The Dreaded E-Mail

[maryy16]

Whenever my H rages and we argue, afterwards I will undoubtedly received what I refer to as "the dreaded e-mail". 

In the emails, he will go on and on about how horrible I am, how he's done with me, how everything is my fault, etc., hi-liting stuff in red to emphasize his points. 

I have actually become scared to check my email after an episode because I dread reading them so much. It's one thing to be yelled at and called names, made fun of, etc, but it's another thing to read all his accusations.

I have tried not responding to them, but that just makes him angrier.  I try not to JADE in my responses, but it is difficult because he will outline and bullet-point everything and ask for my "reasons" for doing all the stupid, inconsiderate things that I do.  And, of course, it doesn't really matter what my responses are, because he doesn't believe them anyway.

One the plus side, one time after one of the "dreaded emails", when I got home, he was in a really good mood and said, "I'm okay now, I guess I got it all out when I wrote the email".

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[hithere]

Why not just delete them and not read it or respond... .   and tell him so.  If you don't set up a boundary then you can't be upset when he doesn't know he crossed one.

[joe_schmoe]

My wife does the exact same thing to me. After an argument, I know I am going to get a nastygram from her real soon. When it shows up, I either read it or just ignore it and read it later, but either way, I don't respond to it right away. If she asks why I haven't responded or if I even received it, I'll just say I haven't had time to check my email because I've been too busy. By the end of the day, she pretty much no longer cares about my response. So basically I stopped responding to them and whenever a new one comes in , I am perpetually "too busy" to deal with email right now. She has learned that I probably won't respond any time soon, so she has cut down on the number she sends.

Hope that helps.

[maryy16]

Thanks hithere and joe_schmoe. I think I will use the "I'm busy" excuse from now on and try to ignore them.  I guess somehow in my heart I just hoping that one of those emails will actually be an apology.

[ts919]

My uBPDw does pretty much the same thing, except with texts.  Just don't read it and don't reply.  I started doing that recently and it's worked like a charm.  Pissed her off pretty good at first, but I've gotten them less and less

[Chosen]

maryy16 

I know how that feels.  I get those emails too, although less now.

I used to get about 20 texts in a row (just verbal diarrhea) telling me how absolutely rubbish (with much more colourful language, of course) I am.  Like you, if I don't reply it gets worse.  He will say that I don't accept my character flaws/ wrongs/ whatever, and I don't respect him... .   etc.

I have to say, for now, it hasn't completely stopped, but it has got a lot better.  I don't know if it's what I did but anyhow I'll keep doing it:

- If he calls at work and is in an irritable mood, I usually give him short answers, then will not answer again for a while.  It's easy to cite that I'm busy when I'm at work.

- Same applies for text.

- For email, I read once (skim-read, this is a must so that that kind of rubbish and language don't stay in my mind and make me bitter and angry- which is what he wants), then give some reply, like "I understand.", and just leave it.  Sometimes he is looking for more in my answers and he would get mad, but I would tell him I saw the email, I now know what he is thinking and I will remember, so there is nothing much to reply.  In that way, he can't accuse me of being unacceptant or passive-aggressive.

And one more suggestion: if you can’t keep yourself away from that particular email, delete it once you replied.  No point in making it hurt you twice.

[maryy16]

Great advice, Chosen... .   I will definitely try that. And I do always delete the messages too just because I couldn't stand to read them more to once.

[VeryFree]

We would continu our discussion through the mail. Just as frustrating, but a lot safer.

At last I just responded with one sentence:

I do not agree with most things you say.

I wish I had read this boards before, especially the topics about communication. Too late.  :'(