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Author Topic: The part that killed me the most...  (Read 782 times)
Rocknut
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« on: April 16, 2013, 07:19:06 AM »

What bothered me the most? I WAS THE ONLY PERSON THAT SAW HIS BPD BEHAVIOR

My ex boyfriend moved here from out of state last year. He moved in with extended family. His reasons were to "escape drugs, start a new life, etc."

He lived with his aunt for 1 year before moving out. He in to his own appartment about 2 months in to our relationship.

He seemed like a really really sweet, charasmatic guy. He was always smiling. He was always joking. Everyone told me how great he was. However, it took about 3 months in to our relationship for me to realize something was terribly wrong. It took 4 months for me to realize he had a serious mental disorder.

He only displayed BPD behavior behind closed doors. There were a couple times he exploded on me in public, but he had this REMARKABLE ability to quickly look happy and very "normal" in public.

When he started his BPD rages, I did not yet know what was happening. I seriously thought he had went schizophrenic. I contacted the aunt he lived with for 1 year. She said she would talk to him. But honestly, she did not believe me. She never saw him act this way in 1 year. I contacted several of his cousins that lived locally. They did not believe me. I talked to some of his coworkers. They wrote me off as the crazy one.

I actually made myself look like the crazy one for a while. I ran from person to person trying to get help. Nobody really believe me... .   until... .

I tracked down his mother in California via facebook. When I talked to her I realized indeed I was not crazy. She said he had rages at home for the last 3 years combined with drug use. She said she repeatedly begged him to get help. She said he would dissapear for days. She said he constantly faught with his sisters. She said he constantly threatened to never talk to her again.

He was acting the EXACT SAME WAY WITH ME that he acted with his mother. NOBODY ELSE HAS SEEN IT! Does this mean he hates me as much as his mother?

How do these people pull this off?

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trevjim
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« Reply #1 on: April 16, 2013, 07:35:18 AM »

He sounds like a high flying pwBPD, someone who can seem healthy minded to everyone else.

I too was made to seem crazy, I heard my ex on the phone to her mum btching about me saying crazy stuff that wasn't true, its all a smear campaign. I hate to think what she has told people since we split about me.

Truth is this is why we are best of without them, we can't undo the damage too much, just try and move on
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« Reply #2 on: April 16, 2013, 08:46:49 AM »

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.msg1331266#msg1331266

I was casual friends with my ex for at least 6 years before we ever dated. I would have never guessed. Intimacy can be a trigger for the emotional dysregulation. My ex has no close long term relationships. She has limited contact with her father and brother and cut her mother out of her life completely. Her father gives her money but if he comes and visits he has to stay someplace else. He seems to understand it well. I have no idea how much he knows but he handles it very well. I know my ex was arrested for beating an ex bf up. I believe this was the last time she was ever physically violent. My ex also was hospitalized for a suicide attempt. I know from her mom there has been a lot of events in her life but she didn't want to go into details and I can understand that. In one of my last conversations with my ex she did express to me that she hates that she doesn't have any close relationships and that she is working on trying to trust people more. I tried to validate and express my frustration at trying to be close to her. She got mad at me. Ugh. Mistake on my part though. If something sounds like criticism she dysregulates and I knew that.

As difficult as it is. You experienced bad behavior. Why do you think you need outside validation so badly? Why can't you accept that the relationship was troubling for you and that it should probably end?
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Rocknut
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« Reply #3 on: April 16, 2013, 08:57:54 AM »

We did finally end it... .

But it just really shocked me that nobody believed me or was willing to help (besides his mother)
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VeryFree
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« Reply #4 on: April 16, 2013, 09:00:57 AM »

I totally understand you.

I was/am in the same circumstances: my stbxw only raged behind closed doors. Outside she would be her charming self: a lovely woman, that was quiet and couldn't bring harm to anyone.

Only a couple of times she had to drop her mask. Once when I had family coming over (and they didn't announce it). Once when her dad was over, but he (ofcourse) chose her side and still denies her being ill.

About selfvalidation: it's nice to know that others believe you, but no more than that. If not: well, too bad. You know what's true and the ones who care about you, will be there for you no matter what.
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HarmKrakow
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« Reply #5 on: April 16, 2013, 09:59:21 AM »

What bothered me the most? I WAS THE ONLY PERSON THAT SAW HIS BPD BEHAVIOR

My ex boyfriend moved here from out of state last year. He moved in with extended family. His reasons were to "escape drugs, start a new life, etc."

He lived with his aunt for 1 year before moving out. He in to his own appartment about 2 months in to our relationship.

He seemed like a really really sweet, charasmatic guy. He was always smiling. He was always joking. Everyone told me how great he was. However, it took about 3 months in to our relationship for me to realize something was terribly wrong. It took 4 months for me to realize he had a serious mental disorder.

He only displayed BPD behavior behind closed doors. There were a couple times he exploded on me in public, but he had this REMARKABLE ability to quickly look happy and very "normal" in public.

When he started his BPD rages, I did not yet know what was happening. I seriously thought he had went schizophrenic. I contacted the aunt he lived with for 1 year. She said she would talk to him. But honestly, she did not believe me. She never saw him act this way in 1 year. I contacted several of his cousins that lived locally. They did not believe me. I talked to some of his coworkers. They wrote me off as the crazy one.

I actually made myself look like the crazy one for a while. I ran from person to person trying to get help. Nobody really believe me... .   until... .

I tracked down his mother in California via facebook. When I talked to her I realized indeed I was not crazy. She said he had rages at home for the last 3 years combined with drug use. She said she repeatedly begged him to get help. She said he would dissapear for days. She said he constantly faught with his sisters. She said he constantly threatened to never talk to her again.

He was acting the EXACT SAME WAY WITH ME that he acted with his mother. NOBODY ELSE HAS SEEN IT! Does this mean he hates me as much as his mother?

How do these people pull this off?

How? Because these people SUCK in having intense emotional and affecting relationships. Thats why. And we were the unfortunate person in their lives of which we thought they had the most intense r/s with.

But these people can't have such r/s. They can't. No one around my ex believed she had BPD, nor PTSD, nor Social Phobia ... . etc. They just laughed ... . to be frankly honest, you just don't want anything to do with these sociapaths. There is literally no gain of having anyone in your life which is borderline, nor anyone who is close to one with BPD.
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HarmKrakow
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« Reply #6 on: April 16, 2013, 11:24:39 AM »

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.msg1331266#msg1331266

I was casual friends with my ex for at least 6 years before we ever dated. I would have never guessed. Intimacy can be a trigger for the emotional dysregulation.

I'm surprised you say this. It does make sense that intimacy can be a trigger for emotional dysregulation. I mean ... . when  you like a girl, or you want to dance with someone, anxiety might over run you. When you get closer, your head goes spinning.

Because if you rewrite the question, what would cause emotional dysregulation... . intimacy would be a logical choice.
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mssngpeces

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« Reply #7 on: April 16, 2013, 02:01:05 PM »

Rocknut I can completely identify with your situation. My exBPDgf was a MASTER at wearing a mask to everyone around her. The most heartbreaking part of our erosion and split has most definitely been feeling like the closest most intimate partner that is locked away in a closet only for her to see and abuse me. Her mother, who I also believe is BPD, saw some of the rages and manipulative behavior while she was living with her during a period of heavy alcoholism. The problem is that she and her entire family never cared to see, admit to, or heal the very disturbing past that included all of them and chose to blame it on the alcohol and eventually me instead. I too went crazy trying to get her family and those closest to her to see her behavior and I might just have after sending an email with detailed texts of her asking me for money and stringing me along while she was cheating on her 4th or more guy behind my back and basically living an entirely different life where I was completely smeared. This is after 5 years of being together and going through the same over and over. That would make any normal person crazy, angry, and upset yet I was the crazy one when her fix was to just cut and run and not say a thing. The last cycle my father had been in the hospital for brain surgery which she had little to say about other than call me the last day I was in the hospital because she had lost her job. Months prior I had been trying to heal the broken relationship by giving her more and taking her on trips and even handling her rages with a calm loving demeanor. Nothing worked and after more months of supporting her and becoming a zombie to all of her needs she found another guy to have an obsession based sexual love affair she never told me about. One day after asking for more money she flew to see a friend in New Orleans which has always been a problem between us because I am long distance and she never flew to see me on her own points/dime. Here I am giving her money and she is going to see someone else on "their" points plus a SWA gift card I gave her to go see her brother that she never mentioned. I then found out about her new guy through FB and blew up. Yes it wasn't right of me to be looking for those things or sending 50 texts some of which were nasty. But, the most hurtful part is that they walk away leaving you with all the pain and pointing the finger.
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sunrising
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« Reply #8 on: April 16, 2013, 02:13:54 PM »

Here's how I try to look at it... .     Yes, obviously, all of our ex's have some issues.  Otherwise we wouldn't be here.  And we probably aren't "crazy" in the way our ex's tried to make us out to be, accused us of being, etc... .  

But... .     If a friend of mine told me a story of a relationship like I was in, I would probably say to them, "Why are you staying in this relationship?  Are you crazy?" 

So, we all know the best way to handle our ex's trying to make us look crazy is the high road- don't acknowledge it- there is no "winning" or proving ourselves right.  If their family and friends want to believe inaccurate things about us, particularly if they are enablers, that is yet another thing we cannot change.   But maybe we can gain something by asking what role we did actually play in the dysfunctional relationship?... .  
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mssngpeces

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« Reply #9 on: April 16, 2013, 02:44:05 PM »

Thanks for bringing the tone back to something more positive Sunrising. I realize over and over as I write what I have been through that I allowed myself to be in such madness because of my own need to feel loved and being codependant. It is much better to focus on and heal that than dwell in the past and I am thankful for the opportunity to write here with the hopes that it will help me let go.
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schwing
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« Reply #10 on: April 16, 2013, 03:41:13 PM »

Hi Rocknut and  Welcome

How do these people pull this off?

As I see it, it's not like they are some kind of confidence artists (con-man).  This observation speaks to why this disorder is still mostly an unknown disorder to the public: borderline personality disorder primarily affects the way a person relates to intimate and familial interpersonal relationships.

This is why only people who have dated your ex-boyfriend, and his close family members are the only people who even have a clue that there is something wrong with him.

It might be analogous to someone who is an alcoholic.  To everyone else they are the fun loving social drinker.  Until you have to go home with them.

He was acting the EXACT SAME WAY WITH ME that he acted with his mother. NOBODY ELSE HAS SEEN IT! Does this mean he hates me as much as his mother?

It doesn't mean he hates you as much as he hates his mother.  It means that he has at one point felt as intimately connected to you as he does/did his mother.  And that kind of intimate connection draws out the worse of his disorder: his fear of abandonment.  He pushes away those he feels closest to, because these are the people who trigger his disorder fear that he will be abandoned.  You can only be abandoned by someone you trust, depend upon, and love.  You cannot be abandoned by a stranger or an acquaintance.

You are in the right place.

Best wishes, Schwing
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motherof1yearold
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« Reply #11 on: April 16, 2013, 04:06:00 PM »

This also how verbal and psychical abusers act with their partners. ONLY behind closed doors. I feel THE SAME WAY you do about this matter! I do however have faith now that his mask has slipped a few times with friends.
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fakename
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« Reply #12 on: April 16, 2013, 07:52:30 PM »

I know what you mean. It bothered me that I kept takin her back meanwhile her family and cousins would always think I was the bad guy.

If they only knew the truth of it all.

Also bothers me that now she's telling everyone she's writing a book. Started out my plagerizing some article. Posted what she 'wrote' on Facebook saying 'a little taste of my book'

Meanwhile it's getting a bunch of likes from random people she friended (Facebook doesn't even allow her or others to friend her anymore aide she spammed so many friend requests)

Abut even her sisters and cousins are complimenting what she 'wrote'

But anyone that plagerized would bother me.   But I'm just trying to ignore it. That's the life she wants to live and she wants to continue to lie to everyone around her. That her choice and her ugly life. I'm glad I'm not a part of it anymore.
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HarmKrakow
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« Reply #13 on: April 16, 2013, 07:56:24 PM »

I know what you mean. It bothered me that I kept takin her back meanwhile her family and cousins would always think I was the bad guy.

If they only knew the truth of it all.

Also bothers me that now she's telling everyone she's writing a book. Started out my plagerizing some article. Posted what she 'wrote' on Facebook saying 'a little taste of my book'

Meanwhile it's getting a bunch of likes from random people she friended (Facebook doesn't even allow her or others to friend her anymore aide she spammed so many friend requests)

Abut even her sisters and cousins are complimenting what she 'wrote'

But anyone that plagerized would bother me.   But I'm just trying to ignore it. That's the life she wants to live and she wants to continue to lie to everyone around her. That her choice and her ugly life. I'm glad I'm not a part of it anymore.

Actually I saw my ex blatantly lie on a social media website. So funny, even lied about her age, may she rest in piece.

It just confirms they are ill
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« Reply #14 on: April 16, 2013, 08:39:48 PM »

My ex has a math degree. She is very bright. I'm an engineer. She is good with money. She can describe her problems in pretty good detail. When she is focusing she learns quite easily and can take care of herself pretty well when she is following a routine.

... .   when she gets dysregulated she can't work. She claims she is ill. She gets money from her father (32 years old). She can't handle any conflict or hint of criticism. It is difficult to see the same person. It was extremely hard for me to put both people in the same body. It doesn't make sense. That is what makes it a disorder. Was your ex really so bad? I know you are angry now but you loved her right? She had some good qualities. It is very difficult to bring them both together in our heads but it is the same person. I don't think my ex is evil just disordered. I know she doesn't want to live her life this way. She even told me so. She can't stop herself. It is sad. I leave her to her sadness and am focused on moving away from my own. I think this is best for both of us.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.msg1331266#msg1331266

I was casual friends with my ex for at least 6 years before we ever dated. I would have never guessed. Intimacy can be a trigger for the emotional dysregulation.

I'm surprised you say this. It does make sense that intimacy can be a trigger for emotional dysregulation. I mean ... . when  you like a girl, or you want to dance with someone, anxiety might over run you. When you get closer, your head goes spinning.

Because if you rewrite the question, what would cause emotional dysregulation... . intimacy would be a logical choice.

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sunrising
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« Reply #15 on: April 16, 2013, 09:50:24 PM »

Excerpt
I don't think my ex is evil just disordered. I know she doesn't want to live her life this way. She even told me so. She can't stop herself. It is sad. I leave her to her sadness and am focused on moving away from my own. I think this is best for both of us.

I've never heard my situation summed up better than this. My ex literally told me she doesn't want to be the way she is, in a number of different ways,  and I still held on.   I plan to slightly edit and plagiarize the bold part for song lyrics, with your permission.
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Rocknut
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« Reply #16 on: April 17, 2013, 06:49:33 AM »

Excerpt
I don't think my ex is evil just disordered. I know she doesn't want to live her life this way. She even told me so. She can't stop herself. It is sad. I leave her to her sadness and am focused on moving away from my own. I think this is best for both of us.

I've never heard my situation summed up better than this. My ex literally told me she doesn't want to be the way she is, in a number of different ways,  and I still held on.   I plan to slightly edit and plagiarize the bold part for song lyrics, with your permission.

My ex told me the same thing at various points. It was almost like moments of clarity. Then again, maybe he was manipulating the situation? It sure felt like it.
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OTH
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« Reply #17 on: April 17, 2013, 06:51:59 AM »

ok but I get a portion of royalties if it becomes a smashing success.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Excerpt
I don't think my ex is evil just disordered. I know she doesn't want to live her life this way. She even told me so. She can't stop herself. It is sad. I leave her to her sadness and am focused on moving away from my own. I think this is best for both of us.

I've never heard my situation summed up better than this. My ex literally told me she doesn't want to be the way she is, in a number of different ways,  and I still held on.   I plan to slightly edit and plagiarize the bold part for song lyrics, with your permission.

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Mary Oliver:  Someone I loved gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift

HarmKrakow
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« Reply #18 on: April 17, 2013, 06:55:33 AM »

My ex has a math degree. She is very bright. I'm an engineer. She is good with money. She can describe her problems in pretty good detail. When she is focusing she learns quite easily and can take care of herself pretty well when she is following a routine.

... .   when she gets dysregulated she can't work. She claims she is ill. She gets money from her father (32 years old). She can't handle any conflict or hint of criticism. It is difficult to see the same person. It was extremely hard for me to put both people in the same body. It doesn't make sense. That is what makes it a disorder. Was your ex really so bad? I know you are angry now but you loved her right? She had some good qualities. It is very difficult to bring them both together in our heads but it is the same person. I don't think my ex is evil just disordered. I know she doesn't want to live her life this way. She even told me so. She can't stop herself. It is sad. I leave her to her sadness and am focused on moving away from my own. I think this is best for both of us.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.msg1331266#msg1331266

I was casual friends with my ex for at least 6 years before we ever dated. I would have never guessed. Intimacy can be a trigger for the emotional dysregulation.

I'm surprised you say this. It does make sense that intimacy can be a trigger for emotional dysregulation. I mean ... . when  you like a girl, or you want to dance with someone, anxiety might over run you. When you get closer, your head goes spinning.

Because if you rewrite the question, what would cause emotional dysregulation... . intimacy would be a logical choice.


With us it was the 'other way around', me doing the maths. My ex is relatively functional but on a social level a dork and lives in the utter black/white world. She can function but her emotions can go from crying because someone shouts at her at work, she would go to the toilet for half an hour. To then call her boss and then tell her boss that that person who called my ex names, my ex would go on war mode and go for the all shouting and cursing words about this person. There is no 'inbetween'. I've never, ever seen such a black and white person (also in regards of idealization and devaluation) or someone who could rage for the most trivial matters.

Not just idealization and devaluation with me, but also with friends. She would cling on someone new in her group and friends and literally not spend any minute anymore with other friends. Not even leaving a message or anything. No, *poof* just cut it off. Thats it... . So weird man. It's like a chameleon.

But yeah, my ex is also very clever. It was in the end, now looking back, the only thing which was in common. IQ, and nothing more.

I thought that what I felt for her was love, but i'm being told otherwise.
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changingme
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« Reply #19 on: April 17, 2013, 07:13:32 AM »

Unfortunately, yes you were the only one.  We are all the only ones who witness or witnessed it which is exactly why we are all here... .   to understand and be understood of this complex situation. It can really drive you crazy to know you look like the "crazy" one, over reacting, being so angry, saying he or she has deep issues, but no one can see it what you mean.  I try to find the peace in the fact that I was smart enough to know it wasn't a "normal" bad relationship, that it was something bigger and deeper... .   peace in knowing I was smart enough to search and search until I found my answer and peace in learning I am not the only one.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #20 on: April 17, 2013, 11:26:27 AM »

The ability to put on the public mask is part of the disorder. Having no stable self-image, pwBPD need to invest a lot of energy in trying to be the person they think they are expected to be. They often care so profoundly about what others think of them because being thought well of by others allows them to think well of themselves. They have no internal sense of personal integrity and so need constant external validation.
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HarmKrakow
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« Reply #21 on: April 17, 2013, 01:41:00 PM »

The ability to put on the public mask is part of the disorder. Having no stable self-image, pwBPD need to invest a lot of energy in trying to be the person they think they are expected to be. They often care so profoundly about what others think of them because being thought well of by others allows them to think well of themselves. They have no internal sense of personal integrity and so need constant external validation.

And to add to that, it doesn't matter who they get that constant external validation from. It could be person A today, person B tomorrow and in a week time person C leaving person A and B utterly dumbstruck and clueless.
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Rocknut
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« Reply #22 on: April 17, 2013, 05:00:39 PM »

[/quote]
And to add to that, it doesn't matter who they get that constant external validation from. It could be person A today, person B tomorrow and in a week time person C leaving person A and B utterly dumbstruck and clueless.[/quote]
YUP, 1 month after I met my boyfriend's mother, he told me, "this may sound cold hearted, But I have no feelings for you."
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