I feel so confused

[Cloudy Days]

I'm really sick of hearing my husband tell me he wants a divorce and then to hear him list all the things he hates about me. Some of the things are understandable feelings though, for instance, I can't have children and he wants children. Personally I think that may be a blessing for me, having children with this man would just put more responsiblity onto me. He's getting therapy and his rage is starting to get under control. But he still splits me obviously. My husband kept telling me last night that he is letting me go. I asked something like this question in the staying board when I first came to this site and I was given the impression that when they say they want to leave they don't mean it. But what if they do. Just because he has mental problems doesn't mean he can't actually change his mind about being married to me. He keeps telling me that his therapist is telling him to leave me. In her defense it is so he won't hurt me any more. She's telling him to stop hurting me, but I also know that he probably has told her that he wants to leave me and she probably said well then do it. I've told him how I feel, but I'm getting more and more confused every time he does this crap. When someone tells you they want a divorce every day, your gonna want one too.

So, I just feel stuck. I don't really know how I feel. A part of me wants to run away from him as fast as I can. Another part of me wants to continue to help him and love him because I do love him. It's not always bad, he has his good days where he does act like he cares about me. I've even seen tremendous improvement in his behavior. It's starting to feel like an act to me though. I know it's not but when he is showering me with affection I can't help but remember the day before when he told me how much he wanted to leave me.

I have a completely different veiw of things from a year ago when I first found this site. I was in it for the long haul, now I'm not so sure. I know I don't need him in my life to be happy, or any man for that matter.

[sadeyes]

I don't have the advice but I have heard get the f out more times than I can count. I believe mine does mean it at the moment, but probably doesn't mean it in the overall picture. He has also told me at other times how thankful he is that I didn't leave him when he said that.

I have decided next time he says it, I am going to leave for a few days at least. I am tired of his "threats" on the subject. I am tired of him using this to hurt me, because he thinks I won't leave. I am tired of choosing what he means and what he doesn't. I am going to take him at his word next time.

I

[Cloudy Days]

Well, 8 years ago I would have begged him to stay, what a stupid girl I was. I have started to tell him if that's what he wants then fine, I'm not holding him back, I don't want to be married to someone who doesn't love me. I don't have the guts to say it how I want to though.

[sadeyes]

I read the advice below at some point in another post.

Maybe say something like this... .  

Him: I want a divorce

You: I love you and I don't want a divorce. But if you do, I will not fight you. But because I do not want a divorce, you will need to be the one to file.

Walk away

This deals with the abandonment issues for him, but.kinda puts the ball in his court in terms of quit making threats and do it if that's what he wants.

[crazylife]

Perhaps taking a weekend off  from him would help. You might feel like you can tell him while you are away better than in person. My uBPDh kept threatening divorce and initially I said if you want one you need to go file because I am not getting another divorce. He never would. It shut him up though for a while. Finally after about 2 years of being painted black he threatened me with getting rid of my dogs. I then said the dogs and I would be happy to leave together with my dogs and he would be rid  of  all of us. I also told him I wold file for a contested divorce and tie him up in court as long as it took becuase if he was forcing my hand I was going to let the judge decide what was fair,not him. Surprised the crap out of him. I have not heard the ":)" word since. But I have not been confrontational with him hardly ever. I dont like the way I feel inside to have to get nasty and negative. This time however I was sick and tired of the threats. I know this wont work for everyone but it is food for thought.

[benny2]

Yes mine would tell me to get out every time he raged. I honestly thought he meant it, so I found an apartment and left. However, I don't really think he wanted me to leave. I did not know of the disorder at the time. I probably could have done things alot different if I had. Now, I don't think I could ever live with the man again.