BPD and sexual addiction

[Rocknut]

My ex BPD boyfriend was addicted to sex. Literally, you COULD NOT lay on the couch, bed with him without him wanting to take this pants off. This was great at first, but I quickly noticed it was abnormal.

Toward the end, he actually told me, "sex is the only way I feel anything." Is this part of the impulsiveness?

[Want2know]

I wouldn't say it's impulsiveness... .   I would agree that it is probably a way that he can feel something, in the moment, and may be one thing that he actually feels he excels at.  I know that's how my ex was... .   he used to say that he thought sex was the only thing he was really good at, and therefore 'used' it as much as he could to feel better about himself.  Pretty sad, actually.

[Rocknut]

Yowch, that is sad.

I remember reading that self mutilation is a way for BPDs to "feel." I suppose sex is the same way.

[Sleep doc]

They do have impulse control issues but that comes from processing emotions that are in the now and not with sex necessarily.  Sex for BPD is either a tool to use against you or a tool they use to numb their feelings of abject loneliness, self loathing, what have you.  I will say this because I did get one benefit of being friends with my BPD before any relationship is that I got to see facets of the behavior impartially.  She was always in one mess or another when it came to guys.  Leaving her clothes here, her underwear there, losing earrings and often being stuck in bathrooms or strange situations where using sex as a tool to gain control with a situation she was in didn't work.  She would perpetually use sex as the only tool she had to deal with sociopathic narcissists that she would engage in relationships with either as a way to even the score or to feel good about herself when they were making her feel bad.  I mean engage physically with male roommates and her friends boyfriends with very little "real" remorse.  She always pursued purely "casual" relationships because sex at the time she was having it (especially if she was inebriated) made her feel wanted on some level without an emotional attachment that would hurt so deeply if it left.  And she would take men that her cousins, best friends and even sister found attractive or had feelings for just because it satisfied HER need and she could - it was validating her deep need to be loved.  If you do that enough, or allow yourself to get abused enough, then sex starts losing it's meaning. It's an act of emotional as well as physical intimacy. 

One girl who had real feelings for me but was with another guy (for a variety of reasons a relationship between us wasn't going to work) used to tell me that she would pretend he was me during sex on occasion.  Good or bad that shows that sex for her is to some degree about the other person even if it is not the person she was with.  I truly believed her as she was always a serial monogamist and has proven to be (and proven to be an amazing friend). My exBPDgf would say when she was sleeping with other guys that she only thought of the act (or nothing but the sex really).  I know what she is saying now.  She only thought of how sex made HER feel at the time not the other person.  The other person was actually irrelevant because their job was to just make HER feel anything.  When you think about it... .   that's really sad.  So sad that when we were discussing who was the last guy she had been intimate with before me; she mentioned someone who was the last guy she slept with in college (not that long ago really).  She had literally forgotten about sleeping with my colleague or the guy she is sleeping with now who she also slept with while we were together (she did remember him by saying he "doesn't count).  It shows that sex for her was purely an act.  She had used sex with my colleague to get me to commit to our relationship which is why she had forgotten it as an act at all.  She would even say condescendingly "I'm sorry you've only ever slept with two people" as if this is a condemnation of a person rather than a testament to their value on sex and their character.  Like I said, sex for many of them is just the only tool they have to self sooth or manipulate.  Once you realize that it was all about how it made THEM feel then its easier to realize it never really mattered at all.  Like I say now, it is some other guys problem.

[mrclear]

I am convinced that in new BPD relationships, the initial intensity of erotic passion of the Borderliner sweeps people away, but their motive is double-edged. On the one side, it comes from the instinctive built-in, turbulent emotionality of their disorder. But the other side of them is driven by an equally instinctual and concentrated need to control their partners and to keep them close.

Intensity is their weapon. The sexual experiences, while imposing, are motivated from a desire to dominate, not please. Sex isn’t an act of true intimacy for them, but rather another way for them to feel admired and in control or to literally “fill” their emptiness. They achieve an emotional high and mistake those brief moments of ecstasy for love and happiness, but they are not.

Their adaptation of “I love you” actually means: “I need you to love me”and “That was the best ever for me” means: “Tell me it was the best ever for you”; “Tell me I have you”. In the end, they feel emptier than before. When the need for consistency of intimacy in their partner arises, they withdraw it. Since the carnal act is separate for them, they will only have sex when they want it or use it. After a while it is usually when their partner has been so emotionally abused and beaten down that he/she no longer has any interest in touching them. Eventually, this causes their partners to feel used and distant, instead of loved and emotionally connected.

mrclear

[Surrender]

My ex BPD boyfriend was addicted to sex. Literally, you COULD NOT lay on the couch, bed with him without him wanting to take this pants off. This was great at first, but I quickly noticed it was abnormal.

Toward the end, he actually told me, "sex is the only way I feel anything." Is this part of the impulsiveness?

I feel somewhat relieved in reading this because I spent quite a lot of time trying to figure out why my ex-UBPD suffered from compulsive masturbation in a way I had never before seen. It seemed so off balance to me. In many ways it tormented my ex and made him suffer greatly. Sometimes he would break out in rages and threaten that if he could castrate himself he would do it.

It was sad to see as he couldn't leave many days until he masturbated 6 or 7 times (ejaculating each time). We could never just make love once but instead it had to be an intimacy involving multiple masturbation sessions as though that was mandatory. He would tell me that was the only thing that made him feel good and gave him relief from his internal agony.

Thanks for posting this because I really needed to understand this. I have felt quite alone for the past couple of years dealing with this and not being able to talk to anyone.

[Surrender]

I'm a little surprised that this thread hasn't received more attention because I believe that it is quite relevant. I don't know about anyone else but in my situation I had no one to talk to about this. I noticed what was particular to my own situation and realized that it was a strong indication of something being very very wrong. At the time I had no idea about BPD but I was collecting all the twisted signs along the way.

As for me I'd like to know more about this part of it all because I can't help but think that even though I didn't have a clue at the time about BPD I knew he was responding symptomatically to something that was utterly upsides in his world, in him.

Sometimes I felt like I was watching from the outside and saw a person in desperation for relief. My ex-UBPD seemed like he was addicted to ejaculating but it wasn't really because it was so much fun but rather because he was tormented and had to. Then of course there was also the compulsive picking of his skin, blemishes and anything on his flesh as well. He was covered in scars which was sad because he is beautiful.

I want to add that my ex was unable to retain full time employment. There was always a reason, justifications for not keeping a job. Truth is there are plenty of hours in a day devoted to his compulsive masturbation and picking. Interestingly in terms of intimacy between two people sharing in love making, he seemed to be more interested in adopting his masturbation as a part of our love making. He was obsessed however in 'filling' me with his essence because this was his way of reassuring himself that I was 'his'. That I was a part of him and hence safe for him to Love. I began to understand much after adding all the dots together.

To meet him one would never in a million years know any of this because he appears so high functioning, charismatic and 'real'. The more I look back on everything now the more I see a tortured soul just screaming for relief.

Breaks my heart.

[Rocknut]

I'm a little surprised that this thread hasn't received more attention because I believe that it is quite relevant. I don't know about anyone else but in my situation I had no one to talk to about this. I noticed what was particular to my own situation and realized that it was a strong indication of something being very very wrong. At the time I had no idea about BPD but I was collecting all the twisted signs along the way.

I started dating my ex with BPD back in september. He wasnt immediatly addicted to sexual contact. However, it didn't take but 3-4 weeks for him to start to displaying odd sexual addiction. We started sex very quickly in the relationship. As time went on, and his condition got worse, it started being several times a day. He literally could not sit with me and watch tv. He could not lay in bed. He could not DO ANYTHING that involved close physical contact WITHOUT AT LEAST masturbation or oral sex.

I remember I actually started avoiding him at one point because of this last November. I remember him sending me a text message saying, "do you not want to come over because I'm always horny?"

They are codependent on us. I won't say I didn't enjoy it initially. I pleased him every way possible. Like you said though, I noticed something was wrong. I just didn't know what it was

As time went on I noticed he started using it to manipulate me. BPDs can NOT really discuss their feelings in any sane way(from my experience). The last few times I tried having a discussion about our relationship with my bf, he LITERALLY PULLED HIS PANTS DOWN and attempted put my hand on places. This happened several times. Any time I tried having a real discussion with him, it's like he freaked and his mind went, "pull pants down! my boyfriend will shut up!"

It was quite odd behavior.

[darkstar]

It was sad to see as he couldn't leave many days until he masturbated 6 or 7 times (ejaculating each time). We could never just make love once but instead it had to be an intimacy involving multiple masturbation sessions as though that was mandatory. He would tell me that was the only thing that made him feel good and gave him relief from his internal agony.

Thanks for posting this because I really needed to understand this. I have felt quite alone for the past couple of years dealing with this and not being able to talk to anyone.

I wanted to just say you, that my exuBPDgf was like your ex. I forget already her reason/explanations behind this obsession for multiple orgasms (never less then 3, NEVER!) because the memory fades away fortunately after this long time.

But for sure I have to admit at first I liked her "sexual drive" a lot, and the horneyness(hope thats a word ) jumped somehow over onto myself  a lot also... . but it was exhausting after a while, and from my perception not normal. There was to much control going on and to much manipulation with sex ... . like someone quote here, Sex for them is like a weapon and I can for sure agree to that.

take care,

dark

[Blessed0329]

My ex and I had an emotional affair, rather than a physical one, but only because I held my ground to not cross that line. (we are both married) He had great difficulty keeping his eyes on appropriate areas, and often ogled my breasts openly. Sometimes he would linger in my doorway at the end of the workday and just stare at me, looking me up and down suggestively. It was the only time I was ever afraid of him.

The last time I saw him was last October, when he made a surprise visit to me at work. The interaction was pleasant (we were just beginning to end our relationship), and went well until right at the end. He stood up to leave, hugged me very tightly, and this had the immediate effect of causing an erection. I didn't realize it at first, as he tried to rush out of the office before anyone noticed. He got waylaid just before he made it out of the building, and that was when I saw he was aroused. I knew he was distressed over something, but until I caught sight of what was very obvious, I did not know what had happened.

Since we did not cross the line into a physical affair, and since we never clearly talked about sex or anything, really, I can't say for sure that he might be a sex addict. But the fact that a simple hug caused him to be immediately aroused makes me wonder about that.

[healingmyheart]

I feel my ex had a strange sexual thing going on.  Any time we were in bed watching tv he was constantly fondling himself much like a toddler would do.  During our intimacies, masturbation was an integral part of it. 

I felt when he really got stressed, he felt a need to have sex.  The night I asked him to leave, he went from crying hysterically in a fetal position stating the mantra "I'm not a bad person" to wanting to have sex in a very primal manner.  Very strange and not normal at all... .   I feel not only was it a control thing but a way to soothe himself.

[seeking balance]

My ex BPD boyfriend was addicted to sex. Literally, you COULD NOT lay on the couch, bed with him without him wanting to take this pants off. This was great at first, but I quickly noticed it was abnormal.

Toward the end, he actually told me, "sex is the only way I feel anything." Is this part of the impulsiveness?

HI,

Absolutely sex addiction can be part of the criteria... .   as we know poor impulse control is often seen with BPD.

Specifically in article 2 DSM-V criteria - https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a102.htm



4.   impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

These behaviors would be maladaptive coping.  PwBPD triggers are rooted in abandonment on one side and engulfment on the other. These triggers may be REAL or PERCEIVED.

Another factor of sex addiction is a pwBPD may have been positively reinforced and therefore learned this tool will "tie" someone to them, thus momentarily relieving the abandonment feeling.

Most of the time this is not conscious - a very primal coping skill.

Addiction itself is an entirely larger animal that must be tamed even before any DBT or other therapies to treat they symptoms of BPD.

Peace,

SB