Having issues this things seeming contrived and phony

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I went to visit my father for the first time in a year. It was a nice visit, and maybe Ill want to talk about that another time, but another thing seems to really bother me.

I am very sensitive to my environment because of sensory issues. I went to new Mexico, a lovely state, to see him. He lives in a small, austin like art town. Very "nice"place,  but had way to much easy real estate money rush in the last decade, ninja loans, and now it is all drying up.

I very much love the arts, and deeply appreciate human expression in creative form. This place seemed very phony and contrived. The hippy boomers seemed phony, and seemed to try to outdo each other for looking the most Eco friendly, intellectual, do gooder, and artist like. The real estate is still bloated, but is poised to crash because everything is for sale, but " real" low income artists could never afford to live there.

This really, really pissed me off. I drove all over new Mexico, and many of the towns had this bloated, false arrogant crap feeling. The lovely state is ruined by this.

This is the same feeling I get in Austin, soho and the village NYC, Williamsburg, Brooklyn, Terlingua, Texas... .   you get it. I tried going to the Unitarian church when I lived in the city, but the people were ass wholes there too, trying to upstage one another as to who was the most liberal and refined.

In theory, this is supposed to be my kind of thing. I find that people of these ilk come off as insincere, and that they really don't know what they are talking about.

Don't even get me started on the more traditional gated community, SUV, churchy bible belt deep debt, strip mall culture. I wrote those sorts off more than a decade ago. And indeed, there was too much debt, and those cultures are eroding.

It seems that much of American culture is very ill suited for me and is toxic. It takes everything I have not to just unload on these ass wholes, as these are in theory, my people. But they are not.

It was exactly the same in graduate school. No real intellectuals, just a bunch of rich kids and professors currying favor for tenure. My committee was so ignorant out side of their tiny speciality, it just disgusted me I even spent time doing that. It was too late before I realized that. Again, phony and contrived.

It seems like a huge part of my life is spent trying to recoil from noxious environments. This is one driving force behind my paranoia.

I would really appreciate insightful comments.

[Maryiscontrary]

I went to visit my father for the first time in a year. It was a nice visit, and maybe Ill want to talk about that another time, but another thing seems to really bother me.

I am very sensitive to my environment because of sensory issues. I went to new Mexico, a lovely state, to see him. He lives in a small, austin like art town. Very "nice"place,  but had way to much easy real estate money rush in the last decade, ninja loans, and now it is all drying up.

I very much love the arts, and deeply appreciate human expression in creative form. This place seemed very phony and contrived. The hippy boomers seemed phony, and seemed to try to outdo each other for looking the most Eco friendly, intellectual, do gooder, and artist like. The real estate is still bloated, but is poised to crash because everything is for sale, but " real" low income artists could never afford to live there.

This really, really pissed me off. I drove all over new Mexico, and many of the towns had this bloated, false arrogant crap feeling. The lovely state is ruined by this.

This is the same feeling I get in Austin, soho and the village NYC, Williamsburg, Brooklyn, Terlingua, Texas... .   you get it. I tried going to the Unitarian church when I lived in the city, but the people were ass wholes there too, trying to upstage one another as to who was the most liberal and refined.

In theory, this is supposed to be my kind of thing. I find that people of these ilk come off as insincere, and that they really don't know what they are talking about.

Don't even get me started on the more traditional gated community, SUV, churchy bible belt deep debt, strip mall culture. I wrote those sorts off more than a decade ago. And indeed, there was too much debt, and those cultures are eroding.

It seems that much of American culture is very ill suited for me and is toxic. It takes everything I have not to just unload on these ass wholes, as these are in theory, my people. But they are not.

It was exactly the same in graduate school. No real intellectuals, just a bunch of rich kids and professors currying favor for tenure. My committee was so ignorant out side of their tiny speciality, it just disgusted me I even spent time doing that. It was too late before I realized that. Again, phony and contrived.

It seems like a huge part of my life is spent trying to recoil from noxious environments. This is one driving force behind my paranoia.

I would really appreciate insightful comments.

[MaybeSo]

I like carving put my own space the way it works for me; I live in a rural area about 1 hour from a very swank area.

I use to live in the swank area; felt uncomfortable a lot. There was an attitude and vibe that seemed to announce "only special, rich people" are accepted here. Lots of movie stars cone to visit, lots of cars that cost more than a 3 bedroom house. This honestly bugs me because it brings ups up my worthiness issues; but intellectually I don't like it, and it seems stupid, I don't want to be a member of the club. I don't like how serious they take the image. It's a bad vibe, and it spoils the natural beauty of the area.

So I moved up over the mountain now, where the dangerous, poor people live. The natural beauty isn't spoiled, my view is breathtaking. I'll be putting in my own organic garden this spring, and since the cost of my house is so low Ive been able to really doll it up.

So I just carve out my own little niche; I have no control over the rest of it.

Out culture has become so incredibly narcissistic and image driven. It's painful and not nourishing. It's so stupid in it's self importance and grandiosity. then something meant to be more authentic gets co-opted into the same narcissistic vibe; extreme liberalism, extreme conservatism, its still extremes. Black and white. You're wrong, I'm right.  

I like to stay away from it all. I have a bit of a reclusive side, anyway.

[Mara2]

Do not let yourself be bothered by the inconsequential.  One has only so much time in this world, so devote it to the work and the people most important to you, to those you love and the things that matter. - Louis L'amour

I have often been turned off by our culture, as it has become.  Most of it "inspired" by TV.  We moved to an area, very rural, where people look you in the eye when they talk to you and a handshake means something. 

Do not let yourself to become wrapped up in what is wrong with the culture, just be true to yourself!  I hope you find a good place for you. 

[Suzn]

Mary what techniques do you use to cope with your sensory issuses?

[P.F.Change]

Have you thought about where the disdain is coming from?

What if the key to happiness is somewhere inside yourself and not in your surroundings?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Maryiscontrary]

These are nice thoughts guys. Thanks so much.

My big issue is paranoia, and a deep mistrust of people in general. It is difficult for me to feel at ease socially, because people are generally false, easily led astray, and don't know themselves. I mean, most of the human race seems to buy into some dogma. I don't feel as though I have a secure home.  Humans are group creature. I do not have a group with a role.

I mean, this is a really big core deal. My memory and perception are as such that I see glaring volleys and inconsistencies in what people say and do, and what they portend their character to be. I know other people do not perceive these things, and that is why most can function in group settings.

It is this sense of overwhelming bull~ all of the time. I know this is not a normal state of consciousness. It is having to bite my tongue, all of the time. I am not inconsistent, but I also do not have a lot of moving parts in my life to get confused. I have this low level contempt, as liars abound. I had a severe meltdown in Washington dc a couple of years ago. I almost got into a fight with a Drunk k street lobbyist at a coffee shop down town.

The key to happiness is inside of me.  I am trying to address my social issue, because humans are social, and this causes me a lot of pain. It is like I am at a different dimension. The world is really offensive to me, and part of this is also due to sensory issues.

I don't know what to do about the sensory issues. Avoiding gluten helped hugely, as well as basic hygiene like sleep, nutrition, etc. when I was up at very high altitudes, sound carried so loudly, that I could not hold a phone conversation walking in a quiet neighborhood. Artificial light when combined with daylight. Strong chemical industrial scents. Chanel no 5 is fine, but febreeze, glade, and bounce is not.

I keep this stuff under so much wraps that you wouldn't know.

[Suzn]

I've read there are many ways to deal with sensory issues. Do you work with a therapist?

[Maryiscontrary]

I don't believe that there is anything that can be done that I have havent already tried extensively. I mean, keeping my sensory reined in,  if I didn't employ the extreme measures of nutrition and good habits of what I do already, I would really be a disaster. Likely suicide. Because I am just so sensitive, and I can't habituate quickly. Nonstop onslaught.

I cannot take anything complicated anymore. I just don't know what's the matter with me. I am not ADHD. I am extremely focused, as in everything is organized. I live a deliberate life. It's just everything around me is out of control.

i just space out, and stare at the sky out of my window. It's not that I don't want to be present. It's just I slip into a dream like state out of fatigue. I don't watch tv. I don't listen to audio stuff much. I rarely drink. Really carful of what i eat. I am doing everything I can to improve the sitation.

I just cannot get over what BS everything seems to be. Little seems authentic.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Hi Mary, I'm wondering if there might be certain activities that would help calm some of the sensory issues.  I've heard you mention meditation, and I think that is great, but how about something simple like listening to music that makes you feel good, or taking a hike in the woods or by the lake?  Writing poetry helps me tremendously.  Or maybe stream-of-consciousness writing?  Learning to play a musical instrument? 

Some of these expressions are more abstract, so they originate from or touch a different part of us which can induce a calming effect, if that makes sense.  They can reduce tension.  Painting, drawing, or sculpting can be very beneficial.  I'm thinking more of structured, non-structured activities. 

I think you're doing a wonderful job of expressing yourself, asking for help, and trying to work this stuff out.  It is not easy.  I'm dealing with some new, heavy realizations myself but I keep on keeping on.   

[Maryiscontrary]

Pheonix I do all of that. I take walks and hikes all of the time. I have a wonder,ful collection of music that I listen to if I don't want silence. I have a huge 35 foot mural I just painted. I have an art show for some more pieces tomorrow.  This is stream of consciousness writing, don't you see?

I am about to paint my trailer a waxy vinyl paint cement goop I developed. I would be absolutes nuts if I didn't do these things.

[Cumulus]

Hi marycontrary. I lived in a wealthy suburb of Dallas. Yes in one of those gated communities, in the big ostentatious house. I thought it was what I wanted. I was at the mall one day and had trouble finding my car. They were almost all the same colour, black, white or silver, almost all fairly new and expensive. As life would have it I got behind a beater going home with a bumper sticker that said " live simply, so others may simply live... .   Ghandi". It was a life changing moment. Someone's bumper sticker changed my life. I sold my house and tried to understand what my priorities were. None were of material possessions. What counted was people, my family, my friends. It was not a one time commitment but is rather a daily undertaking to spend money on only what is needed, to contact and talk to people I care about and when at my job to try and do something to make someone else's life a little easier. It isn't easy. But I would never go back to the big house. I thought I owned that house and that lifestyle. I didn't. It owned me. My life today is no longer recognizable from that woman fifteen years ago. I can't say I am happier but I can say I feel much freer. And I'll take that for now.

[Suzn]

Got it on the ADHD.  Have you given yourself the luxury of being tested for these symptoms? Don't sell yourself short Mary. I'm certainly no therapist though I know there are many different types of therapists that could likely help, with behavior therapy and/or meds possibly. How happy would you be if there's help out there to turn these symptoms off or down and you find it?   

[MaybeSo]

As they say, stupid should hurt.

But alas, no brain, no pain.

Whereas,   big brain, big stream of input/output... .   equal pain/anxiety/suffering/neurosis/tortured analysis.  Sigh.

Still, practicing good old fashioned mindfulness (observe, but don't judge, observe but don't get attatched to your observation/perceptions/noticings)... .   may help.  

Helps me.

I sometimes tell my ex... .  

Your brain is no place to be running around in unsupervised.

[Clearmind]

I live in Australia - which is a fantastic place to live by the way. However there are areas that I choose not to go to for various reasons - either they don't fit my morals or they do little for my psyche.

Mary, its likely we are all triggered by various things - I get the sensory one because my flatmate was super sensitive to noise - she would hear things I couldn't.

What techniques do you use, if any when you feel you go into sensory overload? Are you aware of any techniques to balance out these heightened emotions? I would imagine you are seeking some inner peace?

[Maryiscontrary]

Guys, I thank you for your efforts. I woke up with another flashback last night. I was tested many years ago, and I am not ADHD by any stretch. I am fine today.

I just know this is not normal to feel let down all of the time. But the reasons are valid, and when I have ignored them through my own self gaslighting, the results were disastrous. Stick the head in the bucket of truth.

I am fine. I appreciate your efforts, again.

[turtle]

Hi Maryiscontrary --

I don't really have any suggestions for you.  I just wanted you to know that I can relate to much of what you posted.  My own feelings may not be as extreme as some of yours, but I see myself in so much of what you said.

I cannot go to places like Best Buy - where they have all of those TV's screaming at you -- and the gaming stuff is way more than I can tolerate. My senses feel assaulted in a place like that and I simply can't stay there.  Years ago, I used to love going to concerts (I am a musician.)  The thought of doing that now just makes me anxious.  I don't want to be crammed into a building with all those people.  At a minimum, I will be subjected to horrific behavior by one or more people.  AND... .   I truly do not feel safe in these kinds of environments any longer.  There are so many crazy people running around who have the will and the means to kill innocent people.  Our country is not safe.

Smells are also something I am very sensitive to.  BTW -- Febreeze is one of the scents that gives me a visceral reaction.  It's awful.  Most perfumes, colognes, candles, room fresheners (so horrible,) etc. make me feel sick.  In my job, my store can be crowed with many women at the same time.  If there are 6 or 7 competing scents, I am very agitated.  And it takes a long time for this assault of smells to get out of my nose!  I know that most of us become so accustomed to perfume that we no longer smell it.  That doesn't mean we should pour it on so that someone else can smell us coming!  I have to say though... .   I am also sensitive to BO, halitosis, and smelly feet.  .  That's not pleasant either.

I, too, am highly irritated with our society as a whole.  The bad behavior that I see at my job on a daily basis can often rile me to a point where I just can't seem to let it go - and I will still be reeling about it days later.  And it's one incident after another after another after another. These incidents pile up and I find myself feeling like I'm sitting at the bottom of a huge pile of dung.  The general public just irritates me, yet I HAVE to deal with them in order to make a living.  This has made my job very difficult and my own attitude about it has cost me sales, I'm sure.

Because of my job, I have very little energy for people that I don't already know.  My friends will often say, "oh you should get to know so and so."  Um... .   No thanks.  NO NEW PEOPLE. I often tell my friends, that they are "grandfathered in," and I am not interested in meeting any new people. The majority of this feeling comes from the fact that I don't want to get to know them and then find out that they are liars.  I just don't want to invest in that.  And... .   the energy that it takes to really get to know a person is immense.  I just don't have that kind of energy right now -- and even if I did, the risk of disappointment is just too high.

My Mom is VERY gregarious. This is a quality I really do like in her, but she talks to EVERYONE! I spend a significant amount of time with her and when she starts her conversations with strangers, I want to disappear. I have NO interest in creating small talk.  I don't care about the weather, or any of the other meaningless stuff that strangers conjure up just so they are making noise.  I do that small talk crap all day long and it makes me feel like a wind up toy. It's draining.

Some of this, I believe, is the difference between and introvert and an extrovert.  If you met me, you would think I am an extrovert, but I'm not.  My Mom is an EXTREME extrovert.  People energize her.  People drain me and they drain me dry.  I can put that extrovert face on when I have to, but it draws my marrow.  At the end of the day, I have nothing left and I need peace, quiet, and solitude in order to rejuvenate (and sometimes rejuvenation doesn't happen before I have to face the public again.)

When I retire, I will definitely consider moving to a smaller town and living in a more rural area.  Right now, I live in a big city and I live in a very congested area.  I do my grocery shopping at 5AM, just so I can avoid the crowds and the guaranteed stupidity and bad behavior that comes with them.

I don't know if any of this helps.  Sometimes, it's just good to know that others feel similarly.

I appreciate your self analysis Maryiscontrary.  Your honesty and candor is refreshing.

turtle

[Maryiscontrary]

Yes, Plano, in case you did not know is rapidly turning into a huge rundown McMansion slum, with huge swaths of empty strip malls and homeless people walking on Parker ave. it is breathtaking how quickly this happens. I am assuming this could be the suberb of Dallas you were referring. Or Rockwall.

[Maryiscontrary]

Turtle. I relate. I will formulate a response to your well thought out response momentarily.

Thanks a lot.

[Phoenix.Rising]

I have a huge 35 foot mural I just painted. I have an art show for some more pieces tomorrow. 

I am about to paint my trailer a waxy vinyl paint cement goop I developed. I would be absolutes nuts if I didn't do these things.

That's awesome!  I wish I could see your work.   

I finished a painting not long ago.  I used to draw a lot.  I would like to do another painting soon.  Painting and drawing are very therapeutic. 

A lot of what helps me is practicing acceptance.  I'm sure you've heard of the Serenity Prayer.  It is very simple, yet profound.  It mentions accepting the things we cannot change.  Well, externally speaking, that is just about everything!  What I do have some control over is how I react to external stimuli.  If I can approach it more as a casual observer, like MaybeSo was talking about it, that takes some of the sting out.  I have control over what I choose to focus on: what irritates the pi** out of me or what gives me some peace of mind.  I have control over my actions.  Most of the BS out there, I have no control over. 

And I have very similar feelings to you in regards to the mess our society tends to be in.  The focus on consumption, having to have the latest gadget, the nicest car, house, etc. etc. etc.  This stuff will make me nuts if keep my focus on it.  I purposely moved to a rural area where there is less focus on this sort of thing, and I often find myself feeling very irritated when I go to an urban area for shopping or a restaurant or whatever and I notice all of the craziness.  It is distressing.  I agree with you.  But we cannot change that, we can only change ourselves and our personal environments.  And I hear and see that we have made some great efforts to do just that. 

If the world goes to hell, we can still be ok, if that makes any sense.  Take it easy.

[Cumulus]

Nailed it

[Maryiscontrary]

Guys thanks so much. Yes I know how important this stuff is, and yes, I am well acquainted with the serenity prayer. What I am trying to tell you that operating in the normal person realm is very painful. And it seems like habituation or lessening of signal intensity is not happening. I just don't know if somehow I damaged my nervous system with all the stress and/or if it's permanent.

I think turtle really understands. Turtle really articulates well what it feels like when ones nervous system become really out of kilter after severe stress. You just get so overstimulated. It just seems like something is really out of whack. It's really a painful feeling, a lot like when you hit your funny bone wrong, or an ice cream headache, except it's all over. When will this pain ever go away?

[Clearmind]

Mary, are you still seeking out therapy? You seem to be aware of the areas in your life that need some work and maybe not a 100% sure how to achieve the outcome you want - i.e. pain to go away. And you uncover some big ticket stuff in your posts.

The board here will certainly help with getting it all out there in the open however it may not be the only source of support you need. After all our members can only go by what you/me/us provide in our posts - a therapist has the bigger picture to work with/built up history/trust.

I still see a therapist 2 years after my relationship break up - there is always much to explore about myself. I see this as my way of looking out for myself. Are you doing the same?

[Maryiscontrary]

I have not seen my therapist in a few months. I honestly do not think anything can be done.

Really, what can a therapist really do here? I am not being difficult, I am honestly asking this question.

Turtle really put some words to an experience that I have had immense difficulty describing. Liars offend me, as so many people lie, and I don't know what I am working with. This board and my therapist has assisted in my efforts extinguishing codependent behavior. I also don't have any I issues with self esteem, and I used to have zero.

My problem is perspective taking. Are you saying I need to revisit my therapist to try to deal with the outrage I feel from other peoples overt and fully voluntary offensiveness?

[Suzn]

Mary feeling outraged by most peole we come in contact with is a perspective issue that a therapist could likely help you work through. Outrage can affect us physically and mentally. My apologies, I think in my prior comment my wording may have been confusing. When I suggessted testing I was refering to the paranoia and the sensory issues, not ADHD.

There are different types of therapists that can help in different ways. Speaking to your current T about your options may be helpful.

[Maryiscontrary]

Reading around in the last few minutes... .   this is classic burnout symptomology. I got really, really burned out. I'll ask Pete, my therapist, about managing this.

You guys are really awesome. Thanks so much for your extreme kindness. Really.

I got a lot of attention for that art piece at the art show last night. Got an award. I am really, really trying to fix myself.

[maria1]

Hi Mary- Ive been thinking about what you describe because some of it sounds similar to my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome symptoms. Not all. some of it reminds me of a what i've read about highly sensitive people and I keep thinking it's what happens when people who over empathise go too far and get burned. I don't know if that makes any sense but it sounds like a type of burn out.

I get the noise stuff/ over stimulation stuff but I'm not so angered and upset by people and places as you. However I would not go anywhere near the places that do that to me or I would just know that those people places are full of s**t and phoney.

I love the way you are outraged by it all and don't just accept it. BUT that doesn't help you deal with the pain, which sounds unbearable. Anyway I just wanted to say I'm partly getting what you say I think and I'm on your side 

[turtle]

My problem is perspective taking. Are you saying I need to revisit my therapist to try to deal with the outrage I feel from other peoples overt and fully voluntary offensiveness?

YES!

Mary, it's been my experience that people WILL disappoint me (and I'm sure I've disappointed a few people too.)

Some of that will not be overt or voluntary - it just happens. Not everyone is out to get us (although it can sure feel that way at times.)  

However, some of it WILL be overt and voluntary.  I don't even think it necessarily starts out that way, but when someone is doing something that they know will hurt us, they often create a rabbit hole that they feel they just can't get out of. Then, they just keep spiriling further and further down that hole creating more deception and destruction as they go -- all because they don't want to get caught, or they claim they didn't want to hurt us (that one makes my stomach jump a little.)  When it all blows up (which it always does,) the consequences are often grave, damage is done, people are broken, and lives are destroyed.  If they had just told the truth at the very beginning, things would have still been hard, there still would have been consequences, but there wouldn't have been so much destruction.

There are a million stories of how people really have no clue who their friends are, or who their spouses are - until that spouse/friend ends up doing something extreme.  Then, these poor people are just sitting there with their jaws dropped because they had no idea their spouse/friend was a hit man, or a career bank robber, or a drug lord, or a child molester or, or, or... .  you get the idea. I realize these examples are extreme, but when I hear these stories, it solidifies in my mind that we really don't KNOW anyone. And that is a hard pill to swallow.  At least it is for me.  And for me, it makes it hard to want to risk getting to know other people.  It also solidifies for me that I may not KNOW anyone, but I'd better be sure that I KNOW myself.  In knowing myself, that is the best way to protect myself.  It probably won't work EVERY time, but it will serve me well not to be so naive.  Knowing myself better helps me to know my own pitfalls and what to look out for in ME so that I'm not so vulnerable to destructive people.

My outrage at people who have hurt me to the point where I felt I'd never recover doesn't serve ME well.  THAT is what drove me back into therapy.  If I had the money, I'd be in therapy today because there are still things festering inside of me from the betrayal of a few people. There is one in particular that sent me reeling. I trusted that person implicitly.  For me... .  the outrage from that was like a simmering pot of goo.  Every so often that pot would boil over and that goo would spill over into every area of my life creating a coating of disdain on EVERYTHING.  It still happens sometimes, but it is getting better as time goes on and as I continue to work on dealing with it.  This doesn't mean I excuse all that happened, I don't.  It doesn't mean my perpetrator gets a pass, he most certainly does NOT. It DOES mean that I get to find peace.  I have found that place of peace and it feels good.  It doesn't mean I can't float back into my place of boiling goo. I do.  But now, there are more days of peace than there are days of disdain.

The sensitivity thing is also something that is fueled by my level of internal noise.  The calmer I am inside, the less I am bothered by so much external overstimulation.  That doesn't mean I'm going to Best Buy today.  I will NEVER go there.  I will also NEVER use Febreeze  

Anyway... .  I think seeing your T is a good idea.  And if you don't feel you get anywhere with that T, find another one!  Keep at it, Mary. There ARE answers, but you might have to dig your heels in to find them!

And congrats on your art piece.  Good for you!

turtle

[Maryiscontrary]

Yes, I  follow exactly what you are saying. I am a bit of an aspie geek, and it is not hard for people to build huge lies of deceit and plots behind my back. I do not process 2nd or 3rd social plotting and strategy well at all, aka drama. The bull and extreme lies of people very close to me, which have ruined my life, along with realizing how really first class of a woman I am, has really made me doubt humanity.

Again, the thing is that I have a cognitive and emotional blind spot. I have really good boundaries, and can take a hacksaw to a sitation if I need to, but the fact is, so much is hidden from me, that the plotting can get the epic proportions before I am aware of it. It is my own vulnerabilities, which are hard wired, which cause blind spots. I have worked with this extensively, but it is still a very vulnerable blind spot. An exposed soft underbelly that is an easy target.

Again, I really appreciate your vocabulary. I appreciate everyone's compassion.

[Maryiscontrary]

Maria thanks... .  you have been a sweetheart. I am just textbook burnt out, with the pissiness and the lack of drive I feel I have. I could be getting so much more work done, like I have in the past. I could build this business up parabolically. I am afraid of doing too much and having a nervous breakdown and really losing it all again.

[Phoenix.Rising]

I just don't know if somehow I damaged my nervous system with all the stress and/or if it's permanent.

It's really a painful feeling, a lot like when you hit your funny bone wrong, or an ice cream headache, except it's all over. When will this pain ever go away?

That sounds very uncomfortable.  I am sorry you are hurting in that way.  I am not a doctor, so I don't know if this applies, but you might consider talking to a neurologist.  He/she may have some simple (or not so simple) solutions that can provide you with some relief.  I'm a believer if you keep looking for answers they will come.  Maybe not on your timeline, but they will come.  You've received some good advice from others on this thread.  I also agree that a good therapist can help with perspectives.

Congratulations on winning a prize for your art.  That is exciting.