Do you have a savior complex?

[paperlung]

I certainly do. I'll never forget the day my ex opened up to me, which was really early on, about her past. She was in tears, and she even had me crying. It was after that moment that I decided to do everything in my power to fix her/keep her happy/give her a better life with me.

5 months into out relationship she broke up with me over the phone one night out of the blue. One of her reasons was because I was "too submissive". 5 hours later she's wanting me back. And I was submissive. I acted that way because how badly her ex-boyfriends apparently treated her. I didn't want to hurt her feelings. Ever. Didn't want to make her cry. Never.

After her comment she made about me, I started to challenge her more, which often led to minor conflict.

I have a tendency to put other people's needs ahead of mine, and if they're not happy, neither am I. This is something I'm definitely going to talk about with my T next week.

[laelle]

I think its human nature to want to help someone in need.  I dont think that necessarily is a bad thing.

Its what kind of crap we are willing to take in these relationships while still trying to fix their endless bag of needs.

Needing to be needed to the extent that we give up ourselves and our own needs.

At least the knight in shining armor got to live happily ever after.  Where is my happily ever after?

[elessar]

I think its human nature to want to help someone in need.  I dont think that necessarily is a bad thing.

Its what kind of crap we are willing to take in these relationships while still trying to fix their endless bag of needs.

Needing to be needed to the extent that we give up ourselves and our own needs.

At least the knight in shining armor got to live happily ever after.  Where is my happily ever after?

I was going to reply but what laelle said. got nothing to add.

Honestly, I did. Now that I am convinced she has BPD, I do not anymore. Yes, it is human nature to want to help. But you can't help a BPD. I have been trying for years and years with misery. Cannot force help on them or anyone else or that matter.

[elessar]

and paperlung, that is how my relationship began with my ex. and that is how all her recycles have started too. the damsel in stress where she is crying, i am crying, i am hugging her, then a kiss. then the cycle starts. few weeks to months later when she is completely alright, "bye bye".

[GreenMango]

There's a difference between enabling and supporting.  It's a grey area - knowing when someone intends to help themself and when they want someone to fix it.

Supporting can be hard it requires boundaries, self reflection, and sometimes feeling uncomfortable because it may not be enough for other person. 

People with BPD can have a lot of needs. 

Everyone has a limit on what they can give.  

[daze]

Probably so.  If not a savior complex, a codependent complex where I think if I do this or that, it will fix the person or r/s.  FOO issue.

[laelle]

Toward the end of our relationship I really struggled with this.  

There's a difference between enabling and supporting.  It's a grey area - knowing when someone intends to help themself and when they want someone to fix it.

Supporting can be hard it requires boundaries, self reflection, and sometimes feeling uncomfortable because it may not be enough for other person.  

People with BPD can have a lot of needs.  

Everyone has a limit on what they can give.  



There was such a huge reality gap here that my feelings for him could not close it.

All for him and none for me.

[Finished]

I don't know if this counts as a savior complex. I wasn't out to save my ex.

BUT ... .   I did want to prove I wasn't as bad as some of my ex's past relationships. "I"m a good person. I would never act that way ... .   BLAH BLAH BLAH" ... .  

Truth is ... .   I am a good person ... .   Except everyone has a breaking point ... .   Took me about 2 years before I reached mine and then, yeah, I started to exhibit some of those very behaviors I said were not apart of my emotional/behavioral makeup ... .  

I wasn't out to save my ex exactly ... .   I was out to show him that all people don't act like he had described ... .   That I was one of the "good one's".

Problem was ... .   He wasn't out to be one of the "good one's" for me.

Today, I am who I am. If it reminds you of a negative past experience that's your problem, not mine. If you think I'm a good person. Great ... .   If you think I'm a bad person ... . .that's ok too.

One of my favorite quotes is "It's none of my business what other people think of me" (rephrased) ... .  

[Diligence]

Dear paperlung,

Yes, I used to feel comfortable when I was in a position to be helpful to someone else.  I have learned that this desire does not correspond to a healthy, reciprocal type of relationship.  Rather, it describes a relationship where eventually one feels superior and the other feels inferior. 

I struggle with feeling less than other people so I am tempted to look for relationships in which I can feel important.  The trouble with this approach is that my superior stance (even if I think I am being humble) nurtures resentment in the other person.  Neither I nor the other person benefits from this type of unbalanced relationship.

Your post made me wonder anew how many of us on this board have gone into helping/service professions.

Warm regards!

[Pearl99]

Thank you for raising this question. My own savior complex has been weighing heavily on my heart the past few days. I feel terrible for having to end my engagement and all contact with my ex. I feel like a horrible hypocrite and so ashamed that I cut someone I love out of my life. The whole relationship was one big push/pull cycle with me always needing to prove my loyalty to him. He would get so worried and worked up about not trusting me -- though I did nothing to merit mistrust -- that I would have to reassure him and say, "I am not going to end this relationship. I am faithful". He kept pushing and pushing, testing my boundaries and devotion with more and more verbal and emotional attacks, that I caved and walked out on him. I wasn't true to my words, that I would not end the relationship and that I would be with him no matter what, and I feel tremendous shame. How do you cope with the shame of leaving someone and being haunted by your past words telling him/her you would not leave and are trustworthy?