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Author Topic: She deleted me from facebook  (Read 894 times)
mango_flower
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« on: April 16, 2013, 05:17:36 PM »

Now I don't feel so bad for going NC anymore.  She initiated it, right?

She has deleted every single person from my town that I introduced her too and she became friends with... .   and all of our sporting community.  Very strange!

Even weirder, about the time she deleted me, she sent me a text saying "Can I call you?" which I didn't get until later (as it was to my other phone and I only turned it on this evening).  Needless to say, I have ignored her.

I feel... .   weird.

Sad, but kind of ok.  Like I can't obsessively check her facebook anymore (which is good).  Although she has still left her old profile on there, which she doesn't update. Thus I am sure she will still log in and stalk me Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).

I'm acting like I haven't noticed. 

With anyone else, I'd say they're just making a fresh start and cutting the deadwood of old friends they don't speak to much. But this is her.  It's not that straightforward!  Something is brewing.

But I'm no longer a part of it!  Weeeeeeeee! Smiling (click to insert in post)
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mtmc01
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« Reply #1 on: April 16, 2013, 05:34:15 PM »

I deleted my ex myself. It's a way of detaching, you can't necessarily blame her for that. Mine did have to one up me and completely block me though. We deleted each others family and friends also for the most part. It just makes it easier not having those reminders.
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mango_flower
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« Reply #2 on: April 16, 2013, 05:40:42 PM »

I completely agree with you that it's a normal part of detaching. But for her, it's not that... .   I just know it.  Why delete people who were good friends of hers that I introduced her to, that have stayed in touch?

She NEVER deletes anyone.  Ever.  She adds people if she's met them once or spoken to them once.  It's like she collects friends.  Even people she's fallen out with in the past she hasn't deleted, as she holds on to her anger and she likes to see what they're up to.

I'd love to say she's learning, and becoming more mature, but I just know that's not true!

But the main thing is that I don't have to be tempted to look at her facebook now... .  

The only concern is WHY.  People will say "Why does it matter?" but to me it does, because then I can anticipate her next move.

Something just doesn't sit right about it all.  That's all I know.  But hey.  I feel freer. Smiling (click to insert in post) x
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GreenMango
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« Reply #3 on: April 16, 2013, 05:43:04 PM »

Sounds like she's looking for some distance.  It seems pretty reasonable after a not so great break up to want that.

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mango_flower
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« Reply #4 on: April 16, 2013, 05:46:57 PM »

On the surface, maybe... .   I dunno - I know her too well to think that'll be it, and that I'll never hear from her again... .     We will see!

The main thing I feel is that I am "off the hook" so to speak - I now no longer have to play nice, and answer her.  Because she deleted me.  So I can feel justified in not responding now if she gets hold of me in some other way - if that makes sense Smiling (click to insert in post)
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GreenMango
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« Reply #5 on: April 16, 2013, 05:50:29 PM »

If ya need to not talk to her to get your feet underneath and heal yourself I get it.

I'm not sure about the tit for tat you block me I ignore you.  It is it more like she's moving on and you feeling you need to too type of situation?
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mango_flower
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« Reply #6 on: April 16, 2013, 05:59:01 PM »

It's so very hard to explain Green Mango, but I'll try Smiling (click to insert in post)

It's not tit for tat per se - but I need the headspace away from her.  Yet when she was being polite and even when ranting, the fact she hadn't actually defriended me made me feel mean for wanting to ignore her and heal.  I put her and her needs first - she needed me to be there, so I was.

But now she has deleted me, it's like she has said "F you, I DON'T need you in my life".  So now I feel I can not reply if she does get in touch, and feel not guilty.  Because she was the one who effectively chose to end our friendship.  Hope that makes sense!

But I guarantee you, 100%, this will not be the last I hear from her.  I am dying to find out why she texted to ask if she could call earlier, but I am not going to reply, so I guess I will never know!  Ah well.    I do know her well enough to know that she would NEVER EVER (and I bet my life savings on this!) phone to be mature enough to say "Hey, I think it's better we have a bit of space so we can heal and move on".  It just wouldn't happen. Not in her nature.

She'll get in touch when she needs me.  Trust me on that!  Until then, space and time for helping me heal Smiling (click to insert in post)

I do feel bad that she deleted over 100 people though. It's like erasing EVERY SINGLE person she ever met in this town.  Even the ones who stayed in touch when she left.  I just find that bizarre.  :)eleting me and my close friends I can understand. But not other people who don't even know me that well!  It's like, deny deny deny... .   and then the past doesn't exist.  Strange.  Oh well!  

*** Edited to add ***

I guess what I'm saying is, this wasn't done out of a mature decision to move on.  We've been split up for over 5 months now and she's been engaged for 2 months to somebody else.  For the most part, we've stayed in low contact. This was done out of anger and lashing out in my book.  And that worries me. But she lives far away now (3 hours) and wouldn't drive here to get to me I hope Smiling (click to insert in post)
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GreenMango
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« Reply #7 on: April 16, 2013, 06:10:39 PM »

Well she's engaged.  Timing wise and appropriateness aside - its a good time to work on letting go of any attachment you may have for if she come back.  She may, she may not.

We all know how hard it is.  There will be a day where even if she showed up at your door professing love and wanting to try again won't really phase you. 

It's good you can't look at her Facebook.  It sounds like its keeping you connected to her.

Hang in there.  Keeping moving forward.

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mango_flower
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« Reply #8 on: April 16, 2013, 06:14:07 PM »

Exactly! Thank you Smiling (click to insert in post) x
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« Reply #9 on: April 16, 2013, 07:33:35 PM »

But she lives far away now (3 hours) and wouldn't drive here to get to me I hope Smiling (click to insert in post)

She can only "get to you" if you let her.

Glad she deleted you... .   now you can let that go!  ONWARD!

turtle

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« Reply #10 on: April 16, 2013, 08:24:14 PM »

Mango Flower, I deleted my ex from FB 6 weeks ago, and this has really helped me in the detaching process. I tried to time it in between his postings so he would not think I did it as a reaction to something he wrote. He has not blocked me, nor have I blocked him, so we can both see each other's pages. But now I can't see when he is, or is not, online, and that has helped me tremendously. As for why your ex deleted you, I agree that it sounds like she impulsively did that put of anger. FB is a way for us to remain connected to others in a pseudo-friendship way. She had now cut that tie... .   and spared you from having to do it in the future. Take some time now to breathe and heal.
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« Reply #11 on: April 16, 2013, 10:41:06 PM »

In my case she deleted me on Face book and then I decided to blocked her for a year. Which recently ended.  I also took off most of the people I met through her as I did not want her to get any information on what I was doing as she had already caused enough problems for me. I was fearful of her causing more problems with all the lies she was spreading.
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Mightyhammers
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« Reply #12 on: April 17, 2013, 07:16:15 AM »

I felt a bit silly and childish when I blocked her from FB ( and got a snotty message from her that evening ), but at the time my head wasn’t in a great place so is why I did it in any case Ive unblocked her. Ive made my page pretty much public ( we have one person linking accounts, so she can pretty much see everything on mine which Im not bothered about ), but hers isn’t so I can only see when she changes her picture on there ( which is every other day from what I can see ). The hardest thing for me is not going on her page, so I think if you’ve been deleted its been a godsend tbh!
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causticdork
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« Reply #13 on: April 17, 2013, 09:01:06 AM »

Facebook makes it so much harder to let go when you're still healing.  I had one ex that I had to delete right after we broke up, and it wasn't even that I had any hard feelings towards her.  She was actually a really sweet girl and a good girlfriend, but we just weren't compatible.  She took the break-up hard and read way too much into everything I posted, wanted to know who every girl was that I added as a new friend, and made a lot of passive aggressive status updates clearly directed at me.  So I sent her a message saying that I needed to delete her because being FB friends was clearly not helping either one of us, but no hard feelings and I hoped she understood.  

My BPDex is on FB a lot, but rarely posts or comments on anything, and would rather die than air personal business on a social media outlet.  I have received a few texts asking about girls that I've added as friends, but other than that low-drama levels as far as the internet is concerned.  

Even though your ex's intentions were probably not just a simple desire to move on (I'm trusting you on that because I know how well I know my ex and how much of her behavior would look perfectly normal to anyone but me), I say take it as a good thing and enjoy the freedom.
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NiceGuy83
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« Reply #14 on: April 17, 2013, 10:08:50 AM »

I have also, before reading this thread, just removed my BPD exgf and blocked her on Facebook.  I also unfriended anyone who was not really 'my' friend but 'hers', and messaged the other mutual friends to explain that I don't want to know what she's doing or who she's with.  They have all so far understood or respected my reaction, even if they don't know (because I'm not shouting it from the rooftops) exactly why this was necessary.

I know from my last BPD relationship that tearing myself up on FB was one of the hardest parts, looking at her page every day for months to see if there was any hint of what she was doing, or, in particular, who she was seeing.  I saw just this morning, after she had moved her stuff out last night, that she had posted (which is something she almost never does) to say thanks to her friends for supportive messages, and that she was 'doing fine'.  Why not just say that to those that did message her privately?  Because the message is meant for me... .   another great big 'Let's see how much I can hurt him, for hurting me' (whatever I'm supposed to have done).  I would not normally think like this, if I didn't (a) know her so well, warts and all, and (b) know that she does this to others, because she told me so when things were better(?) between us.

I am not going to play psychological games with her, so the only answer is to go 'NC'.  I would recommend blocking BPD exes if you find yourself upset by what they post, or even if you find yourself hungrily searching her page for information.  It's healthier to move on, in my opinion.  Best of luck to you all, as it's sure not easy to do!

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slimmiller
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« Reply #15 on: April 17, 2013, 10:42:21 AM »

On the surface, maybe... .   I dunno - I know her too well to think that'll be it, and that I'll never hear from her again... .     We will see!

The main thing I feel is that I am "off the hook" so to speak - I now no longer have to play nice, and answer her.  Because she deleted me.  So I can feel justified in not responding now if she gets hold of me in some other way - if that makes sense Smiling (click to insert in post)

Totally makes sense. A major fear I have with mine is that someday she will be 'sorry' for her cheating and lying among the million other offenses she has committed against me and my children. Should she do that, I would then have to try harder and consider all the emotions of forgiving a 'good' person rather then leaving a crazy out of control bar hopper to her own devices.

One word of caution as you question her motive for deleting you. She has you somewhat off kilter and guessing or unsettled. Naturally you want to know why but my experience tells me when they have you guessing and a little unsure of their actions they have you exactly where they want you! Why do I say that? That is where there mind is and when they can drag us down to their level they are in control in some sick twisted way.

Take care of you while she is busy so you are prepared when she baits her hook again by contacting you  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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mango_flower
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« Reply #16 on: April 17, 2013, 12:10:34 PM »

Well, she lasted all of 22 hours before getting in touch.

I received an email saying "I just found out you are off to Africa.  Have a good time."

I haven't replied.

Seeing as I only posted that on facebook AFTER she deleted me, I am going to hazard a guess that she is logging on as her pet (yes he has a facebook page, but then so does mine, haha, so... .   ) and is still watching my every move.

Very strange.  Oh well.  I feel reassured that she was as predictable as I thought though!

I'm going to enjoy the freedom and the lack of drama Smiling (click to insert in post)  Thank you all for replying Smiling (click to insert in post) x
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seeking balance
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« Reply #17 on: April 17, 2013, 12:25:16 PM »

Very strange.  Oh well.  I feel reassured that she was as predictable as I thought though!

I'm going to enjoy the freedom and the lack of drama Smiling (click to insert in post)  Thank you all for replying Smiling (click to insert in post) x

ummm... .   this sounds pretty drama filled to me.

Are you sure you are not enjoying being in control now?

What is it going to take for you to let go of your part of the dysfunctional dance?
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HarmKrakow
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« Reply #18 on: April 17, 2013, 12:44:25 PM »

Well, she lasted all of 22 hours before getting in touch.

I received an email saying "I just found out you are off to Africa.  Have a good time."

I haven't replied.

Seeing as I only posted that on facebook AFTER she deleted me, I am going to hazard a guess that she is logging on as her pet (yes he has a facebook page, but then so does mine, haha, so... .   ) and is still watching my every move.

Very strange.  Oh well.  I feel reassured that she was as predictable as I thought though!

I'm going to enjoy the freedom and the lack of drama Smiling (click to insert in post)  Thank you all for replying Smiling (click to insert in post) x

She didnt say anything in regards of deleting you from facebook? Man, this dysfunctional dance makes me even dizzy.
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NiceGuy83
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« Reply #19 on: April 17, 2013, 12:47:49 PM »

 mango_flower,

Excerpt
I am going to hazard a guess that she is logging on as her pet (yes he has a facebook page, but then so does mine, haha, so... .   ) and is still watching my every move.

I'm sorry but... .   you're still interacting.  You're still reacting with interest to her response/lack thereof.  You knew she could see you through the pet's page.  So you half-wanted her to have that level of contact.  You deleted her main account, but not the other - you haven't severed ties.

Block her on every account.  Remove the ability for her to check on you, and you to check on her.  That reminds me, my hamster has an account.  Need to go take of that!

If you're going 'NC', you've got to go the whole hog. Good luck (and I do understand why you haven't - the pull they have is unreal, isn't it?)!
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NiceGuy83
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« Reply #20 on: April 17, 2013, 12:56:13 PM »

Hamster account dealt with.  But first, while I was on it, i checked her page!  You just can't help yourself unless you actually go ahead and block, I guess!
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causticdork
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« Reply #21 on: April 17, 2013, 01:07:40 PM »

Remember how much easier it was to break up with someone before social networking?  I'm not even that old, but I remember when "stalking" your ex meant you were parking outside their house all day and having the cops called to tell you to leave.  Stalking used to be something only mentally unbalanced/dangerous people did.  You didn't know what your ex was doing unless you were crazy enough to follow her around.  Now you can keep tabs on your ex all day long without leaving your house, and it's making us into a generation of saps who don't know how to let go and move on with our lives.  If there was a fist-shaking smiley I would totally shake my fist at Facebook right now... .  
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HarmKrakow
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« Reply #22 on: April 17, 2013, 01:44:37 PM »

Remember how much easier it was to break up with someone before social networking?  I'm not even that old, but I remember when "stalking" your ex meant you were parking outside their house all day and having the cops called to tell you to leave.  Stalking used to be something only mentally unbalanced/dangerous people did.  You didn't know what your ex was doing unless you were crazy enough to follow her around.  Now you can keep tabs on your ex all day long without leaving your house, and it's making us into a generation of saps who don't know how to let go and move on with our lives.  If there was a fist-shaking smiley I would totally shake my fist at Facebook right now... .  

"Like" ... .

No but brother, ur completely right. Facebook sucks. There is no gain from Facebook. It's rubbish.
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mango_flower
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« Reply #23 on: April 17, 2013, 04:18:34 PM »

I'm reacting with interest as I need to keep one step ahead.  I have a bad feeling about where this is going.  I also know the lies she has told about past partners.  If I get a feeling for why she is doing this, it helps me to anticipate.

Like today, she emailed, but I had a feeling she would so I had already talked myself into not replying, so I had my plan.  If I'd not considered it, it would have thrown me.

I'm not interested in interacting with her at all. Hence why I haven't replied, and haven't logged on to MY pet's profile to see her. 

It's getting less painful now, all the wondering, and more "Curious" I guess.  Cos it's a whole new level of games.  And the more I see, the more resolve I have that she is nuts and I want no part of it.

I have a different opinion of the facebook thing - for most, it's engaging.  But I can hand on heart say that seeing what I have seen on there, it has helped me see the other side to her. The selfish, mind-game-playing side.  If I hadn't seen that, I'd still be looking back with rose tinted glasses.  Different for everyone I am sure, but I know who I am and I know what I need.

x
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TheDude
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« Reply #24 on: April 17, 2013, 04:31:22 PM »

I have a different opinion of the facebook thing - for most, it's engaging.

Engaging or addicting? Six of one, half dozen of another, I suppose... .    
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seeking balance
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« Reply #25 on: April 17, 2013, 04:35:51 PM »

I'm reacting with interest as I need to keep one step ahead. 

Do you honestly think any of us who have gone through the detaching process are buying this?

Exactly what are you looking for on these boards, from where I sit... .   you are playing mind games with yourself... .   we all do it, but aren't you ready to focus on perhaps your own life and not chasing hers?
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mtmc01
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« Reply #26 on: April 17, 2013, 05:38:44 PM »

I have to say that seeing her Facebook before I was blocked did help me detach as well. I was able to see how nutty she's being with the sudden super Christianity, how she is mirroring the new guy and "liking" all of his interests, even how she was talking to him on there in the same manner as she did me at the start. She also had to announce to the world she was deleting pictures of me, said something about love and fear obviously directed at me. Smear city.
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HarmKrakow
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« Reply #27 on: April 17, 2013, 06:05:08 PM »

I have to say that seeing her Facebook before I was blocked did help me detach as well. I was able to see how nutty she's being with the sudden super Christianity, how she is mirroring the new guy and "liking" all of his interests, even how she was talking to him on there in the same manner as she did me at the start. She also had to announce to the world she was deleting pictures of me, said something about love and fear obviously directed at me. Smear city.

You say nutty. I see my ex going from an academic scholar to a 4 nights a week drunk dancer in clubs and smoking and drinking and smoking and drinking.

It makes me feel disgusting  :'(. Like, how could she change SO quickly. And it's like I don't know her anymore. It hurts.
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causticdork
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« Reply #28 on: April 17, 2013, 06:09:19 PM »

Yeah, it's different for everybody.  The whole staying connected on Facebook thing is becoming more and more common for exes in this day and age.  I think those of us who have been involved with BPDers it can be a way to feel a sense of closure.  If Mango feels more in control of her emotions towards this girl when she has the FB connection available then good for her. Whatever works for you works for you.
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mango_flower
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« Reply #29 on: April 17, 2013, 06:10:53 PM »

Seeking balance - I do love that you challenge me!  

But yeah, people may or may not buy what I say.  I'm learning not to care.  I KNOW that for me, it is helpful to know what sort of mindset she is in. You're right in that I'm still a bit focused on her life.  But I don't post here when I have NOTHING to say, so I guess it just seems like everything is about her.  If you saw me with my friends, going to work, playing sport, you'd realise it's not. But as it's a BPD board, of course it's going to look like I am still hung up on her - that's what the board is for, talking about things Smiling (click to insert in post)  And I'm a processor, so it helps me.

I'm also not sure that people realise quite how far I have come. I guess reading my posts, you may think I'm still obsessed. But I can see the improvements I am making. Smiling (click to insert in post)

P.S Caustic - great way of putting it - thanks Smiling (click to insert in post) Yes, it actually HELPS me to move on seeing how she is acting.  As I said earlier, I'd be looking back through rose tinted glasses otherwise!

P.P.S Harm - yes, it damn well hurts.  So so much. But less impact every day! Smiling (click to insert in post)
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