how do we contribute the relationship failures?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I have be thinking about thus alot. Im trying find my responsbility in the relation failure and I cant. I have in past relationships I knew I had 5o percent. I had faults and I did fail or add to the problems and I cant seem to find it here.

Maybe in the first year I could. I didnt know about BPD and when she pushed me away, I would try harder. When she accused me of things I wasnt doing I defended myself. I think that is all a normal repsonse. She would end it and pushed me away it was becasue she could trust love, so I worked harder. Whens he pushed aways it was because of how said something, so I would would watched what I said and how I said.

once I learned about bPD I tried to stop all taht behavior. When she raged I took a breather from her. That kicked in her abondement issues. When she accused I tried to just state facts and not argue and she would then accuse me of not caring anymore or say I was arguing when I wasnt. When she said I didnt help her I did more of the work in teh relationship. Then she would say it was fair that I was doing more work then she was and she need to end the relationship because It wasnt fair to me. When I didnt defend myself anymore she would become more vicious until it became unbareable. When I stood up to her and told her what I thought, then I was mean to her. So what could have I done any diffrent to make it work.

[mitchell16]

I have be thinking about thus alot. Im trying find my responsbility in the relation failure and I cant. I have in past relationships I knew I had 5o percent. I had faults and I did fail or add to the problems and I cant seem to find it here.

Maybe in the first year I could. I didnt know about BPD and when she pushed me away, I would try harder. When she accused me of things I wasnt doing I defended myself. I think that is all a normal repsonse. She would end it and pushed me away it was becasue she could trust love, so I worked harder. Whens he pushed aways it was because of how said something, so I would would watched what I said and how I said.

once I learned about bPD I tried to stop all taht behavior. When she raged I took a breather from her. That kicked in her abondement issues. When she accused I tried to just state facts and not argue and she would then accuse me of not caring anymore or say I was arguing when I wasnt. When she said I didnt help her I did more of the work in teh relationship. Then she would say it was fair that I was doing more work then she was and she need to end the relationship because It wasnt fair to me. When I didnt defend myself anymore she would become more vicious until it became unbareable. When I stood up to her and told her what I thought, then I was mean to her. So what could have I done any diffrent to make it work.

[hithere]

she would become more vicious until it became unbareable. When I stood up to her and told her what I thought, then I was mean to her. So what could have I done any diffrent to make it work.

Exact same story for me.  I am not sure you could have done anything to save this type of relationship because there is no logic or reality for that matter.  The only way you could have did better is to realize this early on and avoided the hell of BPD.  Don't let this failed relationship make you uncertain of yourself. 

[mitchell16]

thats what i though but I have read people say we contribute to the dysfuntion and the failure and im trying to find my area of responsibility. In past realtionships it was very easy to know excatley were I was at fault and how I could change things. But this one after 7 weeks of  racking my brain I just can see it. If we wasnt so compatible when times  I would just chaulk it up to it wasnt ment to be. But when she was not doing her routine we got along great. I know that a big what if. But finding my reposnbility has been tough.

Like I said before BPD I did everything wrong becasue I was dealing with it as a normal relatiship where someone was just insecure. I tried to show her she could trust me, I tried to show her I lover her, I tried to show her that if she pushed I wouldnt leave her. But once I relized her bPD then I tried other ways nothing worked.

[hithere]

Well, I am not sure if we did nothing wrong but I think of it like we could never have done anything right... .   like the samples you gave.

I think more along the lines of, it is not worth wasting time trying to figure out if we actually did anything wrong because the whole relationship was WRONG, so better to move on a focus on doing right things in a healthy relationship.

[recoil]

Sometimes I think I contributed to the failure of the relationship merely by giving her the love she didn't know how to receive.

I opened doors.  I sent flowers for no reason (not gimmicky red roses either).  I wrote letters (not just email).  I helped with all problems.  I gave my time.  I treated her like a wife.  I took in and loved her kids.

I did start walking on eggshells though.  That wasn't good.  When I began to ask why things were changing (after the honeymoon stage), I was met with tears every time.  Naturally, I never wanted to do anything to make her cry.  So I started modifying my behavior to avoid those tears.

That's when I started accepting less.  It seems the less I accepted, the less she would give.  I finally cracked and said I deserved better and walked away.

If there was a 1-10 scale on BPD, I'd give her a 2 or 3.  She functions at work.  But when she is stressed, issues arise.  I worked hard to remove all those stresses -- I just couldn't (nobody can).  It's too bad too.  We made a really good team a lot of the time.  We were synced so well, I thought we were both tuned in toward each other.  I guess, during those times, we were.  But the level of anxiety she was under was just too great.

[HarmKrakow]

Simple ... .

How do we contribute? We allow them to walk over us ... . we allow them to slowly take control over us ... . slowly ... . day by day ... . until were dead fish.

How do we feed this disease? By giving them material daily which they can throw back at us. None, and I repeat NONE of my mates would have taken the crap I took from my ex. And if anyone else besides my ex would have done to me what she did, I would have told them to ~ off, go away and cut them out of my life but ... .

Because the idealization phase was so strong ... . you TAKE the crap ... . and you ALLOW her to walk over ... . this ALLOWANCE is feeding it ... . why? because it's just weak ~ ... . from our part ... . and they feed on our weakness ... .

A normal person would never take ~ like BPDers treat us ... . and we are normal ... . but we were in love ... . why were we in love? Simple ... . because of the idealization phase if that wasn't the case ... . we wouldn't have taken this ___ing crap either.

[VeryFree]

Our role was: we let it happen.

The question you'll have to ask yourself is: why did you let it happen?

Love? Probably, but try to look deeper inside you.

A lot of us have certain problems of our own, that contribute to us hooking on BPDs.

[mitchell16]

alot good input. Why did I put up with it. Good question, never would have before. Never have. I think mine caught me at very vulnerable state. I was coming out of a divorce which I did alot of blaming. I relized that I ahd become emotinally unavailable in my marrige after a a serious illeness for  several years. I battled it and won but paid a terrible price by neglecting my wife. I vowed never to do that again with someone I loved so when I met BPDGF i fell head over heels. I mean she was beautiful, smart, exciting and acted crazy about me. So I thought I had found the one. So everytime she had a break down over something I supposedly did, I did my best to fix "my mistakes" because I didnt wnat to lose someone I loved again, becasue of crap. so I thought. But the only way I could have stopped her behavior was just walk away. It would have saved me two years of heartache but I still would of had the love of my life. So in my mind it was losing all the way around.

[Surnia]

My contribution to a unhealthy rs was similar like harms, tolerating things that should be not accepted.

I tried to fix it with more perfectionism.

I was used from childhood that love is not "for free." I had to fulfill the needs and expectations from my relatives. And they always knew what was good for me and what not. This was a very good breading ground for a unhealthy rs.

I have now a little sticker on my bathroom mirror: I am not in this world to be like others think I should be.

[ScotisGone74]

How did we contribute?  Mainly by trying to be logical to an illogical person/relationship and sticking around way past our expiration date.   You can't reason, explain, or compromise with Crazy. 

[seeking balance]

My contribution was ever changing boundaries that went against my core values because I didn't want to be the one to end it.

Knowing more about the disorder itself, I am a realist, say it like it is... .   this can be an invalidating environment for a pwBPD - it is something I  am more mindful of in general as there are  A LOT of highly emotional people in the world that are not BPD.

[mitchell16]

I found that by putting up bonderies just made it all worse and nothing worked. It might work for a few hours and a few days but it usually came back even stronger. So I guess there would have been no way to salvage it. so in the end it wouldnt have matter what I did. I would have got the same results. so the only person I really could have helped in ong run would ahve been me. I wouldnt have wasted so much time.

[OTH]

Boundaries are not to protect the relationship or to improve things for your partner. They are to protect your core self and your values. They are solely for you. Where is Mitchell's best interests in the equation of this relationship? What happens when we focus too much of our energy on our partner and not enough on our own self care? Could this be an issue?

I found that by putting up bonderies just made it all worse and nothing worked. It might work for a few hours and a few days but it usually came back even stronger. So I guess there would have been no way to salvage it. so in the end it wouldnt have matter what I did. I would have got the same results. so the only person I really could have helped in ong run would ahve been me. I wouldnt have wasted so much time.

[mitchell16]

OTH, I can see your point I guess by putting up teh bounderies I wouldnt have lost so much of myself. I guess I wasthinking by putting up the bounderies I could have save the relationship. I had it wrong. I was always looking how to make it work and save it. Bounderies would have protected my interest. It really amzaing how I have never let someone do this to me. If they could repsect me as a person I walked. Still struggleing on how i got here. I why i didnt walk the fist time she showed her true colors why I had to wait for two years and countless episodes of some sort of drama.

[coffee shop]

I agree with those stating that we allow them to walk all over us. I would just agree because it was easier and I didn't stand up for myself. Once that pattern started it was very difficult for him to accept when I started to take a stand. After that it was all confrontation.

I wanted to think things would work out even though I knew the relationship was not right. I loved the parts that were right. That is not being honest, and that is where I know I contributed to the failure. In reality I knew there were problems very early on but ignored them because I wanted it to work.

[Clearmind]

Mitchell, we all learn our relationship skills from our parents or primary care givers. Its likely you relived a childhood script of needing to rescue, fix and not look out for your needs.

The answer lies in your past. Dig deep.

What did you get from the relationship that you could not fulfill in yourself?

[Hurt llama]

Determining your culpability in a relationship with a BPD is tricky. Firstly, it's not a 'one size' fits all answer.

It's also a fine line to decide how much to look inside... .   clearly yes, we were there and a part of it and certainly we can be triggered back to inevitable pain that we all have experienced as very young children. But there is a danger (for some) to take too much responsibility... .   and therein lies some of the potential danger in traditional therapy where most therapists by training and almost definition are not inclined to approach the process as in some way perhaps NOT to take responsibility (I probably could write that better... . )

But the point is I have wasted time digging too deep into our dynamics and going endlessly into my own issues as a child... . Yet I've done that work... .   deep work already... . Not to suggest I was 'done' or had 'graduated' but it was not only not helpful to go down that road, it wasted some time, money and didn't really help identify what was really going on and approaching it from the perspective of many of the similarities of being exposed to a BPD person which clearly has some very identifiable and clear side effects.

Lastly, I see a clear danger in over estimating our contributions to the failure... . Here's why. I think there can be a way that in concentrating unduly on our 'contribution' can almost lie a 'wish'... . in that "if we only did it differently" maybe it could have worked.

And yes, in some cases that is true... . In my own case, I felt it might be true and just tried again... .   and it lasted 48 hours... .   The reason in my case was I overestimated my ability to push aside my fears and in obvious reality... .   continuing with her, unless we had the help and plan to enlist and follow some disciplines, was akin to taking a leap of faith that felt like jumping off of the roof believing I could fly. I decided to listen to that little voice inside that said... . "if I accept what she just said to me" (about going to an event wiht an ex) that I would be participating in my destruction... .   and I just said... .   "no thank you baby... .   it's not gonna happen." And there was no drama, no yelling as she packed her things and left.

Very tough question as to how much we should feel responsible for... .   there is a danger in taking too much responsibility.