that she was 17 so that they couldn't do a BCI check on her.  That was back in November and I still feel guilty.  I hate lying.

The first time she applied for SS, she let her bf do it.  I don't think that he has more than a handful of brain cells in his entire head, so it came as no surprise that she was denied.

The second time, I applied for her, did the phone interview, etc.  I must have given them a stack of papers at least 4" thick.  Records from her doctors, schools, even the pile of emails between her teachers and I over the years.  I even included an email from her 9th grade English teacher (1st time in the 9th grade).  On the first day of school, she asked the students what they planned on doing when they got older.  My daughter said that she wanted to be a prostitute.  When her teacher asked why, she said because she wouldn't have to pay taxes.  When I asked her why she had said that, she said that the teacher was old and she was hoping that it would kill her.  Now, keep in mind that she wouldn't allow me to bring up her legal problems so again, I wasn't surprised that she was denied.  That was when they said that she could work, but not with the public.

Her defense attorney was supposed to appeal the decision, but she treated him so badly that he wants nothing else to do with her.

She has another attorney now.  One that specializes in SS, but again she was denied.  Again, nothing was mentioned about her legal problems.  Am I crazy for thinking that divulging her legal problems would be beneficial?

I know that she just received a letter from the attorney stating that they had appealed the decision, and that she should not talk to anyone from SS, and that they would handle it.

I have also thought about contacting her PO.  Unfortunately, they just changed her PO.  The old one, she loved.  The new one is a young kid, and the way she tells it, he takes his job way too seriously and is constantly pushing her buttons.  PO or not, she is not going to keep her mouth shut for anyone, and I'm afraid that if I contact him, he's just going to violate her.  He already threatened to violate her because she got two tickets in two weeks, which as far as he is concerned, means that she has had contact with the police and that is a no no.  However, since she is a pathological liar, I have to question absolutely everything she says.

Although, I remember a few months back, she called me at the office.  She was hysterical and said that she needed me to go to the police station to pay a $200 ticket or they were going to suspend her license.   Then she told me that the police station closed in ten minutes.  I was shaking.  I borrowed the $200 from a friend at work, and another friend drove me to the police station.  I was exactly one minute late, and as soon as they asked me who my daughter was, they weren't hearing it.  They did, however, proceed to tell me how disrespectful and out of control she was.  All I could do was apologize profusely while I stood in the middle of the police station balling my eyes out.  I don't think that I have ever been so embarrassed in my life.  Finally, they said that they would take the payment, but that they couldn't guarantee that her license wouldn't be suspended.  However, the next day, I found out that after taking the money, they actually noted her account stating that the payment was made at the last minute, but still on time, which of course was a lie.  So, I called the police station and thanked them since I knew that they didn't have to do that.  I knew that they felt sorry for me, which I find humiliating, but I just couldn't hold back the tears the more they went on and on about her attitude.

Looking back, I almost laugh because I thought that my biggest problem was going to be getting her to dump the boyfriend.  They did eventually break up because her was cheating on her, and guess what?  His father was cheating with the same woman, unbeknownst to his son of course.  Imagine how surprised he was to find out that his crack-addicted daughter was actually his sister.  I remember thinking at the time that it couldn't have happened to a nicer person, which is probably why karma is kicking my butt right now.

Maybe I haven't learned my lesson yet because I don't want to not have a relationship with my daughter.  I know what that is like.  My mother abused me my entire life, but when she started being mean to my children, I decided it was time to move to another state.  Well, that and the fact that we had to check the backyard for syringes before we could let the kids go out and play.  So, first we let the police use our apartment to stake out the drug dealers on our street, which resulted in a huge drug bust, we left.  That was almost 16 years ago, and I didn't hear from my family until 2006 and my mother was in the hospital dying.  I figured out almost immediately why my sisters were bing so nice to me... .   my mother had never added them as beneficiaries, and as the sole beneficiary, I had to obtain and sign over the check for her funeral expenses.  That was it, I haven't heard from them since.  In fact, just last week I was reading the paper (where my sisters live) and I almost died when I saw that my biological father died last May, and my mother's younger sister, died last July.  Apparently, no one thought that I had a right to know.  That hurt.

I guess because I know what it's like to have no one, no family, no friends, I don't want my daughter to go through that too.  It's bad enough that I literally haven't seen her in days.  Since the whole abortion thing, she makes sure that she is out when I get home, and she doesn't come home until after she knows that I am in bed.  The last time we spoke, I saw nothing but pure hatred in her eyes.  What really gets me though, is her father and I both told her that she could not live with us if she planned on keeping the baby.  In fact, my husband was the first to say it, but in her mind, it's like he never said anything.  It's all my fault.  She said that she will take care of it with her father because I am dead to her.

I'm telling you, some day, I should really write a book.

Someone here asked what I thought your members could do to help me.  Honestly, I have come to the realization that this is just my life, and I don't mean to go off on these tangents, but just being able to vent is nice for a change.  Maybe I'll even be able to get off of all of these meds some day.

Thank you all very much.

[mggt]

Hello,  Wow I read your story on other post also I am so very sorry for all your pain and anquish you are going through.  Take time for yourself and take care of yourself .  Alot of people on this site also have very similar storys .  Stay on these boards and they will help you .  God bless you and your family