Help from child of divorce with a BPD parent

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm stepmom to 8 yr old daughter whose mom has BPD. Daughter lives in another state with BPDm. We have her a few times per year and all summer. My husband and I have great relationship with daughter and have done everything we can to stay involved/close despite the distance. Daughter's BPDm is waif/hermit with bouts of witch. Daughter withdrawing more as she gets older. How do we best support her when she is with us? What do we address/not address? We try to keep it positive, especially when her mom is negative toward us.

Thank you for your help.

[CAJill]

I'm stepmom to 8 yr old daughter whose mom has BPD. Daughter lives in another state with BPDm. We have her a few times per year and all summer. My husband and I have great relationship with daughter and have done everything we can to stay involved/close despite the distance. Daughter's BPDm is waif/hermit with bouts of witch. Daughter withdrawing more as she gets older. How do we best support her when she is with us? What do we address/not address? We try to keep it positive, especially when her mom is negative toward us.

Thank you for your help.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi CAJill!

It's wonderful that you're looking to support your SD. I'm also glad to see that you found this thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=198947.0. You'll find some good suggestions there, as I think the situation you're in is similar.

Please don't hesitate to ask questions, and even if things get tough, know that you are making a big difference in your SD's life. 

[CinnamonRadio]

Hi CAJill,

That was me (little girl, child of divorce, mom had main custody- I was also an only child).  My biggest piece of information to share is that this child is very vulnerable to believing and internalizing BPDMom's interpretation of the world around her. 

Please don't demonize the BPDMom, but also stay very positive and show her that there are other ways to view the world.  Take her out, show her how YOU do groceries, how YOU have fun, how YOU interact with the outside world.  Ask her what her opinion is about things.  Even just little choices can feel very empowering (ex: would you rather have spaghetti for supper today, or a salad?)  It's important for her to see that she has options in her emotional experience that are different from alternating bouts of rage and helplessness.   

Hope this helps!

[Clearmind]

CAJill, validation for this childs emotions rather than discounting (not that I am suggesting you are doing that) how she feels would be a great start.

Usually a BPD parent can cause an emotionally invalidating environment for a child. I withdrew too because my emotions were always discounted.

Good Reads:

The Power of Validation: Arming Your Child Against Bullying, Peer Pressure, Addiction, Self-Harm, and Out-of-Control Emotions

Understanding the Borderline Mother