"Reality Distortion Field " - II

[Surrender]

You have incredible insight Hurt llama even in the midst of it all you drop some huge pearls that I find help me a great deal. There is so much there in this journey of processing that leads to and ties so much together. Your honesty in expressing what you feel and think is wonderful. I really like the analogy of the time machine btw.

[Hurt llama]

I have had the experience of enjoying the reaction of others back in the day. My partner before the BPDex - that relationship lasted 11 years - was very attractive & we would attract comments from strangers about how happy we looked together etc. I can't say that I didn't enjoy that affirmation even realising that it was probably unsound and narcissistic. I doubt I could have a relationship with someone I wasn't attracted to! But I think the qualities that would make someone attractive to me have probably evolved over time. I still enjoy attracting attention based on my own appearance although these days I hope it also has to do with radiating some kind of inner quality - not just what's externally visible. I don't think it's totally fair to be too harsh on the guys for feeling this way - aren't they "hard wired" to seek young attractive partners & to enjoy the status that this gives them amongst other men? My BPDex was attractive to me but not objectively "hot". He used to enjoy "parading" me around (which probably reflects a degree of immaturity on his part) and I also didn't really mind that even tho I guess it makes me sound really shallow and vain?  

Missed reading this post and appreciate you making it. You nailed it and I feel the same way and think it's normal to feel good in public with your partner and yes I can see it be maybe a little narcissistic but the proof for me is that I can't be with a partner based on looks. Not a chance. As I posted 'tongue in cheek', and a joke that's not really a joke if a potential date is exceptionally good looking, I am more wary now. As far as younger and attractive partners, yes that is true but with my rebound gf after I ended with my exBPD fiancee, the girl I chose and yes "girl" applies, I as actually not always comfortable being with her in public (depending on where)... . she was much younger and I felt like a cliche, even though in the end she turned out to be a great and cool and most of all important partner for me. I think I really bristled at the idea I am so shallow as to be so superficial and downright moronic to be with a trophy wife parading her around. I couldn't handle that if I tried. Any my ex was not a trophy, unless it was for last place.

haha... .  that's mean... . I do love that woman and always will. And that is real.

Thank you for the empathetic post... .  I think I am probably suffering from empathy deficiency!

(Cw, very appreciate the words. We are all helping each other)

[goldylamont]

Just a thought on the thread... .  

". I dont want to sound rude, but seems to me you were "parading" for others to envy you. It looks like they were "trophy wives". "

"trophy wife" to me evokes a few qualities about the man/woman involved. the woman ("trophy?" is usually:

1) gorgeous, physically

2) involved with the man, to get to his money, or parade around his status/looks/etc to her girlfriends

3) shallow

the male in this type of r/s makes me think of:

1) insecure, in his ability to attract beautiful women using true charm, personality, insecure being himself

2) shallow

as far as my exBPDgf, she was #1 for sure. NOT #2 or #3. as far as me, i have some insecurities like any normal person would, but nothing so much that i would be attracted to a "trophy wife" type.

trust me, the r/s ending hurt so much b/c what this person meant to me was much more than a "trophy"; this would be devaluing things too much. i've done a lot of self reflection on how much looks are important to me, and to be truthful i enjoy seeking out the most attractive partner i can find, as long as there are certain baseline qualities (love, respect, maturity, etc) being met.

i feel it can be damaging at times to hold humanity up to standards of 'perfection' regarding how we feel beauty should be perceived. it's true that the media, being a reflection of society as a whole, perpetuates a lot of our own insecurities; constantly reminding us of looks, etc. however it's also true that our modern society is *far* more compassionate and understanding in many ways than societies of the past when it comes to fairness based on differences in appearances. contrary to popular belief, quantitatively we live in a world now much more peaceful than it's been in the past few centuries. but it never seems that way, the default way to feel about the status of the world is that it's constantly getting worse and spinning out of control... .  and then the younger generation figures things out for themselves. i'm drifting here a bit, but, all of this is to say that i feel it's just as inaccurate to say that people shouldn't care about looks at all as it is to be a shallow trophy wife seeker. both are idealizations and aren't as helpful when trying to find the meaty truth underneath. just what i think right now

... .  I gave some more thought to what I said up thread. I guess the male equivalent to a pretty girl is a cute boy. I might really like to have a cute boy (and have in the past) but I wouldn't expect him to be a mature, stable and emotionally balanced man! That's what I'm looking for in a relationship.

Whereisthezen, parading in front of people doesnt mean that you are not kind, affectionate and so on... .  You can be all that and still be willing to be the center of attention. From what people said, I understood that the effect on others was more important than the relationship in itself. That was my impression, doesnt mean Im right, but still its what it looks like to me. And its not necessarily wrong.

i feel the values, that many may call "superficial" for men and women are somewhat different, although they overlap plenty. call me controversial, but i see no problem in a man wanting to show off his beautiful mate, as long as it's not overdone, and not a fraud/front but his honest reflection of how lucky he feels. as a generalization, women care less about a man's physical looks, focusing more on his social status, his style, perhaps his income. both perspectives could be taken to the level of being superficial, but all of it i feel comes from our own inner desires to want the best for ourselves; left in check it doesn't have to be so bad, we don't have to act as if these desires shouldn't exist just because some choose to overdo it

[Louise7777]

I didnt mean to make people feel like they are attacked. Now I wonder why you have to justify yourself. I said clearly it looks to me that way but doesnt mean Im right and also, doesnt mean the behaviour is wrong. It was just my impression.

When you go and post your experiences on internet you are supposed to have all kinds of insights. Some you like, some you dont. Thats the price you pay. You dont always hear what you want to hear. And that includes me, of course.

[Hurt llama]

I think it's time to close this thread as it's lost the focus it never really had... .  

[Louise7777]

Here is the piece where I got my impressions:

"My exBPD was very good looking but it was much more than that... .    Certainly the feeling we each had together out in public was intoxicating... . she talked about it constantly and she meant it... . how well we 'fit', how safe she felt walking in the street with me and I enjoyed her good looks, how she carried herself and how she interacted with the world when I was around her. She was almost always respectful and a really good partner that way. She was positively attracted me me and equally addicted. She knew she would never (allow) herself to ever be as open as she was with me. WHen I ended the engagement, it was a true devastating crushing blow to her (that she really wanted I believe on some level)."

Maybe that answer your questions now?

[Hurt llama]

Almost all of us choose partners based on looks and attraction which is a combination of many things. But boy have I learned, and I say it as a joke 'good looking... .    strike one, but as in all humor it's got seeds of truth or seeds of anger maybe.

As a result of my relationship with exBPD and the next one after who was much younger and absolutely off the chart hot, that I burned that dream down hard.

I need attraction but extreme good looks really is at this point a red flag... .    I know that's insane... . and I wish I didn't feel that way.

WHen I am ready and IF I am ready again, and it feels like I might never be (really), then I would be happy with attraction and a decent looking partner... . not such a player as my exBPD can be simply out of literally being groomed and raised to be (as her identical twin said to me), "Arm candy"... .   

Good question and I think I remember reading a post where you wondered it before.

Yes, to an extent it's fun and great to be with pretty girls. I usually say if they are pretty and they are rich, it's strike one and two. But that's another story... .

Don't get caught up in how their looks mattered so much as it matters less than we think. I met an absoute knockout almost two years ago... . First date... . incredible connection and she slept over that night. I still do see her but she's just boring... . Sex with her as far as her skills as a lover far exceeded my exBPD... . This girl is better looking, younger, hotter and better in bed... . She is also cool and is really into me.

But it's just not a match.

Point is that it's easy to get into this fantasy that it's all about looks and how you feel being out with an attractive girl. That's undeniable but, take this from my experience, looks only take it so far and less than you might think.

WHen I am feeling low, I tend to feel that my ex and the way I felt with her will never be replaced... .

Maybe I will feel that way again,, and especially after a bad date, I always miss my fantasy BPD ex... .    as I am sure she misses me (right? right? )

Did you read these posts too? (the reference to 'pretty girls' was using the poster asking me a question using the term 'girl'. I don't refer to women (often) as girls unless I am referring to my daughters. (or way to young ex gf... . )

Yes it was intoxicating to be with my ex in public. It was intoxicating to be with her in private. I was addicted to her as she was to me.

The way you seemed to frame your question about parading a trophy wife out in public and asking why I needed the attention was confusing to me and I am sorry if I over reacted but it is so not my thing, I guess I got defensive and sickened with the thought.

[Louise7777]

Yes, I had read the whole thread. It caught my attention also about the comparison with Charlie Sheen, although I hadnt commented on that part. Also, I had noticed about the word "girls" but somebody else had commented on that already. Later somebody gave an input on how we all like to be noticed with an attractive partner, mostly when we are teenagers or youngsters.

The "trophy wife" as an expression to sum up the idea of being watched/ appreciated. Maybe it was rude, English is not my first language, and it may had sounded bad. What I had meant is that we have our issues too, from dealing with PDs and having fleas or having PDs ourselves. So it was meant to be a deep reflection on US, why WE choose what WE choose and why WE feel the way WE feel.

I hope its all clear now.  

[Hurt llama]

Yes,  I had read the whole thread. It caught my attention also about the comparison with Charlie Sheen, although I hadnt commented on that part. Also, I had noticed about the word "girls" but somebody else had commented on that already. Later somebody gave an input on how we all like to be noticed with an attractive partner, mostly when we are teenagers or youngsters.

The "trophy wife" as an expression to sum up the idea of being watched/ appreciated. Maybe it was rude, English is not my first language, and it may had sounded bad. What I had meant is that we have our issues too, from dealing with PDs and having fleas or having PDs ourselves. So it was meant to be a deep reflection on US, why WE choose what WE choose and why WE feel the way WE feel.

I hope its all clear now.  

Read the post again... .    and I know I am older than you... . I have two daughter's one recently graduated college and the other just started.

It's gotten easier for me as I get older. I have a reputation of sorts as having many gf's and I really have a good time making fun of myself and a bit of a (somewhat) healthier Charlie Sheen... .

I've been with a lot of sexy women... . More than I deserve and haven't even paid for most of them.

I'm so battle weary and jaded, maybe it's seen as confidence that helps me as I often just couldn't care less.

See? there is an upside to depression!

I think you are enjoying busting my chops here.

As far as why it all happened and how, etc. in my case, I've dedicated more thought and energy to figuring it out than on anything I ever experienced.

The one thing is WASN'T was to 'parade around a trophy wife to get attention'... . She's attractive and all but she's not a trophy for me other than for 'last place'... .  (that's an old joke)

I understand the difference in translation since English is not your first language and Trophy Wife is a very strong description that as I have posted a number of times, set me off and makes me ill for anyone to suggest it as it's just very far opposite from who I am in the world. And yes, the more I keep saying it the more it sounds suspect... .

[Louise7777]

Dont be mean, Im not busting ur chops!  

I spent a lot of time wondering why Im the clown in the circus and I move from one circus to another and sometimes Im part of the audience!  

I guess Im worn out now of finding why and why nots... .  I just want to move on and NEVER make the same mistakes again. I wish u luck.  

[Hurt llama]

LOL Dont be mean, Im not busting ur chops!  

I spent a lot of time wondering why Im the clown in the circus and I move from one circus to another and sometimes Im part of the audience!  

I guess Im worn out now of finding why and why nots... .  I just want to move on and NEVER make the same mistakes again. I wish u luck.  

Wait! We're not the clowns are we?  

We're the ringleaders... .  Actually in my case, I'm the guy either shot out of the cannon or with his head in the lion's mouth!  

[Louise7777]

LOL. Dont know abt u, but I was (still am?) the clown who gets punched and kicked.

But occasionaly Im in the lions mouth or in the cannon... .  Depends at what circus I am... .   

[Hurt llama]

LOL. Dont know abt u, but I was (still am?) the clown who gets punched and kicked.

But occasionaly Im in the lions mouth or in the cannon... .  Depends at what circus I am... .   

Ugh, I never saw myself as the clown but yeah. That was (is) me... . and there's no denying it... .  I'm going to go throw up. Be right back.