Being alone/single seems so pointless...

[Dave44]

Well, as another Friday night and weekend approaches I'm reminded of how pointless it is/feels being single and alone. Life is not meant to be spent alone, it just isn't. Don't get me wrong here I'm doing MUCH better than I have been but being alone just feels so pointless. There's nothing to look forward too. Sure I have hobbies and interests but they lack their stimulation without someone in my life. More importantly whenever you're doing something you always know in the back of your mind when it's all done you're going home to an empty house, going to bed alone and waking up alone. Lather, wash, since repeat. 

I've always enjoyed being in a relationship - we all do. However I've never felt so content, complete and satisfied than I have when I was with my uexBPDgf. I can honestly say, when I was living with her I slept better than I ever have in my entire life. When I woke up every morning I was so excited at the day ahead, even if was just another normal day at work. It was just an overwhelming feeling of contentment... .   everyday had meaning and purpose.

Here's to another long boring weekend. I can't wait!

[fakename]

if thats what you tell yourself, that's what you'll believe.

what's deniro say in 'heat'? i'm alone, i am not lonely.

anyway, i can understand how you feel, and everyone is different. but i firmly believe that being able to be comfortable on my own.

why do you partake in your hobbies and interests? to have something to talk about with a significant other, to kill time? or do you do them because you truly enjoy them?

you may be going home to an empty house, but i look at it as, i'm going home to watch a TED talk, or a movie, or to relax or reflect on things or do something productive. i have my friends and family and in time i may just meet someone to have a healthy r/s with.  but i'm not going to dread the time i have on my own now, because i won't have that alone time when i am in a relationship... .  

i dont know. just trying to look at the other side of things. sometimes it helps to change the way we look at things.

i understand where you're coming from, but your thoughts will dictate how you feel. try to be positive.

an dyeah i get the whole excitement thing when waking up next to them or going to sleep next to them. but, i can try to find that on my own too... . and i should, if i want to be healthy. i dont want to have to rely on anyone... .  

[Newton]

Dave ... .   I'm so glad to hear you are doing better right now... .   you have been through the mill recently!... .  

I'm going to play devils advocate here by asking you a question I have to still ask myself repeatedly... .  

"Why is your happiness so tied into someone else"... .  

I appreciate that humans are social animals... .   we are supposed to socialize, attach and create more social networks... .  

Yet whilst that is important for us, I don't think it has to necessarily be our primary purpose... .   that is where I went very wrong before... .  

My hobbies, my goals, my ambitions are valuable... .   I need to take joy from them... .   for the way they make ME feel rather than how I get to share them with someone else... .   it isn't easy to get to this place, but it's important for my well being that I do... .   does this make sense?... .  

[jaird]

Realize this, whether you are alone or with someone else eventually, or just doing things with other people.

The reason it felt so great with your ex was because she was mirroring you, and/or the two of you were enmeshed. Most likely, whatever she was doing to make you feel good, it was not "real".

It may have been "real", and felt "real", while it was happening. But if it was truly real, it would still be happening.

That person you love/loved either did not exist, and was just acting to please you, or no longer exists, and is probably acting to please someone else.

I guess this doesn't sound all that cheerful. I'm sorry for that. But the sooner you realize that this phantom of a person is gone, the sooner you may be able to hang out with normal people and find a healthier partner.

[Wooddragon]

I know this feeling - or a version of it. I enjoy my work, chosen sport, friends etc etc. I know that my BPD relationship was false & the reasons why & I have no desire to go "back there". But the aloneness has a habit of creeping up and biting me - often when I'm least expecting it.

I will hear a comment or joke & my immediate thought is "I must tell that to x - he would think it was interesting/funny and we could talk laugh about it and explore its meaning (or whatever).  I spend the evening with friends who are a couple - they go home together & I curl up on the couch alone. My friend who has been single the same amount as me is already in a new relationship - instead of being happy for her i think "what's wrong with me"?

I think of him when I wake up and he's not there and again at night. I see this as something that just needs to be got thru - one foot in front of another each day. The times I miss him the most are immediately after I have been feeling positive or happy. Knowing he has replaced me & is going thru none of this just twists the knife.T

I honestly believe I will be single for ever from here. I just can't imagine going through the "loved up" stage again with anyone else - even if they were healthy (in which case maybe they wouldn't be attractive to me anyway or worse - they would sense something wrong with me & steer clear... .   Apologies for rambling - weekends tend to be the most difficult I'm finding... .  

[fakename]

Woodragon,

Whether we end up alone or not from here on out isnt something to let possess your thoughts.

I'm in the same shoes as you but I try to remember not to feel bad about myself. I don't know if I'll find someone else and if I do I don't know how things will work out. But I feel like I can't let that dictate my happiness.

This weekend, I'll be good through the same thing another night alone in my bed but it doesn't get me down. I'm enjoying a movie with Clint Eastwood (unforgiven) and tomorrow I'll wake up and make sure to exercise and be productive.   I won't have anyone but myself to share that with but a happy me is all that matters. I'm going to please myself.

I had more bad times with her than good and I wasn't truly happy with her. I'm happier now. Alone.  And free. 

[apple]

There is nothing wrong with being "single" or "alone"  I was single for the majority of my adult years and I enjoyed my life and was happy. I am now starting to move back in the direction to where I was before I met my exw and finding the old me.

I myself, after what I have endured and what I see in the many relationships of the people I know am not certain that there is any value in one anymore.

[momtara]

I know how you feel.  I'm really good at being alone.  I'm a writer.  I read, watch movies... .   but still, it's awful nice to have a person you love, to sleep next to. 

I hope that maybe you can find a great love who does NOT have BPD.  You're a guy, so you're lucky.  I'm female, and finding someone great is a lot harder, I think.  There are a lot of scary guys out there.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you it's okay to feel the way you're feeling.  It takes time to be okay with being single again.

[mitti]

I totally understand where you are coming from Dave44. I feel exactly the same. I have lots of interests and I enjoy my own company but I just don't like being single. Like you I also slept much better than I ever have before in my life when I was together with my ex. Human beings are social creatures and even though we may have to cope with being single I don't believe most people want to be. I read somewhere (sorry can no longer remember where) that research shows that people in happy r/s live longer than single people. OK the key word is happy of course, but still, being single and having nobody to share your life with feels pointless to me also.

[HarmKrakow]

I totally understand where you are coming from Dave44. I feel exactly the same. I have lots of interests and I enjoy my own company but I just don't like being single. Like you I also slept much better than I ever have before in my life when I was together with my ex. Human beings are social creatures and even though we may have to cope with being single I don't believe most people want to be. I read somewhere (sorry can no longer remember where) that research shows that people in happy r/s live longer than single people. OK the key word is happy of course, but still, being single and having nobody to share your life with feels pointless to me also.

Don't like being single? The thing is ofc. why do you feel a need to share something with someone else?

I've been asking myself this question, so many times for the last few months. When I was single, I was feeling fine, I liked social contact, but I also enjoyed times when I was on my own. When you are constantly on your own, you don't like it anymore. When you work 5 days a week, you like to sometimes take it easy, if you don't work, taking it easy makes you bored. When you want something really bad, the days before, you'd be very happy, after you've gotten it, this feeling will diminish.

What you point out, in regards of, feels so useless, is also one of the reasons why we are in an economic downturn. Lot of people cannot accept the fact that they have to live with lesser money and therefore have to 'live with a lower' standard. Sometimes you have to accept changes. It also has to do with peer pressure, and therefore yet again, depending on how you were raised and whether or not everyone has relationships around you.

Do you think those monks feel sad because they are alone? You miss it, because you once had it, would you have missed it if you didn't have it? Lot of people gain a lot of strength out of religion, or have strong ties with their family and therefore never feel alone.

It also has so majorly much to do with the FOO. How you were raised, if you have a lot of brothers of sisters, if you had a lot of friends, if you were always capable of making a lot of friends.

If life is meant to share it with something else, and therefore if we are single, our goal should be to find someone, that is a sad life, above all, the wrong motives. Because it's also causing looney attachment issues the moment you are in a r/s and might create FOG again and the moment you realize it might go wrong, you realize, uh-oh, might become single again. A relationship is an addition to life, not completion of life. That means, our joy or happiness, depends on someone else. Seriously, if you think about it. It means that our joy is based on someone else.

The other way around, if a r/s is going to make sleep better, going to make you feel better, more confident, it means that the relationship is you, brushing your ego, causing FOG. So, the core question is, do we need validation from others that we are good enough? Beautiful enough?

So you ofc. go the question, why do you live?

Go watch this video

www.youtube.com/watch?v=mMRrCYPxD0I

www.youtube.com/watch?v=wU0PYcCsL6o

Btw, i'm an only child, no bros/sis, very small family, no contact with any besides my father and mother but that's just very little and i've been in and out of foster parents and towns and schools when I was younger. Do I know where my problems lie in this sense? Ofcourse, typically my FOO. Big time ... .

[Dave44]

"Why is your happiness so tied into someone else"... .  

This is a question I would give my right arm to understand. I honestly have no idea? Through reading and T I know the ins and outs of it all but I can't seem to change it. That is it summed up in one sentence though -- my happiness in life SOLEY depends on and is tied to my significant other. What a sad existence hey? Codependency at its finest.

I hope that maybe you can find a great love who does NOT have BPD.  You're a guy, so you're lucky.  I'm female, and finding someone great is a lot harder, I think.  There are a lot of scary guys there.

I have to, respectfully completely disagree with you on that one! Absolutely 100% no way. Girls have a far, FAR easier chance of meeting someone as girls do not approach guys. In almost all cases it's the guy approaching or making the first move. Girls get hit on relentlessly as soon as they walk out their front door. How often do you see girls hitting on men? Rarely at best. As for the a lot of scary guys out there comment... .   can't say I disagree with you there but there's also a lot of crazy women out there too.

I've been asking myself this question, so many times for the last few months. When I was single, I was feeling fine, I liked social contact, but I also enjoyed times when I was on my own. When you are constantly on your own, you don't like it anymore. When you work 5 days a week, you like to sometimes take it easy, if you don't work, taking it easy makes you bored. When you want something really bad, the days before, you'd be very happy, after you've gotten it, this feeling will diminish.

Do you think those monks feel sad because they are alone? You miss it, because you once had it, would you have missed it if you didn't have it? Lot of people gain a lot of strength out of religion, or have strong ties with their family and therefore never feel alone.

   

Harm you have raised a VERY good point here. This is exactly how I feel in regards to the sex and my constant obsessing about it. As detailed in another post of mine, I'm really struggling with the constant obsessing and fantasizing over the sex with her. However, when I was with I her I never obsessed about sex with her. Nor did I even fantasize about it. Also, it wasn't like we had sex all the time or anything. Matter of fact I can remember many times crawling in bed at night and not having any desire to have sex with her. It was there whenever I wanted it, so it was really no big deal after a while. That being said it only took a matter of days post break up upon realizing she wasn't coming back when I started to obsess over the sex. I guess he phrase "we only want what we can't have" has some merit here... .  

[jaird]

Wooddragon,

First of all, it is not a race against your friend to see who can find a man faster. In good time, all will come.

Secondly, if your friend broke up from a "normal" r/s, it may be much easier than what we have been through. I'm sure my breakup from this will affect me for life in some way.

And yes, as it is hard that they move on so quickly. As someone pointed out, it's even easier for women. I was jealous that my ex seemed to replace me so quickly. But honestly, any woman that offers a man NSA sex is going to find a partner quickly. And that's just what she did.

I feel much, much better now that I've discovered who he is and seen his picture. And now I realize that a lot of her moving on is about her getting a "payday" for herself someday. She did not plan early enough for her own retirement, and she blamed the men in her life for not "doing enough" for her. Now she had an elderly man who is financially secure. Good riddance to her! And God bless him, if he's lucky, she will just cheat. If he's not lucky... .   oh boy!

[momtara]

I don't agree with the comments above criticizing Dave.  There is nothing wrong with needing another person in our lives.  It's fine to have attachment issues.  It's fine to not want to be alone.  When something good happens to me, I want to share it with someone.  I'm good at being alone, and yet I want to have a relationship, someone to trust.  Unfortunately, I can't trust my stbx.  But I miss the closeness.

But Dave, I gotta tell you, it is *not* easier to find someone if you're a woman.  You said that women don't ask guys out.  Exactly.  It feels too weird.  So we kind of have to wait to be chosen. And no, we don't get hit on when we walk out the door.  Really cute girls do.  Many of us are just average, nice women.  We're not in demand. 

Sure, there are crazy men and crazy women.  It's tough to find the right person. 

There is something healthy about being in a family or a relationship, having someone to go through things with you and watch your back.  Of course, many of us could only rely on our significant others some of the time.  Being alone is less confusing.  But sure, it can get lonely.  And I don't want to date.  I still love my ex even if he has been very hurtful.

[jaird]

It all depends what kind of r/s a woman wants, and what they are willing to give up for that r/s.

As always, the women do hold most of the cards in dating/meeting situations.

[Newton]

Looking at one of the central messages running through CBT therapy shows us that DEPENDENCY on relationships... .   or buying into how other people percieve us... .   and establishing our identity from that source will lead to roller coaster emotions, crushing lows and significant emotional pain... .  

Do I want a partner to share my life with?... .   hell yes... .   Am I now willing to compromise my values or self esteem in order to be with that person?... .   no thanks!... .   It's a very difficult balance to acheive... .   I'm working on it  ... .  

[jaird]

":)o not base your happiness on something that can go away"

[GlennT]

Whoa Bro; If you do anything while being alone and single don't do what I just did. I started emailing off a dating site with a woman because we had our hearts broken blah blah... .   soo she starts in with the magnificient... . I wanna come there... .   live in a house with you... .   after two weeks to a month  All the knowledge of the years I spent on this board, kicked in. Yet... . I started missing all those emails morning noon and night, and phone calls  Soo... . then I discover she is doing this with a dozen other dudes, and of course she denied. I never intended to actually go anywhere with her but still there are feelings. Beware Bro.

[momtara]

i felt pretty lonely today.  Not only lonely, but just missing the person my stbxh could be.  I wish I could find the cure for the mental illness that keeps my stbx from being what I need.  If only there were medication for BPD.  Maybe someday.

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm a lot better out of a relationship with her than in it, and being alone and being lonely are two different things.  But when it was good between us, in the beginning, it was very good, and I want that, in a healthy, sustainable way.

It's said water finds its own level, and I choose to believe I got into that relationship for a reason, I had growing to do and things to learn, and it was a step towards the legendary relationship that's in my future, which I feel much more suited for and capable of now.

[HarmKrakow]

i felt pretty lonely today.  Not only lonely, but just missing the person my stbxh could be.  I wish I could find the cure for the mental illness that keeps my stbx from being what I need.  If only there were medication for BPD.  Maybe someday.

Chances come and go, don't mourn about something what could be.

Whats the literal point of thinking, "what if I could have done this or that", like seriously people. I mean that.

Someone who is ill, there is no point of thinking of hoping what could be, thats on purpose hurting yourself. And believe me, I know what im talking about, my mother got instituionalized since I was 3 in a psychiatric ward cuz she can't take care of herself. Should I mourn the rest of my life hoping for what IF?

We all hope we could cure cancer one day, but it's better to do all means neccesary which is available and enjoy the rest of the time which is left.

Feeling alone because of something you could have had is the same as feeling sad for not getting that christmas gift from ur parents which u were hoping for but didnt get. The problem with this is, you are doing it to yourself, why? Are the other gifts from ur parents not good enough?

[fakename]

i agree with harmkrakow, but i can understand that those that are still pondering the what if's or wishing they could have their ex during the good times or whatever are still in that stage of grieving... .  

ultimately, i'm also at a point where i dont care, even the good times with her (i can hardly remember them any more) aren't that appealing to me.  i really dont care about her anymore, nothing was real or intended specially for me and i dont allow people who lie cheat and manipulate in my life, and for whatever reasons, i kept her in my life for far too long.  i think the only thing i miss about her is her body, but given that i'm not too interested in an std, i'll be moving on with that too. she just seems tainted to me now. (funny how she didnt before)... .  

anyway, i'm putting more of a focus spending more time worrying about myself and what i need to do, and i'm at a stage where i feel more comfortable in doing that, rather than it being forced... .   even my workouts, i dont do cause i'm trying to escape or cause i desperately need the endorphins, but rather because i'm trying to build on the progress i've done so far and also i have goals of what i want to be able to do physically... .   next step is moving back towards to my creative projects. maybe within a week.

i feel i'm ready to date, but i'm taking my time, and not going into it desperately, and also i dont want to start awakening any feelings of dependence, feeling i'm not enough if i'm rejected, and just not looking to do it out of desperation... .   maybe i should say i'm not ready to date, but ready to be open to meeting others, but i still want more comfort and confidence in being alone and making sure have a solid grip of my identity and what i enjoy doing and what i enjoy about myself before someone else enters my life (whether its short-term or long-term dating)

what also helped me a lot was being more realistic and not be so carelessly hopeful (thinking she'll be cured or that i could help)... .   hope is no good in instances like this. will kill ya.


maybe i digressed... .   maybe not. but i'll be alone again tonight, and i'm perfectly fine with that. did all that i wanted to do today, and will spend my night later relaxing to a movie... .   thats a good night to me.

[Wooddragon]

i felt pretty lonely today.  Not only lonely, but just missing the person my stbxh could be.  I wish I could find the cure for the mental illness that keeps my stbx from being what I need.  If only there were medication for BPD.  Maybe someday.

i am thinking that the person i am missing is not my ex but the person that i used to be before the breakup.  i think i will come out the other side of this sadder but wiser and hopefully much less judgmental about things that dont matter but more alert to the   and issues that do.

i am generally a pretty private person but i shared a lot of myself with him and i miss being able to be open with someone (of course i was punished for this openness when it was thrown back at me after i became "not good enough".

i disagree that it is easier for women to meet men (of course since i am a woman and thats my perspective  ).  interestingly female friends of mine who have visited the US are amazed that men will actually approach them and ask them out for a coffee or a drink! - the situation with australian men is comparatively dire and often it is the case here that women approach men.  men like my ex who are confident to approach women are in the minority.  the only two times i have been hit on/asked out for a coffee walking out the door (or down the street in fact) was by american men.  i was so shocked i actually didnt know what to say!

i guess that recovery from a BPD relationship is a case of 2 steps forward and one back... . i am missing him much less today and have taken on board a lot of the comments on this thread so many thanks for those   

[HarmKrakow]

i agree with harmkrakow, but i can understand that those that are still pondering the what if's or wishing they could have their ex during the good times or whatever are still in that stage of grieving... .  

ultimately, i'm also at a point where i dont care, even the good times with her (i can hardly remember them any more) aren't that appealing to me.  i really dont care about her anymore, nothing was real or intended specially for me and i dont allow people who lie cheat and manipulate in my life, and for whatever reasons, i kept her in my life for far too long.  i think the only thing i miss about her is her body, but given that i'm not too interested in an std, i'll be moving on with that too. she just seems tainted to me now. (funny how she didnt before)... .  

anyway, i'm putting more of a focus spending more time worrying about myself and what i need to do, and i'm at a stage where i feel more comfortable in doing that, rather than it being forced... .   even my workouts, i dont do cause i'm trying to escape or cause i desperately need the endorphins, but rather because i'm trying to build on the progress i've done so far and also i have goals of what i want to be able to do physically... .   next step is moving back towards to my creative projects. maybe within a week.

i feel i'm ready to date, but i'm taking my time, and not going into it desperately, and also i dont want to start awakening any feelings of dependence, feeling i'm not enough if i'm rejected, and just not looking to do it out of desperation... .   maybe i should say i'm not ready to date, but ready to be open to meeting others, but i still want more comfort and confidence in being alone and making sure have a solid grip of my identity and what i enjoy doing and what i enjoy about myself before someone else enters my life (whether its short-term or long-term dating)

what also helped me a lot was being more realistic and not be so carelessly hopeful (thinking she'll be cured or that i could help)... .   hope is no good in instances like this. will kill ya.


maybe i digressed... .   maybe not. but i'll be alone again tonight, and i'm perfectly fine with that. did all that i wanted to do today, and will spend my night later relaxing to a movie... .   thats a good night to me.

Exactly, when I was in my BPD relationship, I remember I could enjoy a movie on my own, and when I broke up, I couldn't. That is a simple story of ur head playing tricks on you. You are not your thoughts.

If people will force themselves in dating because of the dating and will do this because they frantically feel alone will probably sink deeper, compare all to the ex BPD and feel nothing compared to her.

What im saying, whatever frantic efforts you do in order to fill this void within you bcause of the break up, you'll end hurting yourself more and might do your self even more damage. Frantic efforts are always the wrong motive.

Yeah but Harm, I feel alone, and well, I want someone in my life again! You don't think I don't want that either? What makes us different than the BPD's is that we actually mourn, process and grief about our losses while our BPD partners don't. And don't get me wrong, just a half an hour ago I was in tears because I know my ex (just a few weeks broken up) is to a seek love party fest where you dress a specific color if you want to find love. As exactly what she has been doing since the moment she left me, party hardy, drunk and part 4 nights a week if not 5, sometimes till 3 pm. And of course throwin g it all in my face... .

Funny thing is, the moment she has a moment for herself and feels alone she calls me, says i hurted her etc.

Irony... .

[fakename]

@wooddragon,

austrailia sounds my kind of place! i love when women do the approaching... .   i hope to see that happening when i start being more social!

i think its perfectly natural for you to hurt when you give so much of yourself to someone... .   i know thats why the feelings of i'm not good enough came about for me, and probably why i put up with all the cheating... .  

yeah i can def. see how its 2 steps forward one step back, but i think that's natural too.  i'm on i think 4 good days in a row right now and i hope the streak keeps going!  still think about her when i wake up and throughout the day, but i'm not obsessing and its completely different... .   like i've said many times since i felt it - i feel more free... .  

@harmkrakow,

yeah frantic efforts and frantic efforts without trying to address your issues beforehand def. spells bad news... .   2 years ago it led to me being very needy when i did try to date and just drinking a whole lot of alcohol and just being in a different world... .  

that's rough to know she's doing stuff like that harm... .   i'm at the point where i know she's dating someone else, (she's probably sleeping with him right now for all i know), but dont really care.  it feels good feeling like that. i hope you get there when the time is right for you.

do you pick up the phone when she calls you?

anyway, you sound like you're doing a lot better than a couple weeks ago... .   i hope i'm reading that right, and if i am, i'm proud of you.  hope you keep it going

[Wooddragon]

So I went & had a look on an on line dating site - out of curiosity about how I would feel about it. Assuming all was as described (for the purposes of the exercise) there seemed to be some ok guys on there. But I realised that I have zero interest in connecting in that way (ie a dating way) with anyone at the moment & more importantly that I feel ok about that. It felt quite liberating in fact. I'm only a couple of months out so I'm planning to spend a good deal of time just learning to be me again (hopefully an improved version).

Yes I miss him & yes I am going to have a lot more bad days. 4 good days in a row would be a record but if & when I achieve that I will know that slowly the loss is receding. I am thinking of my recovery as if I had broken my leg. I wouldn't be skiing again in 2 months either!