do you ever feel like your the one with BPD?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am about 3 months out of my relationship with my uBPD exgf. I have found that I am really questioning myself lately. She broke NC last week, after splitting me black. No I find most contact with her triggers me... .   anger, crying, yelling.

[PattyG]

I am about 3 months out of my relationship with my uBPD exgf. I have found that I am really questioning myself lately. She broke NC last week, after splitting me black. No I find most contact with her triggers me... .   anger, crying, yelling.

[Rocknut]

yes, but that's only because your BPD parter probably accused you of being crazy?

I know mine did. He accused me of being crazy at the end. I really started to wonder.

[motherof1yearold]

I made the terrible mistake during my relationship of telling my ex BPD H that he is a borderline. After that in rages he would project on me saying I'M the borderline. He then began to gas light me more often and do lots of crazy making to make myself believe I was going completely INSANE.

(My ex is also so narcissistic he would never even listen to any of the criteria / symptoms of BPD or look it up )

Good post though I like this post

[mtmc01]

I think the fact we're examining ourselves and posting on here is proof enough we're not BPD. That, and we didn't immediately jump into another serious R/S and start idealizing someone new. We're actually processing our emotions like real human beings.

[motherof1yearold]

Good point mtmc01!

I am TERRIFIED of any new relationship now... . even all guy friends I have exhibited extreme PD traits to the point I had to cut them off because of the triggering for me (and general unsafe situation for me)

[causticdork]

I think everyone feels crazy during and after a break-up.  Because we all go a little crazy when our hearts get broken.  Don't beat yourself up because you're having human emotions and grieving the loss of someone you loved.

[wanttoknowmore]

One clue to whether you have BPD or not is ask yourself... .   ":)id I feel the same in all break ups in the past or I felt this way only in this relationship?"

For me its the only r/s break up  ,I felt this "weird" I never had such an experience in past with any other person.

[jrx]

I've been there too. It's like you absorb some of their BPD behaviors and then combine that with your mind / body's natural defenses against pain. It happened to me just today. She texted me to ask if I was sleeping.

It might be an innocent question to most, but I'm not a morning person, and she spent 18 months screaming at me about not being up early enough. So when she called me about the text, I completely lost it. Completely.

[PattyG]

Thank you. I am stressing because my court date is tomorrow for custody of my kids. We broke no contact last week and it seems I'm the one yelling and upset on the phone. She says things like I'm evil, stealing the kids, lying, etc. One minute she is being nice and trying to be friendly, then it becomes obvious that she is trying to manipulate the situation to look better in court.

[Mightyhammers]

I have never, NEVER questioned my mental health against hers – yes I have been upset during ( and still am ) the breakup, but I am 110% sure that its her that has the problem not me

[Take2]

I have wondered it many times . Feels better to hear my therapist assure me that its not me that's got BPD but one to consider is what behaviors we do as nons have that may have contributed to the dynamic.

I know that my own r/s dynamic would not have gotten this intense without both of us.

That's not to take away from the fact that my bf absolutely has done this all with every gf he ever had... .  

But I am SO codependent that I think I have allowed his dysfunction to grow more than Anyone else .  Who knows. 

I. Having a hard, time feeling normal again tho... .  

[ScotisGone74]

I have questioned my own choices and thinking, but not my mental health.  Being angry, upset, confused, bewildered is all normal I believe following a relationship with a true BPD person.  I did notice while I was in the relationship the exBPD that I had become increasingly angry, was a lot more snappy, I believe this was due to always being threatened and manipulated in the relationship.  Now at 5 months NC it feels like a huge weight and burden has been lifted off of my shoulders, I'm a lot nicer person, more easy going, with a lot less anxiety hanging over me. 

What I would recommend is to speak with a therapist or mental health expert on how to communicate with your ex-for your kids' sake.  I am at the luxury that thankfully I did not have children with my ex BPD, so I can hack it never speaking or communicating with her again in this life, but people with kids unfortunately have to communicate some.  All I could say is to keep it as professional as possible, just like you would if you were talking with your dentist when you visited.  Avoid responding or arguing over any slanderous, nutty accusations as much as possible, get a good attorney that you can tell the situation to as well. 

[sunrising]

I have never, NEVER questioned my mental health against hers – yes I have been upset during ( and still am ) the breakup, but I am 110% sure that its her that has the problem not me

It's easy and comforting to feel this way and, since we're all here, we certainly believe our ex's have problems with a healthy, intimate relationship.  However, I, for one, am definitely not willing to say that my ex has problems and I don't.  I don't think I suffer from BPD, but I do know it takes 2 people to participate in a dysfunctional relationship and I most certainly participated.  I've done and said things, even since the break-up, that are not consistent with what I know to be right.  Even after nearly 3 months apart, much of that spent in NC, I still felt the need as of just a few days ago to try to be validated by my ex.  Not only did I try to receive validation from a person I believe to be incapable of empathy towards me, I allowed it to hurt me when I didn't receive the validation I wanted.  There are many other examples of how I have behaved in a manner inconsistent with what I know to be wise and sound.

If you're here talking and learning about BPD, I think it's unlikely you suffer from it.  But I know I stayed in a relationship with someone who suffers from BPD traits long after I saw  and knew something wasn't right.  That means I need to take a look at myself too, because I  have my own "problems".  If I see the relationship we had in black and white (she was all bad and I was all good), while it may not mean I suffer from BPD, I'm not  facing all the facts. 

There's only so much I can learn about my ex and her behavior, and I certainly can't change anything about her.  But there are things I can learn and improve about myself. 

sunrising

[Surrender]

The very few times I felt strong enough to question him or the latest thing I either witnessed or was a target of I recall his eyes would turn a raging red  and then he would really lay into me as to every single reason WHY he was justified and being driven to the degree of his anger against me or others. He would do this sometimes for hours.

He literally would lay into me with EVERY single thing he ever saw that I did, said or gave the impression of to justify why he had every reason in the world to accuse me, suspect me and righteously paint me black. It only made him believe all his fears, jealousies, paranoia suspicions and criticisms even more.

This had a strange affect on me because here is where his twisted arguments and constant emotional dysregulation causing rages, arguments, pushing, pulling, projections, break up and make ups, sabotaging and general verbal abuse began to wear me down even in how I was perceiving things. Sometimes he would hit objects in his rage or posture aggressively to intimidate me. If I tried to get close to him to calm him down he would turn me away in abject disgust and make me feel like I was utterly vile and he couldn't even bear to look or be touched by me. Then he would go on about that for a while.

The mood swings and attacks were always about how I caused him the grief and made him feel utterly dysregulated because of something that he perceived that I did, said or because what I mentioned that I did 20 years ago. Eventually this caused me to start believing that how he was seeing things could potentially be real for him and plausible through his eyes. This is where I began to become twisted myself in how I was processing it all and responding. This is where I began to doubt myself and wonder who was right.  

I began to question if I actually was guilty of doing the things he accused me of to make him feel insecure in loving me. This is also where I saw myself accepting his punitive measures and recognized that I was walking on egg shells and literally doing everything I could to not give him reason to cause another emotional dysregulated rage. I found myself dreading the next 'Tsunami' and being ever watchful for the slightest change in his behavior, attitude and general disposition. I watched him like a hawk and noted if I saw the slightest inappropriate reaction. (which he also would do at times).

I realized that if he woke up in a certain mood that was going to be a very bad day and I had to try and not be around. Yet his moods could literally shift instantly and then the tsunami would hit anyways... .   and at that point I would realize that when he raged that he was talking/yelling in a manner that said he was perseverating over these issues for a long time and that even though I thought everything was really great for the past week in fact I was completely wrong. Here is where I started thinking that everything that I perceived as real was different from his perceptions. So who was seeing the true reality?

According to his rage the issues were there the whole entire time. I had no idea how to defend myself with him and no idea how to break down all the many twisted distortions because that would just out rage him further. He had a way of always making it out to be true in a twisted way and when I would try and correct him he would accuse me of trying to manipulate him, of being a liar and he would use his argument in such a clever way as to try and catch me lying if I tried to deny it.

In the end I have to admit I was all twisted up and wondering who was the imbalanced one. I watched myself becoming submissive (which is NOT my nature) and constantly defeated. But with this control over me, I found his emotional dysregulation becoming even worse and his rages more frequent because now he had cause and was justified in trusting his fears, in his eyes I now was more and more guilty with the slightest word spoken. My behavior was an indicator that he was right therefore he trusted me even less now.

My head spun in circles trying to figure out what 'the truth' was in this twisted emotional mess. The deeper I got into him and us the more lost I became and I honestly couldn't see straight anymore. Yes I felt abused, beaten down and truly like he was twisting me up. I began to fear my own ability to process the truth or even how I was seeing things.

[Take2]

I did notice while I was in the relationship the exBPD that I had become increasingly angry, was a lot more snappy, I believe this was due to always being threatened and manipulated in the relationship.  Now at 5 months NC it feels like a huge weight and burden has been lifted off of my shoulders, I'm a lot nicer person, more easy going, with a lot less anxiety hanging over me. 

I think this is definitely where I am at right now also.  I am so angry, so snappy so often.  I cannot take being accused of absurdity anymore that the slightest provocation from my ex sends me over the edge.  And often, now I can appear to be the one raging.  I long for the day that I feel a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  I miss that more easy going me... .     but I know I'm still in there... .     yay YOU for being there... .   !  Something for some of us to look forward to!   

[fromheeltoheal]

No, I know I'm not BPD, but I am a People Pleaser and have my own issues, and was very naive in the r/s, which is my part in what created the loaded bond between us.

But now, NC longer than the r/s lasted, I've realized that anyone subjected to the emotional, psychological, and sometimes physical abuse that I was would have some PTSD; I'm edgy, irritable, short tempered, angry, and at this point it doesn't have anything to do with her, at least consciously.  But the good news is I'm using it to come here, talk, dig, learn, process, things I wouldn't have done had i not gone through that.  What if nothing happens to us, it all happens for us?