the patterns are almost comical, yet enraging

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I haven't been here much in the last month I'd say because I've been feeling better and keeping busy.

Today even so far was a very productive day thus far, after accomplishing everything I wanted to get done at work I took a break and looked at Facebook only to become totally deflated.

A mutual friend of my ex and I, more so her friend than mine yet she's never been rude to me or gave me reason to be rude back posted that she's at the Pittsburgh zoo with her today. Why did this trigger me?

Because she went to the Pittsburgh zoo with me, and was a complete jerk the whole time, anyway, I'm assuming her new lover is with her too since he's originally from Pittsburgh.

It's kind of sickening, do they ever deviate from their freaking patterns? Ugh.

Strangely I really felt calm and like I was hitting acceptance as I really didn't care anymore, I'm actually not as mad as I used to get, but that trigger still hurt a little bit.

I'm not in acceptance but I'm getting there.

Should I delete the mutual friends that remain to prevent triggering or would that male me seem like a jerk. She had two kids this mutual friend and her one little daughter really liked me and she still has pictures of me on her Facebook.

Nevermind I think I just thought of a solution, you can block news feeds that's what I'll do.

But seriously, this repeat of the Patterns is so demented, sick, and twisted. Ugh.

[afterdeath]

I haven't been here much in the last month I'd say because I've been feeling better and keeping busy.

Today even so far was a very productive day thus far, after accomplishing everything I wanted to get done at work I took a break and looked at Facebook only to become totally deflated.

A mutual friend of my ex and I, more so her friend than mine yet she's never been rude to me or gave me reason to be rude back posted that she's at the Pittsburgh zoo with her today. Why did this trigger me?

Because she went to the Pittsburgh zoo with me, and was a complete jerk the whole time, anyway, I'm assuming her new lover is with her too since he's originally from Pittsburgh.

It's kind of sickening, do they ever deviate from their freaking patterns? Ugh.

Strangely I really felt calm and like I was hitting acceptance as I really didn't care anymore, I'm actually not as mad as I used to get, but that trigger still hurt a little bit.

I'm not in acceptance but I'm getting there.

Should I delete the mutual friends that remain to prevent triggering or would that male me seem like a jerk. She had two kids this mutual friend and her one little daughter really liked me and she still has pictures of me on her Facebook.

Nevermind I think I just thought of a solution, you can block news feeds that's what I'll do.

But seriously, this repeat of the Patterns is so demented, sick, and twisted. Ugh.

[syz]

actually sometimes in these cases I'm a fan of doing nothing.  Nothing that reveals anything about how I feel.  take any mutual friends out of your new feed.  just go to their page a select that they never show up and it will be as if they aren't even there. 

otherwise it gets back to her... . oh he deleted me... . and she gets a hit knowing something got to you.  I say give them nothing to chew on, mull over, or ponder.   

[afterdeath]

actually sometimes in these cases I'm a fan of doing nothing.  Nothing that reveals anything about how I feel.  take any mutual friends out of your new feed.  just go to their page a select that they never show up and it will be as if they aren't even there. 

otherwise it gets back to her... . oh he deleted me... . and she gets a hit knowing something got to you.  I say give them nothing to chew on, mull over, or ponder.   

Perfect advice, thank you, seeing anything involving her sends me in a frantic tailspin and I can't think clearly, I've calmed down and doing nothing is actually great advice.

I will take it out on the track when I get home from work, running always mellows me out

[GreenMango]

BPD is a longstanding and pervasive pattern of thoughts, feelings, and actions. (cognition, emotions, and behavior)

It doesn't really change if it's working for the person.  No need to really.  She's getting her needs met.

It does sound like it may be time to protect your emotion safety and stability a bit.  Is having a continuing relationship hurting you?  Maybe communicating some of your boundaries with them could help?

[afterdeath]

BPD is a longstanding and pervasive pattern of thoughts, feelings, and actions. (cognition, emotions, and behavior)

It doesn't really change if it's working for the person.  No need to really.  She's getting her needs met.

It does sound like it may be time to protect your emotion safety and stability a bit.  Is having a continuing relationship hurting you?  Maybe communicating some of your boundaries with them could help?

Sorry mango let me clear the situation up a bit, currently I have two friends on Facebook that my ex and I both met in college, these two girls were very close with her while in college and I knew them from class and groups. She likes to occasionally see the one still as they are both single moms so they have alot in common and have play dates with the kids.

I'm still friends on Facebook with these mutual friends, and one mutual friend happened to pop up in my newsfeed about being at the zoo with my ex.

A friend said that's a very immature move of my ex and a slap in the face to me, but in all honesty, it's not. I need to be more mature and realize neither my ex nor her friends are thinking about me at all and they are just living life.

I just need to cut all ways of hearing about how she is living it. I don't talk to either mutual friend because I want as close as she was with them, but I have no grounds or reason to delete them either.

I'll just block the newsfeed and do nothing  :-)

[GreenMango]

I need to be more mature and realize neither my ex nor her friends are thinking about me at all and they are just living life.

I just need to cut all ways of hearing about how she is living it. I don't talk to either mutual friend because I want as close as she was with them, but I have no grounds or reason to delete them either.

Pretty emotionally mature of you to see she's living her life. 

I think it will get easier.  There will be a point where it won't have an effect seeing this stuff.  Time helps.

Keep looking after you - it's important.  Its good to know where our weaknesses lie.

[apple]

I haven't been here much in the last month I'd say because I've been feeling better and keeping busy.

Today even so far was a very productive day thus far, after accomplishing everything I wanted to get done at work I took a break and looked at Facebook only to become totally deflated.

A mutual friend of my ex and I, more so her friend than mine yet she's never been rude to me or gave me reason to be rude back posted that she's at the Pittsburgh zoo with her today. Why did this trigger me?

Because she went to the Pittsburgh zoo with me, and was a complete jerk the whole time, anyway, I'm assuming her new lover is with her too since he's originally from Pittsburgh.

It's kind of sickening, do they ever deviate from their freaking patterns? Ugh.

Strangely I really felt calm and like I was hitting acceptance as I really didn't care anymore, I'm actually not as mad as I used to get, but that trigger still hurt a little bit.

I'm not in acceptance but I'm getting there.

Should I delete the mutual friends that remain to prevent triggering or would that male me seem like a jerk. She had two kids this mutual friend and her one little daughter really liked me and she still has pictures of me on her Facebook.

Nevermind I think I just thought of a solution, you can block news feeds that's what I'll do.

But seriously, this repeat of the Patterns is so demented, sick, and twisted. Ugh.

They do have their patterns don't they. It's Sad & frightening. I can relate as my exw got married to her 4th husband in Vegas just at different venue as we married at the venetian.

[seeking balance]

I just need to cut all ways of hearing about how she is living it. I don't talk to either mutual friend because I want as close as she was with them, but I have no grounds or reason to delete them either.

I'll just block the newsfeed and do nothing  :-)

After a couple years of not really any contact with these types of friends, I eventually did delete them simply because it seemed silly since I knew ex was still very close to them and I really no longer was. 

But right now, hiding is simply the easiest solution - good job.

[asher2]

afterdeath... .   I think you bring up excellent points. It is almost comical the patterns they continually run in. My ex and I used to go biking on a trail by her house all the time, she used to love making me dinners and loved being at my place spending time with me. Guess what I discovered she told my replacement before we were even finished? That she wanted to go biking with him on that same trail, go to his house and cook meals for him and spend all kinds of time with him at his place. When this initially happened, I was so hurt. I've since discovered that's just the way she rolls.

And as others have said, the triggers will lessen over time. Trust me, they do. But even occasionally for me different ones can pop up. Her mom actually works around the corner from where I live and I happened to drive by the other day see her mom's car parked there. I have no idea why that would trigger me, but it did. It put me in a bad mood. But I can honestly say, those occasions are now few and far between for me.

Time helps with BPD. Keep looking for ways you can grow and learn from the relationship and you will certainly come out of it for the better.

[Clearmind]

But seriously, this repeat of the Patterns is so demented, sick, and twisted. Ugh.

You sound angry afterdeath! What underlies that anger?

Those patterns of relating run through us all - we all bring our own dynamic to the relationship. If we recognize a pattern in others - we need to question it - in many of our stories here - we simply carried on.

Seek out why you stayed despite these patterns afterdeath.

[afterdeath]

But seriously, this repeat of the Patterns is so demented, sick, and twisted. Ugh.

You sound angry afterdeath! What underlies that anger?

Those patterns of relating run through us all - we all bring our own dynamic to the relationship. If we recognize a pattern in others - we need to question it - in many of our stories here - we simply carried on.

Seek out why you stayed despite these patterns afterdeath.

My anger is the disgust that a human being can do this to someone else and not care.

And I'm angry I'm no longer with her doing those things.

I did not know her patterns or even about BPD until it was all over so one reason I stayed was because I believed that true love could conquer all and I loved her. I'm not a man who gives up easily, I fight for what I want.

After I posted this though I realized something. I was discussing with my mom the situation and I immediately found myself saying: it's not her fault for the way she's acting though, that's all she knows and was how she was brought up. Who am I to tell her that what she did was wrong just because I believe it so, in her world she didn't do anything wrong.

I quickly realized she is just living her life now and I guarantee I have not been a part of her life since the day she threw me out, therefore I can't view these as personal attacks.

I'm just simply a part of her past now and as important as the blink of an eye: never noticed unless brought up in subject and never thought about.

She didn't experience our relationship in the same way as me and I need to just let her go because I'm no longer a part of her life.

I'm overcoming this, little by little, the rages aren't as intense and I don't think of her as much, and even when I do she's becoming a part of the past which is less and less important as time with no contact continues.therefore she's no longer effecting me as much.

[GreenMango]

Hi AD I was reading this last post and I noticed you mentioned a couple of those ten beliefs that used to keep ya going thru the relationship.

Love conquers all, feeling the same way you do... .  

Hard to come to terms with those - sounds like you are little by little moving thru the parts of grief.

The road to acceptance was pretty bumpy for me.  Took some time. 

[afterdeath]

Hi AD I was reading this last post and I noticed you mentioned a couple of those ten beliefs that used to keep ya going thru the relationship.

Love conquers all, feeling the same way you do... .  

Hard to come to terms with those - sounds like you are little by little moving thru the parts of grief.

The road to acceptance was pretty bumpy for me.  Took some time. 

That was during the relationship, I don't feel as such anymore. Just miss what I thought I had because I thought it was unique and special when it in fact was neither.

[Newton]

And thats the knock out punch... .   one we didn't see coming... .   dealing with grief over something WE constructed ... .   and never was... .  

Not only do we have to process a loss... .   we need to take on board the absurdity, shame, anger of OUR projections and illusions... .  

Once we get past beating up on their shocking behaviour the hard work starts... .   introspection... .  

"Just miss what I thought I had"... .   afterdeath... .   this sentence is key... .  

[afterdeath]

And thats the knock out punch... .   one we didn't see coming... .   dealing with grief over something WE constructed ... .   and never was... .  

Not only do we have to process a loss... .   we need to take on board the absurdity, shame, anger of OUR projections and illusions... .  

Once we get past beating up on their shocking behaviour the hard work starts... .   introspection... .  

"Just miss what I thought I had"... .   afterdeath... .   this sentence is key... .  

Thanks Newton, you've always understood me perfectly every time, I've actually come pretty far since my birthday last month. Just a few hairpin triggers left that honestly are honestly barely getting a flare out of me anymore.

The only part that gets angry is seeing her daughter and knowing I could've been the stable part of her life, but it wasn't meant to be.

I do miss them, but I'm no longer buried by them. I'm highly successful at my job ass I've hit all bonuses in every quarter since being promoted here, a week after the split mind you, I don't work those crazy 80 hour weeks anymore, until we use vacation again, and I've been taking care of myself.

I work out, I've been eating better, running, happy with my progression in my physique except the stubborn abs.

I only have myself to worry about and it feels good to finally remember who I was.

Now don't get me wrong, major events such as a wedding I just went to still trigger me especially when all my friends have someone and I'm there alone, I think of the fun the ex and I could have had and everything we could have experienced togetherand that saddens me.

But it's really only in those rare moments that I'm affected by her any more.

It's a weird place to be in, indifferent is what I'd like to call it.

I'm just living day by day, I don't really want anyone else, but I don't want her really either. I'm numb but not like I was before where I didn't experience happiness. I experience happiness again and realize I'm a great guy with alot of potential and even though I really want a woman to love and a family, I guess it can wait.

I often joke I will be one of those successful hunks on those bachelor shows. Oh the irony hahaha.

Confidence is slowly building back up, my mind is balanced, I'm feeling like me again, and I'm happy with that for now.

I have a weird sensation these days like it really never happened or that I really just didn't fit in to her world. Odd but enlightened at the same time.

Ultimately I will emerge from this as I always stated:a better man rising from the Ashes, I think I'm well on my way.

[Newton]

My friend... .   the indifference is frightening and soothing... .   an odd mix... .   the relief of normal conversations with normal people... .   and yet that underlying feeling of grief... .   combined with fear of how our partners would have behaved in a social situation! 

There is nothing more satisfying and life affirming to me than seeing members progress from grief to understanding... .   it has been and will continue to be a privilege to read your words, and watch your journey... .  

On a lighter note... .   abs are down to diet ... .   regardless of your running... .   you know this 

[afterdeath]

My friend... .   the indifference is frightening and soothing... .   an odd mix... .   the relief of normal conversations with normal people... .   and yet that underlying feeling of grief... .   combined with fear of how our partners would have behaved in a social situation! 

There is nothing more satisfying and life affirming to me than seeing members progress from grief to understanding... .   it has been and will continue to be a privilege to read your words, and watch your journey... .  

On a lighter note... .   abs are down to diet ... .   regardless of your running... .   you know this 

Ugh I know they are so stubborn! One slice of bread and they disappear

I've really been trying to clean up my diet for more reasons than just getting abs but it's getting there.

I like to compare my physique goals to my recovery from this relationship, as long as I work hard and keep working hard I'll get to where I want to be. It'll take time and some slight changes but it'll all be worth it when I get there in the end.

I'd say I almost made a silly goal back when this all started, I told myself when I achieve a six pack like I always wanted, it will be at that point I will be happy with myself again.

A weird goal but it's almost foreshadowing the truth. I'm getting closer to desired physique and also closer to acceptance, I'm just on the tip of the brink of breaking through with both of these, I feel like I'm going to find the answer to both very soon but the slow progress is also paying off.

I've made quite a few discoveries and changes about myself since her, I'd like to say I did it all for me but honestly I'm still holding on to the trump card of one day she will be sorry she missed out on me. When I let go of this card, I will hit acceptance. Abs, it's almost I have every piece of the puzzle but I'm just missing the last piece to really make them pop.

The diet it's changed, the workouts are there, I just need one more key exercise to really get that burn and build them up.

For acceptance, I know I'm better than I was and will continue improving, now I just need to cut that last string and let it all go.

Both I'm getting close to, but have a little more work to do.

Today has been a rough day as I had to travel to her town for my job, and it's a particularly gloomy day. Not only that but I passed one of her office mates while driving. As soon as I got into town I started getting anxious and shaky like I'm going to see her. I always get out of that town as soon as possible.

Her power to ruin my day needs to be let go, I'm the only one keeping the chains on now. I'm aiming to break free before July.

July is an important month because I know her sister is getting married then, I don't want to see pictures our hear anything about it because I know my ex will be with her replacement and if I see that I'll probably lose it all over again. Or possibly maybe I'll just laugh and not care.

I clearly do still care and I just don't want to anymore because I'm tired of the pain associated with it all.unfortunately I feel like spartacus at the moment, doomed to never love another woman such as her, some may comfort me for a while, but will not make me feel the same as she once did.

Good news is I still have alot of potential in my life, I just have to build off that and stay hopeful that something better is waiting down the pipeline for me.