I continue to be amazed at how the brain can be so cruel with BPD

[Parents! Get help here!]

As my dd calls me in total panic it just breaks my hear.  Then I get the calls of  making some sense.  If we talk long she begins to get worked up.  The flood of emtions, the going back through all the bad she has felt. 

I am thinking about this this morning because,  I have ask her to call me or email me about some things concerning summer visits, etc.  We all need to know to make plans, plane reservations, etc.  Of cours not surprised she really is only thinking of herself. 

I have heard nothing from her.  Last night she did text me saying, I thought you were going to let me know if you heard from a payment that was to have been made,  I replied, I sent it to you in an email.  She replied later,  oh I forgot to check my emails.  I didn't respond.  But thought I should say something but just didn't.  This morning I got a text saying  " ARe you mad at me? "  Interesting how they take our little or no response as being mad at them yet they can go for days without responding. 

I guess I should have text her back last night reasuring her for What I don't know but ?

This dang BPD  .   

[somuchlove]

As my dd calls me in total panic it just breaks my hear.  Then I get the calls of  making some sense.  If we talk long she begins to get worked up.  The flood of emtions, the going back through all the bad she has felt. 

I am thinking about this this morning because,  I have ask her to call me or email me about some things concerning summer visits, etc.  We all need to know to make plans, plane reservations, etc.  Of cours not surprised she really is only thinking of herself. 

I have heard nothing from her.  Last night she did text me saying, I thought you were going to let me know if you heard from a payment that was to have been made,  I replied, I sent it to you in an email.  She replied later,  oh I forgot to check my emails.  I didn't respond.  But thought I should say something but just didn't.  This morning I got a text saying  " ARe you mad at me? "  Interesting how they take our little or no response as being mad at them yet they can go for days without responding. 

I guess I should have text her back last night reasuring her for What I don't know but ?

This dang BPD  .   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BioAdoptMom3]

  from a fellow mom who understands!  You are so not alone!

[qcarolr]

I am also struggling with the setting quiet with myself. D is quite hostile. I am moving to get her out of house. She will be in jail and there is no forgiveness in her. Heart for me. Dh n I r trying to wait for po to revoke her probation so we r not so easy to blame. Just have to protect gd. T and school seem on edge of report to social services. I am open and honest how this impacts gd learning and t sees in her plat therapy. Little animals fighting. Small ones. Sometimes. Protected sometimes not protected.

Why us right choice so hard.


Qcr   :'(

[Reality]

Dear qcaroir,

Around you, yes, there is chaos.  Yet, you are kind, intelligent and proactive.  Stay true.  Trust yourself.  Stand tall and breathe deeply.

If you breathe out with the breath being directed downwards, it grounds the body.

Reality

[Eclaire5]

No kidding... .   This darn BPD. You are definitively not alone and we totally understand how that feels. It's so hard not to take it personal sometimes. I keep reminding myself that it is her illness speaking and not her. Hang in there somuchlove and cqarol, this is an uphill battle, but from time to time life can be good.   

[qcarolr]

somuchlove --   hope you are having a good day today and being kind to youself. For me: sun is shining and melting the 15 inches of surprise spring snow, gd is playing here with friend, DD26 seems quiet or maybe depressed yet focus today is not on me - it is on bfG blowing his probation (for assault on DD last summer) and is being put on GPS ankle monitor. So he can no longer violate the no contact order to be at our house (he cannot legally be withing 300 feet of dd). DD is sad, I am glad. Takes away the ammunition for much of her rebellion against our house rule of 'no overnight guests'. I suppose they can be together in a public place that is approved by his monitor? NMP (not my problem) I want to jump and shout and celebrate - then I think of the sadness for both of them, the aloneness. They each are good in their core and struggle doing the best that can each day - it is just not enough on so many days. Here is the compassion that makes sticking to boundaries so hard for me, so hard.

The other thought that comes to me in this topic is about the feelings or sense of fairness vs. unfairness. In a healthy, more balanced brain (mind, feelings, body, spirit) a person can evaluate a situation, accept their contribution to the situation, and understand that the consequences are valid. Then they can accept those consequences and move on - let it go. Even if the initial situation feels unfair, or the consequences feel unfair, there is an acceptance of working through the consequences and moving on - letting go.

It is really so much about mindfulness, huh?

With a pwBPD, where these brain systems are out of balance, a majority of situations in their daily life FEEL UNFAIR. Since they do not have a strong sense of self - an internal locus of being - they can only look outside to validate these feelings. Their inhibited sense of identity - external locus of being - impacts their responses to these feelings of unfairness. And so, here starts the projection of their feelings through the process of blame and rejection that the resulting consequences, which may be totally or partially their responsibility, are also UNFAIR and therefore to be avoided. The internal chaos that ensues is unmanageable, so this too is projected onto the safest tartget. Guess who that is - MOM or BF/GF/SPOUSE or even CHILDREN. Those sources of unconditional love.

The other frustration for me is when the word "UNFAIR" hits, then I often am triggered into futile attempts to logically explain why it is fair, or that it is unfair yet needs to be accepted and tolerated with perseverance. Those are such foreign words to my DD -- accept, tolerate, persevere.  Gd7 is hearing these words from me and dh, and from her lessons at school. It is awesome that even in the midst of her 'normal' childhood sense of fairness/unfairness she is able to begin processing perseverence and acceptance of things beyond her direct control. It is hard for her -- but I see her baby steps of progress. DD was so blocked from learning these life lessons as a child, and still as an adult.

DD sees these priniples being taught with gd, and reinforces them with gd. She does not own them within herself. She is quiet with it today. Have great curiosity what gd's actions trigger in her thinking and feeling. Perhaps it will bubble up in some way - hope for a positive experience and not part of a raging experience which has been so common lately.

PD's are cruel for all who suffer without treatment - and cruel in how it limits so many of the adults that are so resistent to treatment. Praying for DD to find the perseverance to make better choices for more than a few days.

qcr