Willing to be reeled in if I am off base

[Depression = 72% of members]

Just want to run this past ya'll. I really would appreciate it if you could let me know what you think:

Here's the setup:

Unbeknownst to us, Son and uBPDw make flight reservations for vacation. Flying out of airport a couple of hours away - one way. Closer airport could've been chosen but it possibly would've added to their cost and would've necessitated a flight change at another airport.

We learn of their plans about a month before flight threw general dinner table conversation. Flight is Christmas Eve early/mid afternoon. Sibling asks "How are you getting to the airport?"  Son coyly says, looking at me, "we thought you would take us."

My response: "I can't take you. It's Christmas Eve. I work that day (til noon). I would need to take vacation pay and the office would be empty. (The office being empty would not be a good thing. At this point, for about two weeks I was the only person covering the office.) I would be willing to pay for a bus." One "starving college student" sibling offers they would take them but would like to be reimbursed for gas.

Other things to consider in this case, is that the weather could potentially be an issue and I would think a bus (and siblings could've taken them to the bus) would be more of a sure thing for this type of scenario. Plus, there are other siblings at home who would be waiting for me to get home before we could start our holiday celebrations. And if the weather was bad, who knows when that (me getting home) would be.

Ultimately, son and uBPDw ended up arranging their own transportation, but several months later, still remain mad/hurt *I* did not take them to the airport. They feel it was unreasonable. Their rationale is that a couple of weeks before, I had retrieved a sibling, several (not just two) hours away, from college for a winter break. In that scenario, the office was not left empty and I was able to use a regular day off - no vacation involved. Plus, plan B was if weather was an issue I would retrieve sibling the next day.

My viewpoint but willing to be reeled in if I am off base: it was not about THE ride to the airport, it was about ME taking them, since there were other reasonable (in my mind anyway) options presented and these options were apparently not satisfactory.

Question for you all: If it was you, given what I have written (if you need more clarification to answer my question, please let me know), would you have driven them to the airport 2 hours away on Christmas Eve?  Keep in mind weather here is unpredictable this time of year, vacation time necessary to take time off of work, plus office would've been empty, and siblings (albeit not young ones, but college age) at home waiting for festivities to start until I got home and if weather ended up being an issue, it potentially could've meant an overnight.

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

[louise 716]

Just want to run this past ya'll. I really would appreciate it if you could let me know what you think:

Here's the setup:

Unbeknownst to us, Son and uBPDw make flight reservations for vacation. Flying out of airport a couple of hours away - one way. Closer airport could've been chosen but it possibly would've added to their cost and would've necessitated a flight change at another airport.

We learn of their plans about a month before flight threw general dinner table conversation. Flight is Christmas Eve early/mid afternoon. Sibling asks "How are you getting to the airport?"  Son coyly says, looking at me, "we thought you would take us."

My response: "I can't take you. It's Christmas Eve. I work that day (til noon). I would need to take vacation pay and the office would be empty. (The office being empty would not be a good thing. At this point, for about two weeks I was the only person covering the office.) I would be willing to pay for a bus." One "starving college student" sibling offers they would take them but would like to be reimbursed for gas.

Other things to consider in this case, is that the weather could potentially be an issue and I would think a bus (and siblings could've taken them to the bus) would be more of a sure thing for this type of scenario. Plus, there are other siblings at home who would be waiting for me to get home before we could start our holiday celebrations. And if the weather was bad, who knows when that (me getting home) would be.

Ultimately, son and uBPDw ended up arranging their own transportation, but several months later, still remain mad/hurt *I* did not take them to the airport. They feel it was unreasonable. Their rationale is that a couple of weeks before, I had retrieved a sibling, several (not just two) hours away, from college for a winter break. In that scenario, the office was not left empty and I was able to use a regular day off - no vacation involved. Plus, plan B was if weather was an issue I would retrieve sibling the next day.

My viewpoint but willing to be reeled in if I am off base: it was not about THE ride to the airport, it was about ME taking them, since there were other reasonable (in my mind anyway) options presented and these options were apparently not satisfactory.

Question for you all: If it was you, given what I have written (if you need more clarification to answer my question, please let me know), would you have driven them to the airport 2 hours away on Christmas Eve?  Keep in mind weather here is unpredictable this time of year, vacation time necessary to take time off of work, plus office would've been empty, and siblings (albeit not young ones, but college age) at home waiting for festivities to start until I got home and if weather ended up being an issue, it potentially could've meant an overnight.

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

[HarmKrakow]

I'm going to be a bit unfortunately blunt here but ... .

No I wouldn't have driven them to the airport. Why would you sacrifice your work for traveling them towards an airport if public transport is more than a viable option.

If they would have needed to visit their sick grandmother, then I would have driven them.

But driving someone to the airport when you on your own have to take the day off while the essence is purely a holiday. Not in a million years. And if they complain about it, I wouldn't drive them at all anymore.

Besides ... . 'like for like' comparisons using as a argument is just rubbish. Just because Peter helped neighbor 1 to paint the house doesn't mean that when neighbor 2 knocks on the door and Peter says, call someone else I don't have time and then this neighbor 2 is going to keep a grudge forever to Peter. You want to be away from people like that :- )

[Kwamina]

Hi louise,

I wouldn't have driven them to the airport either. If they really wanted you to drive them, they should have asked in advance and not assume anything. My mother does things like this to manipulate me too. Like once she planned a vacation but in reality she didn't have the money for it. She never asked me to help her but assumed I would. In a waif-like voice she said 'You're gonna help me with my vacation right?'. Good for you that you didn't let your son and his uBPDw manipulate you! 

[MyAimIsTrue]

It was a completely different set of circumstances and they know it.  Also, if this sort of thing happens in the future (with anyone) I would recommend you keep your answers and your reasons short.  The longer the answer, the more it sounds defensive and like an "excuse" to these people.  You don't need to explain your office situation or the weather or the fact that it's a two hour drive on one of the most traveled days of the year - they know this. Remember that "No" is a complete sentence.  But, since it's the holidays and all, you can add, "but allow me to pay for your cab fare one way.  Merry Christmas."   

[GeekyGirl]

Unless your son and DIL have some sort of strong attachment to you (which is possible), I'm thinking that your DIL and son are more angry that you put your own needs in front of theirs (even if you did offer several very reasonable alternatives) than the fact that things didn't go exactly as they had imagined.You stood your ground and upheld your boundary.

Had they asked you and you had agreed to drive them and THEN changed your mind later, I could see how they'd be a little irritated. It's not something most people would be upset about for months though.

Would you do things the same way if the same scenario came up next Christmas Eve?

To answer your question, I would have handled things pretty much the same way you did and politely refuse with some alternatives.

[louise 716]

GeekyGirl,

Next Christmas Eve, IF they were to ask for a ride to that airport 2 hrs away, my answer would still be no.

DH and I are starting to think son and DIL do have a stronger attachment to me (I am the one who writes the checks) and also son's only brother.  A family member also stated that son is obviously particularly very angry with me.  Because of this anger, I have no desire to do anything to intentionally provoke the situation. I remain quiet - no calls, no texts, no e mails.  After all, he did say he wanted to be NC until, of course, I would confess my sins.

[louise 716]

Oh ... . and just to clarify GeekyGirl - you make a good point ... .   I did NOT originally agree and then change my mind.  I said no from the get go.

[louise 716]

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I appreciate people taking the time to let me know what they think.  Everyone was spot on with what I was thinking, so that helps me to hold steady and know we weren't being unreasonable.

[Louise7777]

Louise, i wouldnt drive them, no way! At this point you must be reassured, but I wanted to add my opinion anyway. 

[Clearmind]

Son and DIL are adults first and foremost!

Louise can I suggest that in future if demands are made of you that you know you cannot fulfil - don't J.A.D.E.

Don't

J ustify

A rgue

D efend

E xplain

JADE’ing provides your son with more hooks.

Instead consider using S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth then end of conversation. No JADE’ing after that.

You can validate that you understand its not fair - validate the emotions - dont justify your decision.

[louise 716]

Thanks clear mind for the JADE info. Hadn't seen that before.

Re not fair: still even to this day he and uBPDw have not said one word to ME about being mad I did not drive them.

I did JADE (with the exception of the A) the day he coyly asked, but I didn't know what I was doing then. I said to them what I would've said to any of my kids and of course those kids would've been fine with that response.

I am still trying to learn the SET approach.

Thanks again clear mind.

[Clearmind]

Good for you not arguing!

Louise, if they haven't said anything to you about it, however you have heard they are upset with you second hand – it maybe best to let them sit with it. We don’t need to rescue/fix it. Its up to them to process the disappointment – not anything to do with you – more to do with DIL’s coping skills.

It’s likely you didn’t have the information you have now. Don’t be hard on yourself.

It’s also likely you may feel regret for not helping them out. If so, maybe work through the reasons why that maybe the case.