I blew up and stooped to her level

[sunrising]

Been broken up nearly 3 months... .     NC for almost 2 of them, then some contact (sex included), some talk about maybe working on things, then some world class boundary busting on her part which resulted in me being split black again.  I was basically prepared for it.  Nowhere near as much pain as a few months ago... .     This past Friday night, I went to a concert with some friends.  I suspected my ex might be there because this was a band she really loves that I introduced her to... .     We had talked about having this band play our reception or wedding party, were we ever to marry. 

Long story short, it was a relatively small crowd and she was hanging all over some guy.  I did a pretty good job ignoring this.  Then she approached me and a couple friends and said some incredibly random and nonsensical stuff.  1) She introduced herself to a female friend of mine she's been around at least a dozen times.  I mean, the girl was at her son's birthday party in another state. 2) She then turned to me, while still addressing my friend, and said, "We were supposed to dance to this song, but he ___ed me over".    There was a particular song by this band which was kind of "our song".  It had been played an hour earlier.  The song being played when she made this comment wasn't even 1 I had heard before.   Also, the idea that I wronged her is about as detached from reality as something can be... .      A good friend of mine calmly put his arm around me and said," Let's go over here".  So I didn't even respond to her random comments. 

But I got home and was more hurt than I thought, so I sent her an email asking why she would make a scene like that, knowing how it might hurt me.  I mentioned the guy she was hanging on as seeming random, though for all I knew he wasn't.  My email wasn't mean-spirited, by any means.    I'll just share the 1st part of her response:

"Unlike you, he has a job and knows how to f*uck". 

1st, I have a job and it's actually going pretty well.  She never understood the nature of self-employment.  2nd,  she was carrying on about how great sex was between us just a couple weeks ago.  3rd, good lord... .     how nasty can a person be?... .  

This made at least a half dozen times she has clearly tried to come up with the most hurtful things she could say to me, including several times while we were together.  Even though I wasn't aware of the importance of time-outs and [url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation[/b][/url] while we were together, I never retaliated in similar fashion; not once.  I felt like I loved her too much to talk to her that way, even if she was willing to talk to me that way.  That is until this email... .   I snapped.  I'm far more gifted with words than her, I had just never used them to hurt her (don't use them that way towards anyone).  But I did this time... .   I unleashed with a string of 4-5 emails bringing up several of her major flaws/ failures (as I see them) in supremely sarcastic fashion.  I felt extremely immature and I'm certainly not proud of having done this, but it also felt good to finally let her have it.  I'd love to say it was just purging, but I definitely wanted to hurt her.  I've never talked to anyone that way in my life.  I was vengeful.

I'm not sure why I'm posting this other than I need to share it.  I can't figure out exactly what I'm feeling.  I know this is the final nail in the coffin because she would never forgive me saying these types of things.  Hell, she made up things not to forgive me for... .     I guess I feel a little ashamed at my own behavior and, in a weird way, relieved that I finally let her have it.  The relationship with her had a serious effect on my self-esteem, as many of you can relate to... .     While I'm definitely not proud of taking to anyone that way, I'm thinking I feel a little good about reclaiming a shred of dignity, even if I had to act like a child to do so.

sunrising

[seeking balance]

Sunrising  ,

We have all had this moment where pushed one time too many and we react in a way that is less than perfect.

So... .   forgive yourself, be kind to yourself and next time you will do this differently. 

Mine was during a very high conflict divorce where I emailed one scathing (by my standards) email... .   it happens.

Remember one of the fundamental coping methods of pwBPD - Karpman Triangle - you were going to be her persecutor whether you wanted to or not.  The only way to not get sucked in is to stay far, far away right now.

Good job on sharing here - no need to let that shame fester.  You are human, you broke - not the end of the world and you are definitely not the only one to have done it.

How you handle things from here is where you are defined.  Let go - no need to apologize, no need to keep the drama going... .   just let go.

Peace,

SB

[TakeFlight]

Skewered my Ex a few times. Especially towards the end when it was becoming clear she was just an abusive psychopath. I feel no remorse now that i've had tiem to think about it. God knows ur ex doesnt give a sht.

Be gentle on yourself man. God knows you've held your cool for way too long. In fact if ur like most ppl here, thats just what you've been prgrammed to do. The blow up was not ideal, but it was more healthy than your previous methods of copping. You enforced your boundaries finally.

Give yourself a pat on the back

[recoil]

I understand they have the knack for knowing what to say to get under your skin.  :)on't take it personally.  When you wrote your email about her making a scene, she had to fight back.  Your email may not have been mean-spirited but she read it as accusing her (par for the course for a BPD).  Since she may not be able to accept that what she did was questionable - she lashed out at you.  You are bad, not her.

If my ex had said something like that without provocation from me, I would have unloaded on her too.  I know her weaknesses just as well as she knows mine.  Would I feel bad afterwards?  Maybe.  Don't beat yourself up though.  It's a natural reflex.

[VeryFree]

You know what you did wasn't the most beautiful thing you could do.

That's worth a big 

Now don't let it get to you. Try to understand were this came from (you know) and learn from it.

[sunrising]

Thanks, SB, all ... .     If it weren't virtually impossible, SB, I'd suggest that you may be my T.  She said pretty much the same thing to me today, including the part about letting go.  I should have never sent the 1st email.  After I got her nasty response, I should have walked away.  I just wasn't able to do it another time.  I honestly felt like she deserved a piece of my mind (anger & hurt).  Lord knows she's unleashed on me plenty of times.

I'm not just a little ashamed about the things I said and how immature they were.  I'm also a little ashamed that I was/am associated by anyone with this girl.  I realize that she's the only one who should be embarrassed by her public behavior.  Our common friends (all of whom were with me) all mentioned to me how embarrassed they were for her.  I can't help but thinking they associate that behavior with me in some way.  If it weren't for me, there's no way any of them would know her.  And it's not like I met her, brought her around a couple times, figured out she isn't OK, and sent her on her way.    I'm approaching 40 years old and I spent 2+ years with a female who acts like a teenager in public and around my friends.  Many of these friends also knew this was the woman I "planned to spend the rest of my life with... .   ".  I know the best way to avoid continuing this perceived social connection between us is to cut her off completely, and I plan to do that, but how do I get past the idea that her public behavior has had a negative effect on my reputation?  I know... .   can't change the past... .     Don't do it again... .     It just perturbs me that I allowed myself to be in this position of being associated with someone who acts this way in public. 

[seeking balance]

If it weren't virtually impossible, SB, I'd suggest that you may be my T. 

My T will take that as a compliment 

I understand the shame component - I was embarrassed to be divorced, embarrassed for the chaos I stayed in and deeply sad because I was 41 and we were in the process of adopting - all I wanted was a full family unit... .  

I hate to break it to you, but none of us are perfect... .   It's funny, I even tried to do recovery perfect... .   but it is those moments that we realize our imperfection we can have compassion and humility.  Both of these attributes serve us more than perfectionism.

Be angry - at her, at yourself for as long as you need to - then just let go.  There is nothing perfect about this process, but if we do our best - that is good enough.

Again, the courage to post this - you probably have helped more members than you realize... .   which likely outweighs a little imperfection ;-)

Peace,

SB

[paperlung]

My ex would always complain to me how I didn't read books. One night I had finally had enough and said to her, "Unlike you, I went to school and learned there." She dropped out of school after Grade 8. She then mentioned her ex boyfriend and how he goes to school and reads books on his own time. I said, "Oh, you mean the guy you had sex with just a few weeks ago?" She starts hitting me, calling me an ass, ect. The next day she cut her arm up with a razor blade. Le sigh.

[hithere]

I sent her an email

That was a mistake, it showed that you still cared and showed her that she can still hurt you.

As far as letting her have it... .   I did the same thing a few times during our relationship and in one big email before going completely NC, it did sort of feel good but unfortunately for non's like us it kinda hurts to say mean things to someone we once cared for, so we don't really win anything in the end.

I would not be too hard on yourself, we are all human and most of us snapped at various points in the crazy relationships we had with our BPD's.

[BorderlineMagnet]

My low-fucntioning ex pwBPD pushed me into a corner so many times, emotionally wore me out so much, that I blew up and said things to her that I never thought I would say to another human. Then she would tell me I had problems. She would push, and poke till I was just broken and respond that way. After she was gone I was able to forgive myself for the way I reacted, and was proud that when me and my current ex pwBPD had a confrontation I was cool as a cucumber and even was kind to her with my final words. The really bad ones will back you into a corner, so it's only human to lose your cool every once in awhile. Don't beat yourself up over it, just try and remember that they are manipulating you in to these situations, and some of them damn well know it.

[chuckstrong]

Sun rising

Thanks for that post. Very similar circumstance with

my BPD xgf last week 9 days NC now. Long story short

( and it's long Chuckstrong thread followers will tell you )

she has been keeping me on back burner for 7 months since

Sept 1 breakup (#3) . Met for tennis and dinner in Nov. dinner

In January ins of texting calling etc. " miss the living snot

out of you " still love you and care about you" etc etc.

So, last week after lots of texts I was out on a Friday nite

near her house and ( oops !) did a late night drive by she wasn't

home I was shocked no evidence of any replacement in our conversations

previously. I say oh we're you around fri night she ignores me. Then

sat night we have a 33 min happy happy chat at 11pm where she

tells me oh I got a wax ( you know where! ) today I'm like oh

thats odd you told me too painful and expensive you were just

getting them for me. Tell her next day don't want to hear about that

unless its for me. I'm pissed. I'm not your F in hairdresser and if you are

getting them for someone else maybe just tell me so I can finally move on.

And I'm hurt and pissed etc etc. Well she emails me back very hurtful and

mean--- my F in vagina is none of your business ---I told you to move on 7

months ago---- must hurt to see me moving on ---- what's the matter with you

why do you still have hope ----- we are never getting back together----and

furthermore i am dating someone is that what you wanted to hear ?---move

on with your life ---- I feel like a f in b**** saying this but I should have 7 months

ago -----please do not contact me again. WOW! So dude I truly know how you

feel. It's SO hard. I have done nothing for 9 days now. ( wrote a letter didn't send it)

and I guess now its really over. Or is it? What the heck this has truly

been a nightmare. Hang in there yourself and thanks for the post . It made

me feel like I'm not the only one who said enough and then felt such

incredible wrath back. So so sick.

Chuck( strong)

[GreenMango]

Sunrising I'm with SB on this.  Sometimes I think we have to hit a new low to realize how serious this stuff was/is.

I did what you did too.  I knew mine was going to come back and want to try again and I unleashed an opus of the kind of magnitude I didn't know I had in me.  I was ruthless about the chronology of his behavior and my overall interpretation of the events.  I finally was angry and I steeped in it like tea.

I think this is why I did it:

I know this is the final nail in the coffin because she would never forgive me saying these types of things.

I learned a great lesson in it - I know now not to stay until I get this upset.  I know when to leave.  When enough is enough.

Keep going forward.  You aren't alone and Thanks for sharing this.  I think you'll end up bouncing back from this.

[doubleAries]

sunrising,

you ask "how do I get past the idea that her public behavior has had a negative effect on my reputation?"

I can very much relate to this, and think I may have at least a small insight... .  

I am just ending an 18 year marriage to someone who is bipolar with paranoid delusions, ASPD and NPD. No, really--what was I thinking? And I can't help but think that others must be thinking this about me too. And you know what? Maybe they are. But that doesn't mean they don't like and/or respect me.

We tend to lose ourselves in these kind of relationships. Our boundaries get plastered, our values get diluted, our sense of self worth gets exchanged for self doubt and second guessing. We begin, slowly but surely, to allow our s/o to define us. That does not mean our friends do the same. Just because we see our s/o as a reflection of ourselves (or ourselves as a reflection of our s/o's) doesn't mean our friends see us the same way as we see ourselves. They do not hold us responsible for what our ex s/o does. That's why your friend put his arm around you (protectively!) and led you away.

My relationship was considerably longer. I actually began to think my friends would think I was a mean jerk for leaving my poor stbx. No--really! I was surprised when their reactions were along the lines of "it's about time!" He wasn't as rude to them as he was to me, but he was plenty rude. They didn't blame me--they understood that HE was rude, and that he was even ruder to me than he was to them. No, they didn't understand why I continued to put up with it, but they still cared about me anyway. Can I blame them for not understanding why I put up with it? Of course not--I don't really understand it myself. And that's where my focus is now, rather than on him.

When your boundaries, values and self esteem begin to build back up, your embarrassment will begin to ease. And it takes practise to learn to stand up for yourself in a detached way. Can't fault yourself for practising.

[sunrising]

I really appreciate all the support, encouragement and incredible insights!  Thank you all!

I'm feeling better about all of this today.   I'm going to write up and sign a contrast between my parents and me saying that I will not contact my ex or respond to any contact from her in the next 6 months.  A symbolic contract to reinforce my boundaries and discipline... .    I'm thinking when I fulfill my end of the deal, they must let me have extra ham at thanksgiving.  

Thanks again!

Sunrising